Page 11 | I’m the aromantic asexual who’s thread was taken down and I don’t even know why AMA!

IWillFindYou · 2021-09-22T12:58:39+00:00

So I posted it, checked day later no questions, next thing it’s gone. I have no idea what happened or was said. So, let’s do this again.

thevassal · 22/09/2021 21:53

@beastlyslumber

Would you suggest a gay/lesbian person 'get themselves checked out?'

No of course not. But why are you comparing a medical condition (lack of sex drive) to a sexual orientation? Seems a bit homophobic.

Asexuality isn't a sexuality. Obviously. It's a lack of sexuality. Because we humans are built to reproduce sexually, not having any sexual feelings/sex drive is very likely to be a symptom of an underlying medical condition.

Luckily, OP isn't asexual, just celibate. She has a sex drive but she chooses not to have sex with others. Celibacy is also not a sexuality, just a choice that some people make.

A medical 'condition' suggests there is something wrong. Why is that the case if someone is happy with no negative side effects? Years ago homosexuality would also have been considered a medical condition but most people have moved past that. Surely if we are 'built' to reproduce then only feeling attracted to the same sex, which won't lead to reproduction is equally a medical issue that should be investigated?

slashlover · 22/09/2021 22:01

No of course not. But why are you comparing a medical condition (lack of sex drive) to a sexual orientation? Seems a bit homophobic.

Asexuality isn't a lack of sex drive, it's a lack of attraction. Heterosexual people who lose their sex drive are just that, they are not asexual. Some asexual people have sex and enjoy sex, they are just not sexually attracted to their partners.

Think of it like this, if a 100% straight woman was on a desert island with only other women then she would still have a sex drive but she would not be sexually attracted to any of the women there. Many asexual people are like that but they're not attracted to anyone.

I don't have a sex drive but that has nothing to do with my asexuality.

slashlover · 22/09/2021 22:06

Years ago homosexuality would also have been considered a medical condition but most people have moved past that.

Homosexuality was in the DSM until 1973. The DSM is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders which is the handbook used by psychologists to diagnose mental disorders.

RoseAndGeranium · 22/09/2021 22:07

I suppose I just wondered if you watched what other people suffered as a result of romance and sexual attraction and felt better off out of the whole thing. I didn’t mean to offend, and I can quite see how it must have been hard not to feel ‘normal’.
In terms of what I feel I might have done differently if I’d been free of painful infatuations, bad love affairs, and the sometimes crushing desire to find someone to settle down with: I think I’d have travelled more, I’d have made very different career choices at various points in my life. My friendship groups (at university especially) would have been different. And I think I would simply have had a lot more headspace! Maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part.
I guess that what you describe about not feeling attraction or romantic attachment to anyone sounds, to someone who has spent a lot of her adult life quite tormented by both those things, quite peaceful and I wondered if that was how it felt. But it doesn’t sound like that’s been your experience?

TheRebelle · 22/09/2021 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Wotwhywhen · 22/09/2021 23:00

@TheRebelle

I assume you've waited till night time to post your shitty post in the hopes the mods have gone home?

Seems you could do with adopting a personality of your own, one that isn't abhorrent.

slashlover · 22/09/2021 23:01

@TheRebelle

And how are you finding it as a substitute for a personality?

And how are you finding it having a shit, nasty personality?

Yummypumpkin · 22/09/2021 23:10

@TheRebelle although this thread started off with mindless abuse that posters wouldn't want their bosses to see, the thread developed to be very interesting. So you read the room wrong here and yes you were nasty without wit, merit or memorability. Have a better day tomorrow.

slashlover · 22/09/2021 23:10

@RoseAndGeranium

I suppose I just wondered if you watched what other people suffered as a result of romance and sexual attraction and felt better off out of the whole thing. I didn’t mean to offend, and I can quite see how it must have been hard not to feel ‘normal’. In terms of what I feel I might have done differently if I’d been free of painful infatuations, bad love affairs, and the sometimes crushing desire to find someone to settle down with: I think I’d have travelled more, I’d have made very different career choices at various points in my life. My friendship groups (at university especially) would have been different. And I think I would simply have had a lot more headspace! Maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part. I guess that what you describe about not feeling attraction or romantic attachment to anyone sounds, to someone who has spent a lot of her adult life quite tormented by both those things, quite peaceful and I wondered if that was how it felt. But it doesn’t sound like that’s been your experience?

I must admit that some of the posts on the Relationships board make me feel that I'm glad to be out of it. Then I see things like people on their wedding day or people in the first stages of a relationship and wonder what that's like, for some reason the one which gets me is when they do the slow dances at weddings etc and I'm just sitting there. Or people have someone to share things with, I have my friends but I always know that their spouse/kids come first (as it should be) and I'm not anybody's priority. I think there's a bit of 'the grass is always greener' about these sorts of things. I always feel like my asexuality is one of those things I don't think about a lot but when I tell someone (which is rare) to them it's a BIG DEAL.

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 23:27

@Wotwhywhen

Someone thinks being born asexual is a choice don't they?

Oh but homosexuality isn't..
Being born asexual and struggling with it for 42 years is just my choice..
That sounds like bigotry.

Asexuality is not a choice, people are born that way.

The energy and effort that would go into a romantic/sexual relationship can be poured into something else which is rewarding, is that so? I hope I am not being clumsy asking that but I imagine you could throw yourself into a cause or an intellectual pursuit and not have the distractions which sexual attraction presents.

Wotwhywhen · 22/09/2021 23:33

@Plumtree391

I guess some people can redirect their energies into some other pursuit.
Not me tho. I've always been a solitary pursuits sort of person and chosen pursuits that aren't really a cause or intellectual.

I'd rather be sat a top Mam Tor, Walking the Wolds Way, camping in Scotland etc.
Just me, my pack and no one for as.far as the eye can see... (Not that that's easy on Mam Tor on a nice day..)

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 23:34

[quote Wotwhywhen]@Vinsurvin

Great post up there. ❤️[/quote]
I agree, it is a great post.

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 23:40

I think this is a very interesting thread. There should be more acceptance of people who do not fit into the usual 'boxes' but have a box of their own. Being asexual is not abnormal, it's just the way some people are.

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 23:41

[quote Wotwhywhen]@Plumtree391

I guess some people can redirect their energies into some other pursuit.
Not me tho. I've always been a solitary pursuits sort of person and chosen pursuits that aren't really a cause or intellectual.

I'd rather be sat a top Mam Tor, Walking the Wolds Way, camping in Scotland etc.
Just me, my pack and no one for as.far as the eye can see... (Not that that's easy on Mam Tor on a nice day..)[/quote]
That's good, enjoyable and healthy.

Quaggars · 23/09/2021 00:02

@TheRebelle I'd say what I think of you but I don't want to get deleted lol
This is an interesting thread, I think it's great to hear others and I'm learning new things - before this thread I had no idea what an aromantic asexual was!

Plumtree391 · 23/09/2021 00:11

@TheRebelle

And how are you finding it as a substitute for a personality?

You really are quite offensive, aren't you. Why the sarky attitude?

KindnessMyFriends · 23/09/2021 01:44

@TheRebelle

And how are you finding it as a substitute for a personality?

Are you a bully in other areas of your life, or are you empowered by the anonymity of the Internet.?

slashlover · 23/09/2021 08:08

The energy and effort that would go into a romantic/sexual relationship can be poured into something else which is rewarding, is that so? I hope I am not being clumsy asking that but I imagine you could throw yourself into a cause or an intellectual pursuit and not have the distractions which sexual attraction presents.

You could do that, but for me I also don't have the support that a partner can bring. I'm currently studying for my degree but I still have all the same chores etc. If I was living with someone then (for example) when I was sitting my exam, they could have taken over the cooking and cleaning whereas I still had that to do. If I'm ill then I have to take care of myself etc. I think there are positives and negatives to everything.

butterpuffed · 23/09/2021 08:16

The poster who said about personality substitute is an attention seeker posting for effect and they're getting it . I assume you know that if you name them when commenting they get an alert in their email.

PeriChristmas · 23/09/2021 08:17

@JaneJeffer

What's aromantic?

Totally read the post as aromatic. "No sex, but likes lavender & oregano!" 🍃🍃🍃

PeriChristmas · 23/09/2021 08:20

Ok I have a question op.
Why do you think you feel like this?

Wotwhywhen · 23/09/2021 08:25

@PeriChristmas

Ok I have a question op. Why do you think you feel like this?

Why do you think you feel hetero / homo?

Xenia · 23/09/2021 10:06

There is a different between have no sexual urges which is what I took to be asexual (and on that definition the poster is not that at all as she masturbates) and a-romantic don't want relationships with others even though you feel sexual and do not want sexual encounters with anyone but yourself.

So most celibate monks and nuns are not asexual but they channel their energies into good works and don't have sex with themselves or anyone else. They may however want to but stop the urges whereas this poster does not even want to do so.

Wotwhywhen · 23/09/2021 10:15

There is a different between have no sexual urges which is what I took to be asexual (and on that definition the poster is not that at all as she masturbates)

What you took asexual to mean is wrong.
So don't enforce your wrong definition on to the OP.
Hth

ArcheryAnnie · 23/09/2021 12:20

@Wotwhywhen

Genuine question here: why is it a "struggle"? Nobody ever got beaten up for not holding hands with someone in the street.

Is that the yard stick is it? Getting beaten up?

How about years of bullying for being different? That count?
Years of torment from people for not being the same as them?
Years of family questioning your choices, ridiculing you, singling you for 'not being like your brother'
How about the lies unloved from the early.90s until 10years ago? How about them? Where does hiding yourself away for 32 years fall on your scale?

I mean getting beaten up in the street is pretty common. There's a good chance that stats show that heterosexual men get beaten more than any other demographic, obviously their sexuality is not the cause tho...

Pretty shitty stick to beat someone with isn't it?
"You weren't beaten up, so you're not really real, you're just trying to be a trendy kid"

So I'll ask again.
30+ years of mental anguish, bullying by peers, family members and colleagues.. where does that fall on your legitimacy scale? Do I need one more 'flip the fuck out and attack a bitch with a knife' stamp on my card before I'm in your shitty club?

It was a genuine question, and your response is really shitty.

And I still don't understand. The world is full of people who never have had a relationship, and it has always been thus, throughout history. There's traditionally been all sorts of societal niches carved out for these people, separate from the concept of a nuclear family, and its been accepted. I just don't recognise or understand how this means that asexuals are oppressed in some way.

And before you bite my head off again, I have older people in my family and friendship circles for whom this has always been the case, and a young relative who actively describes himself as a asexual. Neither my young relative nor the older people I know would recognise what you describe as the life of an asexual. And yes, yes, everyone is different, and I am not saying you haven't experienced the life you describe - I'm just trying to understand why you have experienced "torment" when the people I know don't. (And my young relative, who knows other young people who describe themselves as asexual, actively rejects the notion that asexuals are a marginalised or oppressed community. )