I am a post-op transgender man - AMA

[iamthespark]

Hello everyone!

Just as the title says, really. My name is Fabian. I am a post-operative transgender man - meaning I was assigned female at birth and affirmed my gender as male as I grew up, first on a societal level and then through surgery - who has some time to kill after the annual Christmas Mess. The life and times of transgender people seems to be a bit of a topic of conversation on MN (and in the world as a whole), so I thought it might be nice to shed some light on some questions, if I can.

Intentionally goady or deliberately insulting comments will be laughed at - there's honestly nothing I've not heard before, and my skin has grown very thick over the years - but for the most part, I truly will answer absolutely anything. I work on the assumption that all questions are genuine, however they might be worded, so I'll treat pretty much everything as such.

I hope everyone had a lovely holiday!

[iamthespark]

Branleuse
Do you have any plans in place for when the NHS is privatised or after brexit for your long term healthcare?
Did it ever concern you that there might very well be a time when drugs, hormones etc are not available freely, now youve had all this cosmetic surgery and require medication for the rest of your life?
Since you presumably went through female puberty as normal and now say that you pass pretty well as if a man, does it concern you about the premature medicalisation of children pre-puberty and all the issues that can bring, rather than encouraging children to go through puberty naturally and seeing how they feel when they are older and possibly more of an age to make lasting decisions
Yes, I have plans in place for any post-Brexit eventualities. It is a major concern for me and other transgender people, but we are supported by various gender clinics and have hope for our long-term healthcare. To be honest, it's only one of many, many concerns I have about Brexit, but I suppose I'll lumber across that bridge when we eventually come to it.
Yes, it is a concern. I do 100% believe that some children know what they are from a very young age - I did, and for me personally, medical intervention such as blockers would have helped me immensely and saved me a lot of psychological pain. But as I've mentioned before, gender confusion and questioning in young children is extremely normal, and it's rare that a child doesn't question their identity in one way or another - that certainly doesn't mean they're all trans! For this reason, I think placing a child on medication at the first instance of gender confusion is wildly reckless and inappropriate - talking and counselling should always, always come before medical intervention.

AssassinatedBeauty
Do you believe in a souls or gendered brains? You say several times that you were always a boy/man, but do you therefore believe that you have a male soul or a male brain somehow incorrectly appearing in a female body? Or do you think that there is something different in your brain that is causing your brain to reject the sex of you body, causing the body dysphoria?
Personally, no. I'm something of a dullard and don't really go in for souls; nor do I think there's any difference whatsoever in the brain of a man or a woman, in terms of base usage. However, it may be brain-based in some way in terms of 'faulty wiring', or perhaps there's a genetic element in some respect, but I have no idea of the specifics or the science behind any of it. All I know for sure is that whatever it is, it happened to me, and it has happened to thousands of other people across the world, throughout history. There must be something quantifiable going on.

[Rufusthebewilderedreindeer]

You aren't the first one to say this, haha! Fabian was actually a name my mother picked - I wanted her involved in the process, and so offered to let her name me for a second time. She picked Fabian almost immediately. After a few years, I learned to love it!

I was thinking that...but its a lovely answer

[fatbrows]

How do you want people to react when you tell them your trans? Are you okay with them being taken aback at first?

[FoldyRoll]

Thank you for this thread Fabian. Your honesty and willingness to discuss is refreshing. I'm sorry to hear of the abuse and violence you have suffered.
Many of the things you have said chime with what women and transsexual women say on the Feminist board here, which gets us denounced as bigots, TERFS, transphobes and truscum. Why do you think the more vocal trans activists reserve so much vitriol for Mumsnet in particular, and have you ever been called truscum or transphobic for your views?

[iamthespark]

Hyppolyta
Id like to go back to an earlier question, about using male spaces.
You say no one would recognose you as female, even if they did get a "creepy" glance.
This may be true for you, but isnt for many transpeople. Many men, and women, feel uncomfortable sharing these spaces with people of the opposite sex.
Do you think people have a right to sex segregated spaces, based on biological sex?
If not, can you explain why?
Difficult one. I went many years being a transgender man who didn't look male, and therefore my sympathy with trans people who don't yet pass is extremely strong. It's an awful feeling. You want so desperately to be ignored, to be able to walk through a crowd without being looked at, but sometimes it's just impossible. And there is also a period of time during HRT that we really don't look like one or the other - any choice we make at that point could be taken as the 'wrong' choice', ultimately putting us in danger. One of the attacks that hospitalised me took place after using a public bathroom, during that awkward in-between phase. I used the 'wrong one', and a small group of people took it upon themselves to express that opinion very thoroughly.
This is one of those questions that is very hard for me to answer effectively. Where should we go, if we 'look like' a man but still have a vagina? Where should a trans woman go if she has breasts and a vagina, but hasn't been able to afford the facial feminisation surgery (which is not funded by the NHS) in order to 'look like' a woman? Perhaps there needs to be some kind of social readjustment in one way or another, but I'm afraid I don't have the answers to what that might be. People certainly have the right to feel safe, but that works both ways - transgender people rarely have the luxury of feeling secure and safe, as though we are welcome in a space, but the thought that our very presence makes others feel uncomfortable is a hurtful one.
I'm sorry this is such a limp sort of answer! It's a question I've thought about over and over myself, but I can't quite seem to work my way towards an effective solution.

fatbrows
How do you want people to react when you tell them your trans? Are you okay with them being taken aback at first?
In an ideal world, people would react with an 'oh, ok', and very little else. Realistically, of course, this isn't generally the case! I'd be a fool to not expect people to occasionally react with confusion or surprise - often I'm the first transgender person they've knowingly met, and therefore of course I'd expect a period of adjustment to the idea. It doesn't hurt me when people are taken aback these days, but it did when I was younger and less secure in how I looked. The best thing people can do when a transgender person comes out to them is react kindly and supportively - surprise is natural and to be expected, but compassion is so important. No matter how many times a transgender person has 'The Conversation', it is always nervewracking, and for all we know we could be risking our safety. It's a deep placement of trust.

[AdultHumanFemale]

OP, thank you for responding to my questions, and merry Christmas to you!
User852 , perhaps you have posted about this before and I just haven't seen it, but 'terrified for the future' makes me sit up and take notice, and I just wanted to respond to you. The way I read you question, you are the straight female whose male DP is considering transitioning following the conception and birth of your child? You need to be very, very honest with yourself. Forget about your DP for a moment. Has your vision of the future ever included raising a family and enjoying a intimate and sexually fulfilling relationship with a woman? Are or have you been sexually attracted to women? If you are as straight as you suggested in your post, I predict heartache. Your sexually is yours to cherish, honour and celebrate, perfect as it is, unmoderated and guilt free. If heterosexual sex with men is what you really love, please do not feel obliged to enter into any other kind of arrangement. Your sexuality is non-negotiable, unless you feel like trying something different, not because different goal posts appear. I am aware that I might be way off the mark here, but also, your reproductive function is yours. Please do not consider having a child with someone out of pity, or because they won't be able to have a child without you, or unless raising a family with another woman is a really attractive option to you anyway. Having children changes everything , neither of you can begin to imagine how things will change for both of you once a child is entered into the mix. I say this as someone who went ahead and had children with a partner with a minor MH issue, which then really worsened, and it has taken many years, tears, therapy and trauma on all parts to get to a point where we're now OK. I am not saying that this is a definite outcome, only that to knowingly bring a child into a dynamic where the variables are shaky and uncertain is irresponsible go on MN, flame me. You want optimum conditions for the start of a child's life and the beginning of the parenting journey. Once a child is born, it should be the primary concern of both its parents if possible, and a person who believes that this is the time to embark on a personal journey of tremendous significance, such as transitioning, needs to seriously reevaluate their priorities; neither the journey of parenthood or that of transitioning will be done justice. Although it is natural to be apprehensive as one contemplates parenthood, 'terrified' signals that there are really big issues which need sorting out before you go ahead. Why doesn't your DP bank his sperm, go ahead with transitioning and let you see if you want to continue in the relationship? If not, he can always pursue his dream of fatherhood with another partner with all variables clearly in place from the outset?
I wish you courage

[AnneTwackie]

Reading with interest and sharing your comments with my teens (ball button aside). It’s refreshing to hear a real voice as this certainly hasn’t happened in their school- a lot of revising the names of the 12 genders for pshe .
No question I just wanted to say thank you and wish you well for the future.

[ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn]

Thank you for your response, and fwiw I agree with you.

[iamthespark]

FoldyRoll
Thank you for this thread Fabian. Your honesty and willingness to discuss is refreshing. I'm sorry to hear of the abuse and violence you have suffered.
Many of the things you have said chime with what women and transsexual women say on the Feminist board here, which gets us denounced as bigots, TERFS, transphobes and truscum. Why do you think the more vocal trans activists reserve so much vitriol for Mumsnet in particular, and have you ever been called truscum or transphobic for your views?
Thank you!
I think it tends to come down to reputation. Mumsnet does have a reputation amongst the transgender community as a transphobic website, I'm afraid. As such, some of the younger members of the community, who are wound up and confused and frustrated and angry in the way I was when I was that age, take it upon themselves to 'do battle', I suppose.
I have been called transphobic in the past, by younger transgender people. If they let me, I like to try and gently persuade them otherwise, in a one-to-one setting. I just live my life in the way that's best for me, and more often than not, after a frank and open discussion they reveal a lack of support and compassion as the main reason for their vitriol. They feel so alone, and so unheard, that they start screaming when talking would work better, and unfortunately it often gets them into debates they don't yet have the skillset to manage. People like me can take it on the chin, water off a duck's back. They are often too young, too alone or too insecure to do so.
However, I do dislike the term 'truscum' for myself. I don't personally feel the 'camp' mentality does anyone any favours - 'us vs them' and so on. I'm just one guy blundering my way around a community increasingly riled up with infighting. One of the downsides to the sort of echo-chamber online spaces that are popular at the moment, unfortunately.

[iamthespark]

AnneTwackie
Reading with interest and sharing your comments with my teens (ball button aside). It’s refreshing to hear a real voice as this certainly hasn’t happened in their school- a lot of revising the names of the 12 genders for pshe confused.
No question I just wanted to say thank you and wish you well for the future.
Thank you very much - that's lovely to hear. Best wishes to you and yours too!
Yes, in-school education on the transgender experience is. Erm. Lacking, to say the least. There seems to be a lot of conflation on educational boards in terms of gender vs. sexuality, which is only going to cause wild confusion in the long run - a lot of what I do in my advocacy work is untangling all those strings!

[ShotsFired]

Spark, given the fact that crime stats show that trans women continue to offend at the same rate as male-presenting men (especially in regard to violent/sexual offences, from Karen White to Jonathan Yaniv and everyone in between)...

..Can you understand why so many women are flat-out refusing to let single sex spaces be made available to anyone on their say so/self-id? Within your trans community/friendship group, what is your thinking on how to resolve this?

[ShotsFired]

Spark, I think it tends to come down to reputation. Mumsnet does have a reputation amongst the transgender community as a transphobic website, I'm afraid.

Well, you're here and you are engaging with a load of people who have repeatedly been called TERF scum/transphobes/received violent and death threats etc. So presumably you don't agree. Are you doing anything to challenge this stupid fake narrative?

[MrsScamander]

Hi Fabian,

This is something I've been wondering for a while but never really had anyone to ask and I worry it will be taken in offence (which I don't intend it to be!)

My question is, are there different types of dysphoria? Can one suffer from gender dysphoria but still be content with keeping the sex organs they were born with? E.g. Can a transgender woman suffer with gender dysphoria but still be happy to retain their penis?

I'm sorry if that is a crude question, for some reason I'm sure I've seen it talked about different types of dysphoria but I might have just made that up

Thanks and I hope you had a lovely Christmas

[iamthespark]

ShotsFired
Spark, given the fact that crime stats show that trans women continue to offend at the same rate as male-presenting men (especially in regard to violent/sexual offences, from Karen White to Jonathan Yaniv and everyone in between)...
..Can you understand why so many women are flat-out refusing to let single sex spaces be made available to anyone on their say so/self-id? Within your trans community/friendship group, what is your thinking on how to resolve this?
I do understand that people have concerns, and I do sympathise with those concerns, but on the other hand I have personal experience of this dilemma from both sides. I covered this briefly, but it comes down to the fact that I don't know how to resolve it, honestly. It is a topic of discussion, when my friends and I have gotten overexcited and are changing the world on a bottle of Pimms, but truly, we don't know the answer. I think breaking up the trans community into 'trans men' and 'trans women' - again, the camp mentality - does everyone a disservice, though. We're a far more cohesive, effective community together. I stand for trans women just as much as I do trans men. Society is going through something of a change-over period in terms of gender identity and its real-life applications at the moment, and so there are things that we just don't know the answer to yet - the question of single-sex spaces and our place within them is one of them, I'm afraid.
Once again, I'm sorry for such an uneffective answer! It's one of those questions I can't find a solution to just yet.

ShotsFired
Spark, I think it tends to come down to reputation. Mumsnet does have a reputation amongst the transgender community as a transphobic website, I'm afraid.
Well, you're here and you are engaging with a load of people who have repeatedly been called TERF scum/transphobes/received violent and death threats etc. So presumably you don't agree. Are you doing anything to challenge this stupid fake narrative?
I think any space in the world, be it online or real life, probably contains people who are transphobic and people who aren't. For myself personally, I give people the benefit of the doubt and tend to hope that my words speak for themselves in terms of what I think and believe.
I challenge it by being here, really. I don't tend to voluntarily put myself into positions where I know I will be upset or angered by comments - the fact I'm here confirms that I think it's a worthwhile endeavour, and that the people here will engage with me courteously. However, I am just one man! Far be it from me to tell other transgender people that their feelings about something are wrong - to tell anyone that their feelings are wrong, really. There's not a great deal I can do as an individual, other than provide my own personal voice and opinions and hope they serve well enough.

[FoldyRoll]

Thanks for your reply Fabian. Unfortunately, I think Mumsnet gets it in the neck because it's a female space. The places where the true bigots collect are mysteriously left alone.
I completely agree about the term truscum. Discovering it entrenched my GC views. It's unspeakably cruel.

[iamthespark]

MrsScamander
Hi Fabian,
This is something I've been wondering for a while but never really had anyone to ask and I worry it will be taken in offence (which I don't intend it to be!)
My question is, are there different types of dysphoria? Can one suffer from gender dysphoria but still be content with keeping the sex organs they were born with? E.g. Can a transgender woman suffer with gender dysphoria but still be happy to retain their penis?
I'm sorry if that is a crude question, for some reason I'm sure I've seen it talked about different types of dysphoria but I might have just made that up grin
Thanks and I hope you had a lovely Christmas fsmile

Thank you! I hope yours was lovely too.
And yes, absolutely! Many transgender people opt out of having surgery, for various different reasons - concerns about their health, lack of support or just personal choice are all perfectly valid. Personally, I knew I could never be happy until I had both top and bottom surgery, but a large percentage of transgender men will keep their vagina, mainly because FtM bottom surgery is such an intensive set of operations and a huge choice to make.
Essentially, some trans people are perfectly happy to keep their genitals and reproductive systems as they were at birth, with the opinion that the only people who should be concerned about it are themselves and those they sleep with. Others feel as though they can never be content in themselves until they've had surgery. It's a very broad gamut.
No trans person ever needs to have surgery if they don't want it; nor will they be pressured into undergoing anything irreversible unless they are certain they want the results. It is not a pre-requisite of being trans, to be forced through a massive procedure like that. It takes a lot of thinking time and self-reflection before undergoing any surgical procedure - transgender surgeries are just the same.

[ShotsFired]

Once again, I'm sorry for such an uneffective answer! It's one of those questions I can't find a solution to just yet.

Don't apologise. I actually think its commendable to come out and say you don't have a perfect solution ready to announce! Would it that more people were so open to discussion and debate.

But I would also add, that while that is the case (on a national (international?) basis), we cannot let the status quo of sex segregation be steam rollered into changing to mixed sex simply by a group of aggressive and very vocal TRAs demanding something of ours for themselves.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

What do you think about mixed-sex facilities for those who want to use them, whilst keeping separate single sex male/female spaces? Or do you feel that transgender people have the right to be in single sex spaces based on their gender identity, and not their biological sex?

[ShotsFired]

Spark, what's your opinion on men who are claiming to have transitioned as late teens or adult males, competing in women's sports? What impact do you feel this will have on women trying to compete or even enter sports? e.g. Hannah Mouncey, Fallon Fox, Rachel McKinnon, Laurel Hubbard

(bearing in mind the overwhelming and blatantly obvious physiological differences and benefits they have grown up with, that are not negated by any hormones, even though many are not even taking any and have simply self-id'd their way to wins and records)

[NotAnotherJaffaCake]

In response to not feeling like a woman, did you ever seriously question that maybe your or society's idea of what a woman should be/feel like was wrong, as opposed to seeing what is effectively self mutilation as a solution? How much did you explore the validity of feeling wrong before you transitioned?

[ocelot41]

I just wanted to pop on to thank the OP for such a candid, friendly and non-aggressive approach. Its educational, interesting and refreshing. As so many have said earlier, you seem really lovely.

Two questions from me: 1. Do you think it's quietly understood in the trans community that women have every reason to respond to self id by voicing their fear of male violence? I have often wondered if the goadier types who sometimes come on these boards are people who just 'shout the loudest' and aren't necessarily representative of the community as a whole. It doesn't seem that hard to 'get' to me - the stats on sexual violence are what they are, and so many women have personal experience of men who will claim anything to access vulnerable women and girls. 2. Given those concerns, what ways can I show kindness and respect which would be meaningful to transpeople - most of whom aren't trying to hurt anyone?

[GassyAss]

Thank you OP for this thread. It's been genuinely fascinating. I have no questions after reading all the posts but I do come away with more understanding of the world from a trans point of view. Thanks for your time.

[SnuggyBuggy]

Do you think your transition will get easier or more difficult with age?

[ocelot41]

Sorry, one more question: why won't more transpeople come forward to help negotiate a solution to fears about sexual violence/mixed sex spaces? And to counter the homophobia of the 'cotton ceiling' posse. We need you now.

Speaking personally, as someone who was campaigning for trans rights since the mid 1990s, as well as freedom from sexual and domestic violence, the lack of expressions of solidarity from the trans community feels like a massive betrayal. It really, really hurts.

Its like, I was there (with other LGB activists) for decades, fighting your corner, and now the time comes for a difficult negotiation which involves you respecting the need to safeguard women, and suddenly you're not only failing to stand shoulder to shoulder with me, I've miraculously become some kind of outcast - a neofascist "TERF". I cannot gloss over that with rainbow banners and glitter, I really can't.

[madvixen]

Iamthespark - firstly, thank you for your openness and honesty in answering these question. The Self ID debate has been so polarised that honest communications have been lost, your voice is appreciated.

Do you feel that the widening of the Stonewall umbrella and their viewpoint of "acceptance without exception" (even if that acceptance includes people like JW and KW) has harmed the trans community and led to the polarisation of debate?