@MurderAtTheBeautyPageant
I want NOTHING more in my life than to be normal. I hate myself for being this way (although clearly wasn't my fault). I feel guilty every day. I have been suicidal/self harmed more times than I care to admit. Losing friends/being alienated by family members and losing relationships is just the worst. I deserve to be happy too, right? But being this way, it's clear to me now, my life wasn't ever going to be easy breezy ...
... I've tried and tried over and over again to be well. I put myself into situations that create panic attacks and instead of it working like it should (desensitising) it just makes me worse.
I'm what they'd call 'a lost cause'.
If I wasn't a mother and a dog owner, I wouldn't be alive. This isn't a life, I barely exist.