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AMA

I HAVE TOTALLY STUFFED UP MY LIFE

125 replies

StillNoSense · 08/05/2024 16:54

Terrible background and growing up
No confidence in own abilities
Thought I’d never get a boyfriend
Bullied at school
Thought I was ugly
Tried to start relationships with sports stars and actors
Abused by a boy band member though I walked right into it
Married someone within weeks though I knew there were red flags but someone wanted me so I jumped
Wasn’t happy and tried to escape and had a few chaste dates with another man, husband found out and beat me up and never let me forget my misdemeanours
Looked for a knight in shining armour to get me out
Constantly in debt but on the way out of it
Snakes and ladders with houses because of picking wrong men and careers through picking wrong jobs
Upset when others get on in career
Started relationship with married man went on for years knew it was wrong but felt guilty ending it
Slept with someone because I felt guilty and sorry for him and got pregnant and terminated it
Married man left me because I was a cheat and then policed me
Fell in love with one of my students and made an idiot of myself
Spent loads of money on psychics
I’m a total STUFF UP

Ask me anything about it!

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 08/05/2024 23:44

I can relate to some of this. Also have adhd and lots of childhood trauma, which drove some monumentally stupid decisions.

But honestly. You have a home, a career and friends. That's awesome! That's more than many people have. You don't mention health, so I'll assume you're relatively healthy.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You could have ended up in a way, way worse situation. You have so much. Cultivate a sense of gratitude for that. Think about what you can do for others, think about who you could serve. Stop focusing so much on yourself and start looking outwards.

Rattatoille · 08/05/2024 23:59

@schoolsoutforever
What good advice and kind words, listen to the positives OP.

KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop · 09/05/2024 00:02

Those who perpetuate abuse & cause trauma love to tell victims they're stupid. It erodes self esteem and the ability to trust one's own thoughts & decisions. Then whenever the victim does do or say something unwise, it's used as proof.

We all make stupid choices at times, op. Yours seem to be directly related to trauma & at some point you need to realise that you probably had limited control over them at time.

StillNoSense · 09/05/2024 00:35

KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop · 09/05/2024 00:02

Those who perpetuate abuse & cause trauma love to tell victims they're stupid. It erodes self esteem and the ability to trust one's own thoughts & decisions. Then whenever the victim does do or say something unwise, it's used as proof.

We all make stupid choices at times, op. Yours seem to be directly related to trauma & at some point you need to realise that you probably had limited control over them at time.

Once my ex husband and I were in the kitchen and he was doing washing up, we didn't have a dishwasher, he had put lots of knives and forks etc in the cutlery drainer so it tipped over and fell back into the washing up bowl and he screamed and shouted that I was stupid!

OP posts:
Pineapples1234 · 09/05/2024 02:05

You've tracked down a lot of people. Do you think this is normal behaviour?

I know that might sound judgemental but I don't mean it to be. I'm asking because I don't know the answer! I find it creepy and it's not something I'd ever do, but that doesn't mean it isn't normal behaviour. I'm curious about it because I had a friend who did more than you did, she stalked someone. Apart from the stalking I'd have said she was an ordinary person.

If you happen to want a career change maybe you should be an heir hunter tracing people's relatives or a private investigator.

Oversharingnamechanged · 09/05/2024 03:25

@StillNoSense I just want to give you a hug. It's 3:15am I'm writing this to you so forgive me, it might be all over the place.

I also have adhd and I think I'd have been given a BPD diagnosis had I been honest with professionals about my behaviour.

My questions are do you have a support network?

Do you understand that whilst taking accountability for your actions is good, not giving your traumas and emotional instability some blame is also unhealthy, because you're almost putting yourself up for a public flogging, it's really like self harm because the things you've done are a consequence of being mentally unwell. But you're inviting strangers to attack your bad choices that you've likely made when having episodes of extreme uncertainty.

I grew up full of trauma and did some bad things, drugs, used sex to get attention and feel loved, put myself in the most dangerous situations and laughed it off, blamed myself for ending up assaulted because I'd chosen to drink excessively and walk around the park 3am with ear phones in, that kind of thing. Do you blame yourself for bad things people did to you, simply because you don't value yourself?

When did your extreme behaviour start?

Are you aware lots of ND women especially are excellent at sleuthing but also have a tendency to hyperfocus and it can become stalkery? Even excessively checking social media etc

Do you think, with hindsight growing up when things didn't make sense to your little nd brain that you were made to feel stupid from very young? Apparently adhd children receive over 20,000 pieces of more of negative feedback that NT kids do.

What's the plan moving forward? 💐

MountCaramel · 09/05/2024 03:32

You sound like my friend's sister who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. It would be worth getting an assessment if only to rule things out. However, looking at the pattern of behaviours listed does point to a hidden issue &/or trauma. You should explore trauma therapy and DBT in case you're not currently receiving any therapy atm.

Picklesjar20 · 09/05/2024 04:12

Tbf i don't think youve done badly..

You had a bad upbringing, but despite that you have put yourself through university, got a good career as a teacher in computer science and a mortgage/property...

I dunno with that part your doing a lot better then quite a few people..

So debts can be remedied, relationships and interactions improved with therapy. Your over halfway there to what you say you want out of life..

Look deep enough into others history and personal life, you will find along the way we have all had a moment of shoddy decisions or a shitty man.

Phrase your life differently and you have a completely different spin on it..

If i went on a negative tangent about my life and cut out the achievements and my growth i would sound way shoddier 😂😂

lifesrichpageant · 09/05/2024 05:53

Gosh what a refreshing thread. OP thanks for your honesty and open-ness. When reading your post and your thoughtful replies, I was thinking, "this person has their sh*t together"! You have a lot of insight and I think if you get some counselling you will be absolutely fine. We ALL mess up and make mistakes - it's what we do afterwards that matters. And you seem to have done well for yourself despite the tough upbringing and lack of role models.

KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop · 09/05/2024 08:49

StillNoSense · 09/05/2024 00:35

Once my ex husband and I were in the kitchen and he was doing washing up, we didn't have a dishwasher, he had put lots of knives and forks etc in the cutlery drainer so it tipped over and fell back into the washing up bowl and he screamed and shouted that I was stupid!

Well, there you go then. What an awful person he was, you didn't deserve that.

Lots of people here telling you that you're not a bad person & haven't screwed up your life - this is mn where people don't hold back!

I wonder where I've gone so wrong, too, when I see people posting about their massive salaries and nice homes. I don't have either.

You have achieved so much and you've done it all on your own - that's amazing. Now you have the space & time to heal, acknowledge the harm that's been done to you and the wounds it's left you with. Stop beating yourself up op.

StillNoSense · 09/05/2024 10:11

Pineapples1234 · 09/05/2024 02:05

You've tracked down a lot of people. Do you think this is normal behaviour?

I know that might sound judgemental but I don't mean it to be. I'm asking because I don't know the answer! I find it creepy and it's not something I'd ever do, but that doesn't mean it isn't normal behaviour. I'm curious about it because I had a friend who did more than you did, she stalked someone. Apart from the stalking I'd have said she was an ordinary person.

If you happen to want a career change maybe you should be an heir hunter tracing people's relatives or a private investigator.

@Pineapples1234 I have done genealogy for myself and friends and am good at tracking people down. I found my friend's birth family. I really enjoy that sort of thing as I have a natural curiosity.

I don't stalk people as such I'm not Martha from Baby Reindeer! I found the athlete and the band guy that way because well how else was I supposed to meet them? (That was my rationalisation at the time). If I fancied Pete at the corner shop, then I would just go in and buy lots of stuff from the corner shop so I could see him. That reminds me.

When I was 14 there were some workmen at my school and I fell for one of them. He was probably 17 or 18, and they continued working through the school holidays. I knew he did go to the corner shop for his lunchtime sandwiches so I jumped at the chance for my mum to send me for milk and bread etc so I could stare at him. I never dared say anything and I thought I was rubbish because he never asked me out!

OP posts:
Overtheatlantic · 09/05/2024 10:14

I don’t know, I think you sound kind of wonderful. 💐

StillNoSense · 09/05/2024 10:21

@Oversharingnamechanged 💐flowers back to you!

When did your extreme behaviour start?
When I was a little girl. I got crushes on weird people, dead people like Mozart and Lord Byron (I read extensively) as well as ordinary boys at school and the usual pop stars. I know it wasn't normal so I never told anyone. I once pretended my birthday was the same day as the lad's I fancied, how weird is that! He was furious!

Are you aware lots of ND women especially are excellent at sleuthing but also have a tendency to hyperfocus and it can become stalkery? Even excessively checking social media etc
I am, but I'd never applied to myself. Until now.

Do you think, with hindsight growing up when things didn't make sense to your little nd brain that you were made to feel stupid from very young? Apparently adhd children receive over 20,000 pieces of more of negative feedback that NT kids do.
YES! I was ridiculed at home by parents, aunts and older brother, he was 15 years older than me. Always teased, and then bullied by my father so the behaviour was confusing. I was smart at school but then downplayed it because I got called a swot and wanted to fit in. I got bullied at school and by kids living nearby.

What's the plan moving forward?
I am waiting for therapy but it is going to cost me a lot because of the time it will take to talk about all this!

OP posts:
KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop · 09/05/2024 11:32

@StillNoSense please tell me 3 things about yourself that you think are good qualities or are proud of (however silly or insignificant you think they are)

StillNoSense · 09/05/2024 12:16

KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop · 09/05/2024 11:32

@StillNoSense please tell me 3 things about yourself that you think are good qualities or are proud of (however silly or insignificant you think they are)

@KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop Firstly I'm naturally curious. This has got me into a lot of trouble but also been a good thing in many ways.

Secondly graduated with a 2:1 degree whilst paying for it myself living with a financially incontinent husband, coping with my mother's terminal illness, house burglary, redundancies, husband cheating and walking out for the OW whilst gaslighting me about it and running a 4 bedroom detached house on temping NMW.

Thirdly I'm good with animals.

OP posts:
StillNoSense · 09/05/2024 12:19

Picklesjar20 · 09/05/2024 04:12

Tbf i don't think youve done badly..

You had a bad upbringing, but despite that you have put yourself through university, got a good career as a teacher in computer science and a mortgage/property...

I dunno with that part your doing a lot better then quite a few people..

So debts can be remedied, relationships and interactions improved with therapy. Your over halfway there to what you say you want out of life..

Look deep enough into others history and personal life, you will find along the way we have all had a moment of shoddy decisions or a shitty man.

Phrase your life differently and you have a completely different spin on it..

If i went on a negative tangent about my life and cut out the achievements and my growth i would sound way shoddier 😂😂

@Picklesjar20 Phrase your life differently and you have a completely different spin on it.

I've thought about that but it feels like I am gaslighting myself and others and not taking responsibility. Once I wrote all my romantic history out. I bought Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood and it was a task in there, I went into a lot of detail. When I had to confess to my partner (the married man who had left his wife and kids for me and bought a house) that I'd got pregnant by someone else (who I didn't want to be with) and he left me and was clearing out the garage, he found it and waved it in my face telling me I was filthy and no good and a lunatic.

OP posts:
StillNoSense · 09/05/2024 12:40

The list I mentioned comprised:

first 'boyfriend' and sets of dates
the boyband member
fiance from age 17-19
boys I flirted with and dated as I felt fiance wasn't right
serial short relationships with unsuitable men who treated me badly
XH
men I had dalliances (not sex) with to try & escape XH
band aid men after that
having a crush on my hairdressers and the Olympic guy

OP posts:
MsLuxLisbon · 09/05/2024 17:47

Brexile · 08/05/2024 19:56

Thanks for your reply OP! I still really admire how enterprising you were in tracking down and meeting these celebrities. One of my (relatively minor) life regrets is not having the gumption to reach out to people I admired, mostly long dead now. Obviously getting rejected is kind of an occupational hazard and I don't doubt that it hurt when the sportsman blocked you, but it's still probably better IMO to regret the outcome of the things you dared to do, rather than the things you didn't dare to do!

It's probably not too late to un-stuff up your life if you're serious about it, either. Early 50s isn't that ancient if you're relatively healthy.

I feel bad for the OP, but it isn't 'enterprising' to chase celebrities, it is downright foolish.

spritebottle · 09/05/2024 20:13

MsLuxLisbon · 09/05/2024 17:47

I feel bad for the OP, but it isn't 'enterprising' to chase celebrities, it is downright foolish.

I think not everyone has the tenacity, shamelessness and resourcefulness to achieve that goal, so those skills could usefully be applied to something like investigative journalism or entrepreneurship sales... But that's assuming it works after you take out the unhinged motive haha

StillNoSense · 10/05/2024 09:48

@MsLuxLisbon @spritebottle I'm aware that what I did was foolish, and I've already felt I've grown up being unhinged. I've been told I am by my father and at least two partners. Otherwise I would have posted something about Aren't I Cool, not I've Stuffed Up My Whole Life.

OP posts:
MsLuxLisbon · 10/05/2024 11:00

StillNoSense · 10/05/2024 09:48

@MsLuxLisbon @spritebottle I'm aware that what I did was foolish, and I've already felt I've grown up being unhinged. I've been told I am by my father and at least two partners. Otherwise I would have posted something about Aren't I Cool, not I've Stuffed Up My Whole Life.

I meant no disrespect to you at all, we've all done daft things in life and you are refreshingly self aware. My comment was directed more at the person who said that chasing celebrities was a good idea. I'm sure you don't need telling that it wasn't.

StillNoSense · 10/05/2024 11:52

MsLuxLisbon · 10/05/2024 11:00

I meant no disrespect to you at all, we've all done daft things in life and you are refreshingly self aware. My comment was directed more at the person who said that chasing celebrities was a good idea. I'm sure you don't need telling that it wasn't.

I think they said it took some bottle to do that (paraphrasing here) and it's true, but once hyperfocused I could do it. I was a teenager the first time and it all ended in tears as you would imagine. I used to go to the local library where they had telephone directories for the whole country and get contact details that way for some. Nuts isn't it? When I fancied the Olympic man I went into WH Smiths and found magazines with info in there and pieced things together.

Later on when I decided the Law of Attraction was going to work (yes I know ...) and we would be together (nuts yes) I found references to him online, discovered he was going to be in a race and turned up at that. Afterwards there was a cafe and he was in there with some other guys and I approached him to start chatting. I said I was sure I remembered him from X training ground back in the day, which was true, and he said he'd seen me looking at him before it set off and wondered if I knew him. He blocked me when I followed up the meeting. I felt very stupid.

I drew a big line under all this when I started conversing with an ex (well he wasn't even that really) and he did the same again as back in time but worse and then all the pieces started to fall into place. I'd been a stupid people pleaser. Then I started to try and think why, but then you go down the rabbit hole and I began thinking of all the time I'd wasted. All the money, all the emotion, all the other opportunities that would have been better, had been squandered.

OP posts:
spritebottle · 10/05/2024 15:42

StillNoSense · 10/05/2024 09:48

@MsLuxLisbon @spritebottle I'm aware that what I did was foolish, and I've already felt I've grown up being unhinged. I've been told I am by my father and at least two partners. Otherwise I would have posted something about Aren't I Cool, not I've Stuffed Up My Whole Life.

I wasn't at all shitting on you... Quite the opposite. I was saying these are useful traits, if nurtured or channelled the right way!

I have ADHD and a lot of my traits – eg hyperfocus, thriving on pressure, etc – can propel me to heaven (immense success) or hell (dysfunction) depending on how they're channelled / the structure and environment.

HelloDenise · 11/05/2024 05:40

StillNoSense · 10/05/2024 11:52

I think they said it took some bottle to do that (paraphrasing here) and it's true, but once hyperfocused I could do it. I was a teenager the first time and it all ended in tears as you would imagine. I used to go to the local library where they had telephone directories for the whole country and get contact details that way for some. Nuts isn't it? When I fancied the Olympic man I went into WH Smiths and found magazines with info in there and pieced things together.

Later on when I decided the Law of Attraction was going to work (yes I know ...) and we would be together (nuts yes) I found references to him online, discovered he was going to be in a race and turned up at that. Afterwards there was a cafe and he was in there with some other guys and I approached him to start chatting. I said I was sure I remembered him from X training ground back in the day, which was true, and he said he'd seen me looking at him before it set off and wondered if I knew him. He blocked me when I followed up the meeting. I felt very stupid.

I drew a big line under all this when I started conversing with an ex (well he wasn't even that really) and he did the same again as back in time but worse and then all the pieces started to fall into place. I'd been a stupid people pleaser. Then I started to try and think why, but then you go down the rabbit hole and I began thinking of all the time I'd wasted. All the money, all the emotion, all the other opportunities that would have been better, had been squandered.

Who was it? Greg Rutherford? Roger Black? Mo Farah?

StillNoSense · 13/05/2024 10:46

@HelloDenise I'm not naming any names because I don't think it would be fair.

OP posts:
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