I'm a mum of 2 at 19. AMA

[bumblebeess]

New user here! I thought I'd start this topic because there's such a misconception about young parents and a lot of stereotyping and it might be of interest to other people. so AMA!

Did your parents stay together Fenella?

My mother had me at 18 (was married) and my father was gone by the time I was 7. Of course relationships can break down at any age but it’s FAR more common for the children of teen mums to be without their father in their life by the age of 10 than for children whose parents were in their mid twenties and upwards.

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin No. Divorced with 2 children at 22.

As the OP shows it is possible to be a teen parent and to do a good job. There is no doubt that it's possible but that doesn't mean it something that I think teens should ever purposely chose to do. If you are against abortion and have a contraceptive failure then I guess there is no choice but otherwise it's 'usually' a bad choice both for the teens and the children involved. The stats speak for themselves. Outcomes for children who have teen parents are shockingly poor. The outcomes for the mothers aren't great either.
Even though the OP is managing really well wouldn't it have been better to wait a few years.

I met my husband as a teen and we had kids when I was 25. I loved having kids but I also loved having those child free years with my partner, we went to Uni, travelled, had fun and started out our careers. It built a solid base for our whole marriage.
Having a baby is a massive strain in any relationship -racing into it as a teen is immature and selfish is it's done purposely.
(Obviously doesn't apply to contraceptive failures)
People generally live for a long time these days, I don't see why you wouldn't pace yourself and wait and have kids in your 20's if you are keen to have kids young.

Why are people on here so determined to pick apart the OPs story to try and catch her out. How bizarre

kirsty no i dont know for certain but i think its more likely when you have kids young that when youre "done" you go back to work and do the career thing.

Thats what i did anyway.

You seem to have a massive issue with teen mum's doing well for themselves dont you?

OP I was sort of similar; married at 18, 2 DC by the age of 21. My DH was 8 years older though and had postgrad education and was in a good job so I was able to be a SAHM in the early years. I then had a child with SN which meant that I had to be at home, so whilst I did my degree through OU at home I was never really able to establish a decent career.
For anyone in this position I really would not underestimate how important it is to pick a degree that is likely to have good prospects at the end. I highly recommend OU too. As a young mum you don't have the luxury of time to work up the career ladder, when you have nursery fees, school trips and uniforms to pay for it is often a case of needs must and you just have to take a job that fits rather than the one that will offer the best progression.
My eldest is nearly 18 and people think I am his partner rather than mother 😂 I often get 'you must have started young' comments but I just let it wash over me.

No flaming actually I have a massive issue with teen mums not doing well for themselves. If they all did well then there would be nothing to have an issue about, would there?

This thread is filled with goady jealous middle aged career woman who've realised too late they should have had kids ages ago and are now tearing into a young woman to make themselves feel better about their own poor life choice.

@DwangelaForever

Like I said, I am the child of teen parents. Waiting until you can afford to have a home and some savings isn’t what I would call a poor life choice.

Well done on your A level success. I'm sure you will do well at university too. You sound sensible and mature and some comments here are odd.

Why kirsty does it directly affect your life? Have you been left to bring up thousands of unwanted children single handedly?

There will always be teen pregnancy. Some of them will be awful parents. Some will be fantastic. Guess what, you could say the same about women of any age.

fenella for some people that would be never. Should only the rich be allowed to be parents?

@flamingofridays You don’t have to be rich to not live with your parents and at least have the money put by for nappies for a week or two.

And I don’t think people need to be rich, but actually I do think people shouldn’t have children unless they are able to house them, clothe them and feed them.

I find it utterly bizarre that on MN if someone talks about getting a dog it’s generally expected that they should be able to feed them and pay for a dog walker, but we shouldn’t apply those standards to an actual human being.

"There will always be teen pregnancy. Some of them will be awful parents. Some will be fantastic. Guess what, you could say the same about women of any age." - well, you could, but it wouldn't be very meaningful. Statistics show that outcomes for teenage mothers are worse than for other age groups. Of course there are many teenaged mothers who do well for themselves, but that doesn't change the overall picture.

Thats not "savings" is it?

Sorry but even teens get child benefit so id be concerned if they couldnt afford nappies.

Actually a lot of people struggle to move out on their own now esp in london etc. Even when you work and dont have kids. Then you get trapped renting which you prob look down on also.

You said that both of your children were unplanned. Will you be having more children?

Im not sure you can compare deciding to keep or terminate an unplanned baby with buying, not buying a dog.

Its not as simple as "i cannot afford this baby i must terminate it"

Yes people who dont want or arent in a position to pay for a child should use contraception and be careful but even thats not 100% is it.

@ChelseaBabbage I wouldn't count our 2nd as necessarily unplanned. We felt ready for another.

I wouldn't say a complete no for having more children as you can never be sure what life will bring, but as it stands, I think I'd be more than happy with my two now. My family feels complete and I could better myself for my children in more ways when I only have 2 rather than if I had more.

I agree with Friday, I'm 28 with two kids one being 2 and one only 3 months old and although we do have a mortgage we don't have savings, we are only now as of this Feb in a position to start saving as hubby got a new job.

If I'd waited til a few years down the line with some established savings I doubt I would have both my kids, potentially not even one of them. Fertility is a young ladies game and I know that first hand so I'm sick of these women in their 40s saying they're having their first at their age and not to rush!

@flamingofridays I never said people who can’t afford a baby must terminate. I said ideally people wouldn’t choose to start a family until they are a bit more secure.

fenella and what % of teenage pregnancies are actively planned?

OP, what would you think about one or both of your DC following in your footsteps to have their first child at 16?

I'm 28 and had my first this year. I wish I'd had him years ago. Early 20's definetly. Partly as I feel the sleep deprivation would have been easier back then but mostly it's only now I can see how incomplete my life was without my gorgeous boy and feel like I've wasted years waiting.

I think you're an inspiration to young mothers. Well done you.

@Florries the last bit of your reply is exactly how I feel, and people don't get it. I appreciate that everyone is different but I find it shocking when people tell me I've missed out on travels, uni, partying etc like that compares to how complete and wonderful life feels when you fully appreciate your own little human and the love you have for them.

As for following in my footsteps - I'd naturally encourage them not to. But if it did happen, and they were like me and happy and motivated and determined to do well and I saw how whole being a parent made them, I'd be unbelievably happy and Proud.

Some fucking nasty people on here. Well done op for being more gracious than I think I would have been. I was a teenage mother and then again in my 30's. There are benefits and negatives to both. Financially I was much better off in my 30's, but energywise I most definitely wasn't. My body was not made for bearing children after probably my 20's and I struggled for 6 years to get pregnant again. That said i know people in their 30's having children who are not much financially better off than I was as a teen (I.e. in minimum wage jobs). They have just as much right to have children (and receive tax credits etc) as I did as a teen. Or are poor people on mw jobs not allowed to have children without being subject to questions on how they will support a child?