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AMA

I'm a mum of 2 at 19. AMA

129 replies

bumblebeess · 26/12/2018 10:03

New user here! I thought I'd start this topic because there's such a misconception about young parents and a lot of stereotyping and it might be of interest to other people. so AMA!

OP posts:
bumblebeess · 26/12/2018 19:09

@Thisimmortalcurl thank you. By the sounds of things you've done amazing too, and your children!

OP posts:
Thisimmortalcurl · 26/12/2018 19:18

Thanks bumble , I’ve not done bad , ups and downs like everyone else.
It’s weird though being a young Mum never really leaves you as I can see even these days people mentally working out in their heads how old I was when I had them .
It’s waters off a ducks back to me though.. it always has been.
Folk can really struggle young or old or it be something that they love.
What I did miss most was when lots of friends went off travelling but I’m making up for it a bit these days holiday wise.

bumblebeess · 26/12/2018 19:19

@Thisimmortalcurl I wish it was water off a ducks back to me all the time too, but a lot of time I fall short and get quite anxious about people's opinions!!!

It's lovely to hear other young mums stories though!

OP posts:
mimibunz · 26/12/2018 19:27

I was a virgin at 19. I didn’t plan it but it just worked out that way and I’m so happy. Just hoping to bust some stereotypes of late bloomers.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 27/12/2018 22:12

I thought I'd start this topic because there's such a misconception about young parents and a lot of stereotyping and it might be of interest to other people

What misconceptions do you think there are? And what sort of stereotyping?

DP works full time as did I, I am now on maternity leave.. But you can't have worked for long, surely, if you are only 19 now and already on maternity leave after your second, plus you did A levels so would have been at school until you were 18.

How long did you actually work for, between finishing school and going in ML with your second child?

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 27/12/2018 22:16

Sorry just re-read your posts and see that you worked full time and did your A levels from home.

How did you do that? Did you do all your lessons online with no actual face to face teaching? And just in the evenings and weekends?

bumblebeess · 27/12/2018 22:17

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin I homestudied my A Levels so wasn't at school, was home with my baby. Started full time work in September 2017 and finished for maternity leave 6 weeks ago.

I think the most common misconceptions of teenage parents is that they're irresponsible, unmotivated, unable to provide, reliant on other people. Remaining teenagers in the sense of still going out, partying, prioritising themselves etc, leaving babies with grandparents, friends, anyone that can have them. Claiming benefits, no ambition, smoking, drinking. All this kind of stuff if that makes sense.

OP posts:
bumblebeess · 27/12/2018 22:19

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin yes, all lessons online and a lot of textbooks, revision guides and other resources etc. I'd aim to do about 3 hours most nights and fit some studying in in naptimes.

OP posts:
huggybear · 27/12/2018 22:22

How old is your boyfriend?

bumblebeess · 27/12/2018 22:23

@huggybear 21!

OP posts:
KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 27/12/2018 22:25

I think the most common misconceptions of teenage parents is that they're irresponsible, unmotivated, unable to provide, reliant on other people.

Well they almost always are unable to provide - unless they are lucky enough to be independently wealthy due to a large inheritance or something. And if they are unable to provide then they are, by default, reliant on other people, are they not? Whether it's the generosity of their parents or the financial assistance of the welfare state.

bumblebeess · 27/12/2018 22:28

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin well I'd be personally say that we've provided and aren't reliant on anyone else. It hasn't been without difficulty but we don't rely on welfare, parents etc.

OP posts:
huggybear · 27/12/2018 22:32

What does he do? I'm just being nosy now. I'm much older than you and think we would struggle to support two kids but I guess you cut your cloth?

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 27/12/2018 22:35

So do you pay your rent and bills all out of earnings alone then? If you've managed that then well done, but the simple fact is that most women who have become mothers in their teens absolutely could not be financially self sufficient.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 27/12/2018 22:36

While they are still in their teens I mean, obviously many women will eventually become financially self sufficient a few years further down the line. But equally, many do not.

bumblebeess · 27/12/2018 22:41

@huggybear he works in telecommunications as he qualified within a company when I was pregnant.

We pay rent/bills out of our own money apart from getting statutory child benefit. It's not easy some months and we don't get many luxuries but it works for us, especially when our DS' nursery charges went down after he turned 2.

OP posts:
LadyRochfordsFrostedGusset · 27/12/2018 22:50

Respect for going back and doing your A-levels OP. Hope you can find a way to do your degree.

Do you think younger mothers get a hard time because so many others leave it to the last minute now and therefore struggle to conceive?

GoodTidingsWeBring · 27/12/2018 23:19

I got a uni offer at 21, then almost immediately fell pregnant (contraceptive failure) whilst in an abusive relationship. Deferred for a year. Left the bastard. Started uni when DD was 5 months old; graduated this summer with a high 2.1, whilst working and looking after my lovely DD single handedly. This obviously depends on your degree; I guess nursing and that kind of thing may be more tricky.

Sorry, no question. But just wanted to tell you that you can do it OP! I think seeing their parents working and completing further education is a real inspiration for children. My boss just agreed to sponsor my masters next year 💃🏽 Grin

ShesABelter · 27/12/2018 23:45

I fell pregnant with my first at 18 whilst in first year of uni, had her just after I turned 19. My boyfriend who id been with since 15 worked full time as a chef. He then went and worked with his dad's company. We are now 33/34 almost and married. He runs his own very successful business. I am an office manager and we have three children, a four bed house, our own cars.

I never ever struggled as a mother. I found it very easy on sleepless nights. I breastfed. And took to it all very easily.

We don't get any benefits. But even if we had, LOTS of people do at some point for a short time regardless of age they became a parent.

The two women in our family who had babies in their late 30s have really struggled to adapt. Struggled with the sleepless nights, are helicopter parents as they are so anxious, can't handle the disruption and mess. I'm not saying everyone is like that but from our experience and what we have seen, I'm happy to of been a young mum.

Also, now my eldest is 14 she's very open with me as are alot of her friends. I'm also not naive and so they don't bullshit me like alot of them do with their older mum's.

I genuinely wouldnt change a thing.

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/12/2018 23:51

It's great that there are women here who have supported themselves and their children through education whilst being a teenage or younger mother. But it isn't the norm. There is a reason why the rate of teenage pregnancies is recorded and why the aim is to lower it.

bumblebeess · 28/12/2018 06:23

Love seeing other stories of other young mums going on to get degrees! Thank you for your positive replies Thanks

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KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 28/12/2018 08:17

It's great that there are women here who have supported themselves and their children through education whilst being a teenage or younger mother. But it isn't the norm. There is a reason why the rate of teenage pregnancies is recorded and why the aim is to lower it.

Exactly.

While I do have admiration for people like the OP and ShesABelter for making sure that their children (and they themselves) are not socially, educationally or economically disadvantaged by the fact that they became parents very young, it absolutely isn't the norm and governments all across the developed world have recognised this for a very long time.

The fact is, it's usually a route to parental relationship breakdown, single parenthood and a childhood of disadvantage. I realise it's a complex subject and we need to separate causal factors from correlations here, and the level of financial and practical support a young woman receives from her own parents and the baby's father can make the difference between sinking or swimming.

But a few people popping up to explain why the stereotypes are wrong and the common problems are nothing more than 'misconceptions' doesn't change the outcomes for the majority of children born to mothers still in their teens.

Just because you don't fit the stereotype, doesn't mean it isn't there. As I said before, I can't help feeling that the motivation for threads like this is to show the world that you don't fit the stereotype. Well, great. Bully for you. Let's hope you can still say the same in 10 years time.

It makes me feel a little uncomfortable to hear very young mums bigging themselves up about how brilliantly they've done and hearing other people congratulating them. It gives other less capable, far more vulnerable young women the idea that it's a route out of their shit life, and something to be aspired to.

They think having a baby waves a magic wand over all of their problems; gets them a nice home of their own, a regular income from the state until they are on their feet and can forge forward with their original plan going to uni once their baby is at nursery (they all say that, and indeed are encouraged and supported to do it, even if they can't pass a GCSE above a grade C, never mind a degree, because they see that it gets them a pat on the head and words of encouragement. They think it somehow offers evidence that they are not the 'stereotype' who will be a drain on the state, even though for the next few years at least, they will in fact, be a drain on the state. Also their boyfriend will suddenly morf into husband/father/man of the year (instead of the weed smoking, feckless boy he is now) and everything will be wonderful.

The truth is rarely like that, which is why the government ploughs so much effort into trying to avert poor outcomes for these children, via things like SureStart and Pupil Premium.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 28/12/2018 08:35

‘I’ve had friends who are younger mums too, in an attempt to make some [friends] and felt there was a maturity difference and we had different ways of parenting etc so cut ties.’

Well there you are then. I think you’ve just proved the point that while you may not be the stereotype, other girls are.

Sarahandduck18 · 28/12/2018 08:45

How old was your dm when she had you?

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 28/12/2018 08:49

I was just about to ask the same thing Sarah

The OP says she has support from her mother. No mention of a father.

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