My Mum was a drug addict AMA

[Yasai]

Long time lurker. Inspired by articles I seem to read regularly these days suggesting that “middle class” drug use is a worsening problem.

My Mum died a few years ago. She was an addict (primarily cocaine but regular heroin use) my entire life and was a heavy user prior to my arrival.

My late sibling and I were raised by our elderly grandparents (69 and 74) from birth. We attended boarding schools from 6 which largely concealed the problem.

Mum used heavily throughout her chaotic life. Due to our ‘privilege’, her habit was often treated as ‘the elephant in the room’.

AMA.

How do you feel about the boarding school? Was it a welcome relief or did you feel even more detached.

Did you feel any connection with your mum?

how did your Mum operate day today? Did she have a job? Who was facilitating her drug use?

What led to your mum becoming an addict?

How do you feel about your mother now?

Were social services ever involved and the ones who placed you in the care of your grandparents, or was it an informal arrangement?

What has the long term impact of your mum's drug use been on you?

Have you/do you take drugs?

I am following with interest. I don't want to hijack your thread but I have a sister who's an addict, also coke. She has two boys now young adults.

How old were you when you found out about your mother?

Have your father ever been in your life?

Has, not have!

Where's your dad?

It was quite normal to board. I don’t remember being particularly anxious about it. I liked school and dreaded the holidays when I’d grown up and stayed at Mums (from about aged 11 onwards). Granny died when I was 8 and my grandfather died when I was 13. My sister was 7 years older and always in ‘the next life stage’ so I stayed with her at her place during holidays from about age 15.

I felt differently about Mum throughout my childhood. When I was small (until about age 8) she was a bit of a magical unicorn. We didn’t see her but sometimes she’d attend weddings and occasions. Shed breeze in and I thought she was the most glamourous thing I’d ever seen. I was very starry eyed about her. I remember the rush of excitement/adrenaline when I saw her and I don’t think I’ve ever replicated that since. It’s hard to describe. When I got older and spent holidays with her I realised she was quite terrifying and unpredictable. Her problem was that she hated being a parent.

As I mentioned in my OP, I think people would be very surprised to know just how this can slip under the radar in more ‘affluent’ circles. My Mum was extremely glamorous and lived a good life. She worked (I won’t say what she did because this is already quite outing if someone I know happens to read. Not famous, I might add!) but ultimately she inherited a house from her grandparents and my sister was the product of an affair with a man who I believe ‘paid her off’ to keep quiet. It’s ludicrous written down but she was never short of resource to be able to facilitate her habit. She had a great social life and mixed in affluent circles - they were birds of a feather. At school, it was common for kids to bring back a couple of grams of cocaine they’d stolen from home during the holidays. I think drug use in the upper-middle classes is much more common and accepted than people think.

I missed the main part of the question. I only spent holidays with her for a couple of years so in reality I’m only talking about a 2 /3 year period. Addicts are chaotic. I preferred when she did heroin because it was a ritual: she did it in her bedroom and she was out of action for 12-24 hours and I wouldn’t see her. On cocaine she was aggressive and wired. She often went out in the evenings though. Xmas was the worst because social events dried up between 24th to 30th Dec and she did not enjoy being alone in the house with us.
She functioned well as far as the outside world was concerned: she was very well presented and put on a good show. You had to live with her to observe the madness/reality.

Honestly, I believe she was a narcissist. Almost certainly had a personality disorder but I’m not qualified to diagnose. She hated being a parent.

who knows: I think she did it at school initially. She was what my grandparents and her brothers describe as “always difficult”. Highly strung and selfish. Her childhood was idyllic and my grandparents were extremely loving.

Sympathy OP. I’m not sure what “makes” these parents, but I have one too… albeit alcohol, not heroine/cocaine.

She died at 62 nearly 5 years ago. I’d never have thought in a million years that she’d make it to that age. I don’t feel anger towards her anymore. I deliberately arrived at a place where I told myself that no one would choose this life. I didnt find it difficult when she died but I wasn’t pleased either. Hard to articulate but no strength of feeling.

social services were never involved. I have no doubt that if we were a disadvantaged family they would have been. Ultimately it was deeply shameful and I think my grandparents did their best to brush it under the carpet. They did their best in very difficult circumstances.

long term impact: nothing too adverse actually. I’ve very fortunate to never have suffered from poor mental health.
I am happy to admit that I’m a textbook ‘avoidant’ attachment personality. I think this is due to her rejection of us rather than her drug abuse.

In my teens, yes. She always had large quantities of cocaine in the house and I used to steal a little. I only ever used it with friends. Did coke here and there at Uni and during my 20’s.

I’m 38 now and haven’t touched a drug since I was 30. I have a 3 year old and just the notion of taking drugs/bringing drugs into her home makes me feel ill. I also barely drink. Not consciously tee-total. I like a drink but tend to only do so if I’m out for dinner/see friends. I rarely have a drink if I’m home alone for example.

I've just read this, if your name begins with L and you went to boarding school in the south west of England in the nineties please get in touch.

Really sorry to hear that. I totally get it. People don’t realise how powerful the grip and effect is on the entire family.

My granny was actually very open about it. She said that “mummy makes silly choices”. My sister was 7 years older than me and she was very open about it. She told me that she could die one day and was quite blunt in the way kids are. It wasn’t a terrifying experience, she was an addict and she took drugs and that was that.

He separated from my Mum before I was born. I saw him here and there and I felt he was fond of me but he was a bit of a “Disney Dad”. He is quite ashamed now and has tried to strengthen our relationship but I needed him in lots of ways and feel he should have recognised that when it mattered. He claims that he “couldn’t get a look in” with my grandparents but I don’t believe this to be true.

hello. Same time period but no, I’m not who you’re thinking of. my name doesn’t begin with “L”.

Sorry you had to experience this too. Isn’t it bizarre? It’s such a unique lived experience and almost impossible to describe.

I just PM’d you on the off-chance actuallly, I’m curious now…

@Yasai thanks for the empathy. I’m sure we’d have so much to talk about irl. You’re so not alone. Sorry you went though this.

Your grandparents sound very sensible.

Addiction is a very sad illness for all those involved. My sister completely destroyed my family (it was dysfunctional as the best of times) manipulating and playing us off against each other, but she also blames everyone for being an addict saying it's because of my parents/ her ex/ us/ whoever she used.

What was your relationship like with you mum?

❤️ I’m sure we would. I don’t think our experiences would be particularly different.