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AMA

Hello, I'm a TRA - ask me anything

1000 replies

AlphaTransWoman · 14/10/2023 22:25

Good evening,

I'm a transgender rights advocate. I say "advocate" rather than "activist" because I believe in constructive debate and consensus building rather than the hostile, shouty kind of activism that gets us nowhere.

I am here because I am genuinely interested in seeing if there is some kind of compromise that can be reached between pro trans and gender critical views. Obviously this is difficult because we may disagree about something pretty fundamental. I feel passionately that trans women are women (at least in the psychological and social sense), so there's an obvious divide if you do not.

The question is, can we find ways to co-exist and find an acceptable way forward on some of the difficult issues that arise around trans acceptance? So I'm happy to have a go answering anything you care to ask in good faith. Who knows, we might even make some progress.

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 15/10/2023 18:58

TheOccasionalFag · 15/10/2023 18:57

And FYI, I don't particularly like what I see in the mirror either.

But as I'm a grown fucking adult, I suck it up and get on my life. Thankful that I'm healthy and free.

God I WISH I could identify out of being a woman, but as I have a grip on reality I know this is just a wish and it's never going to happen.

So I make do. I suggest you do the same. Like the rest of us.

You're not special.

You're like everyone else.

Well said.

Brefugee · 15/10/2023 18:59

AlphaTransWoman · 15/10/2023 17:53

Well obviously, hair, clothes and makeup have all be significant factors in my transition. And they do make me feel a bit better about myself when I look in the mirror, that is true.

I've also changed my name etc (felt weird at first), had a lot of laser hair removal (ouch, but worth it) and am now taking hormones. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have a real set of breasts if you've lived for several decades without one.

I think the best thing was the clothes. Walking into the office for the first time wearing a woman's suit and blouse made me feel amazing, liberated and powerful. Everyone was commenting on how wonderful I looked.

So yes, I felt a LOT better about myself when I transitioned.

i don't do any hair removal because i am a lazy mare.

Are your colleagues male or female? They were being kind.

I have spent a lot of my working life in boots, covered in mud and schlepping a rifle around. What with my short hair and lack of make up, perhaps i am a man?

ThereIbledit · 15/10/2023 19:07

Awards dedicated to women, along with all-women shortlists and quotas for women on corporate boards, exist because women tend to have low self-esteem and doubt their own abilities. They therefore lack the confidence to compete with men on a level playing field.

I have a lot of respect for you based on a lot of the things that you have said in this thread, and then you go and throw something like this in that absolutely 100% proves that you don't get what a woman's experience of life is at all. I'm using the biological definition of the word, because to me that's all a woman is.

All women awards and shortlists do not exist because we have low self-esteem and lack confidence - That is hideously offensive! They exist because of everyday and endemic sexism which disadvantages women. They exist because if they didn't men would get all the awards. They exist because women hit the glass income and promotion ceiling, because we are the ones who have to take time off to give birth, and recover, and tend to do the child raising. They exist because a huge number of men take us less seriously. They exist because even women have absorbed patriarchy BS and tend to see men as more worth of the awards than us.

How can we get along with each other and meet everybody's needs, given that we have such different perspectives on the nature of sex and gender?

I respect you, and want you to have the right and ability to get on with your life safely as much as I want it for myself. I do think that we need to move forwards together not in opposition, and I'm grateful that you are reaching out. To me, in order to do that, I need you to acknowledge that there is a difference between sex and gender identity, and that the sex based definition of woman is vitally important when it comes to matters of women's safety and equity. Campaign for another word for feeling feminine - I'll happy call you femme, feminine, or any new made up word you like - because women's rights don't exist if we don't have a word to call adult human females.

I do, however, believe there are fundamental differences between the sexes, arising from the evolutionary roles of males as hunters and warriors and women as caregivers.

This gendered division of labour has existed for thousands of years in the vast majority of societies in the world, and I believe this is partly due to innate differences in the ways in which mean and women think.

It’s a sex based division of labour/stereotypes/societal structures/plain old misogyny. I strongly suspect that these have disadvantaged women for as long as they have existed. Stereotypical differences in the way women and men act have some basis in biology and some in sociology. None of which is evidence for a gendered brain; just because a biological female doesn't feel motherly, or wants to go shooting and fishing at weekends, doesn't make her brain any less female. It just means that she is at the tail of the bell curve of typical behaviours observed in women.

I can't tell whether you are a man, a woman or non binary.

I’m sorry but I think this is plainly nonsense. You can tell the difference between the sexes of the vast majority of people who you meet. You can’t see gender identity, but do you understand that being a woman is a matter of biological sex and nothing to do with how we feel in the head, for the vast majority of us here on mumsnet? Follow up question, do you acknowledge and respect that the majority of women here don't have a gender identity, we go purely based on our sex?

I think sex is largely a state of mind, yes.
I'm a woman and that's just how it is. I'm sorry you can't see that.

You think that sex is a mostly a state of mind, yet you are attracted exclusively to the female sexed body, have I got that right?

SirChenjins · 15/10/2023 19:35

Kernackered · 15/10/2023 18:13

Set? SET????? Is he collecting? Show me a women anywhere anytime who calls her breasts a SET? One? One SET? How many sets can you have?

I have multiple sets that I don depending on what type of woman I feel I am that day. They veer from a coquettish DD, to a serious business woman B that I wear with a pair of glasses to add gravitas, to a bra off and jammies on F, and everything in between (.) (.)

WallaceinAnderland · 15/10/2023 19:46

OP has obviously retained his penis. It's amazing how that seems a step too far for most transwomen. They don't want to commit, just take the bits they like which is, remind me again, oh yes Hair, Clothes and Makeup.

It's so superficial. Completely oblivious to the fact that the poor men and women at work are going along with the facade through sheer terror of losing their jobs.

When you find time to let us know about your pretend campaign for third spaces OP, you might like to also campaign for men to be able to wear a blouse without having to convince the world he's changed sex.

forgotmyusername1 · 15/10/2023 19:52

If you are a lesbian transwoman would you have sexual relations with another pre op transwoman? If not why not?

AFieldGuideToTrees · 15/10/2023 19:53

forgotmyusername1 · 15/10/2023 19:52

If you are a lesbian transwoman would you have sexual relations with another pre op transwoman? If not why not?

Oh, good question!

You're both women. You're both lesbians.

So the answer must be yes, surely.

Melissamelisante · 15/10/2023 20:02

So, what was it about the gendered soul that attracted you to have sex with another trans identifying pre-op male??? You didn't? Well, blow me down with a feather.

GodDammitCecil · 15/10/2023 20:22

Why are they always, always ‘lesbians’?!

’Oh yes please - we really want to open up our single-sex space to male-bodied people with penises who are sexually attracted us - here’s the red carpet for you….!’

Fucking:NOT….. 🙄

Annoyingfly · 15/10/2023 20:50

GodDammitCecil · 15/10/2023 20:22

Why are they always, always ‘lesbians’?!

’Oh yes please - we really want to open up our single-sex space to male-bodied people with penises who are sexually attracted us - here’s the red carpet for you….!’

Fucking:NOT….. 🙄

They're not. HTH. Not that I feel like helping you.

FatCatatPaddingtonStation · 15/10/2023 20:51

@AlphaTransWoman

i am in a same sex relationship. My wife is a woman, would have been called ‘butch’ in the old days - often mistaken for a man, has a career in a traditional ‘men’s’ job, competitive etc. She is a woman and proud to be so.

Our daughter is constantly mistaken for a boy, she has opted for short hair and prefers boys clothes as they are more practical, comfortable and more suited to her outdoorsy, physical ‘typical boy’ interests. She is bold, loud, competitive, brave - she is awesome. Most of her friends are boys.

My son is pretty effeminate. He liked dresses etc as a little one but chooses not to now, sadly, probably as you say to fit into gender norms. However, he does care hugely about his image and clothes, wears make up for nights out etc. He likes dancing, acting, reading. And quiet indoor activities. He is gentle, cautious, not physically brave or outdoorsy- and also awesome.

They can be whatever they want in terms of how they look, dress, personality, interests, jobs , anything. They know that the concept of male and female interests / personality traits etc are societal norms and are bollocks. But they also know that he is biologically male and she is biologically female and the differences with these and that they have NO bearing on the choices they make as people.

it seems to me, by your reasoning, they are both transgender. My question is this: if you had been given the support and confidence that you could be anything you wanted to be, and that gender stereotypes were a social construct, and you understood this as a young child….if there were no issues with you wearing pink/dresses/makeup etc - do you think you would still be trans? Or do you think you would have felt able to accept your male biology knowing that you could present in any way you liked?

AlphaTransWoman · 15/10/2023 21:01

forgotmyusername1 · 15/10/2023 19:52

If you are a lesbian transwoman would you have sexual relations with another pre op transwoman? If not why not?

That's a highly theoretical question because I'm happily married.

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 15/10/2023 21:02

AlphaTransWoman · 15/10/2023 21:01

That's a highly theoretical question because I'm happily married.

Does your partner consider themselves trans?

MrsOvertonsWindow · 15/10/2023 21:07

So many fascinating posts. The increasing outrage from women is becoming louder as we finally fight back at the unbelievable claim that the sex class of women now includes men - just because they demand it.

Claiming that sex isn't binary is a complete nonsense - a conspiracy theory, flat earthism and deeply offensive. Trans activist groups are massively wealthy with excessive influence on society - all without democratic consent. It's long overdue for them to withdraw from this assault on women and child safeguarding and to start working for 3rd spaces and putting their ideas up for democratic debate. Hopefully the OP can contribute to that.

StarlightLime · 15/10/2023 21:09

Oh, and another one; did you transition before or after your marriage, op?

AlphaTransWoman · 15/10/2023 21:12

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry but I'm not comfortable answering any questions about my wife in order to protect her privacy. Suffice it to say she is a wonderful person and we love each other dearly.

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 15/10/2023 21:16

AlphaTransWoman · 15/10/2023 21:01

That's a highly theoretical question because I'm happily married.

Well, blow me down - you’re a heterosexual man who likes to dress as a woman. 18 pages of word salad and factually inaccurate claims about science from you in just to get to the simple truth.

StarlightLime · 15/10/2023 21:17

So much for Ask Me Anything! 🤣🤣🤣

countrypunk · 15/10/2023 21:23

Will you show your wife this thread? I hope so.

GodDammitCecil · 15/10/2023 21:24

Annoyingfly · 15/10/2023 20:50

They're not. HTH. Not that I feel like helping you.

Then don’t.

Terfosaurus · 15/10/2023 21:30

@AlphaTransWoman did you have to pay for the laser hair removal? Or did the NHS cover it?

GodDammitCecil · 15/10/2023 21:35

Women are not hairless……..?

TheIsaacs · 15/10/2023 21:36

Do you consider yourself a true feminist? Do you think that women deserve to be thought of as strong, determined and ambitious or do you think it’s ok that you stereotype women as nurturing, caring and emotional only? Because a true woman knows we’re all of those things and so are men.

AlphaTransWoman · 15/10/2023 21:39

Terfosaurus · 15/10/2023 21:30

@AlphaTransWoman did you have to pay for the laser hair removal? Or did the NHS cover it?

As it happens I just mentioned this on another thread. I paid for my own.

I'm sympathetic with the idea of people on low incomes, whether trans or not, getting help with this kind of thing. But given the current state of NHS resources, I think anyone who can afford to pay for it themselves should do so.

OP posts:
AlphaTransWoman · 15/10/2023 21:43

TheIsaacs · 15/10/2023 21:36

Do you consider yourself a true feminist? Do you think that women deserve to be thought of as strong, determined and ambitious or do you think it’s ok that you stereotype women as nurturing, caring and emotional only? Because a true woman knows we’re all of those things and so are men.

That's an interesting question, thank you.

I'm not sure if I would classify myself as a "feminist" or not. I don't think that feminism is incompatible with believing in some innate differences between male and female behaviours, so long as feminine traits are valued just as much as masculine ones.

Overall, if a feminist is someone who values and admires women, then yes, count me in!

OP posts:
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