I’m the aromantic asexual who’s thread was taken down and I don’t even know why AMA!

[IWillFindYou]

So I posted it, checked day later no questions, next thing it’s gone.
I have no idea what happened or was said.

So, let’s do this again.

@Wotwhywhen if the golden girls had wanted to fuck each other, that would have been romantic. Romantic=sexual attraction + friendship. There isn't a third feeling that gets sprinkled on top of that. Sorry I thought that was clear - I agree with you, platonic friendships exist. You can also I suppose be sexually attracted to someone you don't feel friendship for (as many men will attest). Feeling "romantic" towards someone just means you like them as people and want to watch telly with them and go on walks but you also want to have sex with them sometimes too.

There’s a few posters on here who should start their own thread along the lines of “I’m a nasty piece of work AMA”

Sorry you’re getting these nasty comments op, it’s been interesting reading your thread - I had no idea about asexuality or aromanticism.

Feeling "romantic" towards someone just means you like them as people and want to watch telly with them and go on walks but you also want to have sex with them sometimes too.

So if someone wanted everything a relationship brings except the romantic dating and sex bits...
They'd be asexual / aromantic..
Glad we cleared that up.

I was only prickly to the OP because I’m surrounded by Demiromantic pansexual blue haired teenagers (who are ALL in boring old Herero relationships) and the whole labelling perfectly normal things makes me twitch.

But it does seem like there is an interesting discussion to be had.

I do think it’s somewhat limiting to label a negative in this way.

Do you ever police yourself? Get a tingle in your bottom about someone and then remind yourself of your identity? Because that’s the sort of thing that concerns me with all this labelling. You get wedded to it.

@WhatsAppening

‘Hello, I don’t want sex or relationships’

Erm ok then, can you just finish scanning my shopping, ta.

😆

@Franklyfrost

What do you think about the relationship between trauma and asexuality?

It’s a dangerous correlation because asexual people aren’t damaged people (it’s seems very sensible to be asexual to me, but I’m not) however the correlation exists in the literature I’ve read.

That can be, but people with trauma can also become hyper sexual.

I wouldn’t put past that the are people who can feel or believe they are asexualor just hide under the term of asexuality.
But it’s really important not jump into inclusions that asexual have trauma.
Or push peope who are survivors, and just let them heal in their on timeline.
Also there are people who are both, trauma survivors and asexuals.

Also I would add an anectode of my life here:
I have no trauma, did not grew up in religious household, my country isin’t very religious either, no one ever told me sex is wrong or anything like that. I have my libido etc….
So, I personally don’t really have any ”hinders”
that would be stopping me or explain why I am the way that I am.
So to me, it was pretty clear that I just happened to be ace.

I never get a tingle in my bottom and I resent the suggestion

@Wotwhywhen OK what on earth kind of relationship involves neither "doing stuff together" nor "sex bits"? That describes the relationship I have with my window cleaner. Therefore someone who is "asexual and aromantic" would only want transactional business relationships I guess?
All of this is so silly. There is no sense to be found here. Only navel-gazing and attention-seeking.

Hi op, you said you gave up on love, do you not love your family?
Do you have many friends? Do you love any of those?
Love comes in many forms, sometimes it’s there almost immediately some times it can take years for feelings to turn to love.
Many coupes love each other with no romance being involved at all.
Are you happy with how you are?

@peachescariad

The most uninteresting thread ever...yawn...

Why would you read and comment on it then? Wouldn't you be better off just reading threads you do find interesting and leaving this thread to folks who want to read it?

Mastubation, you mean?
Yes, asexuals can and do mastubate.
I have had many orgasms. Many.

What's going through your mind at this point?

”””””Journeyofthedragons

BouncyMonk
Do asexual people enjoy alone time, or is it a no to any sexual experience?
&

I have a sex drive. Never had any problems with that. It’s too high actually.

Asexuality is about lack of sexual atrraction, it’s not about libido

I think the elephant in the room here that many would like to know is if/how do you get off?”””””

What!!
To know in great details of how I flick the bean?
No thank you, not gonna happen!

But I did laugh out loud to this.

Sorry, I mistook this for an AMA.

@Journeyofthedragons that was the most salient question on this thread to be fair to you!

If it's not people though, then perhaps it's best left.

Why not just describe yourself as celibate?

You're not asexual, as you have a sex drive. You just don't want to have sex with anyone. That's a well-known concept and there's an old name for it: celibacy. (It also covers 'aromanticism' so it's handy,)

I find it a bit weird to use a label for yourself that by definition does not represent what you are. An asexual person would be a person without any sexual drive or sexual feelings. That's not you.

It does make it sound a bit narcissistic and navel-gazing tbh. Why create a confusing new identity for something that's been well-understood for thousands of years?

@AnneLovesGilbert

You’re quite judgemental and dismissive of people who are romantic and sexual. Do you know why that is? Do you feel a bit superior as you’re not at the mercy of your heart or loins?

I don’t think the OP is being judgmental. Defensive maybe because some posters are being really rude and insulting to her!

[quote Wroxie]@Wotwhywhen OK what on earth kind of relationship involves neither "doing stuff together" nor "sex bits"? That describes the relationship I have with my window cleaner. Therefore someone who is "asexual and aromantic" would only want transactional business relationships I guess?
All of this is so silly. There is no sense to be found here. Only navel-gazing and attention-seeking.[/quote]
And you told OP she needs to learn adult relationships...

Ok.

Imagine.. for a moment.
You have a really really good friend.
You go to the movies.
You go to dinner.
You go go carting.
You go bowling.
To the beach.
But you don't shag them after.

That is companionship...
Not romantic relationship..

Now imagine you have that with someone you live with...

Still no shagging or getting fingers moist...
No romance, no sex, but plenty of companionship.

Do you see the difference?
Friendship doesn't involve sex.
Companionship, if you will, is like a daily friend you live with.

☺️

This might be invasive, don't answer if so!
But if you don't feel sexual attraction to other people, then what do you think about when you do get yourself off? Is there just a pure focus on sensation? Have you watched porn/read erotica or is it totally uninteresting to you? Do you give yourself scenarios to imagine?

Well I found the discussion interesting, and I can't believe any M'netters really thought there wa anything wrong with feeling this way! Some people are very private and reserved and the thought of sex can certainly be icky in the abstract (people do what?!) and nobody really wants to know or imagine in any detail what others get up to, do they, apart perhaps from the porn-addled.

I think the joys of friendship are hugely under-rated and even those with amazing love lives need their close friends.

The intrusive questions about when you're going to get matched up and breed get thrown at anyone not married and pregnant by 25, it seems, but can safely be ignored. My favoured tactic to deal with nosy or prurient enquiries is a mild, "Interesting - why would you ask me that?" with eyebrows slightly elevated and head cocked about 10°. Turn it back so they have a question to answer instead. Using the word prurient, as in "Is your question just inquisitive or actually prurient?" will drive 9 out of 10 people to Google or a dictionary before they can answer, so the moment will have passed.

I guess the main problem is the label, because aromantic and aromatic are easily confused! Labels can be useful things, but please don't feel you have to succumb to the current craze for a flag to wave in parades.

And if anybody is offended by your not wanting to have sex with them or indeed anybody else, you should probably call the police because that sounds quite dangerous and rapey!

Only I have no desire for affection, companionship, sex, friends, human contact of any kind. Which, imo, is slightly different to asexual / aromantc.

This just sounds like common or garden misanthropy @Wotwhywhen

So it's like Catholic monks and nuns (except in the poster's case she is allowed to masturbate)?

@beastlyslumber

Have you investigated medically? It's very unusual not to have any sex drive, it usually kicks in sometime after puberty. There are some medical conditions and some medications that would dampen the sex drive. Do you think it would be a good idea to get it checked out?

Not really, estimated about 1% of the population are asexual. Would you suggest a gay/lesbian person 'get themselves checked out?' That's really offensive. Same to @Ihopeyourcakeisshit.

I do find it interesting how 100 years ago it would be expected for a single person to not have sex or strong romantic feelings (and certainly not act on them), now it's flipped to the complete opposite!

girljulian We can't quote people who've already quoted someone else. No quoteceptions here.

I have similar difficulty figuring out the emotional difference between platonic and romantic.

I spent way too long doing the 'what if my blue is different to your blue' but with feelings, especially love. Took me a while to figure out that's fine just like my sight isn't the same as another person's even if I sometimes need help with it. I don't need to know if my feelings of love are the same sensory-wise as anothers.

I live with 2 other adults. One I have a romantic relationship with. The other is platonic (not affectionate at all). We've all lived together for a decade, all been welcomed at family events.

The difference for me is that the platonic one, I care and want him to have all he wants in the world, the companionship is there -- but I'm not drawn to him and am not drawn to be actively part of life in the same way. We've built a life together, but when he discusses his dreams, there is no automatic pull to be part of that, I'm contented for us to be as much as mutually desired. If he wanted to travel the world, my mind wouldn't automatically go to how I'd do it with him, I wouldn't challenge him on it unless I thought it was very reckless/dangerous/wildly out of character, I'd just listen and cheer him on.

With the romantic one, I care and want him to have all the things he wants in the world - and I'm drawn to be part of that and being part of making that happen together. When we discuss dreams and goals, it's automatic that we're talking about how we can support each other to do those things. I do challenge him more as I'm drawn to figure out his thinking.

However, this "aromantic" thing is nonsense. "Romance" describes various levels of friendship mixed with sexual attraction. There isn't some magical third feeling that is added on top of that to make "romance" and that's a very childish view of adult relationships that you could do with sorting out.

Maybe it is just a different level of friendship, but I don't think any model of emotions humans have is complete or definitive. While most are better at it than me, most research in this area suggests humans are generally not that great at identifying their emotions and what causes them as we'd like to think and that there are a lot more factors in our emotions that we're usually aware of. There are risks to getting too navel gazing about it, been there, but I don't think it's automatically attention seeking or childish -- philosophers and social scientists have been digging into the wide range of emotions and variations in how their experienced & considered since ancient times.

I mean, I had that emotional draw to my now-spouse when we lived thousands of miles away from each other before we ever saw each other just from his writing. They were nice words, but there was nowt sexual about it at that point. Emotions are more complicated than imagined in many philosophies.

@BiBabbles

Thank you for responding

I'm all about looking at benefits and risks and asking odd questions

I’t that feeling that you want to have an actual relationship with other person...I guess atrraction is first, other person feels the same and it grows into a emotion.

Interesting - I generally have them the other way around - the emotion comes first as sensory information - like feeling hungry - attraction might be a label I applied to it later when I'm trying to sort out WTF is going on (sometimes I have to do that with hunger too).

I guess my next question is what is an 'actual relationship'? which comes back to romantic vs platonic or other types of love

Are types of relationships you do feel drawn towards even if not as socially 'normal' for lack of a better phrase.

The conversations on AVEN that I previously mentioned (which I haven't been to in ages, as you said such spaces can have their issues) were largely around the difference between platonic and romantic love, how people divide friends and partners. My line can look a little blurry, I've enjoyed affectionate friendships with some people, and I had to work out the differences for myself as that didn't really come naturally to me in my thoughts even though I clearly acted them out and could feel differences between people. It takes me a while to word and logic feelings things out so I overthink this (and many things) and like seeing how others think on it.

I’m so happy that you wrote more!

What you wrote first, shouldn't (not judging, I know nothing, just interested) attraction be first?
Like that initial warm up - interest , that makes you gravitate towards a person?

To me stongest feelings have been within platonic relationships, but there’s always that something that I like about them.
That just helps me to navigate towards wanting to be around them.
And if we get to know eachother then emotions rise.
What I feel towards them/about them.

Anyway, so question about what is an actual relationship?
Whatever the hell the people in it say it is!!
I have visceral hatred towards people who say relationships must have, this that or those.
Or it isin’t a relationship if bla bla bla.

””” Ah I didn't realise that OP liked sex just with anyone rather than people they find attractive or romantic attraction to.”””

No,no,no.

Don’t like it, won’t have it.