My DH is blind - AMA

[WifeofBlindDH]

Friends are always curious about my DH’s disability but find it awkward asking sometimes, so thought I’d open it up to the wider mumsnet. My husband (and father to our two young kids) is completely blind, ask me anything.

You’re welcome, obviously it helps that I live with the dog too so although DH is leader of the pack it still does know me as an owner

I’d never met anyone blind before! In fact I don’t think I even really knew anyone with a disability. I was going through a phase of just enjoying going on dates with different people so I was just open to it I guess and I think I went into it with an open mind from what I remember (feels like a long time ago now!) I was nervous but not massively more so than any other online date, I’m quite a confident person though.

Thank you, that’s lovely!

Hi op, great idea for a thread. My DM was blind for the last 15 yrs of her life. One of 9 siblings, she and one of her brothers were partially sighted from birth. My grandmother refused to send either of them to a 'blind school' - this was in the 1930s. Both wore lenticulated lenses that magnified their eyes until optometry caught up. My mother lost her sight because her myopia meant that her glaucoma could only be treated by eye drops and her cataract ops were a failed risk factor. She was amazing 💕 I remember her glam Margot Ledbetter style 1970s choir years, her drama teaching, the way she had authority even if she really couldn't see the students. Sewing, knitting by touch. I remember being completely phased by my DH looking for his glasses and walking around being able to look for them because I'd grown up with a person who could see nothing without her specs. She taught me so much, she had to have courage to just be. Apols if this is too long.

The visual cues and body language (in both intimacy and normal every day life) is definitely I think one of the biggest challenges to our relationship, if not the biggest. It means verbal communication is more important which if you’re tired and knackered from looking after young kids is hard sometimes!

Other than that I don’t think blindness changes things too much although I didn’t know him before for a comparison.

Wow I love this! Your DM sounds like she was an incredible woman. I can only hope our DC are inspired by and learn as much from their dad as you did with your DM. Thank you for sharing

@Printedword sorry this was for you!

Thank you 💕

I really do think growing up with her made me stronger. The only thing I would say that can be less of a plus is that one doesn't quite realise some things are easy for those who see well. Somehow being able to judge when to step off an escalator is still readjusted to the limitations of the person one was with when one first attempted this feat. Conversely, I can still knit and peel carrots etc. without really loooking.

I know what you mean, sometimes when I am out with sighted people I will tell them there is a step for example, completely forgetting they can see the step themselves!

This is a brilliant AMA, you sound fab OP, I love your candour and kindness.

I wanted to ask - does he follow sports? I’ve made a new friend at my writing group who is blind and wants me explain Rugby Union to her… between us we are trying to figure out a good way of doing this… like what is a ruck, a maul, a scrum, etc. She thinks some kind of plasticine model would help her, but as I am not a plasticine queen I was thinking of getting some 3D laser bits done for the rugby set pieces so that she can understand how the players are arranged. Does that sound nuts?

I go to rugby matches and don't understand the rules @Arlanymor! (And I have sight).

@Arlanymor yes he still loves and follows sport although he has the advantage of having seen them before he lost his sight so it must make more sense to him. I think that sounds a great idea for your friend and really lovely of you! Although as PP says I’m also unsure on the rules of rugby union and I can see and like sport - so good luck.

How did his parents and siblings/friends cope when he was diagnosed?

How long did it take him from learning he would lose his sight to going blind

And finally what can he see? Are there lights, or shadows or just blackness?

Sorry these all seem very personal but I've been thinking about this thread all day, understand if you don't want to answer.

And there are no rules in rugby 😂 @Arlanymor yes it does sound nuts, as shown above lots of sighted people don't understand, but I love it. I think 3d printed players is batty but brilliant. Would love to hear how it goes.

Don’t worry it’s an AMA so no question is too personal!

I wasn’t with him at the time but I know it was an incredibly difficult time for them all, especially his parents.

He went blind overnight so no warning.

He has some light perception so can usually tell if a light is on in a room or if the sun is shining he may be able to tell where it is but that is it.

Would you say you're a similar level of attractiveness? Hope that's not too personal/shallow sounding a question!

I've also sponsored guide dogs for years so it's lovely to hear how they help

I think you should get your writing group to act it out with her.

Hear me out.

Not at full speed obvs.

But picture the scene, you hold a rugby party, prep everyone in advance what the moves you're trying to create are.

Then like a slow mo game of twister you all position yourselves, help blind person join in (bend at the hips, put your arm round Clare's shoulders, ok, lean in)... 'Now imagine this with 12 x 18 stone guys all pushing as hard as possible, that's a scrum'

Yayyy.

Thank you.

Did he know he was going to go blind (as in knew the cancer was going to cause it) or was he healthy and then woke up blind?

Both options seem absolutely awful.

I work for Guide Dogs (in a non operational role) - what would be the number one thing that would be more helpful to you / DH from the service?

😆 Sorry am only just catching up on this thread - I do know what you mean, every January I have to re-read the code to keep up to date! Even then I still get it wrong and I used to play! But it changes so swiftly!

Hello, thanks so much for responding, I really appreciate it - yes good point about having been able to view sport previously, it definitely must make more sense to him. Ah thank you! She is really keen to be able to understand it more ahead of the Six Nations this year - we had a chat about it last night and she's suggested going to her house for dinner with my plasticine! I'm thought it might also be good to put together a really good aural showreel of the greatest tries of the Six Nations over the past decade to give her a sense of that groundswell of sound that you get when it looks like someone is likely to score... then the next thing will be to take her to a game in Cardiff! Maybe not this year though... I am not sure how useful I will be to her if I am crying into my daffodil hat! Thanks lovely - all the best to you and thanks again for the AMA.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THIS IDEA!

I think it will require a fair bit of planning as not everyone follows the sport, but we run workshops and I was talking to one of our guys who is a playwright about more tactile ways of performance art and how sport would lend itself.

Honestly it's a fab idea, I just need to wrap my little brain around it a bit first (also when I played my nickname was The Vulture... I am not gentle... so I need to temper my need to be a rampaging hippopotamus!)

It's very cool, thank you!

Sometimes it definitely feels that way! I have a friend from New Zealand and we always send each other the same text on 1 January (depending on who gets there first): "Bloody hell, what do we need to update ourselves on this year?!"

I love it too - there is nothing like it is there? So we're going with plasticine for the moment but I think there is definitely something to be said for 3D printing and I know a mate in Rhyl who has one and is a big rugby fan and would help out... think I might even drop an email to WRU and see what type of provisions they do to get people with sight considerations into the game, as I must admit I am fairly ignorant on that point. I know what they do for some other impairments as have volunteered on match day before, but not for sight. Time for me to learn a bit more I think! Will keep you posted! (Even if the first attempt is a several melty Morphs in a heap!!!!)

Do guide dogs get taken to the park for a run around like pet dogs or are they trained to be in work mode all the time?

@FasilBalti ours gets two free runs a week, nice long walk always somewhere quiet we can let them off the lead for a proper run around