I'm an Orthodox Jewish Woman, ask me anything.

[Jewishbookwork]

On the thread @Israelilefty started, people were asking about Orthodox Judaism. So I am starting (another) one here. Other Orthodox Jewish women are welcome to answer too, so we have more of a range of answers.

I am Chabad Chasidic, we are very religious - I wear a wig, my husband wears black and white and we have lots of books in hebrew in our house.

If one of your children fell in love with and wanted to marry someone outside of your faith in the future would you disown that adult child? I ask because this happened to my grandmother a few decades ago. Wondered if such things still happen.

No, that doesn't happen as much any more, and I wouldn't do that.

I would absolutely be very sad though.

How would you react if one of your kids said they did not believe anymore?

My DH's mum is an orthodox convert and she is very religious to the point she sent her kids to chabad schools. 3 out of 4 of her children no longer keep shabbat and the last one is now with a guy who uses his phone on shabbat so probably in a few years no one would keep shabbat except MIL. One of her daughters even told me that she wouldn't keep yom kippur going forwaed

DH theoretically married out but I converted later on. He went to a chabad primary school. I feel the only reason why his sisters married Jewish people was cos they made aliyah but they coupled up with relatively irreligious Jewish people. If they leave Israel, I don't think their kids would marry Jewish people as there would be too much mixing outside the community given their lifestyles.. For a start they wouldn't be able to afford Jewish school in the USA.

It's strange but 20 years ago you would classify them all as very frum!

I would still love and accept them. They would still be my kid.

Thanks for your honesty. I'm assuming you are from SH from your username? Anyway, I've watched quite a few documentaries/interviews from people who have been disowned due to wanting to be less ultra orthodox, but still observant. It seems quite apparent that the shunning/cutting off is counterproductive and pushes them further away. Do you not think a wiser approach would be to keep them 'within the fold' so perhaps you can have a good influence and the partner can see the goodness in the faith and community? In this way the chances of their dc being raised religious would be higher.

Hang on, if you’re a liberal Jew this is the worst that can happen, marrying out? Surely if you’re a woman then the religion carries through the mother so…

I’ve known of at least 3 liberal Jewish men of DM’s age and older who’ve married out. One, is a daughter of a couple and said things were good until her Jewish father died young, then either his family didn’t really want contact with her non Jewish mother or the mother felt shunned in some way. The other men stayed in touch with their families but probably disapproval. What can you do if you love someone of a different faith though and they don’t want to convert or your husband isn’t that observant as a liberal Jew.

I love my children so much I can't imagine loving my God more.

My mother was shunned for a time because she married outside the RC church. Even after I was born my grandmother brought a priest across from Ireland telling her to leave my father and her baby (me) and come home.

It's hard to believe now.

You remind me of someone from the previous AMA threads.

I would not disown my child for marrying out. It would be exceptionally painful for me that they are no longer religious, and their descendants may not even be Jewish, but my child is my child, and I love them.

This.

Thank you for answering. Am glad to hear that. It caused so much unnecessary heartache for so many people in my family.

@FrumSH What on earth?

This is where the line is crossed from having a ‘healthy faith’ to ‘religion has a lot to answer for’.
The mind boggles.

@FrumSH Disowning your kids because they marry out of the Jewish nation does nothing to show for your love to God.
Shunning your child for leaving Judaism shows that you personally can't handle the disappointment and are perhaps only willing to love your child on your terms. It has very little to do with loving God.

Nowadays, Jewish educators in all communities are promoting unconditional love and acceptance even when (and especially when) children aren't following the Jewish faith they were brought up with.

I agree completely

Name changed, formerly religious Jewish woman here. There is a huge range of family responses when a child goes "off the path" - the whole range from completely cutting off the child, to warm acceptance. It very much depends on the family. Also formerly religious people have to make choices about how much they accommodate their families - how they dress when attending family events for example.

Thanks for this. Can I ask why you went OTD and how your family handled it?

Does marrying out mean they have left the faith? I thought a Jewish woman can marry a non jew and the religion is passed on through her?

My family? Wonderful. I'm one of the lucky ones.
Why? Long & complicated. Not trying to derail the thread, but replying since I was asked. Mostly, lack of belief, learning about other religions and realising how similar Judaism is to many other religions, learning about the origins of religion.
Plus an awful marriage (now divorced, whoop!) and the years of grinding stress of supporting a family (my ex learned full time, had no job and barely helped at home) plus having a bunch of young kids and multiple miscarriages & general exhaustion. I'm actually a great cook, but I ended up hating Shabbos.
I did have difficulty separating the two - was I just having a crap time so resenting religion (but I would have to do it still if I believed) or did I genuinely not believe? This doubt kept me acting religious a long time after I stopped believing, but in the end with a bunch of therapy I was able to say, I was both unhappy, and didn't believe, and did something about both sides of the problem.
My kids still go to religious schools btw, and I "behave" in public, for their sake. But that's a whole nother complicated story.
Please nobody try to mekarev me (hamavin yevin). I heard it already.

@Offthepath Dw, no-one will be mekarev you here😉@FrumSH will make sure of that. Congratulations on your divorce!

So a child of yours marrying for love outside of your chosen faith, the same faith your forced them to grow up in, is the same a that same child carrying multiple murders or rapes?

Are you really saying that, in your heart and in your head, they are the same?

If you are then I suggest you re-read the scriptures and talk to your rabbi.

For goodness sake @FrumSH, you strongly remind me of JeweyJew. As I said on the last thread, yes, there are heinous things that they could do that would cross the line in irreparable ways. I hope never ever to be in that excruciating position, as all normal parents (Jewish/not Jewish) do. No, to me marrying out is not the same. It would be heartbreaking for me and I would be devastated, but just like @jewishorthomum and @Jewishbookwork I would still love them, fully, and my home would still be their home. I also believe in keeping the path back open for them if they ever want to come back. I believe in Hashem as a loving Father, it doesn't sound like you do.

@Offthepath it sounds like you have had a hellish time, thank G-d you are out of your marriage ❤