I'm a secret SAHM alcoholic

[Theblondewino]

Married, two kids, stay at home mother and functioning alcoholic. Both my kids are happily playing with toys in front of me while I sip on my second vodka and sprite and wrap gifts for nieces birthday tomorrow

I have been sober almost 22years,I was an alcoholic of the hopeless variety.In utter despair I went to AA,I haven’t touched alcohol since my first meeting.My mother was an alcoholic,it killed her at a young age.

Vodka does smell,it is a myth that it doesn’t,so you may think people don’t realise you are drinking,but some will.

Liver failure and wet brain can be just like turning on a light,they can happen that quickly.I have lost count of how many people I have met in AA this has happened to,they come to meetings but don’t stop drinking.I lost 3 female friends in the space of a few months the other year.It is horrific.

Alcoholism is fatal,no other outcome.Do something about it OP before it is to late for you.

Nobody will judge you in AA,you would be welcomed warmly.There are also hundreds of Zoom meetings now,since the pandemic.They are on 24/7.I attend lots of them and have made many new friends from all over the world.

Not to scare you OP but the back pain your experiencing could be your kidneys or it could be because alcohol is a diuretic so it takes the fluid in between the discs in your spine which means their not then protected from one another and they can end up rubbing together.

I had a parent that was an alcoholic before I was born they'd stopped before I came along but my older brothers had lived through it and they sadly had a completely different relationship with our parent to what I had and I always felt some guilt(though obviously not my fault)and real sadness for them so please get help as soon as you can,it really can cast the longest shadow.

Well done on taking your first step in reaching out @Theblondewino. You know all too well how this could turn out and going from ‘functional’ to ‘dysfunctional’ can happen in the blink of an eye.

Given that your babies are so very small and so entirely dependent on you for care and safety, this isn’t simply about your and your own pain (which I really have compassion for incidentally, it sounds like you’ve had a really tough time). I know from experience that little children can become really ill really quickly and you need to be ‘on’ and alert at all times to enable you to respond quickly.

Please please seek help. And continue to post here so that we can support you. There are better ways to live life rather than existing and using alcohol to soothe your pain. I really wish you well, I think you’ve taken an important and brave first step 💕

Brave post. What’s your plan?

I suppose if you came on here, you do realise you have a problem, and I 🙏that you get that you have to stop. I know you mentioned that you don't drive after drinking, but often, even the day after, depending how much you drank / your weight and many other factors...you may still be over the limit without realising.
https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/information-about-alcohol/alcohol-and-the-law/drink-driving/can-i-drive-the-morning-after-drinking-alcohol
A few days ago I saw a programme where they were stopping people to breathalise them during the festive period, and one of them was that close to still be over the limit the following morning.
You mentioned your kids are your life...so please do change your life around for them...That was my brother in law a few years ago...Like another poster's family member, he was arrested for drink driving with the children in the car (at lunch time)....he suffered a heart attack at 41, had a lot of support (French) with dietician, doctor....but did not change his way.

On Valentine's day 2 years ago, he was blue lighted to hospital, they had to put him in an induced coma....less than 2 weeks later, my sister was told there was nothing they could do. His organs were failing. She had to take the decision to let them turn off the life support machine. He had turned 50 days before.
I will be honest in saying that the hardest thing ever I had to witness was their 10 year old son break down into tears when they shut the curtains before the cremation.
Best of luck to you.

My father was a “secret alcoholic” only he wasn’t, everyone knew. His friends, family, neighbours, everyone. Even myself and my brother knew and we were fairly young. He was told by his GP he would lose everything unless he stopped and they tried to help him but he didn’t want to be helped. He lost everything, his wife, his children, his job and his home. What we went through as a result of his selfishness affected myself and my brother massively, both ended up on antidepressants, brother self medicating with drugs for a while. I ended up needing large amounts of counselling and CBT. He ended up dead at 52 from a massive stroke as a result of his drinking. He died alone and it was about 4 days before his body was even found because he had nobody to miss him. Please love your children enough to stop. As I’ve said it took a lot of work for me to come to terms with the fact I wasn’t enough to make him stop. He used to be my best friend and I ended up growing to hate him. I wish you all the best, the fact you recognise there is an issue and want to change is the first step

My kids are the same age as yours. I did 100 days last year and am on day42 with the plan to be long term sober now. Agree with a pp that Catharine grey is a great book to start with. Recovery elevator is a good podcast. I also like Annie grace. Unfortunately your kids will notice, I’m so much more present when I’m not drinking and I’m able to enjoy them more.

Child of an alcoholic. We've literally never had a conversation about it.

My childhood was spent avoiding her. She needed to sleep every afternoon and we were left to amuse ourselves. She had a quick temper and little time for us. We couldn't go out or do hobbies (very, very rural) as she couldn't legally drive after about 4pm.

Amazingly, her health is not too bad. She did have a bad fall and smacked her head on a cupboard on the way down aged about 75.

Once I had left home (I left at 18, my sibling at 14) I realised there was no point in answering the phone to her after 10pm and she couldn't talk coherently. This deadline then went to 8pm, then 6pm. I haven't answered the phone to her for over a year now but I get weird, gushing messages instead.

She is making my father's life incredibly miserable. She now makes excuses not to ever drive and alcohol is hidden all over the house.

Where is your back sore? Is it round by your shoulder blades? That could be liver pain... or kidneys etc. You need a health check

My dad would leave at 5am for work, sober, then come home at 6pm.
He’d fix himself a scotch first thing. Then he’d shower and watch the news & then we’d have dinner. He’d go to bed early because he’d get up early, but he’d drink from the time he got home until the time he went to bed.
He drank a lot.
That was normal to me. That was what I grew up with. It was abnormal to go to someone else’s house where their parents didn’t drink.

This is what you’re conditioning your children to. You are making them think that this amount of drinking is normal, that it’s not unusual.

But it isn’t normal and it IS unusual.
Christ, @Theblondewino— get ahold of yourself for your children’s sake.

Hi OP, I have read all your responses but I haven't RTFT so, apologies if others have already asked the following.
Since this is an AMA I'd like to ask what you do with all the empty bottles & cans? I know you mentioned the recycling bins but do you really think they go unnoticed, especially by your husband?

Also, since the alcohol is 'hidden' in a sprite, do you ever worry that your children, or the 3 year old at least, might get a hold of your glass thinking it's just mummy's lemonade?

I have a friend who is always drunk whenever she phones me for a chat. The longer the conversation goes on the drunker she gets, the more she rambles and repeats herself until I can no longer understand a word she is saying. I absolutely dread it and will avoid answering the phone if I can. I prefer to phone her back the following day in the daytime as there's a chance she'll be sober.

Brainstorming Ideas...

Contact usual help groups AA etc.
Buy a breathalyser and never be above legal limit.
Buy less alcohol.
Confide in your doctor.
Never let your children see you drinking anything but water.
Start sharing purchase dockets with husband.
Become an on-line critique for non alcohol alternatives.
Save the cash not spent on alcohol in a visible container.
Try acupuncture.
Try hypnotherapy.

Literally today I had to see 27 year old lady in the ICU. Liver failure because of heavy drinking for the past few years. OP, she is now end of life. At 27 with 2 kids at home both under the age of 5 and she will die in a matter of days because of her alcoholism.

That could be you. You could leave your kids without a mother. I hope you find the strength and support to get the help you need.

Hi Op
I have been where you are now.
so when you say AMA I already know what you’re going through:
A previous poster said the used to go to the park with alcohol on a flask
I did that too.
I also didn’t drink when pregnant, nor smoke. But I did have postnatal depression after my second child.
Do you think this has happened to you? Because I didn’t know it was happening to me until I came out of it.
when I got pregnant with my third child things changed. I felt better BUT i still had 3 kids under 3!!!
so how it stopped for me was when they started school etc…

you will get through this darling.
However, my eldest child still remembers the worst in me instead of the best.

It's not a secret. Your children know.

Please get help. There is non-judgemental support out there, and you are not alone.

Please get help now. I'm planning a funeral for my dad this week. He was in such a bad state from alcohol. His legs were so badly infected they couldn't even amputate them due to his bad circulation. He died of kidney failure in the end, which was horrible. He actually didn't start drinking until he was about your age.

My mum is also a ‘functioning alcoholic’ (odd phrase as alcoholism is so very dysfunctional). She believes no one knows and she believes she hid it from us during childhood. I, like a previous poster, am traumatised and hold a lot of resentment for my mum because of it.

I can tell by her eyes when she’s had so much as one drink, it just changes her. She drinks wine out of mugs and her personality is noticeably different when she’s drunk. She drinks every single night and often starts in the day.

In her eyes, she believes she is hiding it and is no different when she’s had a drink but this is not the case. She’s incredibly difficult, stubborn and hard to be around when she drinks, but is lovely when sober.

My mum is approaching 60, and has hardly any muscle mass as she hardly eats. She has aged very quickly, always tired and lacks motivation to get outside and take care of herself.

I hate saying this, but I know alcohol will finish her one day and I feel robbed of the mum I should’ve had.

OP please see your GP, the back pain is concerning. And congrats on reaching out for help and admitting "out loud" what is going on for you. Good luck.

Yes you can. Interventions. They don't always work but many times they do. You can't get an addict help, but you CAN and SHOULD confront them. And an attempt is better than no attempt at all, as the child of an alcoholic, believe me; an attempt is better than no attempt all.

There's always posters sharing their experiences, yes.

Perhaps it's your kidneys

The "safe" drinking limit for women is surprisingly low, especially when most home drinkers idea of a standard drink is way off the official one. Liver damage is quite common in middle aged women who drink daily, but not excessively.

I hope you will come back op and confirm you have a doctor app for your back pain. This is not something you can leave.

There are a lot of depressing threads on here but for some reason this one has made me very sad. I hope you work your way out of this op.