I am Jewish AMA

[Bells3032]

Following answering some Q&As on a thread about the programme Unorthodox thought i'd do an AMA here. I have looked and don't think there's been one since like 2018.

I am a traditional/modern orthodox Jew so not Hasidic like the show but I actually do talks on Judaism as part of my job and I so my knowledge is fairly good and I am rarely embarrassed or offended by questions.

So go ahead AMA

Is it true that your MIL checks your bed sheets for blood after your wedding night to make sure you are a virgin? Can't remember where I read that.

@Elladisenchanted

books.google.co.uk/books?id=9Y9YDwAAQBAJ&pg=PA89&dq=rabbi+natan+one+child&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjZiNWklazpAhUJEcAKHd5lDNMQ6AEIRTAD#v=onepage&q=rabbi%20natan%20one%20child&f=false

read a book today where it was written that rabbi natan said the school of hillel says 'Either a male or female child' to fulfil the mitzvah of procreation and the reason for rabbi natan's interpretation was 'He did not create the world as a waste but formed it for habitation'.(Isaiah) And by producing one child, it is sufficient to habitate. of course this differs from the official halacha of 2 children- 1 boy and 1 girl.

If you are orthodox, would you absolutely follow the halacha, or could you take this commentary to a rav and ask if this is permissible? of course most orthodox couples go above and beyond the halakchic minimum.

@DrDreReturns this sounds more like a chinese tradition than jewish. Died out a long time ago. Maybe my great grandmother had this tradition.

@DrDreReturns no!!! I couldn't imagine anything more mortifying!!!

In the tv show they both kept their night clothes on. Is this normal in ultra orthodox communities or was it for the show?

@DrDreReturns also in such circles, the thought of a girl not being a virgin before her wedding day is really weird. I mean they meet through shidduch. They have arranged dates, those arranged dates are usually at places like hotel lobbies, parks, fairly 'public' places. Where would they get to do hanky panky?

I mean, the thought is so remote and improbable i doubt people even consider virginity.

@Desiringonlychild (disclaimer speaking for my specific community) it's a really intricate area and very affected by individual circumstances rather than interpretations of the text. As much as Judaism has a very big focus on text and learning, it's a lived religion. You're more likely to go your personal rabbi and have a discussion about your circumstances rather than go and argue the different leniencies you want to rely on. There is a very strong cultural focus on children and life revolves hugely around children so it's unusual for people to want only one child. There's usually a reason why and they'd discuss that. If there were medical reasons why it would be contraindicated to have more than one child, the doctors medical opinion would be followed as the commandment to guard your health comes first before the commandment to have multiple children. (Mental health is also considered as part of guarding your health, eg postnatal depression.)

It's an interesting commandment because it's not actually in your control. You could have 10 children, and all are boys, so you haven't fulfilled the commandment, or the man may be infertile. The women themselves don't actually have a commandment to have children. Not every orthodox man marries. It's the kind of question that would really be part of a much larger scholarly discussion discussion about the ins and outs of the text and what does it mean and what are we actually required to do that you'd have with someone a lot more learned than me.

In the programme they had separate beds, is that an ultra orthodox thing or just fictional?

@EachandEveryone can't speak for the satmar community (that's the one in unorthodox) but I am probably what the other Jews on here would classify as ultra orthodox and being intimate fully dressed is something I'd never even heard of before or come across. It may be that satmar have a specific tradition to do this but it's

not a law or practiced by everyone else.

@Elladisenchanted thanks for your thoughtful reply.

I once attended a service where the rabbi's dvar torah was based on questions posed by members of his congregation on whether kids could play with this game which involved sticking stuff up (like with blu tac) on shabbat and the different circumstances/leniencies associated with it (something like if it was prestuck before shabbat, that would be fine). Also the whole issue with shabbat makeup- you aren't allowed to paint your face but somehow so many jewish women i see in orthodox shul are heavily made up. And these are religious women too.I want whatever they are wearing if that perfectly made up face somehow lasted through shabbat dinner and a night's sleep. Maybe they are all using shabbat makeup (powder type so it doesn't stick). But i thought maybe they asked their rav for an alternative solution- after all it is important to look beautiful for shabbat. So i thought maybe the issue about number of children and birth control is similar- there is halacha but you can also ask your rav. My MIL told me there are people who ask a few Rabbis. It kinda differs from my approach (liberal), i don't really need to agree with my rabbi about anything, i read and learn myself.

@paininthepoinsettia the separate beds is true. When nida (menstruating or immediately post natal), we don't have sexual and physical contact, so during those times we separate the beds. In practice some people get a zip and link bed, so it makes a giant super king bed most of the time, or push two single beds together and use a superking sheet to hold them together. When we go on holiday if I know I'm going to be nida we'll make sure to get something with a twin room not a double.

That's really interesting. As a Muslim we don't have sex during a period or postpartum bleeding, but physical touch and everything else apart from sex is fine, as long as the nether region area is covered. So when you say no physical contact, do you mean nothing, even like a hug?

This has been such an informative thread.

@Desiringonlychild I doubt they would be putting make up on on shabbos in a charedi shul. I can't imagine a rabbi giving a heter to break shabbos so a woman could make herself look good! What I know people do is use long wear products like Estee lauder double wear foundation (v popular) which lasts and lasts and heavy duty eyeliner and that long wear maybelline lip stick etc and pack it on on erev shabbos. I remember teenage me looking hilarious on Friday night as I experimented with makeup and chats with my friends about the latest way to make it last. (one bonkers friend had a theory about sleeping sitting up ). Setting sprays etc as well and powder... On a yom tov where shabbos falls immediately after ( a 3 day yom tov) there is a big difference to how I look on the third day compared to the first! Having a sheitel helps as well. I have heard of the powder shabbos makeup but don't know anyone who uses it or whether it's allowed.

Re what your mil says, you're not actually allowed to ask multiple rabbis the same Sheila (halachic question) until you get the answer you want. Obviously we're human and not perfect and possibly some people do 'shop around' for the answer they want.

@paininthepoinsettia no physical contact at all, no hugs kisses etc

I love this thread.
My husbands Grandparents were Ashkenazi from Hamburg in Germany.
His Dad married a none Jew.
It's such a shame that he isn't considered Jewish as both of us love the religion and the history.
We've done his DNA and are fascinated by the connections all over the world.

@Mischance I think it was more your language that was rude. "Do you approve of chopping the foreskin off baby boys" implies that you disagree and dare anyone to challenge you. "Do you agree with circumcision" may have been a bit more polite and less confrontational.

Hi,
Thanks for the thread!

I have something I hope you can help me understand . . .

I was on a plane last year, mine the aisle seat, next to an Jewish man and his son at the window. He asked me to swap seats as he wasn't allowed to sit next to me because if his religion and his son wanted to sit next to the window. he wouldn't make eye contact with me. It felt very strange, and I've always wondered what was going on. Any ideas?!

@ofwarren Reform/Liberal Judaism recognize patrilineal Jews. There was a girl in my synagogue, she has a non Jewish mum but was raised Jewish by her father. Haven't seen her cos of lockdown but when we last spoke, she was very excited about doing her a levels at JFS (which is a mainstream orthodox Jewish school). The rabbis at my synagogue interview the patrilineal Jews to check if they had a Jewish upbringing and issue a certificate accordingly. If not, they go through the conversion process.

This is v common in America where reform Judaism is much stronger.

@Desiringonlychild
Oh that's interesting. He wasn't brought up as a Jew though as his Dad isn't religious at all.
If he did go through conversion, what would happen with me and our son's? I'm assuming as our boys are already born, they would have to convert too?

nov1ce I think because they can’t be close to an unrelated woman. They can ask you to move but you can refuse, and they can no longer get the cabin crew to ask women to move.
www.theguardian.com/world/2017/jun/22/israeli-airline-cant-make-women-move-seats-for-religious-reasons-court-rules

@ofwarren probably have to convert too.. probably best to ask a rabbi. Probably depends on their age, at my synagogue, many of the children of the converts startered cheider while their parents were converting.

It seems the scope of the Rabbi's role is huge. Can anyone become a rabbi or is it handed down from father to son? Is there any awkwardness or embarrassment going to the rabbi about intimate marital things like sex and reproduction?

Also.. there are so many Yiddish words throughout the thread that aren't completely clear (some make sense in context). Are there no translations for them or would that just not make sense?

I'm off to Wikipedia the following for more detail but am i right in thinking there's orthodox, ultra orthodox, reform and then just something in between?

@pondypandy list the words you arent sure about if you want and I can try translate them. Also some are probably Hebrew.

A rabbi is someone qualified to make decisions about Jewish law. It involves years of study and receiving something called semicha - not sure how you translate that one - maybe authorisation. There are some rabbinic dynasties where generations have become rabbis but it is not handed down automatically and has to be earned.

Yes it was awkward at the beginning of marriage whenever we had anything intimate to discuss with the Rabbi. I'm struggling to put this concept into English -'asei lecha Rav'. The literal translation means make for yourself a teacher/spiritual guide. It basically means you are meant to actively seek out the right community and Rav/rabbi for yourself and form a relationship with them so that you can ask questions and have discussions and grow as a Jew. We don't use the same Rabbi that my parents do, he's not the right fit for us and our views in life (hashkafos) and that's fine. Going to him over the years we've formed a relationship with the Rav of our shul and I'm comfortable now asking him all sorts of random questions including some super mundane kashrus questions.

There's a lot more types of Jews than that. And different countries define those words differently, so modern orthodox in England has totally different connotations than jn the USA. And within orthodoxy there are loads and loads of different communities all with slightly different traditions and practices.