I'm an Orthodox Jewish Woman, ask me anything.

[Jewishbookwork]

On the thread @Israelilefty started, people were asking about Orthodox Judaism. So I am starting (another) one here. Other Orthodox Jewish women are welcome to answer too, so we have more of a range of answers.

I am Chabad Chasidic, we are very religious - I wear a wig, my husband wears black and white and we have lots of books in hebrew in our house.

This. I fully agree

Does marrying out mean you have left the faith in Judaism?

@FrumSH God forbid if your child said their rabbi/teacher had molested them would you report it to (secular) police?

Not every jewish person has had the same experience. my DH had a Jewish girlfriend and that girlfriend's mum told him- you are christian because your mum is christian as she is a convert'. This is in spite of the fact that my DH's mum converted via the london beit din and has been observant while that woman wasn't even observant.

you wouldn't consider me jewish but at the same time, my DH doesn't really want to be a second class citizen in his own community and would rather join the wider world where he isn't treated as one. There must be a lot of 'frum' jewish people who have DH's experience- children of converts or baalei teshuva or just people who don't fit the mould. They could stay single or they could find someone who loves them for who they are (jewish or otherwise).

You don't know if your child would struggle to find a jewish person who is suitable. Our jewish community here isn't exactly very large. If you wanted a guarantee that your child would marry a jewish person, maybe encourage them to make aliyah (with all the pros and cons of that!)

for orthodox jews yes. For reform and liberal no as the community embraces the non Jewish partner.

But this is why mainstream orthodox(united synagogue) has a shrinking membership. There are a lot of jewish people here who belong to orthodox synagogues but are otherwise not very observant- they dont keep strict kosher and they only go to synagogue on the high holy days. We wouldn't call them orthodox, some people call them 'traditional'. Their kids go to university and have regular jobs and friends outside the jewish community. They are very likely to marry out.

the ultra-orthodox do, due to the birthrate. MO and traditional continue to decline. Reform is steady but not because reform jews aren't leaving, its cos they absorb ex orthodox jews (and new converts like me). Conversion has exploded. Like a lesbian member of my synagogue quipped, she grew up in an orthodox shul but if she had stayed, she would have had to leave her whole family at the door.

https://www.jpr.org.uk/reports/synagogue-membership-united-kingdom-2016

Critically, the sector that has declined most sharply is central Orthodoxy – broadly understood as the United Synagogue, the Federation and various independent modern Orthodox synagogues dotted around the country – which collectively have seen a 37% drop since 1990. This decline is partly due to disaffection, but it has also been driven considerably by natural decrease – more members dying than being born.

In contrast, membership of strictly Orthodox synagogues is growing. Indeed, it has grown dramatically over time – by 139% since 1990. A generation ago, the strictly Orthodox comprised 4.5% of all synagogue members households; today they comprise 13.5%. This growth is driven almost exclusively by demographic forces – particularly, high birth rates in this sector of the community.

Taken as a whole, Liberal, Reform and Masorti figures have been fairly stable over time. Liberal and Reform have both declined slightly since 1990, whereas Masorti has grown, albeit from a lower base. But this overall picture of stability is somewhat misleading: in reality, Liberal and Reform synagogues are both losing members at a similar rate to the central Orthodox ones, but unlike those central Orthodox ones, they are also attracting members from their religious ‘right’ to offset those losses.

I think the ultra-orthodox will experience a lot of changes in the next 10 years. They will form the dominant force within orthodoxy as the more moderate orthodox die off or their members leave or become more secular.

The changes are already happening in Israel, simply because it is existential in Israel as the state cannot support so many learners and fund a world class military at the same time. More men would enter the secular workplace and be exposed to the wider world. In addition, the worldwide housing crisis makes it even more important to earn a living. I think in the end esp with cuts to benefits and cost of living increasing, the haredim in the UK would follow the same route.

Friend a realtor in NYC has handled leases and sales for orthodox families whose families are large one client had 14 children. There's a high percentage of learners in the male population. In the community, the wives work a lot of them in kosher businesses and raise the children . My friend being a feminist used to be outraged on the women's behalf.

Fast forward to the Chinese influx wanting to live in NYC the Chinese women are too submissive to their husbands she complains.

You can't as an outsider see the whole culture you only get glimpses which is why threads like this one are so good.

I should say one brother is happily married my SIL is Chinese and they live in China .

Another brother also happily married my SIL is Indian.

Both brothers say that we've got an awful lot wrong in Western culture.

My parents did not grow up religious and I wasn't treated badly in my community. Most of my peers in my Chabad community came from similar backgrounds. But I have heard this is more of an issue in other communities.

I have seen that awful attitude to converts from non-religious but tradtional Jews. it just comes from ignorance. A convert (who has converted according to halacha) is just as much a Jew as other Jews.

There is one specific community (Syrian Jews, especially the NY based community) who do not accept converts (or children of converts) in their community but they get a ton of flack for it from other Jewish communities. They have a very specific reason for that edict.

What is the specific edict for not accepting reverts?

@Offthepath from what I've read many women feel the kollel expectation has made men lazy and denounce financial responsibility for his family, and everything falls onto the women. @literaryloveaffair I read that in 10 years or something similar the Strictly Orthodox will make up approx 15% of the UKs Jewish population. The high birth rates coupled with higher poverty rates, lack of education (particularly for boys), and community specific health issues means this really doesn't bode well. Something needs to be done higher up to allow them more freedom to improve their lifestyle.

Many years ago one of my colleagues had a Jewish GF, he converted to Judaism.and then they got married. Are you saying that, even though he converted, he wouldn't have been accepted as being Jewish by the community?

It's common for converts to have a Jewish romantic partner, but you would be assessed to see if you are converting for your partner and not for yourself. Orthodox converts have to be rejected 3 times and live with an orthodox family for 6 months at least. For my liberal conversion, I had multiple interviews and had to write essays on why I wanted to convert and also write a thesis on a topic relating to Judaism and learn Hebrew and go to weekly classes on Judaism. It is expensive as well.

I feel like no one would do this for a 30 minute wedding ceremony.

My MIL did tell me that (as someone who has been through the process) she thought that if I went down the orthodox conversion route, it wouldn't really be possible cos my DH was pretty much atheist by that point.

So in a sense if I wanted to convert orthodox I probably would have to divorce dh which I wasn't prepared to do. I mean even my female reform rabbi asked what I would do if dh brought in a bacon sandwich lol.

It is one thing for a born religious Jewish person to be with a secular Jewish person but as a newly minted orthodox convert to be married to a atheist Jewish person, that is just setting yourself up for failure.

On a serious note, what would you do if he brought home bacon? Would this bother you?

It doesn't bother me. He doesn't though cos he is trying to eat vegetarian food at home but that is for eco reasons.

Liberal Judaism doesn't make kashrut mandatory but calls on us to consider the implications of what we eat. In practice many people do stay away from pork.

If it's not too personal, what would being Jewish mean in practical terms for your dc? Their father is atheist and their DM is a liberal convert. As a liberal what are you required to do/not do?

I would take them to synagogue and to religion school. Maybe non orthodox Jewish school like akiva or jcoss. I already observe all the festivals with MIL and we go to MIL's all the time for shabbat meals. DH is usually there for the shabbat meals and he goes to synagogue when a particular rabbi he likes is giving a sermon, less so for the pesach sedar and rosh hashanah. I fast for yom kippur, he doesn't. I don't eat wheat and other grains during pesach, he doesn't observe it. MIL is very happy that her son is getting some Judaism in his system through the synagogue.

Liberal Jews-- we are a real mix. What we share however is a commitment to the ethical principles of Judaism and the belief that Judaism is constantly evolving and adapting to its times.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/judaism/subdivisions/liberal1.shtml

What is it like being a childless woman in an Orthodox Jewish community?

It can be very hard and painful. I know someone who is going through it. She uses her platforms to spread awareness about infertility and shares openly what it’s like for her as an orthodox Jewish woman struggling with infertility. I’ve put a link to a couple of her posts with her own words of how she feels going through it and how she deals with it.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CwPc7h2NEdV/?igsh=MzBsY2RuNTV3Z3Zr

https://www.instagram.com/p/CxwNJxjttay/?igsh=MWxnOXNhdGV5OGswag==

On woman's hour years ago stories were shared of infertility in the community. One reason was because the women ovulated early in their cycle they missed the window of opportunity. BBC radio 4 spoke to women, men, rabbis. It was so sad .

I struggle with fertility and i find it hard even though i am not orthodox. I live in London and most people my age who are not jewish ( i am 31) don't have children so people don't really ask.

However, everyone who I know is Jewish often asks when are the kids coming and my SIL even told me she has been waiting for my baby for years. my DH was given 'advice' by his sister that having a baby means lots of debt but it should all work out eventually. tbh that is probably not a jewish thing but i do know jewish people would prioritize having children over a lot of things.

I also follow Tamar @KimberleyClark . I also follow Sonya's Prep, she was married for 7 years before having dc, she now has 2 sets of twins and 2 singletons born very close to each other. She works full time too, no idea how she does it.