I'm an Orthodox Jewish Woman, ask me anything.

[Jewishbookwork]

On the thread @Israelilefty started, people were asking about Orthodox Judaism. So I am starting (another) one here. Other Orthodox Jewish women are welcome to answer too, so we have more of a range of answers.

I am Chabad Chasidic, we are very religious - I wear a wig, my husband wears black and white and we have lots of books in hebrew in our house.

Does your husband work? Or do you support the family financially? (I heard that usually in Orthodox families, the women work so the men can devote their time to studying the scriptures but I might be wrong)

I never met my husband's father, as he passed away very young. When our son was born, we named him after his grandfather to honor him. We have many pictures of DH's dad in the house, and all three look alike.

My MIL was very pleased with us doing this and would sometimes call my husband by my son's name and my son by my husband's name, which we all thought was a bit funny but sweet in a way.

Yes, my husband works. He is a Rabbi. He (We - we work together) work mostly with secular Jews.

We are Chabad, we don't really do the men learning Torah their whole life (or even for several years).

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work that needs to be done? In terms of supporting people, outreach etc? How do you balance that with the needs of your young children (if you have any?). Not so long ago I watched a programme about a Chabad family just outside N London. They seemed lovely but despite having cleaning help their house was a complete tip. The mother very much seemed to want to focus on community stuff which was really nice. If Judaism isn't concerned about numbers, why is important to try to make people who are born Jewish religious? If a Jew is always a Jew, why does it matter if they are religious or not?

Is that the Stacey Dooley programme?

I don't have quite as many children as that family and at this stage in life my kids are mostly grown up, I just have 2 still in school.

Yes, I often feel overwhelmed, absolutely! Being religious is a lot of work, shabbat meals every week, holidays. I definitely have less energy to spend on cleaning my house. And on shabbat we don't use screens. My kid and his friend spent shabbat afternoon creating a giant slide out of all the mattresses and pillows in the house on the stairs. He is a bit older, at one stage I had a bunch of toddlers very close in age, after shabbat our house was a real mess!

We are not trying to create numbers but we beleive that all Jewish people should be given the opportunity to connect to their religion and learn about their heritage.

I don't think I am going to make all the people I meet religious (I am not that charismatic!) but if people are doing more Jewish things that makes me happy. :) Like I give someone challa on friday and she told me they started doing a shabbat dinner with their family. Every mitzva is powerful!

To add, I think in the type of work I do, people adapt. Different stages in life mean the abilty to do different things. I am now doing some very different types of projects to the ones I did when my kids were small.

Thank you for this thread. Can I ask how would your community respond to a couple (or more specifically a woman) who experienced infertility?

People are probably more likely to assume a couple with no kids are going through infertility than just deciding to delay or not have kids at all since most couples have kids straight away.

There are organisations that help couples pay for fertility treatments.* Lots of Jewish law around this area, which treatments are allowed, which are not. Fortunately I never had issues with fertility so never really studied them. One law involves making sure that the wrong embryo doesn't get implanted in the woman.

Its definitely more of a struggle since being child free is not a common choice in the Orthodox community. So I can only imagine how difficult it is being the only one of your siblings or friend group without kids.

• this is a uk based org https://www.chana.org.uk. I assume it is named after the biblical Hannah who prayed for a child and was answered.

Thanks! Interesting

This is so interesting, OP, thank you for sharing so much. Can I ask, you talk a lot about traditional gender roles being fairly central, and how you consider men and women to be equal, but different. If a young woman has faith, an is happy to conform to all your community’s other beliefs, but not that one, can she be accommodated? Would she be able to duck out of all the child-rearing and food preparation, or insist that her husband did half? Or would she basically struggle to find a Chabad husband who would live with that, and have no choice but to leave and find a more liberal/secular community?

Do you wear a wig?
Is it itchy or uncomfortable in hot weather ?

When you are on your period do you have to sleep separately and eat separately from.your husband.

Are women controlled by men in the community.
Are girls allow to pursue education or career?
Are they encouraged to marry young?
Are you allowed to have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
What happens if you are gay?

What would happen if you wanted to wear a shorter skirt?
Would you be punished?

Not the op, but hell yeah it's itchy and uncomfortable. Conversation in my office back when I was religious and working in a religious office: "as soon as I get home I throw off my wig" "as soon as I get home I throw off my tights" "I'm not gonna tell you what I throw off the minute I get home 😂"

I can imagine it be hard.
To not to be able to feel a breeze through your hair on a hot day.
And with the menopause and a hot flush I'd be swinging it off.😂

Depends where and how short and what stage of life. But generally it's more socially stigmatized, not punished. It's considered "slummy" (American communities would say that years ago, dunno about the equivalent UK word).
Unmarried and young, you won't get a "good" husband.
Married with approaching school age kids, you won't get into a "good" school.
Of course, if you don't think a husband or school like that is good, you won't care about not getting in. So it's more about social acceptance and conformity.

Social.acceptance and conformity can be a hindrance in all walks of society.

Hopefully the partners and family allow the women to do how they wish.

Otherwise it is sad and controlling of women .😔

Good question. Of course there are women who like child rearing or cooking more than others. Its pretty acceptable/normal even necessary for chabad women to work so they might be leaving their child with a babysitter. There are women who spend a lot more or a lot less time on cooking as well.

I am sure this can be something that would be discussed when dating, a fairer division of household tasks. There is a wide spectrum in Chabad of behaviours and expectations, its not such a rigid group.

I mostly do the cooking in my house since I enjoy it. But my husband does his fair share of childcare. There are certainly men who do more cooking and childcare and housework then they used to.

My wigs are pretty comfortable, they are a whole lot better then they used to be.

Its not so hot where I live.

I dislike hot weather...when I am somewhere very hot everything is uncomfortable. Clothes, wig...

I am used to wearing one outside the house in the same way you get used to wearing a pair of shoes. But of course as soon as I get in I take them both off.

You would just be looked at a different way. People would probably assume, roghtly or wrongly, that you lean more towards a Modern Orthodox way of life. They might think you are less rigid in kashrut choices for example. (there are different levels in kashrut, eg meat can be glatt, or not. Dairy products can be Chalav Yisrael (supervised from time of milking) or not.

Are women controlled by men in the community.

Aren't we all? `To some extent yes, there are also female community leaders however.

Are girls allow to pursue education or career?

Yes although this might be limited. I don't know any Religious Jewish ballet dancers for example. Some people prefer not to go to a secular or non Jewish college so they might do an online degree or go to a religious college such as Touro in New York. Some people see it as preferable to stay within a religious framework so they will prefer to get jobs within the community - eg, schools, yeshivot, in outreach roles.

Are they encouraged to marry young?

Yes.

Are you allowed to have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

See my skirt answer. :)

Dating is for marriage so if you have a boy friend or girlfriend it would be expected to be a non physical relationship and with the end goal of marriage.

Some young people do find their own partners eg they meet at a social event or shabbat meal.

What happens if you are gay?

Some gay people leave the community, others prefer to stay in it. There are gay Orthodox Jews, I don't know too many of them so can't really speak for them altough I have definitely met some. Maybe someone in a bigger Jewish community than mine can answer this question. :)

Its possibly the case that gay people suppress that side of themselves to conform.

To add I am sure there are people who have pre-marital sex. (I didn't) One big discussion is if a woman in that situation should go to the mikva. Halachically its the better option but its somewhat controversial. (because it makes the sex pre meditated)

We sleep in seperate beds when I have my period and a week after. We have 2 small double beds. Some couples have singles that zip together.

We are allowed to eat together :) but we might choose another time of the month for a romantic date. Its a pain in the neck for planning holidays. I use hormonal pills to push off my period if i need to but have been caught by surpise nevertheless.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
The topic of women's choices in religion, especially regarding dress and lifestyle, is often subject to biased narratives, sometimes fueled by media portrayals and particular political perspectives. For instance, women who choose to wear the hijab in Islam may face assumptions that they’re oppressed, even though many wear it out of personal conviction. Similarly, women in Orthodox Judaism who follow specific dress codes or lifestyles also do so out of choice and belief, yet they may encounter fewer assumptions about oppression.
A deeper issue here might be how the media frames "choice" for women in religious contexts, which can sometimes reflect cultural biases rather than respect for individual autonomy. Many women in both Islam and Judaism, as well as other faiths, find empowerment and identity through their practices, so it’s vital to understand these choices as deeply personal and unique to each individual.