I adopted my children AMA

[Onwayto50]

I adopted my two children when they were 3 and 5, almost 10 years ago now. So we have been through the first years and now the fun of the teenage years! AMA

Do you tell people openly?

I don't in every day life because it is the children's story to tell, but I tell schools or anyone else who needs to know. The children both know and know it is up to them whether they want to tell people or not and I follow their lead.

Were they emotionally scarred from their previous life? How are they doing now?

What made you decide to adopt?

Do they remember their birth family (or families) and do they have any ongoing contact?

OK, reason I asked is because dds best friend has confided that she and her sibling are adopted but we can't bring it up as she's not confident to tell her parents that she's told friends (they are all 14). It's difficult because the girl has some social issues which I suspect stem from adoption and she spends a lot of time at our house. I feel it would be helpful if the parents told us or at least let the child feel comfortable in talking about it.

Did you adopt them solo or with another parent?

without revealing their personal histories, can you tell us if personal history has presented any particular parenting challenges?

was it entirely celebratory the day the adoption each adoption was finalized or was their an element of disbelief as well, sort of like how some people feel leaving the hospital with a newborn, that duality of love and terror?

Are they biological siblings?

Fellow adopter here! Just doing the secret solidarity handshake.

From what I know with 2 adopted friends and a cousin who was fostered/adopted and DB’s ex girlfriend who was in care up to 16 years it’s tricky sometimes for them talking about it and often they don’t like talking much about the circumstances around it which is understandable. Other people can take an interest in it which the adoptee doesn’t quite know how to handle. All the adoptee really wants to do is slot in, fit in, and a lot want family life which they’ve missed out on through being adopted though their adoptive parents obviously do a good job bringing them up.

DB’s ex felt really uncomfortable about family set ups and family days out even though she was in touch with her sisters and her mum was alive.

Last year I sat next to a young black couple out at a museum restaurant with 2 young white boys (twins) who looked adopted/fostered. My DNephew was trying to speak to them even though they were younger than us. I did think the parents were brave to take on a different colour/race to themselves due to looks and questions but the parents were doing an excellent job.

Sorry it's the parents who don't talk about it, the child does.

With my daughter it was clear from day 1 that she was emotionally struggling but as she was the older child it was easier to tell. With my son it has always looked as though he was 'fine', but the thing about adoption is that the trauma is always there albeit in some children much deeper to find. We have recently seen some behaviours in my son that make us think that his scarring is coming to the front now that he is 12. They are doing well though - my daughter has a lot more to contend with as she has SEN issues that have just been diagnosed so needs a lot of support in school but in general they are settled which is a good place to be!

Sadly we found out in our early 30's that we would struggle to conceive, and we tried IVF which I hated, and also sadly resulted in a missed miscarriage. We wanted to be parents and adoption felt like a good way to have our family.

They don't remember their birth family, although they both have life story books which have photographs of their birth parents, aunts, uncles etc and they look at them occasionally. We do have ongoing contact with their birth mum via letters once a year but they are written by us as parents and written to us rather than to the children. When they turn 18 we will fully support them in whatever decision they make as to whether they want to find their birth parents.

What was the full adoption process like and how long did it take?

I've had 4 mc and don't think I'll ever have a child of my own and was looking into adoption for the coming years. I know it's a hard long process, do you have to have a lot of money, your own house? X

Ah I see. That is such a difficult place to be for both you and the young lady. We have made it very clear to the children that being adopted isn't a secret, although after some rather unpleasant incidents with other children when they were younger, they are rather reluctant to tell others which is perfectly fine with us too. We have always said it was up to the children and we wouldn't tell anyone (unless we had to) without their express permission, but I agree that it would be helpful if your DDs best friend was able to talk freely about it.

Have you had to manage many situations that have the potential to be upsetting, @Onwayto50 ? I’m thinking about (for example) class texts read in school such as Goodnight Mister Tom, family tree work and so on?

I adopted them with my husband.

I don't know that I would say their personal history has presented any particular parenting challenges, but I do think the disruption in their lives certainly has - there is always a wound when children are removed from their parents - even if their parents were neglectful or abusive, and one main challenge has been that our daughter, even 10 years later, really hasn't attached to us. Even now she attempts to find new adults who could parent her which makes for some major difficulties, and being honest it can be absolutely heartbreaking to watch your daughter prefer others. We have also had to be much stricter with boundaries than perhaps other parents are, which can look quite odd to others. So we have had to be very strong in our convictions that we are doing the best for our children no matter what others think!

When the adoption was finalised it was a year after the children came home so that did feel celebratory in that we no longer had to have social worker visits disrupt our lives. However, the day we brought them home was full of utter terror. We went from no children, to suddenly having a 3 and 5 year old in the house who were taken away from a foster carer they loved and given to two strangers. So it took us all about 6 months to begin to feel that we might be able to be a family! It was hard!

They are! They are full siblings.

Did you considering fostering beforehand? Do you have ongoing support or were you just left to it? DH and I TTC 12yrs, lost 3, rounds of IVF etc. We could give children a loving, stable home. I'd worry though whether I'd know how to cope with the emotional side of their history. Any tips or advice? What was the process like and how long did it take? Sorry if this sounds crass, but do you choose the children yourself via a book/meet and greet or does the adoption agency just match you and that's it?

Hello!! Sending the secret solidarity handshake back 🤗

OMG was this deliberately goady? @Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain ?

"Last year, I sat next to a young black couple out at a museum restaurant with 2 young white boys (twins) who looked adopted/fostered ... I did think the parents were brave to take on a different colour/race themselves".

Trust me, those children awaiting a new family are very unlikely to have been matched with a non-white couple due to cultural differences. Statistically, there are always more white adopters waiting; most children looking for new families are not white. Also, how the f* does a child look adopted/fostered?

On a more practical note, please, all adopters looking for support with any behaviour or family issues, contact your local council post-adoption support team and ask for financial support for therapy. You can access 5k a year for therapeutic support for family therapy/behaviour issues, etc., funded by the UK Government for yourselves and the child.

How have your parents, siblings, and best friends reacted?

We started the process in the June and the children came home a year and a month later - which sounds long but it went really quickly! It honestly was fine - we had to demonstrate that we had a solid support network around us and that we were in good health (my husband has diabetes but that wasn't an issue). We had quite a lot of paperwork to do and we went back over our childhoods and pasts to identify anything that might cause either trauma to us when adopting or might raise issues. Then we had meetings with a social worker who was with us the whole way and asked us lots of questions about us as a couple, what our parenting style might be like and how we would handle behaviour issues etc. I guess it may feel a little intrusive but it was so much nicer than IVF and we came out of it feeling like a very strong team which was lovely. You don't have to have a lot of money or own your own house. We were in rented when the children first came home!

The biggest issues for us have been the blasted family tree that pops up in primary and again in secondary - and also any stories or films that have parents dying. We managed to approach the family tree ones by contacting the teachers, letting them know that this wasn't going to work for us, and them working with us to find a good way for the children to join in. They were brilliant in every instance. The film thing is very hard, and we don't always get it right - especially as so many films have abandoned children or deaths of parents. For a while we avoided films altogether as my daughter would just sob for hours, but it's much better now she is older and we can explain what is happening.