I’m an alcoholic and my child is on a child protection plan AMA

[Pengola87]

Just that really

Good luck op I really think you are brave and have the strength to get through this and re-build your life with your DS.
All the best

Children's social workers are there for children.
I truly hope that OP can quickly get to a place where she places her dc above alcohol.
It is in the remit of children's SW to point to any available services but if they aren't there they cannot highlight them.
Living with a substance abuser is highly damaging for dc, being taken into care is also highly damaging.
The job of children professional's is to work out in each individual situation which is worse for that child.

In better funded times there were many more drug services, they performed a valuable addict focused role. That is not the role of a children's worker.

[quote MrsCalypsoGrant]@Supersimkin2 My late partner admitted that her alcoholism was due to habit not trauma, & my now partner says that trauma was rarely significantly present in the hundreds of cases she saw in her career as an addictions counsellor. That's not to say those cases don't exist, but it's another hook we often hang addiction on. [/quote]
I find this really hard to believe. It is more likely that your partner/other addictions counsellor is not skilled enough to uncover the trauma and recognise other root causes.

@CharlieBoo

I feel for you I really do!! There is NO help for addiction problems unless you have thousands to pay for private rehab. I have not much to offer to help but I am here to listen..

I have a good friend who’s brother is an alcoholic and my ex was a recovered alcoholic (15 years sober). He got sorted before I met him, but did it alone/cold turkey when he had a bad scare/hospital admission. I don’t advise that as it can be very dangerous. But he often talked about the lack of help and the struggles of socialising even once you manage to get dry..

I hope you get some good advise on here xxx

Your partner sounds amazing!

Which is precisely why children need to be protected from alcoholics including their parents Removal causes significant trauma too.

As a society I think we need to think of ways to do things differently

@Pengola87 hi op,13 years ago I was in the exact same position as you and I’d also been sober for a couple of years when I relapsed. Addiction is addition unfortunately and I analysed why I drunk a million times but just accepted in the end I was an alcoholic. The guilt and shame of being a woman with children under social services wasn’t enough to stop drinking at first and I couldn’t stand the physical withdrawals I remember how horrendous that feels but I finally did it and I’ve never looked back,my children have now seen me sober more years than they have drunk,miracles do happen,good luck and honestly it really is just a day at a time xx

If there was a decent support system and money and Covid were no longer issues what do you think you need to have the best chance of staying sober?

@yawnsvillex but it’s AMA, so I just asked the question. @Pengola87 said she would choose wine over her child. I think asking why you would do that is a logical question. The answer “because I’m addicted” seems to be abstaining from responsibility somehow.

@GerardWay123

Rehab doesn't work. Neither does AA, a religious based program that Uk rehabs use. I was the only person in the big posh £££££ rehab for the 1st time. The others had been in and out of the same place 2 or 3 times. OP please don't blame yourself, "catch yourself when you fall" and start again. X

Utter bollox! It has saved 3 of my family members lives.

Some hide traumatic feelings with alcohol for another it can learned behaviour or they enjoy it until it is out of control.
My grandfather died years before I was born. The bus would stop on the street he would fall out pissed until someone carried him home.
7 brother including Dad grew up to be an alcoholic.
3 sisters thankfully didn't but never drank at all.

@strictlysocialdistancing

You are of course entitled to your suspicions, but they don't trump the professional experience of someone who has assisted many addicts in the field for over twenty years. Her experiences chime with my closest friend who is a doctor specialising in addictions & formerly clinical director at The Priory (& also the child of two now dead alcoholics.)

To state that people you don't know but who clearly have extensive experience in the area are simply not skilled enough to recognise the severity of a problem that you believe you've spotted is ill informed & rude.

If you re-read my comments you'll see I said that trauma can of course be a part of the alcoholics story, but this is less often the case than assumed. It is part of the narrative of alcoholism which those of us outside of addiction can ascribe because we fail to comprehend what the world of the addict is actually like.

With regard to the removal of children from people who are abusing substances & subjecting their children to chaotic & severely traumatic lives, what "other ways" of dealing with such situations would you suggest?

I went into a residential rehab for 3 months 14 years ago.
When I was there I met other women who had children ( I’d didn’t have any then )...I was shocked how they could put alcohol before their children.
I was sober for 7 years and had 2 children of my own, then my mum died and I had a massive relapse to the point where I then prioritised alcohol over my kids.
Fortunately with the help of my DH and my Doctor who referred me to Alcohol services I managed to sort myself out and have been alcohol free for the last 4.5 years.
I actually met my OH in rehab, but that’s a whole other thread, he has been sober for 14 years so he was fully aware how difficult it is to beat the demon of alcohol.
I hope rehab works for you OP, sending all my best wishes to you and your daughter x

How does drinking actually make you feel. A lot of people I’ve come into contact with have been nasty and self absorbed when drinking? Alcohol seems to really dull people’s personalities. How do you think your non drinking personality compares with your drinking personality?

Do you get angry or sad?

@HopeClearwater

What an odd comment

It’s not an odd comment. I think it’s a really good question. Alcoholics like attention. They’re very selfish. OP already knows this.

Why are you doing this? Is it going to help?

Why aren’t you in AA? You don’t really want to stop, do you.

For disclosure: my children’s father died of his alcoholism.

I volunteer with the homeless who are entrenched in addictions. Mostly alcohol and heroin or meth.

I don't think I've met one selfish one yet

Rather what I meet do tend to have more addictive traits. Most drink to calm or soothe some inner demons. Most drink to try and live life. Most take drugs to escape the horrific past or life they live. None do this lightly. No one wakes up and goes. Right. Fuck it. I'm going to take heroin and fuck up my life. Lose my kids. My house. My job. No one does that......they do tend to be more selfish when taking the drug of choice. But because they know of no other way to live. Imagine having such a horrific past that you can't just life.......imagine having such a bad self worth that you can't just live. Imagine being trafficked as a child and not being able to forget those memories and just live.......

Be thankful that you are able too

Some People have struggles that most only read of in books of fiction.

Rather than say. Wow. Yes you're in a bad place. Yes you've not had a good time. But my god. You can change all that and thank you for filling me in on your life. No Instead you write that post.

I will help anyone that asks for it.

I believe in second chances. Not for everyone. But as far as I'm aware. This person hasn't done anything to me. To her child. So yes. I'd help her.

Be thankful you can just live....

I'm the only survivor in my family of alcoholics. My Mum was an alcoholic throughout my childhood, it was horrid looking back, but at the time it was my normal.
It's killed Mum at 64, my, DB at 39 and then my Dad at 67 (his led to liver cancer)

I just wanted to send strength and support to the OP. No questions, my Mum never sought help, I wish she had. Xx

@Happyheartlovelife I believe the OP admitted to being intoxicated on the school run earlier. She has been clear that her child is sad at the way she currently is & wants their mummy back. The idea that she "hasn't yet done anything" to her child is nonsense.

OP, if you are still reading, I genuinely wish you all the best in beating this. Say it, mean it, do it. Good luck.

@Happyheartlovelife addiction by its definition is selfish.
Addicts are the most selfish people going.
That may or may not be their fault but to say you haven't met a selfish addict cannot be true.
2nd chances are all well and good but it's never a 2nd chance is it, it's a 50th chance and then some to end up back at square one.
I recommend anyone to look at the sober recovery forums that share the voices of friends and family and recovered addicts themselves and the majority will tell you any help in any way is just blocking their fall to the bottom and enables the addiction further.
Rehab is not for the majority successful and we know this as fact.
Those homeless addicts you help have no doubt left a trial of destruction in their wake and its those people who have my sympathies

Muting this thread now - some of the comments here are truly disgusting

OP - huge luck to you. Well dine for going to SS asking for help and support - aim sorry but not in the least bit surprised that they have done diddly squat. P

Please feel free to DM me.

Grit your teeth and get this done - also contact Family Rights Group.

When someone is drinking 5 bottles of wine a day i am really not sure compos mentis "choice" comes into it. Quote from alc.org: "alcohol makes it harder for the prefrontal cortex to work as it should, disrupting decision-making and rational thought. In this way, alcohol prompts you to act without thinking about your actions. Alcohol reduces the functions of the behavioral inhibitory centers in the brain, Forbes reports"

I think after a detox and period of being sober then choice and selfishness comes into it. But in the throws of dependency not so much. I have never been alcoholic, but for the grace of God and all that, but the above is as clear as mud to me, not sure why it is so hard for some people to understand.

As to why people get into drink:

• the heavy social drinkers i know drink from habit but all these can stop at will without a problem.
• the alcoholics i know all are covering up deep pain, being sober brings the pain to the surface so they drunk to squish it, and then the drink at some point became the focus and they then could not stop drinking, so i would imagine trauma is a big part of it for them. But it isn't the trauma which is in fact the problem, it is the fact that the person has never learned to live with and process and deal with and get over the painful feelings. This is where really good therapy can help, and we can all also teach our children to learn to deal with emotions and this makes it more likely they will make good choices and less likely they will not be able to process pain to the extent that they get buried by it.

@MrsCalypsoGrant

You are of course entitled to your suspicions, but they don't trump the professional experience of someone who has assisted many addicts in the field for over twenty years. Her experiences chime with my closest friend who is a doctor specialising in addictions & formerly clinical director at The Priory (& also the child of two now dead alcoholics.) I don't have equivalent expertise or experience to the professionals you mention, but those professionals aren't posting. I think the problem might be that you are not paraphrasing their opinions correctly - can you get them to read and provide their thoughts themselves? I wasn't posting in an ill informed or rude way at all, I simply disagreed with what you said.

With regard to the removal of children from people who are abusing substances & subjecting their children to chaotic & severely traumatic lives, what "other ways" of dealing with such situations would you suggest? Spending your childhood as a looked after child is also often horrific, chaotic, severely traumatic and there are many, many things we as a society could be doing differently. However, I doubt very much a discussion between you and I on the subject would be particularly fruitful, so I will leave it there with you.

@MrsCalypsoGrant I just read back what I wrote up thread in the small hours, having been woken by a child and on the net while they fell back asleep so I was a bit groggy - I can see why you thought it was rude as it was your partner - saying a counsellor isn't skilled isn't rude in itself but I can see why you might have taken offence. However, it does sound as though you might be misquoting them - maybe not. I don't agree with what you wrote but I am not holding out myself as an expert.

I was an alcoholic mother . I went to AA and got help. Been sober 12+ years now and not only do l have a great relationship with my grown up kids, l have my step kids living with me . It is possible . Ring the AA helpline and give yourself a chance . Good luck xx

I think you're being very brave to do this AMA and I wish you all the luck in the world in achieving sobriety again. And you will do - keep faith in yourself, you'll get there.

@strictlysocialdistancing My partner read all I wrote on every post & agreed with it before I posted it. This is her longtime experience working in alcohol support services (alongside other social services including around DV, prostitution & other addictions.) I see from the thread that others who like me have actually lived with alcoholism & seen it at the closest quarters have the same take on it.

Before I really understood the world of the alcoholic my view was very different, I suppose I considered myself more progressive & sought to be understanding. I felt that the voices of the professionals - who are often tough with clients - were unduly harsh & possibly counter-productive. I now know why this approach is the correct one.

I agree support should be put in place for people with addictions, & earlier than it is now. There is desperate need for broader societal change, right down to the "wine o'clock/hurrah for gin" culture which normalises alcohol intake as part of societal survival. But we have to accept that 98% of alcoholics do not get dry & the children involved in those chaotic lives - who are as much victims of that addiction as the drinker - will more often than not need to be removed for their own safety.