I adopted my children AMA

[Onwayto50]

I adopted my two children when they were 3 and 5, almost 10 years ago now. So we have been through the first years and now the fun of the teenage years! AMA

I have a lot of adopted friends. I am a 60s baby when it was common. I have friends with adopted children.
My experience is that 60/70s adoptees all have some form of understanding but missing pieces in their life. Most were unmarried mothers often forced to give babies up. The landscape has changed over time. Most later adopted children have increased levels of issues / neglect / trauma

I have friends who have been approved and hope that a child will come home to them some time later this year.

What are the most useful things people did for you when your DC had newly arrived? And are there any things that people do/say that are well-meaning but just plain wrong?

@AngryGreasedCactusSanta
I'd say
Join parent support groups around adoption. Embrace that community.
Read threads on Mumsnet board.
Re other people;
Smile but ignore most of the comments and opinions I

@AngryGreasedCactusSanta

Don't offer parental advice, if you have children, your experience will be very different.

Don't assume that when the child comes home everything will be wonderful, it's a hugely difficult time for everyone and post adoption depression is as much a thing as PND.

In particular please don't say

All children do that
They just need proper boundaries
Any thing about reward charts and naughty steps.
Do offer a shoulder to cry on, listen, tea and cake,
Ask your friend what you can do

Thank you for being considerate enough to ask !

Thank you - that's really helpful

My DC are considerably older than the age range they are expecting, so I'm not really tempted to offer parental advice anyhow (ditto already for people I know with birth DC that age, but even if I did it would be heavily caveated because it's so long since I was in the trenches with that age!)

Thanks in particular for the warning of "all children do that" as I might easily have put my foot in it with that one. But I do realise that it's likely to bring all sorts of challenges that I may never really understand fully. So will definitely be ready with cake, hankies, gin etc

I have to say that we weren’t supported as I needed when the children first came home but I wish that other people would have realised that it was just as terrifying and exhausting as bringing a baby home so I wish that some of them had checked in with me - not about the kids but just seeing how I was! And I wish that they’d asked what I needed. What I needed was someone to help out with the housework and meals as I was drowning in being a new mum!
As for things I wish they hadn’t done:
Telling us we were wonderful people for adopting! We weren’t and aren’t - we were just trying to parent without falling apart!
Hugging or reassuring the children in the early years when they still weren’t attached to us. I wish they had just gently sent them over to us for hugs and reassurance! Lots of people wanted to parent them too because they felt sorry for what they had been through which while it is understandable just confused the children!
Telling us that all 3yo or 5yo did xyz! It wasn’t as reassuring as they thought and made us feel terrible most of the time!
When we did explain any of the difficulties they would often dismiss them and tell us that the children seemed wonderful - of course they are wonderful but we are looking for support with parenting and instead were dismissed as being over bearing or neurotic!

Thank you so much for this incredible thread. We ended up doing IVF and it worked out for us but I did start to look at the adoption process and honestly, I was overwhelmed. It felt impossible. So good on you for doing it!

How on earth did they decide who to match you with and how? Was there a reason you went for the ages you did? Did either of you have to give up work or massively reduce your hours?

Forgive me if things too personal, but did you say “no” to anything or any type of child? Is it true you can’t really adopt a baby?

edit: I mean did you say no to certain age, disability etc

Do you think any improvements could be made on how children are adopted in this country?

@Ididivfama

In case the op does not come back

Children's social care is broken, there are countless ways it could be improved.
We should start with being clearer that adoption is a last resort and is a service for children, not a service for childless adults.
Removing a child permanently from their birth family is a serious business and is not done lightly. The court process therefore take time.
If you do foster to adopt you can be matched with a baby but there is a risk that the baby may return to the birth family.
Matching is a fine art, a bit of head and a bit of heart, many factors go into it.
As a single adopter I was clear a school age child would be best suited as I really needed to work at least part time. My son was nearly 8 when he came home, a bit older than I imagined but he was a perfect fit in every other way.
I worked just under half time initially, school hours, increases a bit when he went to secondary and up to 30 hours when he was 15.
Yes many people do have to give up work or go part time.

Totally agree with this. Dh and I are both white and one of my dc is extremely pale with blonde hair and blue eyes. My SIL is black and when ds was a baby and she was holding him at a wedding or something there would always be comments, some of them very rude.

OP, I was wondering if you allow the school to post photos of your dc on social media and if you post photos of them?

Thank you for the thread OP.

Has your experience as an adoptive parent influenced your views on surrogacy?