I’m the aromantic asexual who’s thread was taken down and I don’t even know why AMA!

[IWillFindYou]

So I posted it, checked day later no questions, next thing it’s gone.
I have no idea what happened or was said.

So, let’s do this again.

@slashlover

The energy and effort that would go into a romantic/sexual relationship can be poured into something else which is rewarding, is that so? I hope I am not being clumsy asking that but I imagine you could throw yourself into a cause or an intellectual pursuit and not have the distractions which sexual attraction presents.

You could do that, but for me I also don't have the support that a partner can bring. I'm currently studying for my degree but I still have all the same chores etc. If I was living with someone then (for example) when I was sitting my exam, they could have taken over the cooking and cleaning whereas I still had that to do. If I'm ill then I have to take care of myself etc. I think there are positives and negatives to everything.

The thing is, that's true too of many people who are not asexual. I've been a single mother for most of my DS's life, and so I know what it's like to live without support, and my experience is very, very common.

I'm not asexual, and yet for most of my life I've been single, which sometimes I regret and sometimes I am thankful for.

The poster above who wondered if asexuality gave a certain amount of freedom from the messiness of sexual relationships, the heartbreak, the longing, just the sheer amount of mental and emotional real estate in your head that is given over to it, I found really interesting. There's a wonderful Ursula LeGuin book called Left Hand of Darkness, which posits a society where for most of the time humans have no sex drive at all (and are also neither male not female) but once in a while go into "kemmer" - heat - and secluded themselves away to have a good time with others in the same state. But for most of their lives the pushes and pulls of sexual desire play no part in society and relationships, and don't take any emotional space or time. I find that option possibly the best of both worlds!

It was a genuine question, and your response is really shitty.

It was a shitty question, asked from a stance of bias.

If you can't already see on this thread the bias that exists against anything that isn't normal, you need to brush up on your comprehension skills.

And as for this:
Neither my young relative nor the older people I know would recognise what you describe as the life of an asexual

Well, imagine the difference in perspective between a homosexual that came out at 15 and was fully accepted... And a homosexual that came out at 40 and wasn't accepted...

One person does not equate to totallity, otherwise every woman would live the same experience, every gay person would have the same experience, every gay person, every old person so on and so on...

WotWhyWhen I did say in my post that every person is different.

And please stop comparing your situation to homosexuality. Not only is it homophobic of you to do so, but it doesn't explain the situation.

This is an AMA thread. I am.asking questions. If you are just here to berate people who are asking questions, rather than actually explaining anything, then what's the point?

@ArcheryAnnie

WotWhyWhen I did say in my post that every person is different.

And please stop comparing your situation to homosexuality. Not only is it homophobic of you to do so, but it doesn't explain the situation.

This is an AMA thread. I am.asking questions. If you are just here to berate people who are asking questions, rather than actually explaining anything, then what's the point?

Ok...

How's this..

You said: "Genuine question here: why is it a "struggle"? Nobody ever got beaten up for not holding hands with someone in the street"

Let's replace Struggle with Abused.
Would you tell a woman that's been emotionally abused her entire life that she hasn't been abused because she wasn't beaten up?

Sound likely?

So now think... Of all the millions of asexual people, you know 1 young one..
Now think about how sexuality acceptance has changed over the last 40 years.
Now think to yourself... If someone was different 30 years ago, what sort of "Struggle" could they face?

Can you grasp any of this?

And please stop comparing your situation to homosexuality. Not only is it homophobic of you to do so, but it doesn't explain the situation.

Ah I see now. You've taken over the mantle of the other person I repeatedly reported for being a bigot.

You've decided you don't agree that asexuality is an orientation so you expect everyone else to accept your definition and your belief.

This is an AMA. I am asking questions because I am trying to understand what makes asexuals an oppressed group, which is what you seem to be saying, Wotwhywhen, but you don't seem to be able to do that without co-opting the experiences and history of other groups. I am gay, and I am a woman, so I don't need lecturing on those. I'm asking about asexuality, and asking what makes it different to the experiences of all the other humans in the world, and throughout history, who are not necessarily asexual (though some may be, without using the label), but who for whatever reason don't have sex or relationships, and get on in life just fine.

No, what you're actually doing is trying to suggest that because gay people struggle or get beaten up in the streets, Asexual people dont have struggles of their own.

You see them as lesser.
Lower than you because you are gay.
So therefore you know better.

If a straight person demanded to know

If a straight person demanded to know

What struggles gay people have had because they've not had as many as straight people... How would you react?

@Wotwhywhen

No, what you're actually doing is trying to suggest that because gay people struggle or get beaten up in the streets, Asexual people dont have struggles of their own.

You see them as lesser.
Lower than you because you are gay.
So therefore you know better.

If a straight person demanded to know

How do I see them as "lesser"?

(And please don't tell me my own motivations. I am trying to understand, which is what an AMA is for. Its not GMVWQ, Give Me Validation Without Questioning, its Ask Me Anything. I wish the OP, who seems both sensible and genuine, would come back, because you aren't much of an ambassador for the cause.)

How do I see them as "lesser"?

You're the one that sees getting beaten up as a medal of some kind.
That physical abuse is somehow.more than the emation abuses faxed by others.
You're the one calling an accepted orientation, not an orientation and then labelling homophobia where the lack of acceptance of an orientation is actually bigotry.
You asked what struggles asexuals may face, I gave very clear example of 30+ years of struggle, which you have dismissed.

Shall I continue?

There really isn't anything difficult to understand..
Asexuality is an orientation, whether you understand it or not.
Some asexual people struggle to be accepted by family, friends and the wider society, whether you agree or not.
Some asexuals feel the need to hide it and live a fake life in an attempt to be accepted by bigots, whether you understand it or not.
It's all hee explained and highlighted in this thread, whether you understand it or not..

But I think you're actually Beastlyslumber so I'm ignoring you now.

How did I dismiss your "years of struggle"? Pretty sure I explicitly didn't.

But hey, you just carry on appropriating other people's histories, and yelling about how you are the Most Oppressed Ever. That's really helped me understand, thanks.

And I haven't said asexuality isn't an orientation at all, I am just trying to understand why it's also a "struggle" and a "torment", when as far as I can see, asexuals just live their lives similar to many non-asexuals.

I do so love it when people reply even though you've told them explicitly that you're ignoring them.

Good troll tactic that is, very good.

Excuse me whilst I re read the whole thread.. for reasons..

Huh? That is a response!

But I hope the OP does return, because I am interested in the answers.

@Wotwhywhen

How do I see them as "lesser"?

You're the one that sees getting beaten up as a medal of some kind.
That physical abuse is somehow.more than the emation abuses faxed by others.
You're the one calling an accepted orientation, not an orientation and then labelling homophobia where the lack of acceptance of an orientation is actually bigotry.
You asked what struggles asexuals may face, I gave very clear example of 30+ years of struggle, which you have dismissed.

Shall I continue?

There really isn't anything difficult to understand..
Asexuality is an orientation, whether you understand it or not.
Some asexual people struggle to be accepted by family, friends and the wider society, whether you agree or not.
Some asexuals feel the need to hide it and live a fake life in an attempt to be accepted by bigots, whether you understand it or not.
It's all hee explained and highlighted in this thread, whether you understand it or not..

But I think you're actually Beastlyslumber so I'm ignoring you now.

Well this thread was really quite interesting, until this. You seem angry, maybe writing on a forum just now is not a great idea. Maybe take a break? And if you come back with more anger then you definitely need a break.

I honk @ArcheryAnnie’S questions are interesting, civil, and would be interested to hear the OP’s responses.

@TheRebelle’s snide question was also fascinating in its own way. How bizarre to view being sexually active and/or in a relationship as constituting a ‘personality’. But perhaps @TheRebelle is one of those people who just goes into stasis if not in a relationship.

@Congressdingo

Oh you.
Been on forums for 20+ years, I love this tactic.

[quote Wotwhywhen]@Congressdingo

Oh you.
Been on forums for 20+ years, I love this tactic. [/quote]
You may think you have a great point to make. Possibly you do but you are so angry it shines through your posts.
Carry on if it makes you happy, just know you are putting people off from reading more. Kinda the opposite to whats needed.

@Congressdingo

Basalt

I am finding this thread interesting, and not really understanding why the original post is getting so much vitriol.

My question is, is being asexual or aromantic on a spectrum? Like, is it possible for someone to feel sexual attraction very rarely but no desire for any kind of relationship, sexually or romantically?

Hope this question isn't offensive at all.

@chickenandchipsinabasket

Some say it's a spectrum, for as many people.that are asexual there will be variances amongst all.

www.healthline.com/health/what-is-asexual#sexuality-is-a-spectrum

And I haven't said asexuality isn't an orientation at all, I am just trying to understand why it's also a "struggle" and a "torment", when as far as I can see, asexuals just live their lives similar to many non-asexuals.

I think it depends a lot on when you came out and how people reacted. Most of the torment for me was when I was in my mid-teens until mid-20s. Asexuality wasn't as well known 20-30 years ago (and even now, people have huge misconceptions, as seen on this thread).

School friends talking about which boys/girls they fancied or had a crush on and I felt nothing.
Putting posters on their walls and talking about how hot someone was. Nope.
Starting to experiment, date and have sex with someone and I just wasn't interested.
I kept telling myself that it would kick in at some point and it just never did. I felt as if there was something DEEPLY wrong with me, as if I was broken.

Even now, there is something seen as wrong in being eternally single and being a virgin in your 40s. At this point, I'm fine with it but some of the reactions from other people can make me feel ashamed. There seems to be a common idea that Ase people are just trying to be different or attention seeking (also seen on this thread) or that we're a problem that needs to be solved. Have you had your hormones checked? You just need to find the right man. You need to grow up. You can just admit you're gay, you know?

It's also a misconception that Ase people do not experience violence, in fact A 2015 survey found that 43.5 per cent of the almost 8000 asexual people polled had encountered sexual violence, despite the misconception that asexual people never encounter or are involved in sexual situations and are therefore unable to be sexually assaulted.

[quote Wotwhywhen]@chickenandchipsinabasket

Some say it's a spectrum, for as many people.that are asexual there will be variances amongst all.

www.healthline.com/health/what-is-asexual#sexuality-is-a-spectrum[/quote]
Thanks, thats very interesting.

@chickenandchipsinabasket

I am finding this thread interesting, and not really understanding why the original post is getting so much vitriol.

My question is, is being asexual or aromantic on a spectrum? Like, is it possible for someone to feel sexual attraction very rarely but no desire for any kind of relationship, sexually or romantically?

Hope this question isn't offensive at all.

It depends on who you ask! There is a subset of asexuality called demisexuality which is essentially sexual attraction which occurs once an emotional bond is formed. Unfortunately, many people will then reply that they don't have sex with someone until they have a bond, which confuses the act of sex with sexual attraction. So demi people won't look at someone in the street or on TV and be attracted to them but if they form a bond with someone then these feelings may happen.

There is a range from people who are like me and have never been attracted to anyone, to the people who are demisexual to gray asexuals who my very occasionally be attracted to someone.

@ArcheryAnnie

How did I dismiss your "years of struggle"? Pretty sure I explicitly didn't.

But hey, you just carry on appropriating other people's histories, and yelling about how you are the Most Oppressed Ever. That's really helped me understand, thanks.

where has the original poster done that?

she has not claimed to more oppressed than LGB individuals or any other group. Nor has she yelled or appropriated other peoples' histories anywhere.

Life isn't some kind of Hardship Olympics. Everyone has struggles somewhere, or has had or will do at some point.

i have to say I find this current trend of categorising people into groups of oppressed or oppressor (regardless of how irrelevant that may be) as quite distasteful. Can't we just say that all abuse or prejudice or unkindness is wrong, regardless of whether the target is considered an oppressed group or not?

Thanks @slashlover, have always had a sense I'm not straight, and in many ways relate to those who are asexual or aromantic yet there are very rare, short lived moments of sexual desire, quite intense. i don't know how much of that is my abusive background or just innate.