I adopted my children AMA

[Onwayto50]

I adopted my two children when they were 3 and 5, almost 10 years ago now. So we have been through the first years and now the fun of the teenage years! AMA

Not goady no. I just thought it was brave of them to take these children on.

Well these children (they looked toddler age) were definitely with a black couple so the likelihood of them being adopted/fostered looked quite strong to me. I mean they could have been other relatives but the mother was acting in a very motherly way towards them.

We didn't consider fostering first - I was so worried that we would attach to the children and then they would be removed to another foster home (which happens far too much) or would be allowed to be returned to their parents (which I hasten to add would have been wonderful for them but I didn't think I was strong enough to go through that). We did have ongoing support for the first year but we were so relieved when it ended and we could make our own decisions as parents without thinking about social workers.
I was also worried about coping with the emotional side of the children's history and it hasn't been easy but we have coped! Looking back (and it's always easy with hindsight), I would have treated the children at the age they were emotionally rather than their actual age, which sounds obvious but it's not when you are in the throes of it. My daughter is 14, but emotionally she can still be about 7 or 8, and needs to be met at that age, whereas emotionally my son is at his actual age of 12. I would definitely not have adopted two children at once - they both needed parenting in completely different ways, and we would have done a much better job parenting one I think - although I don't regret having my two, I would do it differently if I did it again.
The process took about a year and a half from us inquiring before the children walked through the door of our house, and although it's quite intrusive at times, it was so much better than IVF and we came out of it stronger together.
As to choosing the children, sometimes the social workers know from the beginning who they would like to match you with, but in our instance we had a magazine called Children Who Wait, and we saw our children in their and then reached out to the social workers.

Thanks for answering, @Onwayto50 . I can see how so many films and books will throw up issues. I’m so glad the teachers have been supportive and I hope your DD settles

They were all really supportive from the beginning.

Thank you for doing so.
I'm 53 and have five friends who were adopted as babies/toddlers. Three are in contact with their bio family, now but not until their 20s.. Two didn't want to. The three who did have been successful reunions . All still feel their adoptive parents as their parents and the bio families are more like aunts and uncles.

I would honestly be delighted if the children were able to have a happy reunion with some of their birth family if they want to - and if they don't want to right away (or at all) we will support that too. I think having the door always open is the right thing for us to do.

I’m quite shocked at your comments and find them quite ignorant. Kids don’t look adopted or fostered, and they could easily be the mothers and a white father, who had since split up. They may have been a relation. A niece or a nephew from an interacial marriage, you’ve no idea.

Do they have contact with their foster parents at all?

Did you get given an honest and complete summary of your children's experiences or issues before they lived with you?

A friend of mine adopted and felt like their social workers were keen to omit or gloss over some of their adopted dc 's history or needs which made the first year harder.

We did have for a while, and we tried to maintain contact because we felt it was important but sadly it just didn't pan out.

Looking back, I would say that although we were probably given a pretty accurate description of their lives, we absolutely weren't given an honest and complete summary of the issues that they were coming home with. Now this may have been that the social workers just didn't know and it can also be incredibly difficult to know whether some behaviours are age related, experience related or emotionally related to something else, but there were things that came up pretty early on that are still ongoing now that would have been nice to have some support for really early on.

Is adoption harder than you thought it would be? I find parenting harder than I expected. I had a child via IVF so really wanted children so have found it hard to accept how difficult I have found it.

I am curious to know how hard it is to deal with feelings of regret if you adopt. It must be very difficult or taboo to talk about if people do have these feelings.

Can I ask, why were they given up for adoption op?

It is much harder than I thought it would be! Much, much harder. When we first started to think about adoption we thought it would be crafting, and jolly holidays and laughter all the way. I guess exactly what many other parents think when they think about the family they may have. Instead we had trauma and tears and screaming and lack of attachment and such hard hard hard work. The first 5 years were by far the hardest for all of us. Actually for us the best thing that happened was Covid. My husband came home from work on the 23rd March 2020 and never went back to the office - and that helped dramatically!!
But being really honest, I had many many days of regret. I was sad that the children didn't look like me or have any of the family quirks - and sometimes looking at them was literally like looking at strangers. So yes definitely some regrets and so hard. Now they are 12 and 14, and we have been a family for almost 10 years, I absolutely adore being with them. My son is the funniest, most loving young man you could hope to meet - and my daughter is a beautiful and caring young lady and I'm super proud of who they are becoming - we still have blooming awful days but the good days are definitely more frequent!

I'm interested to know what the general advice is with regard to social media contact to/from birth families? Eg a 14/15 year setting up a social media account and getting in touch with their birth mother etc. Do you know how you'd plan to handle this type of thing?

Sadly there was a lot of neglect and parents who were struggling to cope even with an awful lot of support.

Well there doesn't seem to be very much general advice - so we are going the way we feel best. Neither of the children have a social media account except WhatsApp, and they both have monitored phones. I know that they may have one we don't know about but they don't know their previous surname, just first names of their parents, so I'm not too worried about whether they would be able to get in touch. However, if they did get in touch I hope and think they would tell us, and then we would support them with the contact. I wouldn't shut it all down, as at that age they do know what they want, but I would put some boundaries and rules in place to make sure the children were protected emotionally and I hope that they know that we would support them no matter what!

Thanks for answering. Did you have places in real life where you could share your struggles? Or is to hard to share? I never felt I could moan about parenting after trying so hard to get pregnant.

I have a friend with two adopted children and she seems to struggle but I think is reluctant to admit it.

Really interesting thread. Thanks. I'm just wondering about names with adopted children. Do you have the option to change names, particularly if they are very identifying? Also what do you do if the names are really not your style?

I would say that there are very very few places I can share any struggles. I do have one good friend who adopted at the same time and we share with each other, but otherwise we get a lot of 'well that's all teenagers!' or 'yes my child does that' when really they don't because our children are not only dealing with their age related issues but a whole host of other issues.

The reality is that it is too hard to share with anyone who hasn't adopted because unless you live through it, you just can't fully understand, no matter how much you try. And sometimes we have people dismissing us because they think we are trying to 'blame' everything on the children being adopted and they think we are being over precious or over protective, so you stop telling people because then you are having to defend yourself and your parenting and it is just too exhausting!
Obviously I don't know your friend but I would say that it is pretty much guaranteed that she is struggling but it is just too hard to admit it!

I have only known one child have their name changed because it was so very identifying that it was felt better that it was changed for their safety. Otherwise the names the children come with stay with them. The thing is that your name is a fundamental part of you, and even very young children identify with their names, so removing that would be like removing a part of who they are. However, you are able to change or add middle names which we did for our daughter, but not our son as his middle name turned out to be a family name that all of the men in our family have.

If the name isn't the sort of name you might give, then I do know that some families will go with a nickname, shorten it etc, but ultimately that is their name. It's funny as we went with the nickname that our son was given by his birth mother, and as he has become older he has, by choice, reverted to his full name which we also support. Whereas our daughter never wanted a nickname and is still known by her full name!

Another fellow adopter here - full siblings and they are now 21 & 22. Thank you so much for starting this thread. Both of my dc have very definitely been impacted by their early years and both have attachment/trauma issues.

I was placed for adoption at 6 weeks old in the 60s and I have attachment issues. However my dc know so much about their biological background than I do of my own and I feel that is so much better for them.

My dc's teenage years have been turbulent but both are now in a better place emotionally.

The whole adoption process is complex and at times very challenging but the outcome is beyond worth it

Thanks so much for this! As we are in the middle of the teenage years it is so good to hear that there is an end in sight!! And I completely agree that the children knowing about their biological background is so much better - and I love that I can answer some of their questions which I think makes them feel much more secure in both us and in their lives :).

Thank you for this thread. We are recently approved and mid-matching at the moment so it's perfect timing as I have so many questions (feel free to say if they're too intrusive though)!

Was there a moment when it sort of hit you that you loved them?

Did they call you mum and Dad from the beginning?

Were the children accepted by both your families straight away?

I'm finding I have quite a strong reaction to people saying 'their adopted daughter/adoptive mum' rather than just 'their daughter/mum.' Do the people who know your dc are adopted do this?

A lot of neglect is SW speak for either DV, drugs, alcohol, or MH issues. Removing children from the birth family is a last resort, never a first option. Children are placed for adoption if there is no chance, due to the above issues, they will be able to return home. It is cheaper to move young children to adoption (new parents pay to bring them up) than 18 years + care leavers package covered by the LA to keep them in foster care.

To answer the question of the person who asked about tracing family, the children never know their original surname unless the adopted parents choose to tell them; sometimes, but more rarely, first names are changed as well. They are never matched with potential adopters in their local area, either. They also get a new birth certificate.

There are post-adoption support groups via the local council or external adoption agency for parents to join either in person or virtually for support, but most choose not to engage.

I attended an outwards bounds weekend with my teenage kids and family and 15 (ish) other families. By the end of the weekend, one of my children felt he had made some lovely friends and decided to tell them he was fostered (no idea why). When he recounted the tale to me, the look of shock still on his face when instead of being asked 20 questions or kids not understanding, one of the other children said 'Me too', and they slowly realised the entire event was for fostered children through the same LA.

Fostered/adopted children do not look different @Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain. He has a totally different skin colour and heritage than I do, but there is no reason why I could not have been the birth mother with a different father. Pls don't be judgy; families come in many different guises and mixed cultures.