I had a baby two days after my 15th birthday AMA

[VauxhallVectra]

Happy to answer non-judgmental questions

I was going to say that the birth must have been awful. My DD is 15 and I had her at 32 and I remember thinking that the pain of childbirth was so indescribable that I couldn't imagine any other sort of pain that wouldn't mean your life was in danger. I hope that makes sense. The pain of childbirth was so horrendous and the experience does take stamina and endurance and bravery. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to go through that at 15. AFter a baby is born, people can help. But the delivery you're on your own.

“Speakout” you have misquoted.

That reference is to the OPs delivery of the baby not to her having sex. She says she chose to have sex and knew what she was doing. Don’t misquote the OP.

IdblowJonSnow of course she was raped.

A child cannot give consent to sex.

Ok I stand corrected, but the OP was still raped at 13.

Contrary to a previous poster I don't read this as a sad story.
I think the OP sounds like a strong woman who has taken notes from her childhood, upbringing and teenage pregnancy and really made a good go at her life by continuing to study and bringing up her daughter so well. You sound brilliant OP. I read this as a success story, not a sad one.

I remember wanting to have sex so badly at 13. I remember grabbing a guys hand and putting it down my jeans at that age! That's not to say it's not a controversial subject but I wouldn't say it was rape. Teens will always have sex, it's natural, teaching them to be safe is the important thing!

What do you think could have been done to stop the kids on your estate taking drugs etc?

Would more youth clubs and things to do have helped?

Where did you and your friends get the money from for the weed/ booze?

Did you not have a curfew from your mother?

That's awful you didn't get the support you needed during the birth. Every woman deserves good care no matter what her age.

Do you think you would have had more children if you had had the first later?

She wasnt raped in any emotional or moral sense. Only in a legal sense. Please do not insist somebody is a victim when they do not feel like one. It doesnt help anything. The boy was a peer of similar age and the OP says she enthusiasticaly consented, post puberty, with a member of her peer group.

OP, did the boy keep in touch or have anything to do with your child?
Would you say that a lot of these estates have this culture?
I was also brought up on a deprived estate and many kids in my school were sexually active from very very young . I look on it differently now as an adult of course than I did then when it was all normal - desirable - to have sex young. It was an insult to be called a virgin and implied that it meant you were ugly. It was very "cool" to be sexually active. There were two kids that had babies around 14/15 in my year, and my mum had to take my best friend for the MAP at 12/13 (she never forgave me for telling on her though)

Nothing can convince me that a child having sex is anything other than rape.

A 13 year old can make "choices", but one "choosing" to have sex is making these choices from a week position.
Perhaps a result of poor parenting, poor self esteem, peer pressure, finding themselves in a position where they make that choice is very concerning to me.

A child having sex is rape.

Whilst I’d generally agree with you the grey area here is that the boy was also a child. The police do not prosecute in cases of peers close in age having sex with an absence of coercion.

We are animals. There is not a single other mammal out there who with any sort of autonomy would restrain themselves from having sex once they were sexually mature. Its not physically ideal, but if you cant tell the difference between child sex abuse/rape and teenagers experimenting enthusiastically with their peers, then thats a bit bizarre. It is to be discouraged because of consequences like pregnancy and because it is so open to abuse - not because every case is actual abuse.

There is not a single other mammal out there who with any sort of autonomy would restrain themselves from having sex once they were sexually mature.

That is not true. In some animal societies only breeding females will reproduce, it's not an every one for themselves type situation.
Animals are dictated by complex social rules which give benefit to the wider society.

Humans are the same.

If we cannot protect our children from rape we have failed them.

Children need protection from sexual activity.

Nothing can convince me that it is right for children to be having sex.

Morning op I had dd1 when I was 16 and one month and I pretty much got the same reaction at hospital - it didn’t help that my face looked about ten!

Your family life sounds similar , my SM asked me to leave because dd1 was waking DF up

I’m cracking on 40 now and dd1 is 23 this year

I was riding a bike when I was pregnant with dd1, I had dd3 20 months ago and the difference is staggering! I really do believe physically women are supposed to have babies in their teens!

Glad life turned out ol for you

@Branleuse if you read the thread you'll see that the op is still with the father of her child, 17 years later

I don’t see this as a sad story at all @Speakout. From a difficult and unsafe start Vauxhall has forged a great life, career, relationship, dd, better neighbourhood because of her own experience, boundaried by her relationship with her Mum...

@VauxhallVectra you write so well, and have great insight! Did your ‘Marks and Spencer’s wankers’ friend talk to you about further study?
You should be lecturing, at 32 you’ve got time for access, degree, PhD... Can someone more knowledgeable than me recommend some further reading?
Thank you!

I am a child of a teenage parent. My mother and I aren't close. She was very tough on me, competitive with me, often immature in the way she dealt with me, wanted me to feel I should be grateful as it was so hard for her and she had missed out on things in life.

Do you have a good relationship with your child? Have you ever felt resentment about missing out on things?

Ooh that last sentence of first paragraph is saying the opposite of why I meant. Having a ‘boundaried by her’ ie Vauxhall is having the contact she wants with her difficult Mum is better than 99% of us do.

I just kind of lay there and let it happen to me.

You were raped OP and you were a child.

I am sorry this happened to you.

FFS There is always one

CONTEXT.

What a wonderful thread! OP I don’t want to sound patronising to a young mum but you sound like you coped brilliantly and turned a bit of a shitty situation into a good life for yourself and your daughter.

My question to you is, how do you think your life would have been different if the father hadn’t stood by you?

which other mammals have complex rules that dictate that they wait several years after sexual maturity to mate?

• A 13 year old can make "choices", but one "choosing" to have sex is making these choices from a week position. Perhaps a result of poor parenting, poor self esteem, peer pressure, finding themselves in a position where they make that choice is very concerning to me.*

I don't remember feeling any of these things, just sexual desire. I know it makes feel uncomfortable but when are people going to realise that teenage girls have the same urges that women in their twenties do. It's not just a switch that gets turned on when you're twenty!

not promoting it. I just think most of human society is about us controlling our natural urges, and no other animal has a concept of any of the moral judgements we put on any of our urges.

I don't remember feeling any of these things, just sexual desire. I know it makes feel uncomfortable but when are people going to realise that teenage girls have the same urges that women in their twenties do. It's not just a switch that gets turned on when you're twenty!

I agree, but it;s not just about the physical act.
Children also need protection from all the other stuff that surrounds sex, the intimacy, the emotional aspect, dealing with others' attitudes, any fall out post sexual relationship.

No 13 year old has the maturity to deal with this,

If they are lucky they survive unscathed, but the potential for hurt and damage is huge.

Sex is for adults.