I’m the aromantic asexual who’s thread was taken down and I don’t even know why AMA!

[IWillFindYou]

So I posted it, checked day later no questions, next thing it’s gone.
I have no idea what happened or was said.

So, let’s do this again.

@chickenandchipsinabasket

Thanks *@slashlover*, have always had a sense I'm not straight, and in many ways relate to those who are asexual or aromantic yet there are very rare, short lived moments of sexual desire, quite intense. i don't know how much of that is my abusive background or just innate.

You may be, or you may not, you may be demisexual or you may be grayA. I suggest having a look around AVEN if you're interested, there are forums too, you can read and don't have to post if you don't want to.

I will say, if you want to use one of these terms then nobody is going to stop you, there's no set of rules and it's what you're comfortable with. And obviously if you change your mind then you can easily change your terms. (I can't, I have two Ase based tattoos. )

Well no - Wot just kept on comparing asexuals to homosexuals, which isn't on. Any discussion of asexuality should be able to stand on its own merit, not appropriate from other groups.

I appear, from this discussion, to be able to be classified as a type of demisexual, since I don't find people attractive until I know them (and usually not then, either!). Which is why I find OLD not my thing - I look at photos of people and just wonder why I should bother. But it's so common a trait that I don't see that giving it a name really works for me. It's just within the spectrum of perfectly ordinary behaviour.

Thanks will check out AVEN.

I don't see how it matters whether people give themselves a label or not to be honest . It's whatever helps them cope with what they going through that is important.

@chickenandchipsinabasket

I don't see how it matters whether people give themselves a label or not to be honest . It's whatever helps them cope with what they going through that is important.

Some people.label others as away to lessen their existence. Those people don't fit into their preconceived boxes so they get labelled. They decide that those people have chosen their sexuality, that they want the attention it brings, or they want to feel special etc. To some people, homosexuality you're born with, any suggestion otherwise is homophobia. Asexuality you choose, any suggestion otherwise is homophobia.

Yet you can read this thread for yourself and see the experience of asexuals and read their words that they didn't choose this at all. Pretty much all mentions of Asexuality count it as an orientation, as a sexuality and it's part of the LGBTQIA etc. But some refuse that because, well... Reasons I guess.

seems it's a bit like:
Acceptance for all, except...

Wot why don't you try reading people's posts, rather than projecting your own assumptions onto them? You have misrepresented mine - and others - posts wildly. You really aren't as embattled here as you imagine.

@ArcheryAnnie

Wot why don't you try reading people's posts, rather than projecting your own assumptions onto them? You have misrepresented mine - and others - posts wildly. You really aren't as embattled here as you imagine.

I said:

"Some people.label others as away to lessen their existence. Those people don't fit into their preconceived boxes so they get labelled. They decide that those people have chosen their sexuality, that they want the attention it brings, or they want to feel special etc."

In reference to Xenia that defined Asexuality differently so OP doesn't fit Xenias preconceived box:

There is a different between have no sexual urges which is what I took to be asexual (and on that definition the poster is not that at all as she masturbates)

I then said:

"To some people, homosexuality you're born with, any suggestion otherwise is homophobia.
Asexuality you choose, any suggestion otherwise is homophobia."

I reference to a lot of Beastlyslumbers posts which have been deleted now, but some remain:

Sexual orientation: heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. That's it. That's your human range of sexualities.

Asexual = to be without sexuality.
Celibate = to choose not to have sex.
Incel = to feel forced into celibacy.

Neither of those three are sexualities and you're not oppressed in any way because of them. It's homophobic to compare these chosen identities with actual homosexuality

Then I said:

"Yet you can read this thread for yourself and see the experience of asexuals and read their words that they didn't choose this at all."

Again in reference to other posts thinking Asexuality is a choice.

How is asexuality a choice?

I know someone who is asexual and has never sexually desired anyone, never fallen in love, never had a crush as a teenager . Nothing at all. She is as happy as Larry... She would tell you she has always been that way .

I'd also like, when you get a second, to clarify something..

I said:

Someone thinks being born asexual is a choice don't they?

Oh but homosexuality isn't..
Being born asexual and struggling with it for 42 years is just my choice..
That sounds like bigotry.

I response to Beastly suggesting Asexuality is a choice and not something born with like other sexualities are.

I said Being born asexual and struggling with it for 42 years in a similar way as any other non straight sexuality might struggle with theirs.

You asked:

Genuine question here: why is it a "struggle"?
But then later you say you're gay.
Assuming that to be true, did you not struggle with your sexuality behind closed doors? If someone minimised your decades long struggle with accepting your own sexuality because it wasn't as serious as their struggle with theirs, how would you feel?

I also don't recall claiming I'd been oppressed or beaten, that came from Beastly and You, so maybe you could enlighten me there? You're telling me to read other peoples posts and such, and maybe I did say something along those lines, it'd be nice to see them as I seem to be unable to find them. Should be super easy for you as you've made reference to me saying such.

@chickenandchipsinabasket

I don't believe it is, I've not encountered any asexuals that believe they chose it either.
Most discovered it around puberty, struggled to accept themselves, some didn't even know the word for it until they found Reddit or other forums etc.

[quote Wotwhywhen]@chickenandchipsinabasket

I don't believe it is, I've not encountered any asexuals that believe they chose it either.
Most discovered it around puberty, struggled to accept themselves, some didn't even know the word for it until they found Reddit or other forums etc.[/quote]
this seems more likely

I wasn't in torment ( over whatever it is that my sexuality may be) but I was aware I wasn't like other girls . I had a strong sense of being different generally and this seemed more of an extra to that. Not tormented exactly but I already thought of myself as "wrong" as a person, somehow bad (maybe because of my childhood and resulting mental health issues that weren't really recognised until much later), and I think this was just another thing about me I felt was "different" somehow.

And yet I like living alone. I'm happy enough with it.

[quote Wotwhywhen]@chickenandchipsinabasket

I don't believe it is, I've not encountered any asexuals that believe they chose it either.
Most discovered it around puberty, struggled to accept themselves, some didn't even know the word for it until they found Reddit or other forums etc.[/quote]
I cannot get my head around why someone couldn't be born asexual if other sexualities are born, as it were.

but I already thought of myself as "wrong" as a person, somehow bad

That sounds like mental torment to me.

Thinking of yourself other, different, wrong etc to all of those around you is hard, damned hard.
My path saw me pretending I wasn't the way I was, pushing it down and hiding it as best I can.
I didn't want sex and relationships, but I felt like it was expected by family and friends etc. Living that lie is exhausting and draining.

So if you were asexual in your formative years, didn't realise as you couldn't name it, forced yourself to have a 'normal' life, that will have damaged you.

Thinking of yourself other, different, wrong etc to all of those around you is hard, damned hard.
My path saw me pretending I wasn't the way I was, pushing it down and hiding it as best I can.
I didn't want sex and relationships, but I felt like it was expected by family and friends etc. Living that lie is exhausting and draining.

I 100% believe that being asexual but not knowing asexuality is a "thing" was the cause of my depression.

@Wotwhywhen

but I already thought of myself as "wrong" as a person, somehow bad

That sounds like mental torment to me.

Thinking of yourself other, different, wrong etc to all of those around you is hard, damned hard.
My path saw me pretending I wasn't the way I was, pushing it down and hiding it as best I can.
I didn't want sex and relationships, but I felt like it was expected by family and friends etc. Living that lie is exhausting and draining.

So if you were asexual in your formative years, didn't realise as you couldn't name it, forced yourself to have a 'normal' life, that will have damaged you.

Yes, I can imagine. For me it wasn't just the sexuality it was a whole bunch of things that made me feel led and got me in grief with others but I can well understand how tormenting it must be for many who struggle with a sexuality different from the default

@slashlover

Thinking of yourself other, different, wrong etc to all of those around you is hard, damned hard. My path saw me pretending I wasn't the way I was, pushing it down and hiding it as best I can. I didn't want sex and relationships, but I felt like it was expected by family and friends etc. Living that lie is exhausting and draining.

I 100% believe that being asexual but not knowing asexuality is a "thing" was the cause of my depression.

Assuming that to be true, did you not struggle with your sexuality behind closed doors?

Lots of gay people do struggle with their sexuality "behind closed doors", but I didn't. Whatever struggle I've had has been with other people - worrying that people I love will reject me, having those fears occasionally come true, being called "faggot" or "dyke" in the street, being afraid of physical violence if people realised that two of us walking together were partners. But internal struggle, thinking I was "wrong" in some.way, or wishing I was different? No.

I've been single more of my life than I've been in a relationship. Even when friends have offered to set me up, or when my ex's mum wanted us to get back together, or anything like this - I've never once felt it as disgust, people seeing me as single, in the same way I have felt judged and threatened (and been judged and threatened) as a woman with a girlfriend. I have felt vulnerable as a single woman when men view me as available, when I am not (because I am not sexually interested in them, and likely would not be even if I were completely straight), but that would have held true regardless of whether I were asexual or not.

Whatever struggle I've had has been with other people - worrying that people I love will reject me, having those fears occasionally come true, being called "faggot" or "dyke" in the street, being afraid of physical violence if people realised that two of us walking together were partners. But internal struggle, thinking I was "wrong" in some.way, or wishing I was different? No.

Your lack of struggle, was it perhaps because you fancied women, knew you fancied women, knew that you weren't bad or wrong, but that it made you gay?

Let's just assume that's roughly what happened.

So now, if you'll indulge, imagine your @slashlover who said:
I 100% believe that being asexual but not knowing asexuality is a "thing" was the cause of my depression.

And let's look at this: Whatever struggle I've had has been with other people - worrying that people I love will reject me

Not only have asexuals on this thread mentioned rejection etc but also:

being called "faggot" or "dyke" in the street
Imagine being called weirdo and freak and other names... By your family and by yourself in your head.

But also add in family pressure, the endless questioning from friends and the expectations of society as I, and others, have detailed.

And also re read some of my posts.
ask yourself:

In that time of Wots life, how might they have felt?
forcing themselves to have sex they didn't actually want?
forcing themselves to be with people they didn't want to be with?
forcing themselves to adhere to family and friends expectations and provide a child?
forcing themselves to adhere to societal expectations and get married?
So on and so on.
Without labouring the point, basically trying to force their squareness into a round, socially acceptable hole... (I once heard a recently out gay man call it "Going through the motions", seems apt)

Mix all that around and think how it'd all make you feel.
Do you think you might classify that mental anguish as a "Struggle" between your actual personality and what you're forcing yourself to be? (Imagine how you'd have felt if you'd have tried to force yourself to sleep with men and be straight)

Now imagine how you'd feel if someone said to you,
"...not like you ever got beaten up in the street."

Do you think, on some level, you may understand how offensive that might be to someone that has had a life different to yours?

Can you maybe think that the OPs, Slashlovers, mine and other peoples experiences have been harder than you might have thought? That's it's not exactly as simple as them "Just being single"?

That there have been, at times, a daily struggle, some have had to fight to fit into places they don't even want to fit, some have been driven to depression by not knowing what they are and not only have we lived in fear of other people's reactions and rejections, but we've also lived with the inner turmoil of believing ourselves to be 'wrong' to be 'bad' to believe there is 'something wrong' with us or that 'we haven't met the right person' or maybe 'we just need our hormones checked'.. some things said by posters in this thread that, these days, they wouldn't dare dream of saying to a gay person.

Can anyone on this thread - particularly anyone who would not describe themselves as anywhere on the asexual spectrum - say that they have ever felt that someone they know was bad or wrong or a "freak" for not being in a relationship?

@ArcheryAnnie

Can anyone on this thread - particularly anyone who would not describe themselves as anywhere on the asexual spectrum - say that they have ever felt that someone they know was bad or wrong or a "freak" for not being in a relationship?

Well of course not. Because you would presume the person was single/between relationships.

If they were asked do you have a partner and replied openly ‘I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend, I’ve never had or wanted a relationship with anyone’ I think a lot of people would find it odd. Not bad necessarily but odd because it’s so different.

@ArcheryAnnie

Can anyone on this thread - particularly anyone who would not describe themselves as anywhere on the asexual spectrum - say that they have ever felt that someone they know was bad or wrong or a "freak" for not being in a relationship?

No. I have three good female friends in their late 40s, early 50s and late 60s who have never been in a relationship, and I can honestly say it has never occurred to me to think they were on any way ‘less’.

One has an all-consuming international aid job which would be difficult to combine with any kind of relationship, one has frankly said sex is something that never appealed to her and that she’s always felt she was well out of romantic/sexual relationships, though she’s an inspired and committed friend — she adopted her daughter in her 50s. They’re all three brilliant, interesting people who are content with their choices/status, and I feel lucky to have them in my life.

@ArcheryAnnie

Can anyone on this thread - particularly anyone who would not describe themselves as anywhere on the asexual spectrum - say that they have ever felt that someone they know was bad or wrong or a "freak" for not being in a relationship?

No, but think of it like this. How many women on here have posted that their boyfriend has never been in a relationship of more than a few weeks before meeting them, only to get replies of

"immature!"
"cut him loose!"
"manchild!"

etc. There's a difference between "currently single" and "single forever"

anyone who would not describe themselves as anywhere on the asexual spectrum - say that they have ever felt that someone they know was bad or wrong or a "freak" for not being in a relationship?

You're very concerned with how others see you aren't you? Is sexuality a performative thing for you? Feels like you just glossed over all.mention of inner doubt and self questioning. But hey ho.

I don't see how not being in a relationship or being single is the same as Asexuality?
One is in-line with normal preconceptions, the other is not.

Ask something more like,
"anyone gay, have you felt bad or wrong or a "freak" for not being in a straight relationship? Or been judged by others in that way?"

I reckon you could find older age good for you in terms of finding the non sexual / romantic companionship you're lookin for.

Many women later in life (not all, not saying most before anyone jumps on me) find that their strong platonic friendships take priority over seeking new romantic attachments. I know several women that either live very close to, or with, their best friends and do pretty much everything together. All but one had sexual/romantic partners earlier in life.

@ArcheryAnnie

Can anyone on this thread - particularly anyone who would not describe themselves as anywhere on the asexual spectrum - say that they have ever felt that someone they know was bad or wrong or a "freak" for not being in a relationship?

No. Never been remotely interested. Have had far more grief from the annoying, sometimes awful or abusive, partners of my friends/family, than from those who choose not to be in a relationship for whatever reason.