I'm an alcoholic - AMA

[RedRedWhiney]

Thought this might be a good thread for anyone questioning their drinking or has loved ones with alcohol problems.
I'm in the care of the drug and alcohol support services, I'm also a professional woman holding down a good job.

So ask away...

A constantly upset tummy. I have diarrhoea every morning (sorry if that's TMI)

I have awful diarrhoea the morning after I've drunk too much. Embarrassingly so. @RedRedWhiney it's not TMI. Thank you for your honesty.

Hi, I have a question about someone close to me. I've never been a drinker, so I don't know what is normal, but ..... He goes to the pub 4-5 times per week. Every work leaving do or social gathering, he's last to leave. Has had several accidents, resulting in broken bones and hospitalisations, after drinking, in past few years. Says he is 'unlucky'. His mother is the same. They drink together. If he has one glass of anything, he can't stop. It gets so that he doesn't know what he's drinking anymore, but can't stop. Has been on two or three day sessions at times. I have met him after a work meet and greet, only about 6 pm, where everyone else is leaving after one glass of wine, and he has reeled out, drunk, and then proceeded to keep drinking for two days afterwards. He has joined an online Zoom quiz with colleagues, everyone having a glass of something at the start, and after it ends, carried on drinking all night, alone. He has gone away with his girlfriend to a hotel, and left her in the room alone at night, to go downstairs and get drunk in the bar by himself.

Is this person an alcoholic?! Now I'm writing it down, it seems an odd question. He claims there is nothing wrong. Which of these is the worst of the indicators?

After an accident he had while drunk, she took him to his GP, and was given a form to fill in, asking about drinking habits. Him being hurt, and in effort to get help, she filled it out for him, honestly, and took it to the reception desk to hand in. He got out of the wheelchair and, with a broken arm, asked for it back, and corrected it, so that her honest answers were replaced by his, well, lies about his drinking. It was this story that made me think, I don't know if all drinkers want to stop. I think maybe he is enjoying himself.

Do you think this person sounds like he has a problem? If he won't acknowledge it, what can anyone do?

If someone has an addictive tnedency, would you be wary of getting more involved? Might they turn to gambling?

I know quite a few people like the man you describe, Esther. All men in their 40s and 50s.

IME you can’t do anything to help them, they either drink themselves to a lonely grave or something terrible happens to jolt them out (eg death of a close family member). They often seem to replace one addictive behaviour with another but as long as it’s a healthy one (eg sport/gym) it’s not always bad. I find this sort of alcoholism is often comorbid with being a workaholic, as in they convince themselves the alcholism isn’t a problem because they are beyond ‘functional’ at work (often quite high flying).

Interested to hear of anyone has any ideas re: intervening in an addiction that the addict doesn’t want to stop, as it’s horrible to witness a loved one in this state.

Goodness, that describes him almost perfectly! Thank you for your insight. It would be interesting to hear from anyone who had intervened with people who do not want to stop. My friend tried, as I said, to fill in the 'does your drinking affect you' form for him at the Drs after going there with an alcohol-induced injury, but he got back the form and changed all her answers. At that point, she gave up.

He does sound like an alcoholic yes, having no off switch is a big indicator, the denial of the issue is a big one too.
It's not what you drink or how much and when, it's what happens when you do that kind of makes the difference
You can't help people like this, there is nothing you can say or do until they acknowledge the problem themselves

Hi lovely.
A lot of what you describe does tick the boxes (literally. When they do a assessment questions like hurting yourself, being out of control etc are in it)
As to getting him help. I'm not sure I can give much advise there as I've never been in denial about my drinking, the only denial was I thought I could control it without help. But I was never defensive, the opposite I was very anxious and apologetic.
There are a lot of support groups for friends and family, maybe try looking for one of those in your area?

IME, this sort of alcoholic does not like to be challenged so if you try and communicate concern they will either start lying/hiding their drinking behaviours from you or just unceremoniously drop you from their lives!

I’ve known 4 or 5 men like this, one quit drinking when his second wife left (5 years sober now) and one of them I will be there for if he ever tries to stop, but until then it’s very low contact.
Another was found dead at home a few weeks ago. Early 50s, good job, divorced, looked great for his age etc. Will have to wait for official cause of death but if it wasn’t directly alcohol related it will have been alcohol-related depression leading to ending his own life. It’s tragic really (luckily no kids to leave behind).

This kind of chap* probably seems quite appealing in the early stages of late-in-life dating - successful at work, sociable, financially generous, laid back etc.

The problem is that underneath all the surface level ‘fun’ is an addiction that will always be prioritised.
It’s quite sad to witness. I don’t think they are even willing to admit that it’s an addiction, not just something they enjoy (eg someone I know laughingly describes himself as a ‘dipsomaniac’ as though he’s living in some sort of Beat Generation novel)

*perhaps there are female alcoholics that fit this mould too, I’ve only ever come across chaps like this myself but obvs I’m a sample of one!

Anyway, apologies to OP for the tangent - one thing that none of the alcoholics/recovered alcoholics on this thread have going for them
is they aren’t stuck in denial the way the chaps I know are.

Sending you all positive wishes and hope for a healthy, addiction free future

I was under MH team for years but was discharged just before Covid.
Living alone etc had me drinking to cope and it spiralled. I know I am not alone in that.
I did try and fill in a self referral form to my local alcohol support charity, but there was an issue with their website and I gave up. I don't feel strong enough to call them.

@XenoBitch you're a bit stuck then if you refuse to get help (charities / AA) then nothing will change. Harsh but true.

Keep trying to get help because as sure as apples is apples you ain't gonna magically just stop one day on your own.

And that bottle will start turning into two (or a couple of cans / gins on top) before you know it.

I know. I also know AA is a no go for me. I can't do groups, and I am very easily triggered by other people talking about their issues. It also does not help that I have had a huge falling out with someone who goes to the AA groups where I live.

I am due blood test results this week and I am certain my liver is will be complaining so I expect a call about that, even though it has been in my notes for the past year anyway.

Have you ever drunk white spirit?

@XenoBitch there are online Zoom AA meetings which will avoid the person you've fallen out with - but yes unfortunately the entire bedrock of AA is built around sharing identification with others issues.

By 'triggering' do you mean that it makes you upset / angry to listen to the troubles others have had? Or that listening to drinking stories makes you want to drink? Or something else?

It might be that you can explore / address that reaction first which might then allow you to access group based support??

I have a huge distrust of technology when it comes to Zoom etc.
I maintain my own MH by avoiding triggers, and that includes other people discussing them. Seeds get easily planted in my head. That includes talks of drinking, self harm and suicide. And if I drink, I often end up self harming.
I can avoid drink, but it if I start, I can't stop. And I know that will be a problem if I go to my GP. They will say cut down. I can't. I know it is dangerous to just stop, but that is my only option at the moment.
But I keep being tempted too. That is what I struggle with. It is a coping mechanism for me, as is self harm.

You say you can have periods when you don't drink, how long are those?

Thats to @XenoBitch

@RedRedWhiney thanks for doing this.
What does the denial feel like to you? Could you help those of us when loved ones in denial understand the way their mind is working?

Just came on to say one alternative to AA is The Alcohol Experiment.

It worked for me (over 3y sober now). The NHS sent me to rehab and the only follow up available was AA. I do have faith but found some of AA off-putting and a bit odd.

TAE is a free online programme, and worth a try. It’s much more about the psychology and science of addiction, which I found positive, empowering, and helpful.

Hello, can I ask a question about somebody close to me?

He is a friend of my dc, 20 years old, and slowly drinking himself to oblivion. What help is out there for someone who won’t discuss it, or get help, before it’s too late? He’s not working and for the last 3 weeks is drinking constantly, probably a bottle of spirits a day or sometimes cider mixed in. He won’t do anything else and only gets up to go out to buy more.

Well done you, that’s awesome.

I did Dry Jan. I have stopped if I have needed to take antibiotics. Nowadays I am aware that 3 alcohol free days is a good thing, so I aim for that.
I might be out of control when I do drink, but I am now trying to have longer gaps between those times.
I think talking about here as helped. I can read back on my posts instead of pushing it all to the back of my head.

In other news, I had my blood test results back today, and my liver is fine.

@HelloDaisy I'm sorry to say there isn't anything unless the person is willing to stop.

I watched a very good friend die as he simply refused to get any help and there was nothing that anyone could do.

One thing you could do is make sure they feel the full force of consequences so don't enable / cover for them / step in to help with practicalities.

Most sobriety stories include a 'rock bottom' which made the denial impossible. If you shield an alcoholic from the worst of their behaviour then the rock bottom takes longer.

But the thing you really have to do is attend Al Anon meetings yourself. This is a sister fellowship set up purely for friends and family or the alcoholic. They will support you whilst you come to terms with not being able to help him.

It's desperately sad I really feel for you

FusionChefGeoff thanks for your reply. Your suggestions are very helpful. I am sorry your friend died before getting help with stopping.
I have been chatting with his mum this week, trying to support her through this, so will pass your advice on to her today. I don’t think she has had any support so far so going to Al Anon would be good for the whole family. Thank you

@RedRedWhiney

Sorry to bump an old thread. I'm curious as to how you are faring? Hoping you are well.

Hi, always happy to keep this thread bumping along :)

I've mostly given up on the community support as

1. not finding it very helpful
2. it's all in work time and can't take an afternoon off every week (I can have a separate rant about this!)
3. they keep messing up my referral and sending me welcome letters and new first time appointments despite being in the service for over 6 months....

Practical steps - I discovered a spritzer that's 5% and sold by bottle. I've been drinking that instead. Instantly cutting my units down by over half. Seems small but huge step for me. I'm going through a bottle a night (no more) which in percentage terms is about 3 bottles of wine a week.

Jan was quite easy as no-one is out, and no work events. Biggest challenge will be when they start up again. But feel I'm making progress.

Wow.... essay 🤣

Good to hear from you op. Well done on the progress you are making!

I stopped on 1 jan after years and years of "problem" drinking, so i know how tough it is. Keep going!