My Mum was a drug addict AMA

[Yasai]

Long time lurker. Inspired by articles I seem to read regularly these days suggesting that “middle class” drug use is a worsening problem.

My Mum died a few years ago. She was an addict (primarily cocaine but regular heroin use) my entire life and was a heavy user prior to my arrival.

My late sibling and I were raised by our elderly grandparents (69 and 74) from birth. We attended boarding schools from 6 which largely concealed the problem.

Mum used heavily throughout her chaotic life. Due to our ‘privilege’, her habit was often treated as ‘the elephant in the room’.

AMA.

They really were - it’s natural and sympathetic to assume that the addiction is the result of something the addict couldn’t control and often the parents are blamed. It must have been something they did. It’s really cruel and in our case, couldn’t be further from the truth. She had the best everything - love, opportunity, you name it.

our relationship? We didn’t have one. She deeply resented us and I think she had children to feather her nest because she chose men that were able to facilitate this very well. She was aggressive physically but it was the verbal abuse that caused the damage. She only ever wanted to be using drugs/with friends. We were a huge inconvenience.

Do you think something could have happened to your mom to make her turn to drugs?.

My mom was a heroin addict. My first memory is of finding my father dead from an overdose. My childhood was horrendous and last year I needed some more therapy. My therapist would say that she must of had her own issues or a reason to start taking drugs. But actually I can't see that. Her own family were really normal and had close relationships with each other. Mind you they didn't even remotely try and help us children when we were taken into care so who knows. I don't know I suppose I was looking for a reason to excuse her behaviour. I'm rambling sorry lol x

That's sounds really awful Op, I'm so sorry you had to experience this.

If you lived with your grandparents and went to boarding school, when did you start 'spending time' with your mother? Was she always using or were there any periods she was clean?

You’re not rambling at all. I’m so sorry. It leaves you missing ‘something’ you can’t put your finger on. This isn’t something you can explain to people in real life.

like you, I don’t think anything happened to her. She didn’t particularly conceal her drug use. She definitely minimised it but she wasn’t particularly ashamed.

my opinion: heroin is probably fucking amazing. She liked doing it. She did have quite a unique ability to moderate it in a way that most don’t bug this wasn’t the case with cocaine. She had a good life and did what she wanted to do.

Thank you for your kind message.

I started living with her during holidays in my early teens because by this time my grandfather was very elderly and granny had died. I was very self sufficient by this point and didn’t require much care though. I knew how to use a washing machine, for example. We didn’t really ‘spend time’ together.

I doubt there was ever a time where she wasn’t using but I think it’s quite typical that they go through peaks and troughs in terms of the severity of the usage. That was my impression anyway. She was actually very health conscious - never ate processed food or ‘smoked’ anything. Very into skincare and regularly went to the gym. If you’ve met one addict, you’ve met one addict.

her addiction got progressively worse towards the end of her life. The last 5 years or so weren’t pleasant at all. It caught up with her and she had infections and heart problems. I was closest to her during this time because I couldn’t ever ‘cut the cord’ as it were because despite not deserving it, it’s hard to turn you back on them. Our relationship was the best it ever was but nothing had really changed and she definitely didn’t love me. But she needed me and had certainly mellowed.

Being children of addicts, whether that be alcohol or drugs, must be so horrible. I feel for all of you that have had to go through that! Every child deserves to grow up in a loving and happy household.

Well done to those of you that broke the cycle though!

I hear what you're saying.

I wonder if my sister's boys feel the same as you - unable to cut the cord. One is like her, sits smoking weed all day, living with her; the other has tried to move away to study, comes home for holidays.

I don't live in the same country as my family. The last time I saw my sister 2years ago even though she said she was clean, I thought she was still using. She was so irrational and kicked myself and my son out after 15mins. That was me done.

Are you close with your sister (I know she's 7yrs older). Do you talk about your mother?

It must be very difficult being in your position and looking in on the situation. I can only talk about my experience. You develop a very different kind of relationship with your sibling and my sister was very much my parent. She ‘paved the way’ as it were so I very much knew the ropes by the time I needed to live with her. Your nephews are probably the same. You go to the ends of the earth together. It’s ‘only children’ my heart goes out to, I don’t know how they do it. Your nephew probably returns home more regularly than he otherwise would for his brother. Kids of addicts have to ‘keep their eyes’ on the parent because you wouldn’t believe the scrapes they get into. My particular concern was that my mum drove everywhere. She didn’t need to because she lived in London but I was always worried she’d kill someone. Things like that. You also worry about them dying alone in the house and ending up on page 24 of the DM as the addict who rotted in her house and no one found her. Sorry if this is TMI and I am sensitive to your very difficult situation ❤️ but I suppose the point of this thread is to open peoples eyes to how nuanced and COMMON this is. I don’t think the British “stiff upper lip” helps us as a society, we need to learn to be more direct.

I didn’t emphasise this element of my life because I wanted to focus on the issue of addiction and not have it dissolve into a tragic story but my sister died at 27 (causes not related to addiction). That was the true trauma in my life. The point I’m making is that the addiction becomes so normalised. Family live operates around the addiction, not in spite of it.

sending love to you and your nephews. My advice would be to be very direct about it. Ask them about it, they’d probably love it. X

You asked if we talk about Mum. We did yes. We actually used to really laugh about it. There was a lot of trauma - the way she’d throw everything in sight in a rage, hurl insults at us etc etc. There is a LOT of dark humour shared between siblings. We had a very deep connection, it’s not possible to create this in a ‘normal’ family situation I don’t think.

Thank you so much. It's very comforting to speak to another person who has had a similar experience with addiction.

I am truly sorry to read you lost your sister too. I can only imagine the trauma this has caused you.

I don't know much about heroin but I suspect a gram of coke didn't go far with your mother. How did your mother fund her addiction?

Thank you ❤️

she benefitted from the enormous privilege of inheriting a substantial property when she was 22. She was always mortgage free. I suspect my grandparents never completely turned off the tap either. She never struggled to find her habit and also I’d comment that ‘birds of a feather flock together’, she had a wide circle of similarly feckless friends and people like this obviously prefer to have comrades.