I'm a mum of 2 at 19. AMA

[bumblebeess]

New user here! I thought I'd start this topic because there's such a misconception about young parents and a lot of stereotyping and it might be of interest to other people. so AMA!

Also, did you home study for your A levels because of your pregnancy alone, or were you already outside of the mainstream school system? If so, why?

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin as I've stated previously I never in any way encourage other young girls to be teen mums, if anything my advice wards them against it. I'm not saying it's been easy and it's magically fixed my life, but it did give me a lot more motivation and meaning and it was - and will continue to be - a hell of a lot of hard work to provide a better life for my children, harder work than older mothers sometimes. Just because there's young mothers who 'big themselves up' and congratulate themselves and feel proud doesn't exactly correlate to giving young women a route out of their shit life IMO?
And yes, I completely agree, there is other young mums who do fit the stereotype but the point is that a lot of people will assume without any thinking that the stereotype applies to everyone. There's always someone who fits the stereotype of something but does that mean it should be there to judge everyone on?

@Sarahandduck18 my own mum was 20 when she had me.

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin I was on route to doing my A Levels through school, found out I was pregnant a couple of months before the school year started again, and looking into options for homestudying.

And how long was your dad in the picture for? Do you have regular contact with him now? Did your parents live together for any length of time, or marry?

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin they were together for 3 years before me, 7 years after. I had contact with him until I was 10 and then cut contact with him.

So with the home study, how did that work? Was it all online? Did you have some sort of formal support via your LEA? Any face to face teaching either at home or in some sort of classroom setup outside of mainstream school? Who paid for it?

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin all online, no face to face teaching, through the UK Open College. I am in the Channel Islands to access to face to face teaching through colleges like that isn't particularly accessible. I paid for it in monthly instalments.

Ok so already, I’m sorry to say that your parents have conformed to a stereotype of young parents, by breaking up while you were very young. And you conformed to a stereotype by becoming a very young mother yourself, mimicking the patterns of your own parents.

You paid for it? Out of your own money? At sixteen?

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin yes, I worked full time from when I left school throughout my pregnancy and with the monthly instalment scheme, it was manageable.

Wow this thread is judgy!

"Ooh well you cant have worked for long"

Nope but in the grand scheme of things op will likely work longer than a 30 something sahm who never goes back to work after kids.

@flamingofridays I expected those kinds of comments really, it's what I've heard day-to-day for years so an AMA was in attempt to clear up them kind of misconceptions (that every young mum fits into them categories) rather than they may.

Why did you not just go back to school?

If everything you say is true then you really are one in a several hundred thousand anomaly of some sort, so while that’s great for you, and the state, and your children, it’s hardly representative of most young women in your position. Even down to the fact that you don’t get any housing benefit - you must both be on great money for a couple so young, and particularly for you, with so little actual work experience behind you yet.

Unless there is something specific to being in the CI that I am not understanding here, your situation sounds almost unbelievable.

flamingo of course she can’t have worked for long! She’s 19 years old. Even witjout taking time out for two babies, she can’t have worked for long. Why is that judgemental? It’s just a fact.

Kirsty, why are you going in on the OP? Has it touched a nerve?

For context I wasn't a teenaged mother and I think she's doing brilliantly.

Your parents have conformed to a stereotype of young parents, by breaking up while you were very young. Absolute bollocks, people of various ages break up all the time, with or without young children.

@KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin I didn't go back to school because I'd be due a baby mid way through the first year and without 2 full time wages while I was studying, we couldn't have afforded childcare so it was easier to make alternate arrangements.
Our wages aren't brilliant, we have had to manage our money very carefully but it's been doable. I'm not sure why that's unbelievable

'Unless there is something specific to being in the CI that I am not understanding here, your situation sounds almost unbelievable.'

To find full time work in the CI is certainly a rarity in itself.

@LadyRochfordsFrostedGusset I was just about to say the same. I don't think breaking up is a specific stereotype to younger parents? I know many parents of many ages who've broken up and wouldn't have ever put age down as a factor.

Why must the OP be representative of ALL young mums? I'm an older mum myself, and while I fit into some of the stereotypes surrounding that I certainly don't fit everything.

I think a lot of emphasis is being put on OP's finances unnecessarily. A lot of people regardless of age struggle to afford childcare etc., not just younger parents. Also a lot of people of all ages break up despite having young children. As evidenced by MN on a daily basis.

@MarthasGinYard by CI I was trying to generalise as I'm from the IOM, I know it's not technically part of the Channel Islands (Jersey and Guernsey) but I didn't want to be too outing given the smallness of the island!

'New user here! '

Oh

And congratulations!! for a new user to find AMA and be so well versed with MN your doing amazingly.

I don’t think there’s a peron anywhere who thinks that everyone fits into the categories that form a stereotype, just that a majority do.

Hence how stereotypes are formed.

And flamingo you have no idea what the OP will do, in the grand scheme of things. You are assuming she will continue to work full time for decades and not be one of those women who gives up at 30 for good, herself. You can’t possibly know, and neither can she at this stage.

You say you haven’t relied on parental support but earlier you said you both lived at home at first? Who paid for your maternity clothes, your cot, your pushchair...?

It’s lovely that it’s all worked out for you, but I don’t think that it necessarily IS a misconception for people to think on the whole having children as a young teen is often a bad idea. I don’t think anyone can argue that it’s better to have your qualifications, some savings and somewhere to live before starting a family.

I’m the child of teen parents by the way, and I do slightly look in horror at young teens with children, because I know the regrets that my mother has now - all the things she never experienced when she was younger, and the stress of providing for 2 children in her teens and early 20s.

@FenellaMaxwellsPony yes, we did rely on my mums support at first, we worked full time while paying for my education, saving for a rental deposit, buying all the baby stuff etc while living with her, until DC1 was 5 weeks old.

I'm not arguing that it's better to do it that way. I'd sure be encouraging my children to do it that way. But I don't think that takes away from the fact that when there is teen parents who try their best and provide and work towards their goals despite their circumstances for their children, they're still tarred with a certain brush, still sometimes looked down on, and still made to feel that the situation they have the most pride in in life is a negative or unfortunate thing. Or that's how I feel, I can't speak for everyone, as others have said!