I'm an Orthodox Jewish Woman, ask me anything.

[Jewishbookwork]

On the thread @Israelilefty started, people were asking about Orthodox Judaism. So I am starting (another) one here. Other Orthodox Jewish women are welcome to answer too, so we have more of a range of answers.

I am Chabad Chasidic, we are very religious - I wear a wig, my husband wears black and white and we have lots of books in hebrew in our house.

@Biscuitmonster2318
I'm so sorry about about the loss of your daughter.
I don't know enough about Christianity to be able to explain or excuse your experiences. There is meaning in all religions and I have heard of some beautiful Christian beliefs and practices.
The idea of not being able to question sounds traumatic. Perhaps there are others on here who know more about Christianity who can answer your questions.

men wear a kippa (skullcap)

I don't feel that women are regarded as less then as men in Judaism, we do have different roles though. So I am not required to attend synagogue or pray 3 times a day since women have childcare responibilities. (Of course, many women choose to pray if/when they have more time)

Most synagogues were designed many years ago, I do think that synagogues can be designed in better ways so that women are not relegated to the back.

Hi @Biscuitmonster2318

I am sorry you have been struggling. If your grandfather was a holocaust survivor there are organisations to help descendents of Holocaust survivors. Here is one I found by google. https://secondgeneration.org.uk/

A lot of the things you describe are probably more to do with him being a survivor. And a lot of the trauma ends up being passed down. So definitely seek help.

Yes, attraction is very important when dating and it is very much expected for love and romantic feelings to grow after marriage.

Hi Pinktea, there isn’t one general feeling, because it’s a political question not religious, so it isn’t something there is a general consensus on. (And even when it comes to religious issues there is often a lot of different viewpoints and debate between and within different orthodox communities).

Additionally, there isn’t one homogenous group of Orthodox Jews, there is a huge range of very different orthodox groups, in Israel and outside of Israel, eg Chabad, loads of different chasidic sects, yeshivish, mizrachi, dati leumi torani etc. and within these groups some people will be politically left, right, or centrist, even though the majority of some groups overall might lean more one way than the other.

Within different orthodox sects/communities, I’d expect people to have their own nuanced opinions and views. Eg you wouldn’t expect Protestants in the UK to have one view on Brexit.

Thank you @Jewishbookwork I remember I read that bit now, but was confused by it. So they use medication to delay ovulation? I remember reading a bit about the issues around surrogacy and it sounded very complex and challenging for everyone involved.

Thank you for starting this thread and answering so many questions including mine. It's been really educational for me. The current situation faced by the Jewish people is very sad and I hope more knowledge will lead to more acceptance and understanding in the future.

@PinkTeaForMe
I'm sure many are curious about the opinion of UK orthodox Jewry on Israel, so I'll try and explain.

All Jews feel a strong connection to Israel for two reasons.

• The land of Israel has religious and historical significance to Judaism. This dates back to biblical times when the Jewish people were indigenous to the land. Many significant biblical events relating to the Jewish people took place in Israel. Additionally, Israel is full of significant Jewish landmarks, buildings and graveyards. The very land of Israel is intrinsically tied with Judaism and will always be a holy land to the Jewish people. For those interested in the history: Although the Jews were birthed and ruled Israel in biblical times, after 586 BCE when the Babylonian Empire conquered it, many Jews were exiled and Jews were no longer safe in Israel. However many Jews remained to live in Israel under the rule of others. This was the situation for many years up until 1948 when Israel was once again under Jewish rule. According to the Torah, there will come a time when the Jewish Messiah arrives and Jews will be able to live in Israel uncontended. Until the Messiah comes, it is predicted that the Jewish people will be threatened by other nations and encounter antisemitism, which unfortunately is exactly what we see playing out in current event.

• The second reason we feel a strong connection to Israel is that since the Holocaust and the founding of Israel as a Jewish state, Jews around the world view Israel as their security in case of another event of extreme anti-Semitism. Since the Holocaust, Jews in the diaspora understand that a strong Israel is vital for our survival.

To answer the question about how Jews in the UK view the current conflict:
In short there are a wide range of opinions. The difference of opinions lies in whether we agree or disagree with the Israeli government and is purely a political debate. As with all politics there are right wing and left wing views.
However, the vast majority of orthodox Jews in the UK strongly believe Israel has a duty to defend itself and should take all measures to protect itself and its citizens. How far this goes, and the extent of damage in Gaza etc, is a political debate and opinions vary.

One fridge is fine. :) I don't know anyone who has two kitchens either except in commercial spaces.

Currently living in a house with one sink, no diswasher but would very much like to change that!

Lots of people might use a small toaster oven for dairy.

Why do you have to be so diligent about keeping meat and dairy apart that you can't even use the same washing up bowl? What's the reason?

Thank you for replying about the story - so you can confirm, it is a story from the Jewish tradition? Can you suggest where I might read more about it? Does the story have a name?

I'm happy to try to help out a bit with this.

@Biscuitmonster2318, I was raised Roman Catholic, left the church in my 20's and became an Episcopalian, which is the successor church to the Church of England in the US. It's a liberal, Protestant denomination. I left the Catholic Church because they are, in my opinion, a bunch of medieval misogynists who consider themselves above the law and incapable of error.

Catholics themselves do not agree on what happens to an unbaptized child who dies.

https://www.catholic.com/magazine/print-edition/let-the-children-come-to-me

Here are two excerpts:

An April 21 Associated Press article by Nicole Winfield quotes Fr. Richard McBrien (professor of theology at Notre Dame and noted dissenter) as saying, “If there’s no limbo and we’re not going to revert to St. Augustine’s teaching that unbaptized infants go to hell, we’re left with only one option, namely, that everyone is born in the state of grace . . . Baptism does not exist to wipe away the ‘stain’ of original sin, but to initiate one into the Church.” On the other end of the spectrum, Kenneth Wolfe, columnist for The Remnant, was quoted in Cooperman’s article as saying, “The Vatican is suggesting that salvation is possible without baptism. That is heresy.”

Our present Catechism makes no mention of limbo at all, but has this to say regarding infants who die without baptism:The Church can only entrust them to the mercy of God, as she does in her funeral rites for them. Indeed, the great mercy of God who desires that all men should be saved, and Jesus’ tenderness toward children which caused him to say: “Let the children come to me, do not hinder them,” allows us to hope that there is a way of salvation for children who have died without baptism. (CCC 1261)

Protestant teaching on this issue is that children are innocents who had no control over their baptism status and are received by God in heaven with joy and full acceptance. The New Testament has numerous statements by Jesus on his special care and love for children.

https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/bible-verses-about-jesus-with-children/

I direct you specifically to this:

Matthew 18 10
“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven."

So this is yet another case where the Catholic Church has simply ignored the words of Jesus to manipulate and guilt their members into complying with a church ritual. I am very sorry that you have been troubled by this awful teaching, and can assure you that your daughter is in God's love and care.

Thanks very much for this AMA.

I have Jewish heritage though my mother is not Jewish. None of my family members are orthodox, though, so this has been fascinating. I think if we could have more understanding of all other cultures we could all avoid much of the misunderstandings and negativity that can develop.

Friends have asked me why do Jewish people do kosher eating, as “it doesn’t seem to make sense in modern times”. At this point I have gently pointed out that Christianity requires faith in a virgin birth, but because that is familiar to dominant Christian culture in the UK the logic of this and Christmas celebrating that birth is never questioned, even by very secular people from a Christian background.

May I ask a question please: It's been explained about married women wearing wigs and I understand that and why /where etc.

My question is re your children - do your children see you without a wig ?

Thank you for a fascinating thread. There were some other AMA recently too that were really informative.

I've always wondered how orthodox Jewish couples TTC in the event of irregular menstrual cycles or early ovulation. Would the couple have to accept that they remain childfree or would they be allowed to break the non-contact period after a woman finishes her period?

Thank you so much for the new thread OP and thanks a lot for the tag @jewishorthomum !

In my line of work I've had to assist/support/defend some ultra Orthodox women. It is very important for me, that in order for me to help as much as possible that I need to be familiar/understand their cultural norms. This has proven VERY difficult as IME the community has been extremely reluctant to engage. I've therefore had to rely on google stuff on the Internet and one orthodox women's online forum. My questions are:

1. Re the ultra orthodox, there seems to be very high levels of poverty in UK but limitations on what can/not be done in terms of work due to wanting to work within the community and not being allowed to go to secular colleges etc to get qualifications. From what I saw/heard, so many are completely reliant on benefits. Is this not a worry for the future generations? You can't get UC for more than 2 dc now, so if everyone still wants large families how will that work?

2. The forum I lurk on seems US based, but everyone seems to have at least 1 dc with ADHD. This seems much higher than 'normal' and I'm wondering what is going on? Are they actually diagnosed by a Dr or do parents just think this because their dc isn't very interested in "learning?".

3. Again from same forum they say eating disorders are very common among orthodox women. Why is this? There seems to be a real pressure to be a size 0 to get a shidduch? Is this the same in UK?

4. For those that cover all the time at home, do you even sleep with your hair covered?

5. Possibly TMI - but on Frieda Vizel's channel she shared a recording of a rabbi telling a groom what to do on the wedding night. It was very similar to Esty's experience on Unorthodox - ie very "here is my organ, put it inside you" and no looking at each other unclothed. Then he had to jump off her if/when he ejaculated as she was now niddah. Is this typical? No judgement, just wondering.

6. It seems some of the N London communities have complete ownership over the congregation, ie having to hand in your phone to check what you've been doing on it to get a school place and other very intrusive things. Does anyone not just think to hell with this, I can't be bothered? How concerning is the fear of being shunned?

a Jewish man marries a non-Jew his kids will not be Jewish.

If a Jewish man married a non-Jew but she converted to Judiasm would their children be considered Jewish? And her grandchildren as well?

Also, are there Jewish groups who think that it's not possible to convert to Judiasm?

There are jewish infertility charities that are set up to help jewish couples, and they would support the couple with how to navigate this within the confines of jewish law (halacha). They would definitely not have to accept remaining childless, and solutions for each couple would be worked out on a case by case basis - i.e. it would be personal to that couple.

Thank you for explaining EllaDisenchanted. I've sometimes thought it must be hard for couples struggling with infertility if their community has large families around them and they might have felt there's conflict between a desire for children and their religious beliefs. It's nice to hear there's support.

@istoodonlegoagain I appreciate you trying to understand a culture that seems so foreign.
Regrading benefits: Being that kosher food and lifestyle is expensive and having large families is common, many families do struggle financially. Combine this with the fact that many ultra-orthodox do not have professional degrees so struggle to get high paying jobs. Additionally, some ultra orthodox men are particular to only work in modest or male only environment which limits them further. The question of how this will be sustainable in the long-run for those who do rely on benefits, especially with UC being capped to 2 kids, I'm not sure. My guess is that those who are determined not to go to college will have to be creative about how to increase their income. I'm assuming we'll see more family run small businesses starting up.
Re ADHD: This is very interesting, being that an average orthodox family has 5+ kids wouldn't it makes sense that the prevalence of Adhd is high? Jewish studies is very text heavy which is a real struggle for those with adhd, so perhaps that explains why many orthodox kids are being diagnosed.
Eating Disorders: That hasn't been my experience at all. On the contrary, I think girls who are orthodox and dress modestly have that bit less pressure on their body image. Eating disorders definitely do exist, but I'd be very surprised if the prevalence in orthodox communities is higher then in the rest of society.
Hair covering: I cover my hair with a wig in public and I cover with a scarf at home too. In my bedroom and in the bathroom my hair is uncovered.
Wedding Night: Being that most orthodox jews will had no previous sexual experiences, and many don't have TV and limit their SM exposure all brides and grooms will take "marriage classes". This is basically a one-one sex ed, explaining marriage from a Jewish perspective. We are taught the beauty of marriage, as well as the guidelines of Nidah etc. I have never heard the idea of not looking at each other unclothed. This doesn't align with Jewish marriage ideology at all. Once they have have consummated the marriage, being that she was most likely a virgin, it is assumed that her hymen caused bleeding hence she is rendered a Nida and must go to Mikva before having sex again. (Personally, I found this part of being newly married exceedingly difficult. Picture getting married, having sex for the first time ever and then being told to hold off for 12 days. So much self control!)

Thanks for that @jewishorthomum . The rabbi also told the groom to keep a bunch of kitchen roll beside the bed so he could check her afterwards, I didn't realize that would render her niddah for 12 days afterwards! Yes that is a test as a newlywed. Did your DH have to phone the rabbi after you dtd for the first time?

I have time to answer quickly, so if I don't get to all the questions, it's not because I am ignoring them, just time constraints.

1. this sounds like one particular community. In the community I lived in the norm was one or both in a couple worked, with a real mix of careers. Re college/uni, again that would depend on the community. Some orthodox Jews do get degrees and professional qualifications, and sometimes some qualifications are facilitated within the community, e.g. I know some of the Jewish Seminaries also do 'courses' where the girls learn skills, or sometimes study a couple of A levels. The OU is also quite good.

2. I don't know - could be a multitude of factors: If the forum is US based, social/cultural/economic factors will be different and affect rates of diagnosis. I would reckon also larger families means statistically the likelihood of one child in the family being neurodivergent is also higher. No idea if diagnosed by a doctor or if there are school pressures. I suspect it would vary from school to school if there were pressures, but I wouldn't know.

3. Not sure - I wasn't under pressure when I went through Shidduchim in the UK, but I was a natural size 8/10 at the time, so maybe I just wasn't aware of it?

4. I don't always cover at home, so personally definitely not in the bedroom.

5. HELL NO! As I haven't name changed, I don't want to go into detail 😝let's just say there should be mutual enjoyment and pleasure (afaik the man is obligated to make sure the woman enjoys herself 😄), and you certainly can see each other unclothed. you don't get into nidda from having sex/ from a man ejaculating anyway, so that is incorrect (*slightly different rules on wedding night, but too much to go into now).

The reason for the commandment against mixing milk and meat is from a verse in the Torah "You shall not cook a kid (goat) in its mother's milk" from here it is derived that we should not mix milk and meat. We have extra boundaries in place to ensure no contact between meat and milk happens, such as separate countertops, sinks etc.

I've not heard about checking her with kitchen roll after sex the first time. If anything we were told the opposite, not to look out for blood.
The Rabbi is there to answer questions regarding Niddah. Some couples have to call the Rabbi if they are unsure if a certain amount of blood renders a women niddah or not. Personally, my husband called his mentor (who gave him his "marriage class" before the wedding) and spoke to him about the events of the night and discussed whether I was a niddah or not.
In all honesty, sex on the wedding night is usually very weird and awkward for ultra orthodox couples. Its the next round, after mikva, that the fun begins.

This all sounds mortifying, I have to say!