I HAVE TOTALLY STUFFED UP MY LIFE

[StillNoSense]

Terrible background and growing up
No confidence in own abilities
Thought I’d never get a boyfriend
Bullied at school
Thought I was ugly
Tried to start relationships with sports stars and actors
Abused by a boy band member though I walked right into it
Married someone within weeks though I knew there were red flags but someone wanted me so I jumped
Wasn’t happy and tried to escape and had a few chaste dates with another man, husband found out and beat me up and never let me forget my misdemeanours
Looked for a knight in shining armour to get me out
Constantly in debt but on the way out of it
Snakes and ladders with houses because of picking wrong men and careers through picking wrong jobs
Upset when others get on in career
Started relationship with married man went on for years knew it was wrong but felt guilty ending it
Slept with someone because I felt guilty and sorry for him and got pregnant and terminated it
Married man left me because I was a cheat and then policed me
Fell in love with one of my students and made an idiot of myself
Spent loads of money on psychics
I’m a total STUFF UP

Ask me anything about it!

@DoreenonTill8 I thought we might be able to meet for a drink or something. I saw sense later on. I said I feel ashamed.

It wasn't a pupil at school. It was a student aged 20 at the time in a FE college. He was on a gap year and was no longer a student but I had taught him for the previous two years. I'm not asking for sympathy.

I was big into reading Law of Attraction material at this time and convinced myself it was fate.

What lovely advice and imagery!

I just cringe at the time and money I have thrown away.

Thanks for your reply OP! I still really admire how enterprising you were in tracking down and meeting these celebrities. One of my (relatively minor) life regrets is not having the gumption to reach out to people I admired, mostly long dead now. Obviously getting rejected is kind of an occupational hazard and I don't doubt that it hurt when the sportsman blocked you, but it's still probably better IMO to regret the outcome of the things you dared to do, rather than the things you didn't dare to do!

It's probably not too late to un-stuff up your life if you're serious about it, either. Early 50s isn't that ancient if you're relatively healthy.

There are very few people in mid life who couldn't have written that sentence!

To be fair, a lot of it is….

Terrible background and growing up*
*
The key to all of this is right here. It's hard to lead a happy and uncomplicated life when you had a difficult childhood. Find a trauma trained therapist.

@AltheaVestr1t It was not a happy experience.

It's fascinating to see how people respond to this. I would like to see what the replies would be to a man.

Really interesting how you fixated on men/boys and pursued them despite it not always working out. Have you considered writing romantic fiction or "smut" as the kids are calling it these days? There's a lot of activity on Reddit!

@Livelovebehappy I've always known it is my fault, I was the one choosing these things

@SlashBeef In what way do you think a man would get different answers?

@MrsElsa I have written poems about men I have known, two have been published in an anthology, but they are not identified.

You need counselling - book this tomorrow. You won’t look back. The spiral can end op.

I did wonder whether there may be some ND traits in there too. I wondered whether your focus on men and relationships are somehow tied into your sense of value or worth - that you can only feel that you have value when someone actively wants you, leading you to make some poor decisions. I know this wasn’t the point of the AMA, but you ought to step back and recognise that you do have value, and don’t need to try and find that through sex. You don’t need to carry all the emotional baggage along with you - time for a fresh start, as a pp has suggested

I don’t have a question but I just want to say, it sounds like you’re turning things around. You recognise and take accountability for past behaviours. You’re choosing to do differently. Good on you! It takes courage to do that.

I can relate to some of this. I have adhd. Have you looked in the practice of self compassion?
Kirsten meff phd and Chris germer phd have a really good work book. I didthe exercises one chap a week a few yearsback. It really helped me.

Do you want to have a kinder inner voice? Or do you feel like that,'d be going too easy on yourself?

X

I think fixating òn people you cant have, tts a symptom of a wound. Anna runkle the crappy childhood fairy has severalvideos

Oh sweetheart. You're not alone. Have you got true friends who can give good advice?

What have you done that you are proud of ?

(and Don't say nothing, everyone has something no matter how small)

@Polishedshoesalways I am on a waiting list.

It doesn't seem that you've messed up your life at all (unless there's more...?).

You have a career, intelligence and drive (which has perhaps been misplaced).

You appear to have been overly concerned with men/relationships in the past but now regret that (?) This sounds like it may be connected to past traumatic experiences (?). Nothing to regret exactly but I understand why you might feel that you made poor choices. Surely, though, this was long in the past and should be left there.

Worth focusing on with your new life, settled, and unconnected to relationships; it isn't ruined. I agree that counselling is likely to help. Also I think Dr's would help as you seem anxious about all of this. I hope things look up for you.

@Stoufer I have recognised that. I think. I ended the relationship with the married man. This ran alongside the thing with the student. After that though and the disaster with the athlete, the ex from the past online it was like a shutter went down in my head. I haven't had sex for years and I don't want it now. What you have recognised and I think I do is that being with famous men would make me feel worth something. Silly isn't it?

Thank you @DustyFire

@Lucy Long Socks I have some very good friends but they don't know about all of this. Some know bits, like those who were friends with me when I was married. I hid the married man from them until we bought a house together. Some know some of it, some know nothing.