AMA Income over £500k

[AMAIncomeRelated]

Following the thread on the disadvantages of earning just over £50k, it got me thinking that if some people think that is a huge amount to earn, what do they think of my life.

We live in North London. Husband earns a lot, over £500k most years. We live in a big house, with a huge mortgage, 3 children at private school, 3 dogs, own a ski chalet which is let out as well as for our use. I don't work, I did try a part time job 5 years ago and whilst I loved it, it cause too much stress at home because my husband is used to me doing everything.

We obviously live very comfortably, but also there are lots of things we'd like to do but can't afford the big projects at the moment. My husbands job is very stressful.

AMA. I am absolutely not gloating, I know only too well how fortunate we are.

I don't think you're baffled really.
I think you're enjoying feeling superior.

BasilMandarin Either you have a very limited capacity for imagining lives that are not your own, or you are being disingenuous, and unnecessarily unkind.

I work, not full time though. I work school hours, four days, in a profession I love. I outsource housekeeping, gardening etc. but there’s plenty I can’t and don’t want to outsource. DH does loads, but I reckon he’d find it pretty hard to keep the household ‘calm and organised’ from Atlanta, which is where he flew out to yesterday, or from the three hour firmwide Executive Unit meeting that he attends from 6-9 every Tuesday. It’s really hard to take the dog the vet, attend DS’s IEP review and arrange an Aga service from Atlanta. So, I work less and do more of that stuff.

Working full time and raising kids is really hard work, and I admire anyone who can do it well, while staying calm and happy. I know that I couldn’t. I don’t know about the OP, but given we have the choice, I’d rather take family life at a calmer pace.

Basilandmandarin

She wants her children to have a better day to day lifestyle than wraparound care. You aren’t even simply envious, you’re jealous. It’s an ugly personality trait.

I am inclined to agree with you on this one. Which is a shame as generally even posters who asked a difficult question of the OP have done so with respect and curiosity.

Superior how?

Im genuinely struggling to see how the OP’s husband would be unable to keep his home “calm and organised” if the OP wasn’t there. It’s a genuine question.

It was the comment that staying home allowed her husband to have the career as she kept the house.

My point was you dont NEED to do that, as it can be outsourced.

No need to be such a bellend, I made no comment on her CHOICE to stay home, rather than pretending it somehow allowed her husband to work.

Jealous of what? 😂😂

All am I saying is that I find it difficult to understand how the OP’s husband couldn’t keep his home “calm and organised” by OP not being there. That’s it 😂

To be fair, I stopped working just over 6 months ago and our home is so much more organised and relaxed as a result.

Having a stay at home mum with a degree in Chemistry from Oxford is like having an on call tutor 24/7. So the kids are surrounded by someone really intelligent at all times. The same intelligence probably guides the husband and keeps him calm and able to perform. Investment management is very stressful and you need to make good calls at all times. You can’t rush off to pick up your DC from after school care at 5.30pm. The OP has probably also created a lot of value in her property choices.
Lots of successful professional couples are in exactly this position - either one goes all out and makes a bucket or both get stuck on 150k doing child duties and don’t have time to manage their investments. So they make a joint decision like this. Most of the partners in my law firms have stay at home wives or husbands for this reason. If you are married and on the deeds, of course you get 50 per cent of value created during the marriage.

Oh, do leave off.

It’s to do with the pretty basic rule of physics, that a person is not able to be in two places at once.

Do you really imagine OP’s DH clocks off at 5.30 and is home for tea and Countdown by 6?

I think what a few people have said is that on that salary, you pay people to do much of the grunt work at home, rather than the husband coming home to do it.

Its not a criticism of OP choosing to stay home, more that she said that the house would fall apart if she didnt, which isnt true. On those salaries, you pay to keep the house going.

I’ve a lot of responsibility at work and DH does too in the same area as OP’s DH although not earning as much. We had no childcare not that long ago, no education fees nor anywhere near that mortgage so actually probably not too different in terms of disposable income. Sure, we had a cleaner and used the dry cleaner but they didn’t do our shopping, pay the bills and do the life admin, make dinner, put our laundry away etc etc - you get the picture. I’ve stepped back now from a more senior position but we were both working ridiculous hours pre kids. So I’m really not confused by what OP is saying. Without children even, our home life was nothing short of absolute chaos. We lived to work. God know what it’d be like if I was in the same role with kids. I would have burnt out. OP’s husband earns very well it is indisputable but it’s not quite private chefs and drivers territory after the mortgage and school fees.

Isn't it their right, as a family, to believe that her staying at home enabled his career?

They can believe it as much as they want.

Theres absolutely nothing wrong with saying 'I stayed home because I wanted to, I didnt want to put my children in childcare too early or wraparound care, I like taking care of the house.' Totally valid, totally fair, as long as she isnt then financially vulnerable.

On that salary, pretending you doing that enabled your husband to work isn't true, as you have financial freedom to outsource as much help as you need.

If her husband was on £50K I would believe it, but not £500K.

A super high salary means that many of lifes normal stressors do not apply to them.

My boss for example, he and his wife never have to come home and worry about what food needs throwing out of the fridge, or if the laundry is piling up. They dont have to worry about running for a last train with the rest of the public and the noise. They dont have to worry about trying to find a GP appointment or a waitlist that impacts their health as they have their top of the range private health insurance paid for. They never need to do the late night run for school lunch supplies to Tesco. All the little stressors that add to life. You cant do that on top of a job where you work 12-14 hours a day.

There is absolutely a middle area where people do the long hours on less salary where it would certainly make sense to have one adult at home to deal with all that household crap because money doesnt quite stretch to having all of those needs covered.

A 500K salary with someone at home isnt about meeting needs, its about choosing to do so, which is also fine as long as its agreed by both parties.

BlueMonday1977 I’m well aware that people say that on threads like this.

Unlike OP, we employ a housekeeper and gardener. Yes, that lights the load. What I cannot and do not wish to employ is someone to attend my son’s IEP meetings and help him with his school work, someone to attend parents evenings, school events and sixth form open days, someone to oversee and support exam revision, someone to provide a good meal, someone to communicate with any number of music teachers, speech therapists and golf coaches, someone to help DD organise her engineering work experience, someone to read to them at night, someone just to to sit at the kitchen table and hear how the kids’ days have been, to chat with them about the news and school, someone to take our dog to the vet (I have come home to a Labrador with a big limp this afternoon) I’m their mum (especially the Labrador’s, she’s my favourite) and I want a parent to be about to do those things.

It’s really not about grunt work. You simply cannot outsource very many of the jobs parents do, if they want to do a decent job of raising their kids.

I'm a bit surprised by the comments regarding the OP's family salary lifting them out of real life. This is just not true. Very few in London with a decent house and 3 private school fees to pay have "staff" so if one of the kids remembers that they need flour and lemons for pancakes at 9pm, then a parent is going to Tesco Metro like everyone else. The land of staff is usually foreign money and definitely not earned income.
Ditto driving the kids to football matches on a Sunday morning or hospital appointments - you can't outsource those things.

I think its pretty obvious that any high salary doesn't lift you out of parental responsibilities or stress completely?

It is clear to see OP is an intelligent woman. She is rising above all of the gutter comments.

This thread has been hijacked into a bun fight of batshittery.

People, rightly so, can live as they choose to you know? They don't have to prove their eco, charitable or personal values to anybody to be deserving of a certain income.

The world aint fair, but an hour spent focused on your own life choices is better than a lifetime spent judging somebody elses.

That last line is excellent advice.

Mine was even in the trenches of maternity leave! And I took my baby to all the classes I could before anyone says I should have been spending time with them…

Do you have a partner that is out of the house from 5am-sometimes until 9pm sometimes 7 days a week.

My husband earns a huge amount, more than OPs. I reduced my hours and I am now giving up work, I supported him when he was setting up his business. His earner potential meant that he would bring in more than me.

We are a partnership and when the kids needed picking up from school, dropped to matches, were ill, he could not do it.

Unlike the OP, I have a cleaner as I am not going to be at home stressed about doing housework when he earns more than enough to pay for someone full time.

We are a partnership and it works for us.

No but many of the activities above are a luxury to begin with that many parents, working, cleaning etc have to do without.

You said yourself you have a housekeeper and a gardener. You then listed the jobs of a parent. I think it’s important to remember that no you can’t outsource those if you want to be a present parent but not having to worry about the other aspects of running a house, maintain a garden, worrying about finances, makes the necessary parts of parenting more manageable. I work with someone who works opposite shifts to her partner, I know they haven’t got a lot of money, all cooking, cleaning etc will be done by them. There are few luxuries. They also take them to a (cheap) club, swimming lessons, parents evenings etc, do their homework etc. Money and the advantages it brings, makes life a lot easier.

@LaChienneDesFromages "It’s really hard to take the dog the vet, attend DS’s IEP review and arrange an Aga service from Atlanta."

To be fair, you could arrange an Aga service from Atlanta. I bet lots of women who travel internationally for work arrange all sorts of domestic events, fitting it in between meetings, waiting at airports etc.

I do take your wider point though that there are some things you can't outsource easily but if you can afford for your children to be boarders, you pay for others to deal with homework, music lessons, after school sports etc.

but if you can afford for your children to be boarders, you pay for others to deal with homework, music lessons, after school sports etc

The OP has said that she doesn't want to pay others to do what she wants and prefers to do herself.

I would never choose to work fulltime over spending time with my children.

I know children in my kid's school who are dropped off at 7.30pm and picked up at 6.30pm. What a miserable existence for children if one of their own parents can and wants to give a better day to day life to their children.