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AMA

Ex-Mormon /Latter-day saint (LDS) AMA

158 replies

Someonesayroadtrip · 14/09/2020 21:51

I was born into the pretty much Mormon faith (parents converted when I was tiny) and I was fully converted and fully believed. Myself and family had "leadership" positions etc. Feel free to ask me anything.

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Someonesayroadtrip · 25/09/2020 18:31

@PixelatedLunchbox

Thanks *@someonesayroadtrip* Best wishes in your continued journey into freedom.
Thank you.
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Someonesayroadtrip · 27/09/2020 17:58

@Parkandride

Why are so many bloggers mormon!? Is it considered a good way of spreading the word

One blogger I saw got remarried about 6 weeks after being widowed, would that be considered normal or to be encouraged? I think she was sealed to the first husband but I'm not too sure what that means?

I guess I never noticed how many were until you pointed it out. I guess I just assumed I ended yo following people who were my faith because they were my faith rather than there being so many.

We are encouraged to tell everyone. Everyone is your brother and sister and you are the only ones to know this truth. So you want all your brothers and sisters to know the same truth and "partake of the fruits" of the gospel. We are told great will be our joy if we bring one soul unto christ. There are lots fo stories of inventive ways that people have brought friends and neighbours into the church.

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Packlunchhell · 27/09/2020 19:18

Wow I’ve just read the ces letter and letter to my wife for the first time today.
I can’t believe the lies they tell from primary to yw to sacrament. I’m so angry . Js was a fraud. Everything I ever believed has been a real lie. I also can’t believe the church is so rich . Frig I basically grew up in a cult.

Someonesayroadtrip · 27/09/2020 21:26

@Packlunchhell

Wow I’ve just read the ces letter and letter to my wife for the first time today. I can’t believe the lies they tell from primary to yw to sacrament. I’m so angry . Js was a fraud. Everything I ever believed has been a real lie. I also can’t believe the church is so rich . Frig I basically grew up in a cult.
Oh I'm so so sorry. It's the most horrendous thing when you find out the truth. I am so sorry. Please feel free to PM me and I'll give you my email or Facebook or phone or whatever if you need to talk.

I think for me it was that when I read letter to my wife I took weeks, literally as I cross checked the facts and looked information up on he church websites. I know that the church had removed a lot of information, like all the ensigns ore 1970s have been removed and I know they were there as I used them.

The search facilities also don't bring up items, like kinderhook plates even when the information is there.

Are you active?

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Someonesayroadtrip · 27/09/2020 21:28

@Packlunchhell just connected the dots, and realised you left a few years ago. Nevertheless I know how it's feels when you realise you have been lied to all you life. Still here if you need me. Anytime.

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Packlunchhell · 28/09/2020 00:03

Hi not active but all my family is and I have massive guilt and worry lots about not being active. I guess I left because I felt too restricted. I got married to a non member and it was easy to start a new life with him . However the church teachings have always been on my mind throughout my life, I do still believe in god , I’m not ready to give that part up.

Someonesayroadtrip · 28/09/2020 09:12

@Packlunchhell

Hi not active but all my family is and I have massive guilt and worry lots about not being active. I guess I left because I felt too restricted. I got married to a non member and it was easy to start a new life with him . However the church teachings have always been on my mind throughout my life, I do still believe in god , I’m not ready to give that part up.
I think you do what's right for you and if the church feels right for you then contact them. You know things now and will have your eyes wide open but if that's still feels right then go back.

As for those who leave, I think it's probably a 50/50 divide between those who believe in God and those who don't believe in any God.I don't have any evidence to back that up, it's just what I have observed.

I do sometimes think the church taught me good things, good morals growing up, but it's also taught me a lot of things that were harmful. Having not known anything else and having primary songs and changing young women's themes etc really stuck for a long time and still now. There have been so many learning opportunities for me since leaving, the world isn't any less moral without God, there have been studies done on it and most people have the same sense of morality with or without religion.

I guess I also understood extremists too, I mean I was that convinced of my religion that I would have died for it. I would like to think that I wouldn't have killed other innocent people but the fact was I was so sure of what happened after death that I would have done anything that was asked of me willing. That's a really scary thought for me know. I went to university and was taught critical thinking, yet I didn't use it when it mattered most.

Finally, there can be a seen of community in "exmo" groups. I'm on a few Facebook groups and following a Exmormon (exmolex) on YouTube. I am lucky though that I have my husband who went through the same and we left together and have that sense of shared journey which really helps, and while my parents are members and there were some difficult times, we have remained very close throughout it.

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Dillydallyingthrough · 28/09/2020 10:19

OP thank you so much for starting this thread and being so honest with your answers. Please feel free to ignore my question, as I realise this is very sensitive.

I watched a documentary on JW/LDS and paedophilia and how they encourage the police not be called. So no charges are ever brought. In the doc was a guy that had been part of the LDS and said he left as an adult and by the time he reported the crime he was out of time (it was in the US). His abuser was still part of the church and was basically given a telling off. It was so awful, a young man who had lost all his family and friends and not able to get justice. Is this the case with Mormons?

Someonesayroadtrip · 28/09/2020 11:46

@Dillydallyingthrough

OP thank you so much for starting this thread and being so honest with your answers. Please feel free to ignore my question, as I realise this is very sensitive.

I watched a documentary on JW/LDS and paedophilia and how they encourage the police not be called. So no charges are ever brought. In the doc was a guy that had been part of the LDS and said he left as an adult and by the time he reported the crime he was out of time (it was in the US). His abuser was still part of the church and was basically given a telling off. It was so awful, a young man who had lost all his family and friends and not able to get justice. Is this the case with Mormons?

Obviously there is no official data but I suspect it's a major problem in the church. What I do know is many many many people arrested these days, mostly in the State for child pornography or sexual assaults, HAD been reported to the Mormon church who had brushed it under the carpet.

I know of people who have done everything to try and bring their abusers to justice and the church has used their sensitive and private information to make them seem incredible witness, information gained via private "bishops interviews".

I know that from my own experience there isn't a safe and real means of making any complaints. I reported my stake president and bishop for their behaviour, albeit not the same thing as sexual abuse at all, and there isn't any real process. I reported by writing to their "superiors" who just sent the information back to them and gave them access to church lawyers to assess if they had any concerns and how best to play it out. My complains were never addressed other that that said Stake president me that he had spent hours on the phone to legal assessing if they had anything to worry about and that they didn't, so u was welcome to take legal action if I so desired.

I also know, in my own ward, of a child that was sexually assaulted, the church only found out as he had geotagged his photos and disturbed online and it was traced back. The ward did not make it public and did not contact parents whose children may have been in contact with the man. Despite the police asking them to. It's was just quietly swept under the rug.

As members we have "worthiness" interviews with an adult male leader, usually the bishop or his counsellors. These interviews include questions on if we are "chaste" or keeping the law of chastity. These interviews are conducted on children from aged 8 or just before and regularly as youth. With just the bishop and child present.

Recently there have been changes and they suggest inviting parents to attend if they desire and doing these interviews in rooms which have internal windows (these are usually very very small slit style windows in the door).
While the church only instructs the question, do you yourself chaste or do you keep the law of chastity, there is often a lot of conversation around this question. Bishops OFTEN ask youth if they understand the question and ask them to explain it back to them. Children sometimes ask what that means and the bishop will explain what that means.

Some, although rarer, will ask very sexually explicit questions, such as about Masturbation, oral sex, pornography, all of which the church discourages.

Finally, I think the sense of community that is lovely is also dangerous, you feel safe in community and let your guard down, children often run free after church with little supervision, we expect others to be safe adults, I know I did. The church doesn't require any DBS checks (it may in Scotland, not sure, but not in England and Wales), and there are definitely stories of people leaving their children with adults where horrendous things have happened. You trust other Mormons even if there are clear warning bells.

To add as well, I think we are taught young that parents are to be honour and obeyed and leaders and adults are to be honoured and obeyed. There is a conflicting message when things go wrong, I think Mormon/LDS children and youth are more at risk than other groups, although I suspect it's very common in organised religion.

There are so so many cases do child abuse and sexual abuse in the church, when you look at the real figure of the active membership which is around 4 million opposed to the 15 million the church quotes, then it makes the number of cases even more startling. We all know how few sexual abuse crimes get reported and convicted, it's really scary.

I was assaulted once as a teenager, it wasn't in church, it was in school. I learnt to keep quiet because we are taught that even sexual abuse victims carry seem blame. I felt guilt because a gang of boys thought it was ok to put their hands in my pants, when I was trying to push them off and get away. It's startling to be now. As I say, my assault was nothing to do with church, but how I reacted and how I felt was everything to do with it. I had a non member friend who had to explain to me what happened and why it wasn't my fault. Plus, of course, you have to forgive and forget because if you don't, you carry the bigger sin.

It's startling because I had locked that away, It only resurfaced during the metoo campaign and I was shocked when my husband was so angry someone did that and sad he didn't know. I hadn't even digested it myself.

So, yes, I think it's a major challenge/problem. I don't think it's unique to the Mormon church, but I believe their handling of it is very very poor. If anything, I would like to see more robust safety and complaints in place. They changed policies a few years ago but within the time of my complaint and clearly it's an exceptionally poor system.

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Dillydallyingthrough · 28/09/2020 12:28

OP thank you so much for answering so fully. Its interesting as young man in the documentary said very similar to you, respect parents/adults, a safe environment as family orientated, and being questioned by an elder in the church on sexual behaviour. I really hope that the church becomes much more robust in vetting and reporting crimes to the police. I'm also so sorry you want through that experience and did not have the support you needed at the time.

I'm sure like many posters I'm really in awe of your strength and courage to stand up for what you believe in and leave everything you had known. You are an amazing mother and person.

Someonesayroadtrip · 28/09/2020 12:40

@Dillydallyingthrough

OP thank you so much for answering so fully. Its interesting as young man in the documentary said very similar to you, respect parents/adults, a safe environment as family orientated, and being questioned by an elder in the church on sexual behaviour. I really hope that the church becomes much more robust in vetting and reporting crimes to the police. I'm also so sorry you want through that experience and did not have the support you needed at the time.

I'm sure like many posters I'm really in awe of your strength and courage to stand up for what you believe in and leave everything you had known. You are an amazing mother and person.

I'm not sure about that and I wish I had left because I discovered everything rather than understanding it all afterwards.

A lot of Mormons themselves recognise it, they have campaigned for safe interviews or no interviews. Some have been excommunicated for it, it's definitely a divisive issues.i really stand in awe of those who in good standing and believing will stand up to the organisation and say its wrong about something.

Some morons are very woke about things. I wasn't though. I probably believed I was, but I wasn't.

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Someonesayroadtrip · 10/11/2020 17:33

Thought I would refresh and see if anyone had any more questions?

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mummytonicekidz · 25/11/2020 16:15

@Someonesayroadtrip

Thought I would refresh and see if anyone had any more questions?
Thanks for this whole thread. My partner was a Morman a long time ago ( from Birth until he divorced) and after leaving was shunned by his parents , siblings, friends etc Some of the things he has told me are so out of this world I have found it hard to believe.
MeMarmite · 29/11/2020 23:40

Ah, I left Mormonism about 18 months ago and had my name removed via GDPR laws at the beginning of this year. My stbx is still deeply involved in the organisation. I've since come out as lesbian and life is much fuller, richer and happier than I ever dreamed.

Dogdaysarehere · 01/12/2020 22:38

Not really a question but I had a boyfriend at university who was Mormon. It didn’t really register until I met his family as he drank alcohol, we had sex etc. He wasn’t a virgin and lived what seemed a ‘normal’ life at the time. He had a big family who were all Mormon and probably knew he didn’t follow the rules although he didn’t flaunt it in front of them. I met them a lot and we weren’t allowed to sleep in the same bed when we stayed over.

He actually cheated on me with another Mormon girl and I’ve since found out he had started relationships with several Mormons, led them to believe they would marry, slept with them then dumped them. We had an on-off relationship in our last year of uni, until one night he left his phone with me and I uncovered it all. Messaging 4 or 5 girls from the church where we were at uni and where he grew up and arranging to meet them for sex. He’s now married to a mormon from America but was messaging me the night before their wedding for sex. I’m sure she has no idea he wasn’t a virgin let alone the other messing about.

I often wonder how common this is and how he got away with it? This was some time ago (mid 00s) and looking back I feel sad for the girls he was messing around - they sounded so naive.

Someonesayroadtrip · 26/01/2021 20:56

There are people who sleep around and there are people who cheat. My first boyfriend cheated on me with his roommate and then cheated on her, he married her and now divorced. No idea why. We didn't have sex though.

I've only has sex with my husband and him me.

In all likeliness it happened much more than I realised but I was so indoctrinated that I didn't notice. I know some Americans practice dipping where they state if they penis isn't moving it's not sex. 😆 I haven't actually spoken to someone who practiced this though.

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jamesfailedmarshmallows · 27/01/2021 08:56

Just saw this thread, growing up we must have been on a Mormon circuit or something as every week we would have missionaries at the door. The British ones were very shy and reserved but the American ones were very brash and would guilt trip you into inviting them in. They would stay several hours too because "you can't let us walk around in the rain" Hmm

There is a large Scottish family who have been on TV, they were committed Mormons but have since left the church, do you know who I mean?

Someonesayroadtrip · 27/01/2021 14:19

Yes I think so, there are a two families who have both been on TV. The ones I know are from Dundee.

Yes, Missionaries have weekly goals of people they teach, contact etc. They have to report back to the ward and the mission president and They are rebuked if they don't contact enough people or teach enough people. It's crazy how I didn't see the problem with this at the time.

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StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 27/01/2021 14:28

Glad this thread has popped up again. Have you heard s2 of the podcast unfinished? Its about the fundamentalist lds church. The same company made a podcast called the dream about mlm schemes. It seems theres an overlap between mlms and the mormon church. Not really a question but fascinating listening. Beautiful storytelling.

Someonesayroadtrip · 27/01/2021 15:01

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Glad this thread has popped up again. Have you heard s2 of the podcast unfinished? Its about the fundamentalist lds church. The same company made a podcast called the dream about mlm schemes. It seems theres an overlap between mlms and the mormon church. Not really a question but fascinating listening. Beautiful storytelling.
No, I do enjoy watching different things so I'll look it up.
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Marmite27 · 27/01/2021 15:10

@museumum

I live near a church (not sure if that’s the right word?) and find the young American students charming but so naive. Do they all survive the mission thing? I can imagine it’s very tough and they must get abuse at times.
There is a church at the bottom of the road my 6th form collage was on. I can spot a Mormon on a mission from a mile off. It’s not just the suits and black badges, they have a distinct (attractive to me Wink) look.

I turned a programme on last year and said immediately with out any information the speaker on screen was a Mormon. My husband was fascinated and googled some others and did a blind test. I got 100% right.

The programme was about the connection between MLM and Mormons. Do you have any opinions on that and is it prevalent in the church in the UK?

starfishmummy · 27/01/2021 15:24

The family history they do is great for those of us who are also trying to find our ancestors.

Trivial question really but some of their records are only viewable if we go to one of their family history centres. Ive been scared to go in case they try to convert me....is that something they will try to do?

veeeeh · 27/01/2021 16:22

There is a YouTube channel called "Knorpp and South", about a Mormon family who have four bio kids, four adopted from China, two with disabilities. I watch it for their adventures and how they live. Mormonism is not what the channel is about although they are very committed to their religion.

They seem to have plenty of money although neither of them appear to have a "proper" job other than vlogging and bits and pieces. But who knows? Fascinating stuff.

Someonesayroadtrip · 27/01/2021 17:12

Yeah, Mormons have a clean cut look. I spot them too 😆 their special underwear/garments help too.

Yes MLMs are massive, almost every Mormon gets drawn into one at some point, I personally haven't or my husband, my parents did though -Amway, but a lot of women definitely get drawn in. A lot are created in Utah.

I think the same"look at me, look how great everything is" ethos echos in both. People want that get rich quick thing that you flexible, plus we have lots of friends, so it's usually quite effective at first. It very quickly dies off.

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Someonesayroadtrip · 27/01/2021 17:17

@starfishmummy

The family history they do is great for those of us who are also trying to find our ancestors.

Trivial question really but some of their records are only viewable if we go to one of their family history centres. Ive been scared to go in case they try to convert me....is that something they will try to do?

Possibly, depends on who you see I guess. They are seen as a "great missionary tool" and I definitely see a lot of converts form that aspect.

I would like to think they wouldn't but the reality is I don't know. It would be wrong for me to say either way as it's going to be very specific to who you see. Most are in chapels and it's their "calling" the bigger ones I guess are less likely, not sure if they are paid or "called" or missionaries.

However, most are really respectful if you say you're not interested. So if they did bring something up and you just said, something like you at not in religion I think almost everyone would respect that.

I've never been big into that aspect, of course then I'm meant to feel guilt as we are supposed to embrace everything the church offers and do the work for our dead ancestors at the temple. We are very much encouraged to being our own family history "work" to do that at the temple rather than just the work the temple holds.

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