I'm an Orthodox Jewish Woman, ask me anything.

[Jewishbookwork]

On the thread @Israelilefty started, people were asking about Orthodox Judaism. So I am starting (another) one here. Other Orthodox Jewish women are welcome to answer too, so we have more of a range of answers.

I am Chabad Chasidic, we are very religious - I wear a wig, my husband wears black and white and we have lots of books in hebrew in our house.

Thanks for starting this thread, OP. It's led me to read two similar threads from a couple of years back and I've found all three very interesting and informative.

I was wondering about political involvement, specifically that of Orthodox Jewish women outside of Israel. Obviously there are/have been female Jewish MPs (I'm in the UK), and I imagine also members of the US Congress, of the French Parliament, etc. Are/were some of these women Orthodox? Or would that be something to be discouraged, because the long hours involved would encroach on what should be family time? (Though I suppose you could say the same about other jobs that demand long hours too!) Or might it be encouraged, on the grounds that it would be good to have female Orthodox involvement in shaping policies?

Similarly with political activism generally. Would volunteering to (for example) deliver leaflets for a political party, or campaign for a cause such as environmentalism, be discouraged as taking time away from family time? Or would it be thought of as a socially good thing to do? Or perhaps it's just up to each individual woman to decide whether or not she wants to become an activist?

I'm thinking partly of the 'official' thinking on this (sorry; don't know how else to word it! I mean the views of influential people such as rabbis and maybe scholars) and also what the opinions of/pressures from local communities might be (people saying, on the one hand, 'She's abandoned her kids to do this!', or, on the other hand, 'She's a great example to us all!').

@PrincessFiorimonde i can have a go at partly answering your question - I’ll admit I don’t know a lot about it.

political activism seems to be taken much much more seriously among American Jews than UK. Orthodox Jewish candidates have run for different political positions (I believe in local government). I can think of a couple of examples of very religious Jewish women (in America) who are active politically. One of them, Supreme Court Judge Ruchy Freier is chasidic. I would say she is exceptionally unusual and presumably splits opinions . In my view she is an absolute role model of someone who had a passion and determination and went for it without compromising her religious values. But she’s really not the norm for chasidic communities. I think activism in general in the Jewish community in America is culturally more the norm, and therefore naturally religious women will engage too, although probably not as much as the men.

i would imagine the discourse around women being in politics wouldn’t centre around family time, but whether or not it is ‘tznius’. Tznius is often roughly translated as modesty but is more to do with internality. I’m all for women in politics / activism by the way, if that is what the woman wants to do. Each community will also have very different opinions. Some Chasidic communities (not including lubavitch) are likely to be vehemently opposed, religious zionist communities are likely to be all for it, yeshivish communities it would probably be hotly debated, but I can’t see an ‘official’ ruling.
Jews are commanded to ‘make for yourself a Rav’ - (awkward translation) which basically means you are supposed to find the Rav and community and the pathway in Judaism that suits you personally. This is how you end up with all different types of Jews in one family. For example in my family, me and three my brothers lean towards dati leumi torani Judaism (more mizrachi), one leans towards our chasidic roots and wears a spodek and kapote on shabbos (visually looks chasidic) but embraces breslov teachings too), one is yeshivish and in kolel and the others are too young to have fixed on their approach . We all have different rabbanim who we have picked as our personal rav. If I had a question about whether or not something might be right for me, and I felt there was a religious aspect to consider, I would go and discuss it with my rav or rebbetzin.in the case of political activism, I can see that for yeshivish communities , if a woman was strongly drawn to politics, she would like have a rav that she consults about what she does and how she does it and any religious questions that come up along the way. I think it would be probably pretty polarizing but it’s not something I’d expect outside of Israel/chasidic communities foe there to be ‘official’ letters about

its very hard to explain how not homogenous the Jewish communities are, the two Jews three opinions thing really isn’t a joke. Women and men study Torah from a very young age and Torah study is marked by very fierce debate and discussion so we are used to back and forth arguing about everything under the sun.

anyway this has basically turned into a stream of consciousness and I don’t have time to really edit , oops! In my personal opinion, I would love to see more Orthodox Jewesses like Ruchy frieier engaged in politics, I think our voices are vastly underrepresented, on a community and wider level. I think there are some barriers to orthodox female engagement, but I’ve also seen with the advent of X and instagram and other social media that women are bringing change, and our voices are getting louder.

And now I have to go prep Shabbat! I’m please Gd making challah this week, so need to get my skates on!

Thank you @EllaDisenchanted - that's very interesting. Sorry to have eaten in to your Shabbat prep! Hope your challah turns out great.

No problem at all. Challahs are done and look delish 😋

My husband wears shirts (not neccessarily white) and black/navy/charcoal trousers. And jackets and ties for formal occasions. (He is a Rabbi). Also jumpers in the winter. Even when working from home he is attending synagoue at least twice a day, probably meeitng people etc.

He will wear more casual clothing like chinos and tshirts for hiking.

My kids wear tshirts/ jeans and school uniform until they hit bar mitzva age when they start wearing white shirts/black trousers. Most people buy them from m&s or next or Asda school uniform section, they are not from a special shop or anything.

I think its very very difficult and time consuming to get involved in politics. I know of a few Orthodox men who have (Al Gore's running mate Joe Lieberman is an Orthodox Jew) but most orthodox women are busy with big families etc. If they do want to get involved in the wider ocmmunity there are plenty of things within the Jewish community to get involved with.

The former president of Israel has an ultra-Orthodox woman assistant, she has lots of kids. That is really unusual though.

https://foreignpolicy.com/2021/07/18/israel-orthodox-haredi-women-rivka-ravitz-break-glass-ceiling-ultraorthodox-politics/

For an example of someone who gets involved in the community, google Ita Symons.

Other women might get involved in running schools, synagogues, charities to help people in all sorts of ways.

yum. those look great. I also prefer my challa with no toppings.

I’ve spent hours and hours this weekend reading the 2 previous Jewish AMA threads and this one. Thank you so much for being so open, it’s really enlightening and for a lot of people like myself, it’s so rare to have an opportunity to ask the questions that we might have about Jewish life.

I have a couple of questions, if you don’t mind, I hope they’re not offensive.

1. I watched the Peter Santanello YT videos earlier. Would you say that the Shabbos meal that Peter attended is a good representation of most ultra Orthodox Shabbos meals? - everyone was much more open with Peter than what I would’ve expected having read the threads here (I guess I would’ve expected the lady to be more reserved based on what I’ve read, maybe that wasn’t the case because her husband was present?). The lady host was also dressed a little differently to what I would’ve expected.

2. what are the customs with inviting people to Shabbos meal? ie do entire families get invited? eg Brother and his DW and DC or Is it more common to invite people who may not be hosting their own Shabbos meal e.g a single Brother or a widowed MIL or a friend who is in town visiting for a short period? And logistically I guess you can only invite someone who’s walking distance, so you wouldn’t invite someone who lives the other side of the city for example?

3. For people who work Monday - Friday, does it feel like you never really have any time to ‘get things done’ (life admin / food shop / days out with the kids) if you’re busy with work through the week, busy hosting and observing Shabbat Friday and Saturday so you only get Sunday to do anything else that needs to be done. Does Sunday end up being quite a busy day? Are there any community or family traditions for what’s done on Sundays?

4. I think that I understand the importance of Shabbat to Jews, it’s really wonderful that every week you get to switch off from technology and use the time to connect with god and your family and friends, but doesn’t it get a bit tiring doing this every week? - the amount of effort that goes into the food preparation doesn’t sound far off what I do for a Christmas dinner and I truly wouldn’t want to have to do that every week (I guess it get expensive too, especially if regularly hosting). Also I’m an introvert so the regular socialising with the community and hosting dinner for people other than just my DH and DC would be quite draining for me.

Hi,

1. I've watched Peter Santinello's youtube of the American Hassidic Shabbos meal too. He's done a great job of capturing the warm atmosphere and vibe of a Shabbos Friday night dinner.
   The home that he visited is obviously materialistically well off, in most homes the decor/menu will be varied depending on budget and for most people definitely isn't as extravagant.
   The woman's dress was in-line with orthodox guidelines ie. her knees, elbows, collar bone and hair were covered. Although her style was fashionable and trendy, she was modest and non-provocative. Orthodoxy in general encourages women to dress tastefully within the guidelines above.
   In some streams of ultra-orthodoxy, especially ultra-hassidic, ladies are encouraged to dress more conservatively so you wouldn't find them wearing the same style as "Shterny" (I think that was her name?).

2. Some families do a lot of inviting and hosting for Shabbos meals, whilst others don't do any. There is no requirement to host if you don't fancy. Those who want to socialise and host would invite family or friends. There are some who make an effort to invite people from their synagogue or community who are single and would otherwise be eating alone. And yes obviously will have to be walking distance.

3. In my house Shabbos is the family time day. Sunday is the odd-job day and errand day. There are no customs for Sunday. Some ultra-orthodox boys schools have half day school on Sunday inorder to make up what they miss on the Friday when they finish early for Shabbos. Most Orthodox Jews will also work reduced hours on Friday inorder to have time to prepare for Shabbos, especially in the winter when Shabbos comes in as early as 3pm.

4. Without a doubt our way of life is very busy and a constant hustle especially around festival times. Although Shabbos sounds like a big undertaking, it becomes habit if you do it weekly. I do lots of batch cooking. The freezer's my friend. And fancy is not a requirement at all, you can really keep things simple. Quiet family dinner with roast chicken and potatoes for example, is a perfectly beautiful Shabbos dinner.

Hi

1. I would say that shabbat dinner in the video is a pretty typical chabad style shabbat meal, although the couple in question seem to be a pretty unusual mix of a chabad woman married to a chassidic (non chabad chassidic) man. Usually other chassidic groups are pretty inward looking, this guy is obviously not. Chabad women are not generally bought up to be reserved and quiet. (if they are supposed to be I clearly missed that memo)
2. Who you invite for shabbat depends a lot on your circles...my job involves open shabbat dinners but before I did this I would invite single people, young couples, family members. My widowed relative eats shabbat meals every week with his kids who live nearby. My parents always have lonely older single people (widows or never married people) at their shabbat dinners.
3. I do think Orthodox Jews have a LOT less free time than other people. I don't really know too many religious Jews who play golf for example. On sundays we try and do family trips like a park or beach or something but we often have work committments due to our jobs. I try not to do errands on sunday although we might do something like an ikea trip.
4. Shabbat cooking is a lot of work, although it could also be fairly simple. I haven't quite figured that out though...but thats just me. I make challah every week although bakeries sell perfectly good challah. People who don't like socialising don't invite guests.

Every year when I hear people meticulously plan their Christmas dinners complaining how tired they are, I just think.. that's just a normal Friday Night Dinner (minus the turkey!)

Thank you @Jewishbookwork , @jewishorthomum @EllaDisenchanted and other posters for this insight into your lives. I find it fascinating.

If you are happy to continue answering I would like to ask if Jewish families use NHS or private Jewish medical services. It seems that Jewish familes have to pay for everything, it's an expensive life!

I wondered how Jewish families on benefits afford to feed & clothe all their children and afford school and medical fees and somewhere to live

Hi @Interestedandcurious , I am no longer in the UK, but pretty much everyone predominantly used NHS services. There are no private Jewish Medical Insurance companies that I know of, (or if there are, that cater only to the Jewish community). Some people do have private medical insurance, but percentage wise (based on nothing but opinion!) I would hazard a guess that is probably somewhat inline with UK population norms.

Perhaps you are thinking of hatzala, the Jewish volunteer ambulance service? It's not private, it is community fund raised, and staffed by trained volunteers from the community. There are hatzala branches worldwide. I live in Israel, and both my parents are actually hatzala volunteers.

There are definitely additional costs being part of the community; Kosher food is more expensive, for example. For tuition, there are systems where you can pay according to your means. There is also a huge amount of charity giving (we are meant to give away min 10% of our income to charity as standard), and funds/free loan societies for everything you can think of, so a lot of costs are shared. For example, there is a medical equipment gemach (free loan society), years and years ago my little brother broke his leg and couldn't walk, we were able to borrow a wheelchair, things to cover his leg in the shower, and other equipment. Another example is when making a simcha (celebration), lots of friends and family will contribute help, or food, and you can borrow tablecloths, centrepieces, chairs, tables, fridges/freezers, for a nominal cost (either a deposit, or a small donation to keep things going). These are often set up in someone's memory after they pass away, as a way of continuing to do good deeds in their name. There are also numerous charitable organisations for everything you can think of; mental health support (and phone line) (e.g. JAMH, Neshomo), a lot for children with disabilities or neurodiversities (e.g. camp kef, special spirits, the friendship circle), supporting single mothers (emacare), food and groceries for families living with poverty (toimchei shabbos - they do weekly food parcels), financial assistance before the big holidays (I think toimchei shabbos as well, but there are other groups too), medical assistance/equipment/rides to hospital (ezra care). That's what I can think off the top of my head.
Gemach's can be big, or just a little thing people do from their house, e.g. a breast pump gemach might start with only a few sets, but people will hear about it and donate there set when they are finished with it, and then people only have to pay to replace the consumables.

So on one hand, costs are higher. On the other hand, community life means some of the bigger costs are shared, and their is a safety net in a lot of areas.

I can't personally tell you about how large families live on benefits; in the UK DH and I both worked. Clothes; my kids mainly wore supermarket/primark/next sale (I miss next sale!), and hand me downs. Food was a lot! I did do some cost saving things where I could (when I was working less), e.g. at one point I would buy whole chickens and cut it up; the carcasses and wings made chicken soup for friday night, the legs were also friday night's meal, the breasts were shnitzelled - another meal, and then the chicken from the wings and carcasses I froze and when I had enough I made into a pot pie, and then leftovers on Monday night. Now I still cut up the chickens, but that is preference, but I don't bother picking out bits for pot pie; not enough time. We rented for years, had a small 3 bed with 4 kids.

Hi, as @EllaDisenchanted said, majority of families use the NHS. I know that in the USA the Jewish communities there have their own medical insurance options, but that's America where medical insurance is a necessity.
Here in the UK, that's not the case, and I think orthodox Jews sign up for private medical insurance just as much as the general population.

Families on benefits would be living simply. Basic second hand car, small houses, budgeting as best as they can etc. School fees might be subsidised and community charity can help out those who are struggling with food costs. There are local organisations giving away free second hand kids clothing and I know of a local charity offering kids shoes at cost price.
I think that this constant give and take in the community is the only way that those struggling get by.

Thank you both, the degree to which the Jewish community supports each other is quite something

If god is all-powerful, all-knowing and everything is divine will why do evil people commit appalling acts? If free will exists is god then not all powerful, if it does not does that mean god is actually pretty cruel?

Hi @WhatWhereWho, I recognise your username and I'm skeptical that you're asking in good faith. But I'll attempt to answer anyway.

God created a world where us humans have the space to choose good or bad. We are faced with constant opportunities daily to exercise our free will. In fact Jewish philosophy believes that the very purpose of us being in this world is in for us to grow and become better, stronger people through the choices we make.

You ask how an all encompassing good God can allow for people to do evil things?
Firstly, regardless of what happens and who carries them out all things are pre-ordained by God. That's not to say that the evil-doers aren't accountable. They most certainly will get their due justice at some time, but all happenings in this world are God's doing and there is intention and purpose to it.

There was a great Jewish Rabbi called the Ramchal who wrote about these concepts in depth. He explains that God is a all good and wants to do good. He created "the world to come" aka Heaven inorder to give good to us. The way for us to access this World to come is by being rewarded for our good actions and choices that we do in this world.

You might ask, if God's desire is to do only good, why didn't He just put us straight into this World to come? Why did he setup the world that we have to earn it?
Because no one likes to receive underserved reward. The greatest satisfaction is when pleasures are earned and deserved. So we go through the challenges of this world inorder to become better more divine people and will then be rewarded with the World to Come.

All this is very philosophical and abstract, and Judaism doesn't focus that much on heaven/world to come. Our focus is on bringing good into this world by making positive choices, doing good deeds and connecting with God because we believe that is our purpose here and the correct way to live.

I hope I've explained the concept clearly.

Good faith - you asked people to ask questions. I do not believe in any god but am interested in why and how people do. I respect peoples right to believe if not their actual beliefs.

So god set up a system in which people suffer and carry out evil acts and then chooses to reward some -despite creating people to perform those actions and preordaining people to act as they do. For example with your explanation god knows if a man will abuse a kid because he created that man to do it and also created the situation in which the child was in. It's that in your scenario god creates the environment, the situation and the people in such a way to do it. If things are preordained there's no free will. That man was created and preordained to be an abuser. What does that say about the nature of god and how do you reconcile yourself to that? It's the same for any person of any religious faith.

Your question is how can I believe in God when all we see is a flawed world being further ruined by evil people?

Challenges and sufferings in this world happen for a few reasons
a) to strengthen a person. Going through hardships make you a stronger more wise person b) to make us more sensitive towards others c) to atone for wrongdoings d) give us opportunity to earn reward when we have faith and make good choices through our hard times.

Taking your example of an abused kid. The abuser had free choice to act on his urges or not, and will be punishable for that whether in this lifetime or once he passes.
The victim/kid had to go through the suffering of abuse for reasons we don't know. It could be the purpose to his suffering is so that when he's older he'll open up a helpline to help out others who suffer from abuse. It could be that when he does his best to live a productive life even after the abuse he's been through, he will earn reward for the world to come. We will never know the reasons. But we do know that all suffering is preordained and serves a purpose.

Personally, I find it comforting knowing that there is a reason and purpose for the happenings of this world. I'd feel so helpless if I believed that everything is random and for naught.

So @WhatWhereWho Let me ask you. If you don't believe in God, how do you explain suffering?

@jewishorthomum not a question but just wanted to say I admire how well you have answered the question that many would hesitate or shy away from.

If you don't believe in God, how do you explain suffering?

If you don't believe in God (or, at least, the kind of god with the purported qualities that create the "problem of evil"), then there's no need to explain suffering.

No my point was that if you believe in an all-powerful god then he/she/itcreates evil people to be evil. Creates them as they are with their specific personalities, outlook, desires and mindset and their actions are preordained. How is their free will then? If you are religious essentially god creates people the way they are, the situations they find themselves where they behave as they were meant to do and then punishes or rewards them evermore for what it has been decided they will do? That's illogical.

I'm not sure what you're mean to by evil people. Everyone has predetermined character traits, personality, flaws. Some of us have had the advantage of decent upbringings and some of us weren't educated right from wrong. This is planned out by God and we are not held accountable for that. This doesn't take away from the fact that we as humans all have a choice how we act.

Say for example, a serial thief spots an old lady on a park bench and intends to mug her. His free will might be whether he just grabs her bag and runs, or if he will first punch her face and then grab the bag. If he withholds the punch he will be rewarded for that because that was his point of free will.
Whereas my free will might be to own up at a till if I've been given extra change. We both have opportunities for free choice. The only difference is at what level is the debate happening.

Its hard for us to reconcile how God knows everything and has a plan but still allows us choices. God is beyond time, so although he knows how we will respond and whether we will choose good/evil, this knowledge doesn't influence the free choice that we're faced with.
So you are correct in writing that, "God creates people the way they are and the situations they find themselves..." yet He gives space for free choice. We don't get get to choose what happens to us, we can only control how we respond and that is what we are accountable for.

You view the concept of God as mostly evil, setting us up for failure. Whereas I see it as God setting my life up perfectly suited for me. The challenges I face, my family, my given personality and struggles are all tailor-made for my growth.