I adopted my children AMA

[Onwayto50]

I adopted my two children when they were 3 and 5, almost 10 years ago now. So we have been through the first years and now the fun of the teenage years! AMA

Good thread. I'm in my 50s and adopted and was as a baby. Adoption is very complex emotionally even when done as a baby. Attachment issues perfectly the norm. My own children are more emotionally attached to me than I ever was.

Love this thread and you sound like an amazing person and parent.

My questions would be: Do you think adopted children always have trauma and difficulties or is it possible to have an adoption that functions in a similar way to a bio family (perhaps if adopted from birth)? I know two adoptee families - one that's very open about their struggles with two teens and one that also has a troubled teen but categorically denies it's related to adoption as the child was 16 months at adoption.

OP you sound lovely. I was adopted (well, illegally purchased/trafficked, but that’s another story) from Romania in the late 80’s.

I am a teacher now and I always ensure other teachers know the impact that family trees/baby pictures could have on adopted children - and children of refugees or children who’ve escaped DV homes with no belongings etc.

I think the biggest things for me are not knowing who my birth parents are, so every medical appointment where I’m asked about maternal/paternal medical history…I don’t know. Date of birth…I don’t know! Makes me look like a delinquent! Following from that, the guilt I feel having children and them not having a full family history saddens me. It is what it is though.

All the best with your family OP

I'm sorry to hear that OP. The fostering thing is difficult because obviously some children can't be left with their birth parents but then when they meet their parents they are leaving behind their foster parents who they may be very attached to, you mentioned loved upthread. Seems like another loss for them in their short lives. And there is no real solution, they must be kept safe.

Interesting discussion, OP! Your family sounds delightful!

I've been struck by the number of anti-adoption people I've come across on social media; I don't mean people who warn others against adoption for practical reasons, but people who are very negative about the very concept of adoption, seem to think that families should be kept together at all costs and that adoption is akin to child trafficking, make a lot of accusations about social services being racist or classist.

Although I know this is a sensitive subject, have you come across these people in real life or online, or encountered other views on adoption that were very negative or difficult to deal with?

Hi - honestly feel free to ask anything - we had so many questions at that stage of adopting!
There wasn't a moment when it hit that we loved them but I would say that it took longer than we expected to feel as though we were a family. I think we expected a bit of a eureka moment and we certainly had a few (when they ran out of school for the first time shouting our names in delight was a memorable one!).
They did call us mum and dad from the beginning but at the very beginning it just felt like names rather than who we were, and it was very confusing for my daughter at 5 who until two months earlier was seeing her birth mum and calling her mum - so that had to be handled pretty carefully.
My PIL accepted them immediately with no questions asked. My DM thought she did but it took her a lot longer in reality to come to terms with the adoption and she struggled with the idea that there was a long journey ahead.

No one calls us their adoptive mum or refers to the children as my adoptive children; even at dr's etc I am just mum although in diagnosis letters etc from the doctor they mention they are adopted but then we are referred to as their parents and not their adopted parents. Actually I don't think anyone has ever referred to my children as my adopted children so hopefully you won't run into this very often if at all!

You are quite right that neglect can mean many other things - we tend to say neglect to anyone who asks because it is our children's story and not ours and so we don't reveal any more of their background than that (which is what they have asked of us) and it is up to them if they want to reveal any more going forward.
With regards to their surname, the children are informed of it in their later life letter (a letter written by the social worker at the time of adoption which gives the children more detail than in their life story books) and the letter is normally given around the mid teens.

Yes, it is funny the number of people who have said to us over the years, when we are having struggles, that it would have been much better to have adopted a baby as they wouldn't have struggled to attach - and we know that this is fundamentally wrong! I think there needs to be a lot more education for people about adoption and fostering and about children who are removed from their birth parents so that they can understand that it is a lifelong wound and trauma, no matter how early they are removed! Thanks so much for commenting!!!

I would say that all children who are removed from their birth families always have trauma and some difficulties but it manifest in different ways. My daughter is an example of the more obvious trauma difficulties as she doesn't mask them (well she does at school but not at home) so although it is incredibly hard we can 'see' the trauma more obviously. My son at first and second glance looks as though he has no trauma at all. He appears attached, settled, gets on well in school, has many friends etc. So, from the outside I would say he looks like he is functioning in the same way as a bio family. However, his trauma is very hidden and we have only just started to notice it in the way he reacts if one of us is cross or if there is a loud noise outside, or in some of his responses to things that happen at school. I would say that your friend who adopted their child at 16 months may be fooling themselves as some of the behaviour will almost definitely be related to adoption trauma (although some of it will also be normal teenage issues mixed in!)

Thanks so much for your lovely message and I send so much love to you over your adoption and lack of knowledge - we know a fair amount about the children's birth parents but there are still huge gaps and it is hard for me as their mum so I'm not sure how they will feel as they get older and have to answer their own questions at doctors surgeries! I'm hoping that when they turn 18 they are given access to their previous medical history! I recently had to fill in a form for an SEN assessment for one of the children and ended up putting huge lines through most of it saying I just don't have the history the assessment was asking for, which was really difficult - so I absolutely understand and feel for you with yours!

I agree - there just doesn't seem to be another solution, and when the children lose yet another much loved adult from their lives, it is like the wound opening all over again. My DC were in four different foster homes in a year and a half, and I just can't imagine how that affected them!

I haven't come across this in real life, but I have come across some rather terrifying people online who are absolutely anti-adoption and absolutely of the opinion that as adoptive parents, we are happily colluding in the removal of children from families who have either done nothing wrong or who just needed support to get it right. And no matter what you try to say to them they are very black and white. I did try and engage them for a while but realised it wasn't worth it and the main thing I knew for my DC was that their birth family had been very supported for about three years before it all really fell apart, and that they were much safer being removed than staying any longer.

How far did your kids move to be with you? I presume they weren’t particularly local.

The children were moved one county from their birth county, but I do remember there being a discussion as to whether our house was too close to the border. They are always moved out of their home county and we have now moved several counties away (not on purpose - it's just the way it panned out!)

If you split up would you parent the children 50/50

This is really interesting, Thankyou!

My sister in law and her sister were adopted as very young children. I think the sister was 3 and my sister in law was about 16 months.

My sister in law has no issues - she had the opportunity to meet her birth mother and decided not to, but I believe she does have some contact now with her biological sisters. Hand on heart I can say she's the most balanced person I know and is incredibly resilient and matter of fact. I did wonder when she had her own children if anything would come up but it doesn't appear to (and we are very, very close!). She's very open about her family history.

Her older sister however - has had lots of problems with addiction, has had her own children removed and is currently in prison.

Shows that even within one family it can manifest very differently.

Ok in your case no reason why your DC look different but in this couple’s case, with 2 very blond and white DC and two black (not light skinned, mixed race) parents, I’d find it hard to believe there was a throwback there.

Do you feel that other professionals, medical for example, need more awareness about adoption?
When my dil was pregnant she didn’t know her medical history and the midwife wrote -adopted- on the front of her notes which she found quite upsetting.

Do you feel like they are your own, or that you’re raising someone else’s children?

Yes that would probably be the plan but as the children are old enough we would go along with their wishes too.

This is exactly it! And we have found that our children need very different parenting styles because they are affected in such different ways! Thanks so much for sharing.

I’ll understand if you can’t or would rather not answer this, but I’m just wondering if your children’s birth parents went on to have more children, and if they did, would you be made aware of that from the social worker?

Also, when making an application,
can you give a preference for the sex of the child? That probably sounds like a crass and insensitive question, but I have always wondered that

We do now feel as though we are raising our own children but for at least the first few years it often felt as though we were babysitting which was a very odd feeling!

We don’t think the birth parents had any more children and I believe they would tell us but perhaps only if the children were at risk of being removed from the parents.
And you can request the sex of the child along with age ranges, SEN issues, potential behaviour issues etc. It is a very very odd feeling and we were uncomfortable with it so we just said we didn’t mind but would be willing to have older children as most people would prefer a baby.

Thank you for such an interesting thread OP. I've had two friends that have adopted. One had a nightmare experience as her DD kept running away from home once she hit puberty and was prostituting herself. My friend had a serious suicide attempt and it broke up her marriage. The other friend adopted two full siblings and later another was born and she adopted this child too. The problem was that I knew exactly who these children were as a family member lived in their original home town and we had full knowledge of their situation. We also knew that there were other full siblings that my friend didn't know about. I felt so awkward. I was happy when they moved away.

Your family sound so lovely. All teens are challenging.