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AMA

I am a post-op transgender man - AMA

141 replies

iamthespark · 26/12/2018 23:08

Hello everyone!

Just as the title says, really. My name is Fabian. I am a post-operative transgender man - meaning I was assigned female at birth and affirmed my gender as male as I grew up, first on a societal level and then through surgery - who has some time to kill after the annual Christmas Mess. The life and times of transgender people seems to be a bit of a topic of conversation on MN (and in the world as a whole), so I thought it might be nice to shed some light on some questions, if I can.

Intentionally goady or deliberately insulting comments will be laughed at - there's honestly nothing I've not heard before, and my skin has grown very thick over the years - but for the most part, I truly will answer absolutely anything. I work on the assumption that all questions are genuine, however they might be worded, so I'll treat pretty much everything as such.

I hope everyone had a lovely holiday!

OP posts:
iamthespark · 26/12/2018 23:47

You'll have to forgive me for messy formatting - I've not posted on MN before, so inevitably I'll make some mistakes!

MoseShrute
How old were you when you first felt you were the wrong sex?
My first conscious memory of feeling uncomfortable in my birth gender was when I was seven, in the 'tomboy' phase. I had put on my clothes for the day and wondered if people would actually think I was a little boy. The thought made me overwhelmingly happy.

Isadora2007
If you felt your gender was first via society- does that not mean you are biologically female but feel more suited to male gender roles in our society rather than that you “are” a man?
Personally, no. It was clumsy wording, perhaps, in my introduction - I knew I was a little boy many, many years before I started changing in society. In my own estimation, memories and identity of myself, I have always been a man. Some people may disagree! That's fine, because as the end of the day it doesn't affect me too much - I'm happy in my body now, and happy with the man I am.

BobbyBanana
^What's so awful and /or limiting about being a woman that you don't want to be identified as one?
Can you not see a world where you can be female but feel inside however you want?^
I'm afraid this is one of those answers where it's very hard to voice it accurately. It was awful and limiting for me personally because I wasn't a woman. I understand that's easy to say and not so easy to express. It all comes down to a person's internal thoughts and feelings, I suppose - obviously there is nothing wrong with womanhood in all its forms, but it was disingenuous (not only to myself but to my family, loved ones and the women around me) to continue masquerading as something I wasn't. I tried extremely hard, for many many years, to come to terms with womanhood, but I felt I was lying to the people I loved, every single day. I had to put a stop to that.

spreadingchestnuttree
Do you think you could have come to terms with feeling male within a female body without having surgery? Eg if surgery wasn't available or an option at all?
For myself, no. I had an awful lot of therapy and counselling before transitioning was ever on the table, and continued with it throughout the entire process, but eventually I did reach an extremely low point where it was transition medically - hormones and surgery - or do something terrible. Unfortunately, if I hadn't had access to the treatments I had, I'm afraid it probably would have been the latter choice. Obviously, my experience is not the experience of all trans people, but I don't think I had the fortitude to cope without the support I got.

WeShouldOpenABar
Why not choose an average male name if you truly want to fit in as male, is fabian not a ridiculous name for a mills and boon character
You aren't the first one to say this, haha! Fabian was actually a name my mother picked - I wanted her involved in the process, and so offered to let her name me for a second time. She picked Fabian almost immediately. After a few years, I learned to love it!

Urbanbeetler
Was the bottom surgery successful? It looks particularly complex for f to m, more so than m to f. I hope you are in a happy place, right for you.
It was - thank you! It was a long, arduous, utterly awful process if we're being honest, but I'm more than happy with the final result.

Didyeeaye
^Well done for posting. That's really good (and brave) of you.
My question is...What's your opinion on giving blockers to children given your lived experience?^
Thank you for your support. In my opinion, blockers should be considered only when a child has expressed repeated, ongoing convictions that they feel uncomfortable in their birth gender. To question one's gender at a young age is so, so natural - almost all children do it. As such, to provide blockers at the first mention of it is unrealistic and reckless. However, if a child is showing mental distress to the point of illness, then blockers are an opportunity to 'pause' things, as it were, until their feelings or emotions have been settled. Once support and help has been found for the child, then a more suitable way forward can be planned out - with or without the help of blockers, depending.
Personally, blockers would have been a lifesaver for me as a transgender child, but I certainly wouldn't advocate their usage on every kid that asked a question about gender!

OP posts:
iamthespark · 26/12/2018 23:51

JaneJeffer
Why are you such a slow typist?
Dodgy joints and underestimating the speed of MNetters, I'm afraid! Just getting to the rest of the previous page's questions now.

OP posts:
SlightAggrandising · 26/12/2018 23:53

Do you know how puberty blockers work?

JaneJeffer · 26/12/2018 23:53

Xmas Grin ok.

Do you feel sad that you won't now be able to give birth?

00100001 · 26/12/2018 23:59

Why do you use gender and sex interchangeably?

OnAScaleOf1to10ItsA7 · 27/12/2018 00:03

Sorry if this is super personal but was there any particular triggering event that made you decide you were male?

I’m asking because I’m wondering about the reportedly high correlation of child sexual abuse and transgenderism and whether your transition was partly about erasing your previous self because something awful happened?

Likewise, there is a reportedly high correlation of trasngenderism and autism. Have you ever had a mental health diagnosis like that?

Jsmith99 · 27/12/2018 00:09

Can you get an erection? Can you ejaculate?

iamthespark · 27/12/2018 00:31

yawning801
Do you think that being transgender is seen as more of a "trend" among young people? And if so, is it clouding the general perception of transgender people IYSWIM?
At the moment, yes I do. Of course, there's always been that general sense of 'otherness' amongst young people, and labels tend to feel like a good way to cling to some sort of meaning or place in the world - at the moment, I think gender identity is something of a hot topic in that respect. And I do think it's having some impact on the perception of trans people as a whole, yes. It's also not particularly helped by doctors who insist on a GID diagnosis the second a child questions their gender. As mentioned in a previous answer, questioning gender and identity is perfectly normal in children - it doesn't mean they're all trans! Unfortunately, there's a vocal chunk of the medical profession who seem to be giving children this 'now or never' ultimatum when it comes to their lifelong identity, which obviously isn't good for anyone, least of all the child in question.

NicoAndTheNiners
^Why did you feel you had to become a man rather than gender non conforming female?
What does it mean when trans people say they feel like the opposite sex? How can they know what the opposite sex feels like?^
This is the eternal question, I'm afraid! My honest, basic answer is, I don't know. After all, there is certainly not a wealth of difference in how men and women view and interact with the world - it's all the same, in the long run. We're all human. But I knew that by living in the world as a woman - be it tomboy, feminine, GNC or anything else, because lord knows I gave it all a go, for a very long time - I was living dishonestly, for myself and for others around me. That's why I transitioned. I didn't know what 'man' felt like - I just knew, 100% for a fact, that I wasn't 'woman'.

EmmaGrundyForPM
^Do you believe you are a man?
How has surgery affirmed that belief?^
Yes, I do. Surgery has made sure that what I look like on the outside matches who I am on the inside, that's all!

Hyppolyta
^Can I ask why you imagine you were "assigned" female? Was your sex not just noted, as standard?
Secondly, do you use male spaces and if so, does if not bother you that you may make males feel uncomfortable?^
Yes, you could also say that.
Yes, I use male spaces. It doesn't bother me for two reasons - what I'm doing in there is of my concern, not somebody elses, and I can't imagine why they'd be looking at me anyway; and to be entirely honest, they wouldn't be able to tell I wasn't born biologically male even if they did manage to get a creepy glance at me.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards
^Are you sexually attracted to men or women?
Are you open with people you meet that you are a trans man?^
Men.
If I feel it will be relevant, yes. I don't exactly introduce myself with it, but if a person is going to be in my life for an extended period of time, I usually find a private moment to mention it. I'm not ashamed of being trans, and I do advocate work in my day-to-day life, so it's a conversation I'm very used to having!

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross
^What does "assigned female" mean?
To "assign" means to designate or allocate which suggests that you think biological sex is chosen in some way by doctors/parents/whoever rather than simply being determined based on an observation of genitalia.^
As mentioned up above - yes, one could just as easily say it was determined and noted down by a doctor.

PolyKit
Do you think a gay man should be attracted to you? Would you think him a homophobe if he had no desire to have sex with any man who was born female?
Personally I don't think anyone should be attracted to me - generally speaking I'm a pretty poor specimen. Fortunately, my husband doesn't seem to mind!
I think it's very personal to the man in question - some gay men are totally fine with the situation, and others are not, and that's entirely their prerogative. Nobody is entitled to sex from anyone, and it matters not a inch what their reasoning is. If a man didn't want to have sex with me because I was born with a vagina, then I wouldn't hold that against him for a moment - his reasoning is his own, and not mine to question.

I've skipped a few questions because they cover the 'assigned at birth' thing, which I've responded to up above! Clumsy wording on my part again, I'm afraid - you can just as easily say 'noted', 'designated', 'written down', whichever is preferred. Either way, I was born with a female reproductive system.

AdultHumanFemale
^So many questions I want to ask you, thank you for posting. You don't say how old you are, do you mind sharing? I'm only asking as I wonder to what extent social media has played a part in supporting your decision to transition. My nephew is a young transguy, who has lived his life pretty much online for the last 6 years, finding a lot of encouragement from an online community of transmen.
I also wonder, and perhaps I'm not allowed to ask as it may violate MN guidelines, in which case don't answer, but do you believe that you have actually changed biological sex, or simply altered your physical appearance to better suit your gender expression?
Finally, are you arattracted to men or women? If you are attracted to men, how supportive (read willing to engage romantically and sexually) have you found gay men?
I'd better press 'post' now before someone else asks my questions and I appear to be a latecomer who hasn't RTFT.^
I'm 29. I began my transition in my early teens, between 14-15. Social media was in its infancy when I was young, but honestly, support from other transgender people would have been an absolute godsend at that time. I hope your nephew is doing well!
Honestly, I've had very few sexual relationships - a few ill-advised secondary school flings, the less said about which the better, and then I met my current husband, who was supportive from the very beginning. He's a gay man, and he accepted me from the very start as a romantic and sexual partner. I was extremely lucky to find him.
I haven't fundamentally 'changed' my biological sex, no. I will never have the reproductive system of a man. I have a penis and testicles, which are functional in terms of urination and sex, but I don't produce sperm and as such (obviously) could never father a child naturally. However, my female reproductive system has been removed - I had a full hysterectomy and no longer have a vagina or vulva, and nor do I have breasts. So when I look in the mirror I see a biological man, and that is more than enough for me. So yes, I have altered my physical appearance in order to live a contented, fulfilling life for myself.

SlightAggrandising
Do you want a family?
I have one! I've been happily married for six years, and have the full support of my extended family. We don't have children, but neither of us wanted to have them.

Ploverlover
Have you had any mental health problems diagnosed?
Depression and GAD.

ColdCottage
^What has been the best support you have received from your family, friends and community?
How can people make it easier for you (if you've had any problems)?^
Self-education. Even though part of my day-job is advocacy these days, I used to get very tired of answering the same questions and being everybody's 'go-to trans person', as it were. These days, I live to answer questions and never shut my flipping mouth, but when I was a young depressed teen it meant the world to me if people took the time to educate themselves on the trans experience. It just meant I could relax a little, knowing I wasn't going to be grilled on things that I was still learning about myself.

00100001
What’s your favourite biscuit?
Chocolate Hobnob. Only chocolate. None of this plain nonsense.

OP posts:
Dragon3 · 27/12/2018 00:35

In my own estimation, memories and identity of myself, I have always been a man. Some people may disagree! That's fine, because as the end of the day it doesn't affect me too much

This stood out to me, because it feels rather rare and refreshing to read a transgender person say 'you disagree! That's fine'. Thank you for that.

Do you see transgenderism and transsexualism as distinct from each other?

Thank you for this thread.

Hyppolyta · 27/12/2018 00:38

I love that you let your mother rename you! Grin

Can I ask your experience of health services... do you feel you got the help or support or counselling as well as the medical help to transition?

Were these services sufficient, or how do you think they could be improved?

If you have a GRC Id be intrested in hearing your thoughts about that process, too.

iamthespark · 27/12/2018 00:44

JaneJeffer
Do you feel sad that you won't now be able to give birth?
No, honestly. I never wanted to have children before I transitioned, and that hasn't changed yet - giving birth in particular was never something I wanted. If something changes in the future, my husband and I would likely consider adoption or fostering.

00100001
Why do you use gender and sex interchangeably?
Ill habit, I'm afraid - I'm very sorry about that. I do try to stick to differentiating, but it's been a long Christmas! I'll try to make more of an effort.

OnAScaleOf1to10ItsA7
Sorry if this is super personal but was there any particular triggering event that made you decide you were male?
I’m asking because I’m wondering about the reportedly high correlation of child sexual abuse and transgenderism and whether your transition was partly about erasing your previous self because something awful happened?
Likewise, there is a reportedly high correlation of trasngenderism and autism. Have you ever had a mental health diagnosis like that?
I personally experienced nothing beyond the bounds of usual teenage angst - I've been extremely lucky. I am aware of the statistics and it's likely there is some bearing of truth in them, but I'm afraid I'm not educated enough on the topic to comment. All I know is that I didn't experience a trauma-based shift to my identity.
No diagnosis of autism, but I am diagnosed with depression and GAD, as mentioned. Also fibromyalgia, but I'm not sure there's a correlation there!

Jsmith99
Can you get an erection? Can you ejaculate?
I can get an erection, but not naturally. Rather hilariously, I have to squeeze a pump in my left testicle in order to do so (really sets the mood), but once it's done I'm good to go. I cannot ejaculate male semen, but I do orgasm.

OP posts:
2019Mummy · 27/12/2018 00:44

You missed the feeling thing in my question.

LEMtheoriginal · 27/12/2018 00:46

Thank-you for posting.

Do you think that there is a genetic element to your feeling towards your gender? I can't help but wonder if there will be, at some stage, certain genetic differences identified in trans-gender folk. So whilst you would be XY there would be up/down regulation of certain genes associated with gender.

Do you feel it is nature over nurture? So for instance - if you grew up with brothers so identified more with those. Or do you frel it is more hard-wired than that?

Also sorry for the TMI but how did they construct your penis and does it function as such?

I hope those q are ok

Hyppolyta · 27/12/2018 00:50

I have another, apologise for spamming you with questions!

With regards to fertility, youve said it isnt an issue for you but most 20-30 year old females would be refused a hysterectomy, stupidly on the grounds they may change their mind.

Do you feel enough counselling/ help is available for people like you making these decisions about fertility?

Also, are any options such as egg freezing offered or suggested?

donquixotedelamancha · 27/12/2018 00:52

Hi spark. Two things strike me as very different between the way you speak about your experience and the way stonewall and a lot of the prominent TRAs describe transgenderism.

Firstly, you are very frank and open about your biological sex and the difficulty of trying to define 'feeling like a man/woman'. Some people very loudly argue that there is no such thing as male or female genitals and that sex is a spectrum or a social construct- that to even discuss issues around biological sex is transphobia.

Secondly you've clearly thought a lot about the process you went through, taken medical advice and been through counselling. The same people I mention argue that the act of saying 'I am a man/woman' is what makes someone transgender and that passing or making a meaningful transition is unnecessary.

(Coming to the point) I wondered what you thought about the debate in the last few years? Are you pleased with the prominence of these voices that purport to speak for transgender people? Do you understand why so many MNers have taken up against self ID or do you just see them as bigots?

PhaedrasChocolate · 27/12/2018 00:53

Wow, you can have an orgasm? That's amazing. Do they kind of hook up nerve endings to enable that to happen?

Sorry if I sound clumsy. I actually really admire you for what you must have been through.

JaneJeffer · 27/12/2018 01:02

Does it annoy you that MTF trans people who still have male genitalia are causing such ill feeling between women and the trans community?

Thanks for all your answers so far.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 27/12/2018 01:15

I know you transitioned relatively early in life, but do you feel like you were socialised more as a female or as a male growing up? And when you "pass" after your transition, do you find people treat you any differently as a male than when you were seen as female? The reason I ask is the difficulties I have with TWs I know are mainly that they have been socialised as typically "male" and have the bad habits that male privilege can bring, for example a lack of understanding why I'm not comfortable being leered at in the street or why our female colleagues may not advance as quickly at work. I'd be interested in hearing your experiences on both sides of the fence as it were.

Thank you in advance, and for being so reasonable and respectful to questions from posters on this thread!

Terfing · 27/12/2018 01:21

Hi op,

How would you define the word "male"?

NikiFree · 27/12/2018 01:21

Why does the suicide rate for post surgery trans gender people remain so high. After they get what they want, the suicide risk is immense.

Are you not worried about the long term affects on your health. You had a healthy urethra and now if you've had phalloplasty are likely peeing through a piece of skin from your arm which will be prone to strictures. What will it be like in old age?

Women are at risk of osteoporosis post menopause because of the drop in oestrogen.

You are still a biological XX natal female. Having wiped out your oestrogen with cross sex hormones far earlier than menopause what about the risk to you for osteoporosis and other disorders?

You had a healthy body and made it worse.

rosieposey · 27/12/2018 01:32

I think your answers have been considered and informative so thank you so much for that, I, as the mother of a 23 y o FtoM transman have found them to be really helpful and informative.

My son also asked me to rename him which I happily did. We have been I believe supportive and I was there when he came around from top surgery at the beginning of the year, he will be having bottom surgery in the near future.

A lot of your answers resonate with me and our experience in so far as what he talks to me about. Thank you once again for this, I often avoid trans threads on here as some can be quite upsetting but I really think that you have answered these truthfully. My son is unrecognisable from his former incarnation 7 years ago but that was always his intention 😊

iamthespark · 27/12/2018 02:09

Hi all - just wanted to apologise and say that my Internet has had enough of Christmas and packed up on me. I waged momentous war behind the television, but am forced to admit defeat. I'm posting this on data with my phone, but can't give the decent, well-rounded (read: boring, long-winded) answers I'd like to on a phonescreen. There's some really great questions I'd love to come back to, so I will be back tomorrow to pick up where I left off and get to the questions I've missed. Thanks all for being courteous and pleasant, even if our points of view don't always line up 100%! I'll answer all outstanding questions when my router stops having a raging tantrum.

Thanks again!

OP posts:
Frequency · 27/12/2018 02:49

What downsides have there been to your surgery/hormone treatment and are they honestly worth it?

My daughter is in a relationship with a trans boy who is thinking of going down the surgery/hormone route and I'm terrified for his mental and physical health. Although I call him by his male name, to me he is mentally ill teenage girl who desperately needs help but because he has declared himself trans everyone is focusing on that and not his self-harm, depression, suicidal ideation and abusive home life.

I am scared to death for him and do not want him to transition.

LadyintheRadiator · 27/12/2018 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

picklemebaubles · 27/12/2018 07:50

I'm really enjoying reading your answers.
We don't hear enough from trans men, and your gentle humour and refusal to take offence is refreshing!