I'm an Orthodox Jewish Woman, ask me anything.

[Jewishbookwork]

On the thread @Israelilefty started, people were asking about Orthodox Judaism. So I am starting (another) one here. Other Orthodox Jewish women are welcome to answer too, so we have more of a range of answers.

I am Chabad Chasidic, we are very religious - I wear a wig, my husband wears black and white and we have lots of books in hebrew in our house.

So may qs, will try an answer all.

Its pretty standard to date for a short time in our community.

The spotting after a period may not be counted as part of a period.

Gay people - as you said, depends on community. Chabad people are pretty tolerant though.

I wouldn't have male friends really, generally women are friends with women and men with men. But we have family friends, I would talk to men at our shabbat table say.

Men and women do work together.

Thank you for the support. I wrote a whole reply to that person who thinks I run the world whose post was deleted. (sadly I don't).

Why don't men have to cover their hair?

You seem to accept the different status of men and women. Do you have any strong feelings about how women are regarded as less than men - the same as in many denominations of Christianity too? What do you feel is the basis for women being regarded as less than men?

Thank you @Jewishbookwork

Is love expected in an orthodox marriage? Do you look for love / romantic feelings / attraction as a basis for marriage or is it expected that these grow once married?

@StBrides I've attempted to answer some of your questions, but I've just seen that @Jewishbookwork has posted already. Hope its okay if I post anyway.

The dating process varies in communities. Some orthodox communities date for a couple of weeks, some longer, and Chassidic communities will date within a week before getting engaged. The underlying reason for the short dating process is that the purpose of dating is for marriage and not for fun. So usually the parents or matchmaker will ensure that the couple's values and religious levels align. Once that is confirmed the couple meet and date. The purpose of dating is to see that they like each others character and looks. Ultra Orthodox Jews believe that the love will come after marriage. It follows that there is no touching at all during the dating process.
Dating infatuation seen as a distraction which is the reason that touch is not allowed during the dating process.

A period is defined from the time that a woman sees a substantial amount of blood. This starts the Nidah period which means that the couple avoid any actions of physical closeness between them eg, touching, kissing, sex etc. This Nida period last for 7 days after the period ends, which usually amounts to 12 days in total. After these 12 days the women immerses in a Mikva which is a spa-like pool inorder to purify herself spiritually and prepare to physically reunite with her husband.

Acceptance of homosexuality, as you said, varies between communities. Traditional family setup is fundamental to Jewish practice so Ultra orthodox and Chassidic communities are less accepting then the modern orthodox.

Orthodox men and women will not usually socialise with the opposite sex outside of family. Some ultra orthodox men are particular to only work in male only environments. Or, my husband calls the women he works with by their surname only, eg Mrs X, Miss x, rather than their first names, inorder to maintain a distance.

Obviously the question is for the op regarding her community, but I'm Jewish and find women are revered, respected and generally rule the roost. I have a friend in the charedi community who is a barrister with 6 children.

Half asleep so making it short but wanted to say I too am horrified by the rise of disgusting anti-semitism in this country.

I strongly believe it is a vociferous minority. Please don't believe that it is widespread.

I love the honest answers in this post.

Thank you @jewishorthomum that's really illuminating. And thanks to both you and @Jewishbookwork for answering sensitive questions.

I struggle to understand how you can ascertain a person's character in a few weeks (or less) but I suppose with a family and community structure like those in orthodox communities there must be a lot of shared trust in the judgement of those involved in the matchmaking process.

How do less wealthy families keep kosher? Having multiple kitchens would be extravagant in most parts of the UK, and my house couldn't fit a second fridge, oven, or dishwasher.

The majority of practices become habit and part of life.
If there is a specific area that one is struggling in they can study it to learn more about its meaning. There is a massive amount of books and Jewish writings explaining the intention and beauty behind each commandment. A personal example, I struggled with prayer, since starting to learn more about the meaning and effects of my prayer it has helped make it more meaningful.
However, we have human inclinations just as anyone else. So of course there are times when I want to do something and being religious I must hold back.

Rarely, if ever, am I torn between religion and morals, as my religion is my moral compass.

As women living in today's world would you amend, do away with any of the rules of your religion because they're just not relevant today?

Thank you for doing this thread, and thank you for answering this question - it's one I was going to ask, as a friend finally left her neighbourhood in North London as all the houses were gradually being bought out by their Orthodox neighbours, and any attempts by her to be friendly were rebuffed. She was originally part of a very mixed, diverse, thriving community, and she's very gregarious, so found it in the end a very lonely life as one by one her other neighbours were bought out. She is definitely not one to be in a bubble, and she really did make an effort, and I did think it was really sad, both for her and for her new Orthodox neighbours, not to be able to mix.

I'd also like to ask: I have heard from Jewish friends that they are feeling more fearful as antisemitism is on the rise. Has this been your experience, and - apart from the obvious stuff like not letting misinformation or antisemitic tropes go by without saying anything - what can we do to counter it?

Kosher life and food is very expensive. But we don't need multiple kitchens. All orthodox and ultra orthodox people I know have 1 kitchen. Within that kitchen there are separate counter areas designated for meaty and milky foods. Most kitchens will have 2 sinks, 2 ovens and 2 sets of utensils and pots. Separate cookers and fridge are not needed, we just make sure milky and meaty foods don't touch each other.
The biggest expense is kosher food. Kosher food prices are insanely high at the moment. There are many local charities who help out with grocery costs. There is a lot of importance on charity and there is a massive amount of give and take within the community, with those who are in a well off position helping out those who are struggling.

Sorry as I know you've already been asked about wigs but why are they worn? I can understand the reason for wearing a hijab for instance to not show a part of a woman that may regarded as a possible sexual attraction(can't think of a better way of explaining it) but if you're covering up your hair with a wig then surely it's the same? Not meaning to be disrespectful just trying to understand. I am a descendant of jews but only on the male side so am not Jewish myself. Thank you.

@JewishbookworkI hope its okay that I'm responding to these questions. I'm quite enjoying this bit of intellectual stimulation. (Feel free to re-answer)

Its a good question, especially as many wigs are as or even more beautiful than the hair underneath them. Also, nowadays there are some fabulously natural wigs that are unrecognisable as wigs.
The purpose of wearing a wig isn't to make a women look ugly or less beautiful, rather it is a physical reminder to the woman that they are married.

I'll make the point another way. An orthodox man won't hit up a single girl on the street regardless. So her wearing a wig has no real life significance. Rather its a reminder for herself of her status.

There are many ultra orthodox and chasidic women are particular that the wig should not be totally natural so that others can also see that she is married.

Rather its a reminder for herself of her status

Why does she need to remind herself she is married though? Is to ensure she conducts herself differently and if so, how?

If it's not about behaviour then is it spiritual? Is there something spiritually special about being married as opposed to not (within an orthodox community, eg a married woman vs spinster)?

Thank you for this thread. It is very enlightening for me as someone who knows very little about Orthodox Jews!
Can I ask does vegetarianism/ veganism exist within the community?
How is suicide treated?
And also how do you feel about feminism?

Thank you 🙏

The ultimate reason why we cover our hair is that its one of the Torah commandments that a women covers parts of her body that are considered private. Once married hair falls into the category of private and is reserved for her husband. This is the base reason why we cover.

Following on from that, there are multiple understandings why a married women's hair becomes "private", as I stated in previous post.
You are right that there isn't anything outwardly different in her behaviour when she is married vs single. It is more about her mindset that she is now in the role of a married woman.

Family and kids are fundamental to Judaism so marriage is seen as very important. Orthodox girls dream of getting married, they understand it as their natural progression. There are of course older singles in the community, this is mostly due to them not yet finding a compatible spouse, not because of lack of interest in marriage.

I hope this answers the question.
I do expect many questions on Judaism's view on feminism to follow. I'll pick up tomorrow if the OP hasn't responded.

How do you feel about the experiences of women who have left the religion and suffered for it by losing their kids etc. Or men who have lost access to their children for leaving?

Do you think that maybe being in a British community makes a difference in terms of acceptance or understanding to say, an American one?

Is your wig the same colour and length as your natural hair?

Do you celebrate the secular bits of Christmas? If not have your children ever complained about that or not? Just wondering as we are Christian and my dc have just accepted that we don't do Halloween.

With regards to no contact with husband during niddah. Would it be allowed in a medical necessity situation? For example if you’ve had surgery or somehow physically incapacitated that you need assistance to bathe or move about and you happen to be on your period? Could he help or would you call on female relatives?

Not wanting to derail but I used to date someone who was muslim, but his mother was jewish so technically he was both jewish and muslim.

OP

What are the rules about internet use? I know one of the ultra orthodox schools in London ask about the parents' use of the internet when offering places to the children. I know that is probably so rare as to be a one off and you are here so you are allowed some use.

Not sure how to phrase this in a way that makes sense, but I was wondering if you could share the way you experience your faith/religion emotionally?

I've never had a religion, was brought up without one — culturally Christian, I guess, at most. My main exposure to how people experience their religion on an emotional level is secondhand from various types of Christians.

Some of them I think find their religion a comfort, a reassuring constant of places and practices that will always be there for them, gaining strength from having a protector they can take troubles to, a link to all the Christians before them, enjoying the traditions because they're traditions, that kind of thing. Then others seem to have quite an intense personal relationship with Jesus specifically, like having a good friend they can constantly chat to who also inspires intense passionate feelings, and something a bit more mysterious with holy spirit stuff, lots of lively social activity, feeling they've been rescued from utter ruin and damnation but will be raised high, and just really quite an exciting emotional relational vibe to it all. Then there's others who seem to not really connect emotionally but it's just something they do? but I suspect it's more complicated and subtle than an outsider can see. And others, and others. Lots of exposure to ways of emotionally experiencing Christianity.

I've had friends of other religions who I've got the occasional inkling from of their emotional experience, too. But I've never had any close Orthodox Jewish friends.

I've heard plenty about laws and rules and customs and practices, at school in RE and elsewhere, but I'm more curious about what your faith/religion feels like for you, how it manifests emotionally in your life, if that makes sense? (Though I know you're one person, not the representative and final word, obviously 🤣)