I HAVE TOTALLY STUFFED UP MY LIFE

[StillNoSense]

Terrible background and growing up
No confidence in own abilities
Thought I’d never get a boyfriend
Bullied at school
Thought I was ugly
Tried to start relationships with sports stars and actors
Abused by a boy band member though I walked right into it
Married someone within weeks though I knew there were red flags but someone wanted me so I jumped
Wasn’t happy and tried to escape and had a few chaste dates with another man, husband found out and beat me up and never let me forget my misdemeanours
Looked for a knight in shining armour to get me out
Constantly in debt but on the way out of it
Snakes and ladders with houses because of picking wrong men and careers through picking wrong jobs
Upset when others get on in career
Started relationship with married man went on for years knew it was wrong but felt guilty ending it
Slept with someone because I felt guilty and sorry for him and got pregnant and terminated it
Married man left me because I was a cheat and then policed me
Fell in love with one of my students and made an idiot of myself
Spent loads of money on psychics
I’m a total STUFF UP

Ask me anything about it!

I will look those up @0wlQueen thank you.

@DirtyCheeseBurger I bought my own house after the fiascos with men and shared mortgages and have paid off the mortgage, so I own it mortgage-free, but it is minute, so small and I won't be able to move out of it. I put myself through university at 30 and did a degree and a teaching qualification. Before that I had faffed around in low paid admin work not thinking I could do better. I still feel I have missed out.

I compare myself to others of a similar age who have paid off mortgages, have larger houses and better lives, and all those on here who write about their six figure salaries and feel like dog muck.

Yes, when I said I don't think any of it is your fault @StillNoSense I meant that what you had written triggered some things in my head and I wondered if a lot of this was due to potential BPD/ND/past trauma? Should have stated this but wasn't sure if I should.

There's a lot of focus on men/boyfriends/husbands. Do you feel that's the most important thing in your existence? Is there any reason why, such as your parents' relationship growing up, or you feeling either emotionally or financially/practically incapable of handling life on your own? (Genuine q – not trying to be rude)

I think few people are happy all alone but at the same time people also tend to focus on other things like career, self development, friendships, etc.

OP, you are doing so well to be brave enough to ask for help through therapy and to be able to acknowledge choices you have made you regret. History is not destiny, the rest of your life does not have to be a screw up because of your challenging start and subsequent choices - you have made the first steps and learning to accept yourself will yield such benefits for you. Best of luck to you.

@schoolsoutforever It's the shame of it all I think, my childhood, devoid of role models. Getting married fast because the guy's ex wanted him back and I wanted to hang on and not be on the shelf. Knowing what I know now she could have had him with bells on. Choosing a termination. It was right for me but my then partner called me a killer. My aunt disowned me because she had never been able to carry a child to term and was ashamed of me. Taking off with another woman's husband, is a disgraceful thing to do.

Honestly a miserable up ringing will damage you in ways in which people from good enough homes don’t always get.

You sound like you are trying OP, keep plugging away 💐 therapy will definitely help. If you can consider just paying for it rather than waiting.

@spritebottle No that men, boyfriends and husbands thinking is anathema to me NOW. But I did think it in the past for quite a long time and that led me down these paths and rabbit holes. My mother didn't work except to do cleaning work when I was a teenager. My father was erratic at going to work and there was never money for anything. He was a bully. My ex husband said that I could never manage without him and I did think for a while he was right and that kept me from ending the marriage.

These ways of thinking robbed me of developing a career at a younger age, of travel, of genuine friendships and self development as you say because it was focused on relationships.

You genuinely thought you were ugly but went after footballers etc . How did that cone about?

@RedHelenB Christ knows. Maybe trying to prove that I wasn't really ugly. I had that said to me by school bullies. My mum and grandma thought I was attractive, so did the next door neighbours (women).

I think a lot of the shame has come from other people projecting their shit on to you. You have a social vulnerability/naivety that certain people identify and take advantage of, why I also think you need to go easy on yourself.

@Atethehalloweenchocs Thank you!

I notice you talk about low self esteem but then said you went on to chase actors and sports stars.

In what way? I mean did you actually insert yourself into their lives? Or was it more like a sort of limerant fantasy?

If it was the former, I'm curious, was it a case of actually knowing you were good looking on some level but just not being able to feel it? Or did you chase these high level men because you thought if people like them liked you, you would FEEL your worth?

I just find the whole study of people who fall for/chase celebs really interesting. Can you talk more about it?

That asside, as tough as your life has been. It's certainly not been boring. And I bet you've learned lots from your choices.

@StillNoSense sorry you are feeling like this. Be kind to yourself and look for small positives in your life. Sending you good vibes.

@FiatEarth great advice.

Please post the video again. It doesn’t play.

I think you sound like an empathetic person who judges themselves too harshly. I had a terrible childhood and picked bad relationships too - a huge eye opener for me was reading about the co dependent narcissist magnet trap. It explained and validated my emotions. I would really recommend it. Sending you a big hug.

Thanks for answering! Oh so do you feel it was a gender roles thing (women can't survive without men)?

I actually had my own codependency issues (not on men/the opposite gender though) a lot of my life – and if it makes you feel any better, since you referenced your background, I think such issues are also very common in people from privileged boarding school backgrounds and can stunt their life in many ways too – so I guess I'm interested in fixations/dependency on other people in general.

I think it's no different from, say, the ugly and unpopular social climbing teen/adult who tries to get in with the popular pretty/rich/shiny crowd. Whether in school or adulthood.

It's not that they think they're on the same level, and they may also be aware the popular people don't actually value them and may treat them badly.

But

1. they're hoping a bit of the charm from the shiny people will rub off on them, and others in general (outside the popular crowd) will see them in a more desirable light, or
2. they want to be seen as desirable by the shiny people themselves

The above is extreme but I feel like at some point in our life, maybe as teens, most of us have tried to impress or hang out with the popular crowd!

@PinkbonbonOr did you chase these high level men because you thought if people like them liked you, you would FEEL your worth?

This is exactly why I did it yes. It appals me now. @imgoodthanks has nailed it. I amaze myself at having the audacity and the means to engineer these meetings when underneath I thought I was worthless. Of course when the married boyband member ultimately rejected me, and the athlete, it was because I was rubbish, wasn't it? It confirmed it for me.

There was limerent fantasy around, too. Certainly with the student. I also fixated on men at work whilst I was married, I thought I needed a rescuer to take me away from my husband. After being married about a year and being bullied I began a relationship with a colleague who was a bit younger than me. It wasn't sexual but I fancied him a lot. His parents found out and went nuts. He was 21. He wrote me a letter ending it. My husband found out. He beat me up and marched into my workplace and the other man was transferred elsewhere. He's happily married now and fine.

I have lost count of the men I had crushes on and one of them complained which was mortifying for me. Thank goodness he left not long after that and it blew over.

I wouldn't go near any celebrity now. Celebrity was different then and people were famous for different reasons. It was before all the reality shows and influencers and things like that.

You cant change the past but you can have a better future just remember to not make the same mistakes.

OP - THIS !! a lot of us have a life we regret. x

I don't know anyone else who's done sillier things than I have.

I have lost count of the men I had crushes on and one of them complained which was mortifying for me.

Someone mentioned borderline personality disorder, which I think is unlikely but it might interest you to know that many women have been misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder when in fact they have undiagnosed autism. You mentioned that you have adhd and I'm wondering if it's worth pursuing an autism assessment too...Things like the line I've quoted above suggest you may not always be great at reading social rules. Like adhd, autism presents quite differently in women and women with autism are vulnerable in relationships.

What myself & others have noticed is that you've continually underplayed how vulnerable have been through your life and how others have preyed upon this.

You sound intelligent, reflective and sensitive. The important thing is you’ve moved on from your poor choices. You sound successful and functional. You have a house and a career. You’re doing your best to live in a different way. Give yourself credit for having the insight and self knowledge to change.

@KikiShaLeeBopDeBopBop I have been told how stupid I am. Ex husband, father, some bosses in early roles. The married man I was with who bought me an engagement ring. Never forgave me for ruining the relationship. Two friends who knew the whole story of the married man and the other man have said how ridiculous I have been.