I’m the aromantic asexual who’s thread was taken down and I don’t even know why AMA!

[IWillFindYou]

So I posted it, checked day later no questions, next thing it’s gone.
I have no idea what happened or was said.

So, let’s do this again.

I think there is more to a romantic relationship than friendship plus sex.
There is also a level of commitment to each other and each others happiness that you don't get or wouldn't expect from even your best friend.

@RubyFowler

I think there is more to a romantic relationship than friendship plus sex. There is also a level of commitment to each other and each others happiness that you don't get or wouldn't expect from even your best friend.

Sorry that was more a general musing in response to some PPs really.

@Niffler92

Thanks for posting and sticking with it despite the haters, it’s been an education!

So can you be asexual but not a romantic or not asexual but not aromantic (actually that might sum up some people I used to know!)

Yes and yes.

Like that initial warm up - interest , that makes you gravitate towards a person?

To me stongest feelings have been within platonic relationships, but there’s always that something that I like about them. That just helps me to navigate towards wanting to be around them. And if we get to know eachother then emotions rise.
What I feel towards them/about them.

You said this OP.
To me this seems very much how a romantic relationship starts. What would you say distinguishes your being drawn to someone in this way to how someone would be drawn to another person in a romantic way?

@Cantunscrambleanegg

Gosh glad this thread got going after a pretty spiteful start (don’t know what’s wrong with some people).

My question might be a bit stupid and/ or personal, but if you have a sex drive but are not attracted to others, what is it that gets you going? Most women think about, eg, George Clooney. Sorry if personal, that’s just the thing I’m left wondering!

Hi! It’s okey.

It’s just the drive that insist on, well, driving.
Like all the physical arousals just doing their thing and I give a little help there.
Just following whatever feels physically good.

I have sexual thought, but they are more like intrusive thoughts.
They are pretty useless to me.

Oh, and never towards any person.

@IWillFindYou, You are not strange or wrong or 'too different' any more than anyone else. You come over a very honest, analytical person with a lot of personal integrity who just wants a little understanding. for what it's worth I think you are brave to have come back and continued answering questions after so many rude remarks. I must admit I am still confused about asexuality depite the excellent explanations from some pps. I think it is due to you expressing that you do have strong sexual feelings but with no connection to any other people even in fantasy? Do you fanatisise? or is the sexual part purely a physical urge like any other?

When I have read about these explanations I can see myself in a lot of the aromantic side as I have never been able to fall in love. When I was young I used to say I don't know how anyone has the courage to fall in love despite living in a culture saturated with 'romantic' imagery. To me it seems a mixture of delusion and idealisation about the other person and pragmatic need for companionshi/support/family life.

Oh I see you have answered my question above while I was writing. Please don't feel obliged to repeat yourself for my benefit.

If you find a life partner to live with and spend all your time with what label would you use when introducing them, would it still be my girlfriend/wife/partner?

I think this thread is interesting despite some rude first pages.

Thank you for this thread OP. So little is known about asexuality and aromanticism amongst the general public, it can be difficult to understand, I suppose in the same way it must be difficult for you to understand what other people get out of traditional relationships. The difference is that straight and more recently gay/bi relationships are portrayed as "the norm". No one really talks about it from your perspective.

I have gained more understanding from this thread, particularly with regard to how ignorant and unwilling to learn some people are.

I hope you find your companion.

Its very interesting, in the same way I find all these AMA threads interesting because people are interesting, in all our differences!
I don't understand what some people were getting so narky about at all.

Funny thing, I read the title as aromatic also. Strange slip of the tongue.

@StarryStarrySocks

I'll say what I said on the other thread: so what? This is of no interest or relevance to anyone but you.

And you've come back again to state this? Why are you so invested?

I really hope that you are eventually able to accept who you are and be happy, OP. You've been quite remarkable in your patience and your thoughtful responses to the questions you've been asked. But in the later posts your sadness has been more evident.

I really hope that you find your companion in life. You deserve to.

I think it's very interesting. What kind of relationship would you like to have? A best friend who shared your home but went back to their own house occasionally? Sign me up to that!

@ShaneTheThird

If you find a life partner to live with and spend all your time with what label would you use when introducing them, would it still be my girlfriend/wife/partner?

I think this thread is interesting despite some rude first pages.

Whatever feels right, they prefer.

I'm aro ase OP, what age did you realise? I've known since early teens but I didn't have a name for it until I was mid-late 20s as it wasn't a "thing". 100% believe this was the cause of my depression in my early 20s.

Neither of those three are sexualities and you're not oppressed in any way because of them. It's homophobic to compare these chosen identities with actual homosexuality, which people are born with and which they are often punished for, discriminated against, and injured because of. HTH.

Asexuality isn't a choice though, I was ase before I knew it was a thing. You say that we aren't injured but corrective rape is absolutely a thing that happens. I've been dismissed, told that I don't exist, told that there's something wrong with me and thought of as lesser than. You can see how often we've been dismissed in this very thread.

@Oblomov21

I think it's very interesting. What kind of relationship would you like to have? A best friend who shared your home but went back to their own house occasionally? Sign me up to that!

In essence. It would be amazing if we get on well enough that we could live together.

That's a very good point , slashlover, that everyone seems to be assuming all asexual people would have the same agency over their lives. There are many countries, eg Afghanistan, where marriage and childbearing are not optional extras or anything to do with'romance'. There is social pressure within this country to couple up and also within many cultures and communities young women and men are expected to marry regardless of their individual sexuality.

Sorry, I should have said 'other countries where marriage and childbearing are not optional extras and not necessarily to do with romance'. Don't want to stereotype whole countries.

@tomorrowalready

That's a very good point , slashlover, that everyone seems to be assuming all asexual people would have the same agency over their lives. There are many countries, eg Afghanistan, where marriage and childbearing are not optional extras or anything to do with'romance'. There is social pressure within this country to couple up and also within many cultures and communities young women and men are expected to marry regardless of their individual sexuality.

*There is social pressure within this country to couple up

It wasn't so much society that I felt pressure from, not the wider society any way. It was family and 'friends'

'when are you going to have kids?'
'when are you going to get married?'
'whybhavent you met anyone yet?'
'your brother is married with 3 kids, your turn now'

So on and so on.
I'd been pretending I was perfectly normal and straight for so long st that point that the next logical step was getting with someone.
So I joined Online dating...
Met someone, got together... Faked it till I made it.. but we decided not to have kids, sex dwindled but we married.. that lasted 6 months.. they cheated..

Oh well, nevermind .

'when you going to move on and find someone else?'
'why don't you want kids? You'd have beautiful kids'

So on and so on.

So the expected path was naturally..
Join online dating..
Get with someone..
Tolerate sex..
Have a kid..
Stop having sex..
Partner leave..

Now I'm a single parent.. but still.
'when you going to meet someone?'
'you can't be alone forever'
'daughter needs a baby brother or sister'

Till you finally snap, and instead of internally screaming or crying into a pillow, you're screaming in the face of your mother...
Telling her you didn't want any of the bullshit she emotionally bullied you into having.

'we just wanted you to have a normal life...'

'maybe I'm it fucking normal mother... If that's not good enough for you, you can get to fuck.'

But I'm 42 now, for the first time, here in my perfect isolation, I am happy. Away from the eyes and the lies and the fake laughter of family and friends and the awkward silences and the hush that falls over a room as I enter. It's all gone, over and done.
Some say, a person is not an island, this may be true, for some, but for others, the only way to stop drowning is to become the island.

I'm the opposite to you @Wotwhywhen in that I'm still a virgin at 43 (dated someone when I was 18 for two months thinking it might kickstart something. It didn't.) which comes with a whole host of other prejudices.

@slashlover
I can quite imagine.
Even in 2021, anything the doesn't fit a preconceived notion of 'normal' is seen as lesser.
As the notion of 'normal' expands and accepts more situations, you'd think that acceptance would spread... It hasn't, not yet, not to all quarters at least. Maybe one day.

@slashlover

I'm aro ase OP, what age did you realise? I've known since early teens but I didn't have a name for it until I was mid-late 20s as it wasn't a "thing". 100% believe this was the cause of my depression in my early 20s.

Neither of those three are sexualities and you're not oppressed in any way because of them. It's homophobic to compare these chosen identities with actual homosexuality, which people are born with and which they are often punished for, discriminated against, and injured because of. HTH.

Asexuality isn't a choice though, I was ase before I knew it was a thing. You say that we aren't injured but corrective rape is absolutely a thing that happens. I've been dismissed, told that I don't exist, told that there's something wrong with me and thought of as lesser than. You can see how often we've been dismissed in this very thread.

They don't see the dismissal though, because that would mean having to accept their own bigotry. I may not have been injured physically (yet) for being asexual, but I have been injured emotionally and mentally for it. Just because you can't see the injuries doesn't mean they aren't there.