My DH is blind - AMA

[WifeofBlindDH]

Friends are always curious about my DH’s disability but find it awkward asking sometimes, so thought I’d open it up to the wider mumsnet. My husband (and father to our two young kids) is completely blind, ask me anything.

Has he always been blind?
Has he ever seen you or your childrens faces?

What caused your DH's blindness?

Does he have a guide dog? Why/why not? If 'yes', what does their partnership mean for your husband (emotional/practical help)?

Thank you OP, this is so interesting. I've been trying to explain partial sight and blindness to my 4 year old. How do the little bumps at crossings work / help? I assume they are to show there's a road to cross but it assumes the person will attempt to cross where they are?!

He’s not always been blind but he was blind when he met me so he’s never seen me or our children, which is strange if I stop and think about it but obviously normal to us all now.

Does your DH have a dog? Sorry to be nosy but if he does have a dog and it is just the two of them out, if the dog has a poo in the street how does your DH manage, or is it ok he leaves it? Hopefully people are kind and aren't abusive about it. Maybe dogs for the blind have regular bowel habits and going out with them is planned around that. Sorry I don't know much about dogs' bowel habits and if they are fairly predictable.

I was just reading on FaceBook a random post about someone that works in ASDA helping a customer who is blind every week. Some nice comments on it about the ASDA employee and the man who was blind who worked on a switchboard at a company although he has now retired. He goes swimming regularly and the staff keep his dog in the office while he swims, which I thought lovely.

Yes they’re supposed to help identify a crossing place on the road but honestly my DH never seems to notice that they’re there, I think like any aid they’re probably more useful to some people than others, I think because he uses a guide dog rather than a cane he’s not as aware of them.

Dog Squad on CBeebies is a great watch to help explain disabilities for young kids and there is a guide dog on there.

Also one thing your 4yo might find interesting, many pedestrian crossings have a spinning underneath where you press the button so even if it doesn’t beep, a blind person can feel the cone spinning and know it’s safe to cross.

Yes he does, he’s on his second one now. It means that he’s a lot more independent when out and about with us as a family (the dog will know to follow us) and also just more independent in general for things like taking the kids to school. He could do that with a cane but the dog gives him a lot more confidence which I think is especially important when you have a young child with you.

It is ok to leave it if you are blind, but he does always try to pick it up. He will keep his hand on the dog and then try to feel around the area when it has gone. But also they’re trained to go on command so he will always try to get it to go to the toilet in the garden before he goes out anywhere.

Thank you for doing this AMA - Sight is a privilege that we all take for granted.

What do you find the most challenging part of your relationship / family life given your husband is blind?

My mum went also went from blind due to ill health although she was in her 50s. Not being able to see her family was hard for her as well as the routine day to day things.

@Coco1oco for me personally two things, 1) not being able to rely on non-verbal cues. So we can’t share a look over the kids head to convey what we mean, or I can’t give him a signal if we’re somewhere we want to leave. And just generally it means he can take my tone wrong or vice versa because we don’t have that body language reading

2. he struggles to take the kids out by himself while they’re so young so it means I don’t really get a break at home while he takes them out and then on the flip side he gets fed up of staying at home with one kid while I take another to football for example. Hopefully that will change as the kids get older though and less of a flight risk 😅

@Coco1oco Sorry about your mum, that must have been really hard for her, especially in her 50s. I think for my DH because he was younger at least he was maybe more adaptable.

Thank you for answering my questions.

What caused his blindness?

Does he work? What adjustments does he use at work?

And, another dog question(!), as your husband is on his 2nd dog, how did he cope with grief for his 1st dog? As you can see from my username, I have an assistance dog and I worry about coping with his old age and death because of our closeness.

Do you notice that he judges people differently to you? I'm know that I do judge subconsciously people by looks on first meeting in all sorts of ways and I've wondered how different my view of people would be if I couldn't see them - like when you used to get to know someone on the phone and then find they never looked how you imagined them!

Thanks for your reply. That's really interesting, and the other points you've made.

Have your DC had to learn not to scatter their stuff all over the floor from a young age? I fell over toy cars and legos even though I could (apparently) see. Does your DH have more at home accidents, or are you all hypervigilant (including him)?

My two questions - does he feel things like Chris doing strictly inspire him as others have suggested .

I always wondered how blind people manage toddlers who with mine I definitely needed eyes in the back of my head.

My mum went blind a few years ago, she is in her 60s. It's incredibly hard isn't it?

What would you say makes the biggest improvement in her quality of life?

Same question to the OP: what can I practically do to help my mum function as well as possible? (my dad just does things for her but that isn't really what she wants).

@zoemum2006 sorry if I'm out of turn commenting on someone's AMA - but the RNIB and guide dogs can be really helpful here - guide dogs do more than just dogs. There's lots of gadgets that can help visually impaired people do things independently and they'll advise you.

@zoemum2006 Definitely agree with @endsnewyearsday about seeking support from charities, in most areas there are also local sight loss charities which can help. They can provide assistance with practical and emotional support, items such as level indicators which can help with pouring drinks, as well as putting you in touch with other VI people and groups which might help with confidence.

He had a type of cancer which caused him to go blind. He does work, he gets funding through the government Access to Work scheme which means he can pay for a support worker as well as transport to work etc. and screen reading software on his computer.

It was really tough saying goodbye to the first dog but I think the anticipation of it was worse than the reality. He was very grumpy in the few months coming up to the retirement day but I think that almost was his way of grieving in advance. He also knew other blind people who had gone through that so could talk to them about it which I think helped.

No he doesn’t really feel inspired by people like that, maybe because he does just get on with life so to him it’s nothing special, he probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid at going on strictly. He hates it when people make a big thing of someone’s disability.

The toddler phase is definitely difficult, our home is as baby proofed as possible but he can’t really take them out and about at that age or at least doesn’t feel confident in doing so.

My eldest is pretty good most of the time, he’ll make sure that nothing in the way of doors / walk ways through the house. Occasionally he might get excited and abandon a toy in the middle of a room and the living room is still a free for all when it comes to toys being everywhere, but I think he is more understanding than most. My youngest is too young to understand.

I wouldn’t say more home accidents, he does bash his head / stub his toe more than most but we are pretty vigilant at always closing doors, keeping floors clear etc.

Did he get depressed about losing his sight? My dad lost his sight in his 60s and was very down about it.

Yes I’d definitely say it makes him less judgemental in some ways, he takes people more at face value. He will sometimes ask me after what someone looks like when he’s met them for the first time and his guess is usually completely off!