Im becoming a surrogate, AMA

[HotPotatoBlessMySoul]

Just had first transfer in hopes of becoming a surrogate for a friend.
Ask away.

Just to be nosy, have you decided who will be there when you give birth? Afaik most hospitals only allow two birth partners, so you couldn't have your dh and both the fathers.

Unfortunately in the UK the laws around surrogacy are very tight and restrictive.

Just curious what you found problematic about the surrogacy laws in the UK?

Unfortunately in the UK the laws around surrogacy are very tight and restrictive. Would love to be able to give this family the gift of a child, must be an incredible feeling

Which country do you think the UK should be emulating in this regard? Most Western European countries ban it entirely, and none have less 'restrictive' laws than the UK.

And a baby isn't a 'gift'. It's a tiny, innocent, human being.

Afaik most hospitals only allow two birth partners, so you couldn't have your dh and both the fathers.

This child is nothing to do with the op’s dh. It’s work.

This child is nothing to do with the op’s dh.

Except he's the legal father and a Parental Order Reporter will have to witness his consent to the making of a Parental Order.

This child is nothing to do with the op’s dh. It’s work.

The purpose of a birth partner is to support the labouring mother. It’s not to see the show. I had my female best friend as my birth partner. She is not my child’s father.

Yet again proving how many people don’t actually consider the woman at all when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth. Just eyes on the prize.

Yet again proving how many people don’t actually consider the woman at all when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth. Just eyes on the prize.

You misunderstand me. I don’t think surrogacy should be allowed. This child has been conceived as a transaction, will be born as a transaction and handed over as a transaction. What has any of that got to do with her husband? She’s just doing this as work.

I don’t think human lives should be treated like that and I don’t think women should be put in the position of damaging their bodies, potentially to the point of death for financial remuneration.

Yet again proving how many people don’t actually consider the woman at all when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth. Just eyes on the prize

That's what surrogacy does. It dehumanises women and turns babies into products to be 'gifted' or sold. It doesn't sound like these intended parents have considered the needs of the OP at all (apart from providing insurance in case she becomes disabled or does of course).

*dies

You misunderstand me. I don’t think surrogacy should be allowed. This child has been conceived as a transaction, will be born as a transaction and handed over as a transaction. What has any of that got to do with her husband? She’s just doing this as work.

What it’s got to do with her husband is that she will be going through an exhausting, difficult, probably prolonged and statistically the most dangerous thing she will ever go through- her husband is the person she has chosen as her right hand man for life so it makes sense that he is also her first choice for support during that very difficult experience. Just like if she was going through surgery for something else- she would want him there. Not to mention that she might die and it could be the last time they are ever together. That’s what it’s got to do with her husband.

I don’t think women should be put in the position of damaging their bodies, potentially to the point of death for financial remuneration.

Totally agree. It shouldn’t be legal.

apart from providing insurance in case she becomes disabled or does of course

I don’t think they’ve even done that. OP is refusing to answer that question.

I can’t help but thinking of the comment on another surrogacy related thread by one poster which was “wealthy women do not become surrogates”.
Says it all really and OP admits “the money helps”. It’s sad and I feel for the child. I’m sure it will be well loved and have a nice life but how can we begin to understand the emotions when the child learns it will never know it’s mother (egg donor) and was handed over at birth by the woman who had carried it for nine months? Try to imagine being told that now, how do you even begin to process that as an adult, never mind a child?

I don’t think they’ve even done that. OP is refusing to answer that question

Sorry I misread and thought they had.

I’m hoping OP is furiously scribbling all these questions down and will put them to her clients.

Op isn’t pick and choosing questions, she’s only answering those that are genuinely interested and not posting goady comments posed as questions you make sure we all know who does and doesn’t agree with surrogacy.

‘Have you thought about what a monster you are?’ isn’t really a genuine question is it, it’s just another way of saying ‘I think you are a monster’. Doesn’t really need an answer.

And like I’ve already said once to you Lochjess- asking OP what has been put in place to protect her financial interests is not goady. Asking if she will still have the support of her partner in the event of long term incapacity is not goady. OP needs to know the answers to these questions before she takes on this huge risk. She is the only one in this scenario taking on any of this risk and for no return. She gains nothing from it. She needs to protect herself and prioritise her own financial security.

I don’t think I’m being goady. But I do hope my posts might make the OP think again about the impact on her existing children as well as the baby she is planning to make.

OP what counselling have your DC received? What provisions have you made for their psychological support as they grow up and find it hard to understand how Mummy gave their sibling away? What makes you think your children are able to cope with their natural feelings of loss?

Is your DH really not going to be resentful of having of the extra work and stress a pregnancy will bring to his plate when it's not for his baby?

You must be being ' paid' enough to make this appealing to both of you. The 'expenses' sounds disingenuous. If I added up the costs to me and my family prior to having a baby or my second baby, they are minimal. The high costs come after a baby is born - baby equipment, loss of earnings for months to years afterwards.

The vitamins, maternity clothes, childcare during appointments and labour, time off work during the few weeks before labour and few weeks afterwards? Not that much unless you work full time and take home £5000 per month. And my guess is if you had that type of salary you wouldn't jeopardise it by taking time out to create a baby for someone else.

Thats interesting to hear that surrogacy is not permitted in any other European countries.

I looked into surrogacy once. Before I looked into the affect of the baby.
So I was actually a member of the Facebook groups and forums.

Expenses can also be extra food, a cleaner, petrol etc etc think of every single minute thing.

When expenses were discussed i would say I saw £9-£15K from peoples previous pregnancies.

It's a loophole.

How many of us spent that on our pregnancies without equipment for the actual baby?

It's a way to pay the surrogate for being a surrogate without actually saying it's payment.

And hands down I was going to do it for the money. We don't need it as in we are relatively well off but that's a decent chunk of cash.

Thats interesting to hear that surrogacy is not permitted in any other European countries.

"Altruistic" surrogacy is permitted in some European countries, but the majority - including Germany, France, Norway, Italy and Switzerland - ban it entirely.

Given that there are so many ethical minefields involved - some of them discussed in this thread - that to me is the only sensible option.

So other countries are recognising the harm surrogacy can do and banning it, at the same time the UK is considering changing the law to proposals which appear incompatible with the Children's Act. Where is all the impetus for change coming from? This can't all be because Lance Dustin Black had a strop surely.

How do you feel about bringing a child into the world, only to deprive it intentionally of a mother?

I think it’s abhorrent, and the idea of a child without a mother is some kind of dystopian nightmare. The poor child.

MoltoAgitato Deprived of two mothers in fact as the egg was donated.

PiratePetespajamas

Can you not see the problem with you, as a biased adult, deciding 4 children you know look fine so meh, let’s just leave it it’s a grey area.

Were you raised by your biological mother? Are your children being raised by their biological mother? Did you see the parents fertility struggles and how happy their babies made them? Do you like the parents? Do you have an established emotional relationship with them? Have you ever studied emotional development, attachment disorder, bonding, etc? All these things, and more, will make you view the situation with rose tinted glasses.

They are currently still small children, with a limited world view and understanding, brains are not fully developed until mid twenties. You do not see them 24/7, you do not have a deep understanding of their emotional/psychological health, why would you? Who knows what will happen to them and how they will feel in the future?

Surrogacy puts an adults wants above a child’s needs. It’s indefensible.