I'm an Orthodox Jewish Woman, ask me anything.

[Jewishbookwork]

On the thread @Israelilefty started, people were asking about Orthodox Judaism. So I am starting (another) one here. Other Orthodox Jewish women are welcome to answer too, so we have more of a range of answers.

I am Chabad Chasidic, we are very religious - I wear a wig, my husband wears black and white and we have lots of books in hebrew in our house.

I have been exploring religion but so unsure about it
im hoping you can give me some advice

my grandfather was brought to England after the liberation of concentration camp. He was instantly eligible due to then having stateless citizenship as his home town, was part of the Ukraine and he was a child.

He then was married later but married a different religion as he had told my grandmother that he had no family left after the holocaust. He as an 11/12 year old never really understood except it was about his religion.

as a young person myself I never understood why he acted and had very different opinions and views about religion.

I now as an adult have tracked the history of his life and family.
I have been taught by him to believe in what is right for me and what I can question and be taught.
as I rebelled from church at 12 when I was exploring ideas. The priest was very staunch and strongly believed I should not be questioning his answers and I would be very upset as he taught me all kinds of interesting ideas. His main point was that a person should not be judged for anything except their actions and morals but only when it was done without public/attention seeking validation.
i was told to watch for the good deeds taken in the dark, never walk away and become blind to people who are weak and afraid as that means you are equal to the bully or think you are too good.
Money was hidden throughout the house, shed and in potted plants in the garden. He would not allow my grandmother, my dad or his other children or us grandchildren to have a bank account unless it was purely symbolic. He would say that banks robbed people and controlled the future of all its citizens. The banks were not for good people and protected the people who saved money and made them wealthy. He said the banks were the private piggy banks of the government who had most control. They were able to be bought and controlled so the banks could always be wealthy
rveryt was cash and we found loads of strange hiding places.

I have been incredibly curious about his religion and when he passed away he left me a poster/rolled quote.
He also said in a card, that I should not stop reading, questioning and eventually I would find my way, not to follow what I was not allowed to question as I have always been unable to accept- that is the only any
I followed him and was a female version of him- he became a maths professor and I eventually became a chemistry lecturer
we are the only family interested in Science
my Grandma would send us to the shed as we were disrespecting her religion and if the priest ever came to our homes she would be shunned and my grandfather would ruin her reputation as he had‘converted’ and agreed all children would be Catholic. As it was not a marriage in the community if the neighbours or priests were hearing the disbelief and questions about what we had to say.

I was told as a teenager that he had been brought up in religion and it was also scholarly and I would have been very interested in hearing the debates and the discussion about there belief

I had not known what that was or meant as he would say he believed only in Science, kindness and banks stole money and religion was used as a weapon to make people feel better about themselves. Listen to what that lot tell us about what is going to happen to us for not doing anything the priests expect of us

He wasn’t disrespectful in how he said this - but was our little private jokes.

on my graduation day he had put under my pillow at home a framed picture
Again he said that Science can’t offer me all the answers.
it had a passage from Job! Well I can be a twit, I actually pronounced it as Job/as employed-

I can remember being upset with him as I thought he was telling me that I needed to get a job because I was not going to be able to study Chemistry PhD and he was trying to let me down.

I believed for years and years I had disappointed him because he didn’t want me to embarrass him by not being as good as he expected. I did a PhD but not at the university he wanted.

I realised and finally, maybe understood that he was guiding me
when I heard a speech by Job and it was discussing how God had tested him??? Is that right

But he never talked about the life he had before
So I was ignorant to much about anything, I did make him angry when I was 5-6 and I kept seeing his arm and he had a number on it. I couldn’t see any one else having them and in my foolish mind I thought it was because he was a believer in Science, nobody else was which was the reason only he had the number.
I learned that number and because he was my idol and I also loved Science. So one Friday teatime when we were together in our little special space in the living room, and nobody was allowed to use anything in there and we had reading science together time- I truly believed everyone in the world also did the same if they liked science- I came to sit and read but I had proudly written the same number on the matching arm as I thought how it must have been forgotten on me or he didn’t want a science granddaughter and just a boy. I have never seen him so angry/upset/hurt by it. He was was not even speaking English and only when he sang did he use the strange language. My grandma was telling me what a stupid girl I was. My grandad left and I didn’t see him for a couple of weeks. I knew I had done something but not sure as my grandma would not allow anyone to discuss, watch or read certain information.

I was in my 30s when I really started to understand and his death, my card, my papers he left with the number, emigration papers and all this strange paperwork and I followed the path.

That path has always seemed to have me thinking and questioning my beliefs. The more I found out about him etc the more I realised that he had never left his beliefs and had only tried to make sense of events that left him an orphan and alone in a place where his crime was his view of religion.

i have been trying to find more about Judaism, and try to learn and read - translations to see if that is what I was being taught in his way.

But it’s difficult to do alone without anyone teaching me and explaining it. I can’t openly express what I’m doing and how curious but feel like I’m not as hollow feeling the more my simple brain is trying to figure out what I think
Do I read from page to page like a book? My extended family would believe I had lost my mind and they already tell me I have lost my soul to darkness by refusing as a teenager to believe blindly in the the same as them.
The fact I was told to go home instead of reading to the little kids and saying to them that actually how can it be possible for them to be scared of eternal suffering, hell and the banishment from the community centre of our mums, aunts and grandmothers for shame brought on them if we didn’t listen to the priest m/nuns as they were the holy people on earth keeping our souls from bursting into flames and burning for eternity. I told them all, that it was utter nonsense just like Peter rabbit and Winnie the Pooh- it was scientifically proven that it was impossible for us to just burst into flames and never stop burning. I asked how many of them had ever seen a person just set on fire, as we all knew sinners as we were told to keep away from them as we would go with them? Obviously not one kid could say it, so I told them maybe they were trying to trick us to behave like Santa!
That we also could be terrible sinners but every Sunday we all had to list our sins in confession and we were forgiven. That they could just make up silly things and he didn’t even listen as i had been doing an experiment and every week for 6 weeks I said something silly and he asked if I repented and I made a sad face and I was good again
so then we were all being lied to by them as we didn’t have to worry that we were burning forever if we did/thought about a bad thing. Science proved that nothing could just be normal and then instantly burn, and they said it couldn’t burn forever as eventually it would run out of our bodies to do that.

so i told them that I said silly stuff like I am sorry for having unkind thoughts about pigs are not as funny as cows.

I was called out of the room when they little kids had finished writing about the reading and what we discussed.
Then my mum, aunts and grandmother were called out of the service in front of everyone- the shame
They disappeared and then came out angry and dragged me down the street asking what stupid things I was thinking and I was surely now losing my mind and I was going to burn forever and no I was taking all the souls of those children U has been trusted to lead and teach. Not many people your age have been given the privilege of keeping their children safe and entrusted with their morals. It was what happened to girls who had silly grandads planting silly ideas about how I should always question people. That he had finally ruined me, by indulging my fanciful ideas and making me think I actually had the choice of thinking and all that science stuff and numbers had got to stop as that is not proper and nice for Yong ladies to have in their heads. That was for the men and boys. Frivolously indulging me and my silly grandad thinking that it was the right way to educate you had finally ruined my life. How was I ever going to get a good husband in the future. No nice families will want that ugly man brain running through their future generations.

My grandfather had already been told and was sat on the door step laughing out loud at what I had done and hearing them all shouting and crying for my ugly man brain 🧠 then he had no sunday jacket on in the front of the house- my grandmother was beside herself- the shame- the shame and now you looking like you have no good wife looking after you- what have you done Eddie. You have ruined her with your silliness and telling her that only fools believe in spontaneous combustion and did I remember to mention the actual amount of energy needed for spontaneous combustion and that it would be the same as needed for nuclear energy!

so I have that same problem and I can’t just blindly believe in anything I can’t question and be wrong and then discuss it and I know that he loved the way he was brought up and it was an academic subject that he was not going to stop showing me his way
Even if I had an ugly science brain. Though he did say that as a girl in his town I also would not have been treated like a man. But he would go and teach his little sister as she was just like me and it was like she had been born reading, writing and an old person from the ancestors.

I have no idea how/why/what to believe in his stories
online teachings I am more confused than ever

I also was worried that I am actually doing something wrong and disrespecting and insulting his history by actually really wanting to explore the religion in full. He said his sister couldn’t study just like him so am I going to cause offence to others as well.

I would desperately like some advice and to know where to find more information about the readings I am trying to study.

I also have some questions on his own true religion as I have the paper work and all the information from the Arolsen site sent
but in becoming liberated and landing in uk his Religion was documented differently.

So has the reading from Job and some papers listing his religion but being something different in uk actually his own lasting legacy and ensuring that I found a belief in more than science as I have taken the reading and interpretation from a long time ago as God/Satan Job and the discussion of judism
i have no idea if i am right as he was listed in uk papers as Catholic and he had to convert to marry my grandmother and then we all have Roman Catholic listed as it was the long history of my grandmothers family
until I brought the shame on them?

I apologise, profusely for the extent of my comment, the lack of clarity and long winded little details. I thought it would make more sense, excuse my ignorance and I actually have only ever been able to openly express myself on this thread.

I absolutely know my family and extended family will not tolerate my comments about this topic around the table. They have struggled to understand and accept the fact I would openly say I had only the religion and faith in Science and that it was Santa Cluster and fear that I was told to believe.
they pray for my soul and all 4 of my children, when my daughter died they were hysterical as I have never christened my children. I have always said to them and my family my children will choose their own path.
They tell me repeatedly my daughter is In torturous pain and will never be given peace as she wasn’t brought into the heaven as I refused to let them bring the priest st the end.

so any questions or comments, even to ask them what they think would probably mean that I would not be invited to Sunday dinner

I know that If i had found faith in anything that I could say was not saying that it was all wrong then it would be embraced.
Though i have always believed that the comments about my daughter are their cruelest comments and I have always felt like I had made her with a brain abnormalities that I could never stop feeling guilty about and then in the dark times of losing my 12 year old so suddenly, that they are all justified in telling me every week that I have caused her great pain and suffering as she died and in death. Sometimes I feel that I have failed my child through her life and If my grandfather was here, he would be as ashamed of my behavior and insistence on questioning, making my daughter suffer from my vanity. My grandmother repeatedly said and is in every Sunday prayers and confession and needs to pray for her soul

That my grandfather would have been ashamed of me. That I had sent his great granddaughter to be persecuted and tortured for all eternity.

so again I apologise for the verbal diarrhea and I hope I haven’t embarrassed myself and should have just been content with reading

Do you think a person is born Jewish (from
mothers line) or do you think someone can simply convert to Judaism? Also, how would you feel if your children were not to follow your beliefs/change their beliefs as they get older? Thank you.

@Biscuitmonster2318 why don't you find a synogogue and see if you can have a conversation with the rabbi about that. 💐

I’m also curious about this.

I was raised as a non-orthodox Jew, and an now an atheist. My dad transferred to an orthodox jewish synagogue where my brother had his bar mitzvah and women had to sit separately to men, with men being closer to the torah etc. That for me was a definite example of women being seen as inferior to men.

I wasn’t sure if/how to do that?
I I live in an area that is very insulated and separated and work in an area where my own family struggled to find a place to worship as our community has changed. I know that I am the oldest in the grandchildren erc
That all the younger generations are going to move to the next villages where they will have more choices.
Though they legend of my family being taken out church is still going with them

as it’s still a source of hilarity and every week it seems to come up- even in the next villages at big gatherings and events.

So I teach and in 5 years of study level I have now student’s of only 1 background.
I have no clue how to get in touch with a synagogue and do they have the same requirements for entry as the mosques I have taken students to and can I just enter as a woman
I would hate to offend anyone.

I have enough of that eye rolling on a Sunday 😂

Is there any way to seek a reduction or exemption in the Nida period for women who ovulate early in their cycle? I hope that's an ok way to talk about something that sounds very important for Orthodox Jewish women, I couldn't think of a better way to phrase it. Day 12 would be too late for some women to conceive.

Are couples able to access assisted reproduction if they can't conceive?

Could you go to a restaurant and order vegan food, or would that not be considered kosha?

Hi @Rycbar the other AMA (2 threads in classics) covered this quite extensively if you are interested :) it also covered a lot on family purity (nidda) and @noblegiraffe I think it covered about about head covering with a wig too.

@ArchetypalBusyMum i have 4 kids. One has ASD, one has ADHD and being assessed for ASD and I had SPD (not severe) in pregnancy and antenatal anxiety. I am not having more kids as it would be dysfunctional if I did (last one was coil failure), unless there is another contraceptive failure. I’ve never had any negativity about it ever. I would also find it really rude and socially inappropriate if anyone in the community would comment on how many kids I have- it’s no one else’s business!

Hi @Jewishbookwork 👋 you said you were happy for other orthodox Jewish women to jump on to give other perspectives, hope it’s ok if I answer a few!
I’m ex UK, but live in Israel now.

Unfortunately one of my children used to regularly need to be rushed to hospital, and it seemed to inevitably be on shabbos. In the case where someone is sick, pikuach Nefesh (literally saving a life ) overrides shabbos, so I would do whatever is needed in the hospital, on behalf of my child, including buzzing intercoms etc. for a pregnant woman, child or elderly person they are considered more vulnerable so the range of what is considered life saving is very broad.

If I walked over to visit someone over shabbos, then I would observe all the laws as usual, so I would wait until someone is walking through an electric door and go in behind them. I wouldn’t bother staff if I could help it and I wouldn’t be allowed to break the laws of Shabbos.

That we are very diverse people, with a vast range of views religiously politically socially etc even within orthodox Jewish practice. there are specific core beliefs that Orthodox Jews will not disagree on (e.g. belief in one Gd, belief in the truth of the Torah etc) but beyond that each person is unique, with all that comes with that.

there can be (valid!) criticisms like how can someone do x y z it goes against your religion (or is just plain evil), but we’re human, some of us do bad/evil things like all other people, so please don’t judge Jews or Judaism by the actions of a few. I sometimes feel like we are held accountable for all Jews everywhere and it’s impossible.

(This isn’t aimed at anyone in particular, just a bug bear of mine)

One fridge is the norm. I have one oven, and I use it for meaty food. I cook dairy on the stove or in the microwave, or (very rarely, mainly to make cheesecake for shavuous) do a thorough cleaning and burning out process to ‘reset’ my oven, use it for dairy, then repeat the process to reset it. I had one sink in the UK and it was a huge pain, I used two washing up bowls that I switched out constantly. I don’t have a dishwasher now, but I do have two sinks (bliss!).
I don’t know anyone with separate milk and meat kitchens.

I don’t think men and women have different status - I see men and women as different but equal. We have different roles traditionally, and a lot of that is due to biology, but I wouldn’t say one role is superior to the other. I would strongly challenge any Jewish man who saw women as ‘less than’ men.
The Jewish men and women I know don’t regard women as less than men , and would all find that an offensive attitude.
I am not speaking for all Jewish communities, but from what I know of Chabad (I have Chabad relatives) I’d be incredibly surprised if @Jewishbookwork felt women were looked down in Chabad.

Last one for me then I’m going to work;

1. yes although not so widespread. I have one vegetarian friend, a teen cousin who was pescatarian at one point, and know another couple who one is either vegan or vegetarian (not sure) and the other is sort of vegetarian.

2. mental health is an area that I’d say historically was brushed under the carpet but in recent years (last couple decades at a guess) has come much more to the fore, with huge leaps in generating awareness and putting in community projects for support.i am aware of a community run hotline for mental health support in Manchester, and am closely connected to someone doing the same in the city I now live in, which will be manned by trained therapists 24/7 (including Shabbat). As part of hatzala (volunteer ambulance service) in my area, there is also an MHP (mental health professional) response team who respond to calls as well, and I know they are first responders to actively suicidal people, and unfortunately to support witnesses/family after a suicide. Also post terrorist attacks they go in to do immediate trauma work. There is of course work to be done in this area, but stigma around mental health has seen big shifts in my opinion. Current views on suicide; it’s a huge huge tragedy, it is a wake up call that we as a community need to do better to support people struggling with mental health.

3. I see myself as a feminist, but my focus is mostly activism within the Jewish community, addressing issues that affect Jewish women. As in all things there are diverse views within feminism, and I don’t necessarily align with every viewpoint but I follow the fwr board and generally find I have a lot in common and have supported /donated to feminist causes fairly regularly.

Shame you haven't answered my question

@purpleleotard2 your complaint is rude.

Questions about how Jews view male circumcision were answered very articulately on the other AMAs in classics.
But since you asked, I don’t view it as mutilation, so I don’t need to reconcile it with my beliefs.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/circumcision/about/pac-20393550

Sorry it double posted. It was answered on this page.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics/4794247-jewish-orthodox-mum-part-ii-ama?page=10&reply=125767082

I've never met an Orthodox Jew!

1. Were you born into this religion?
2. How old were you when you had your first child?
3. How many children do you have?
4. How involved is your husband in raising his children? Does he feed them, change nappies, play with them etc?

I have a baby and I found pregnancy incredibly tough and recovering after childbirth was very difficult too. I'm young and very healthy but was unfortunate to be in so much pain. Makes me wonder about other women who experienced similar but are told to have a big family.

Hi @EllaDisenchantedEllaDisenchanted I just wanted to ask, since you live in Israel, what the general feeling is amongst orthodox Jews about the current situation in Palestine? I know that many UK Jews fully support the right of Palestinians to be freed of illegal occupation.
Thanks.

1. yes
2. I was 22
3. 6
4. Pretty involved, he did all those things, although i mostly breastfed so his input there was limited. I was lucky to recover pretty fast after childbirth but of course you always need help. One or two of our babies was really colicy, so that was very difficult but he is a pretty hands on dad.

no, we wouldn't eat food that was cooked in a pot that was used for non kosher, even if clean.

You may meet some kosher keeping Jews who are ok with doing this (i know many) but strictly Orthodox Jews will not do this.

Sone restaurants will bring in kosher food in certain cases

As was mentioned, ovulating early is dealt with via medication.

Yes, couples will definitely access assisted reproduction. There are organisations that help with IVF and other fertility treatments. Israel funds treatment for up to two kids, I beleive, but outside of Israel private charitys try and fill this gap, with funds, knowledege.

Treatment will be done under Rabbinic guidance - not everything is ok. I know a lot of care is take to avoid mix ups in labs which can be halachically problematic. Issues such as surragacy are also complicated.