I had a baby two days after my 15th birthday AMA

[VauxhallVectra]

Happy to answer non-judgmental questions

Not at all, @Theshittyendofthestick It's good to have these kind of discussions

It's also, of course, much more complicated now that I have a DD of my own. I think back to what I did, the sorts of people I hung around with etc. and it makes my blood run cold to think of DD being part of that.
She's been brought up in a very different place and culture than me and DP were. Gangs, underage sex, drugs etc. aren't endemic in her life. But then I feel conflicted with saying, basically, it was okay because we lived on a sink estate and it was the early 2000s. Does that mean kids back then, and who still live in that place, aren't/weren't entitled to the same protection and dignity as my DD is now?!

Thanks for your kind words- me and DD have muddled through!

Really interesting to hear your thoughts Vauxhall and fwiw, I've done young(ish) parenting and older parenting and it's pretty much all muddling through as far as I can see

I think the age of consent is probably about right but does assume that children are being brought up in stable, supportive environments where sex/love/relationships are being discussed openly and honestly at home and at school. If all that takes place, I think 16 is about right. However, when that doesn't happen (as it didn't with me, DP and our friends) it's likely people will be having sex much earlier. So I don't think the issue is around the age of consent so much as cultures around sex/relationships, sex/relationship education, home environment and, more broadly, social and economic deprivation and exclusion.

When DD was in primary school, I was friends with other parents because lots of the other parents were very young too so it was fine. When DD was 7, we moved house to a nicer area and DD moved school. Then I was the youngest parent by a mile and I really struggled to fit in and make friends. There were some mums who were really nice but I always felt it was out of sympathy rather than a genuine desire to be friends. It wasn't just my age though- we moved to a "naice" area from a sink estate, we're black and most of the other parents were white so it was difficult to fit in because of those issues as well. I started letting DD walk half way home when she was about 9 so that I could avoid the school gates every day

I did feel like I had to prove myself as a parent, yes, and I did feel quite judged. Whenever DD was a little shit I was always worried that parents would take it as confirmation that I was everything they'd imagined (i.e. useless!). I pushed DD really hard at school and I did this not only for her sake but also to protect me against judgment. It was only really when DD went to secondary school that I got out of that mindset because you're not as involved with the school then so don't meet many other parents. Apart from the one time I went to DD's secondary school for something and as I was waiting in reception in black trousers and a black coat (looked like the school uniform), a teacher sternly asked me what I was doing loitering the reception area rather than being in assembly... that made me feel pretty young

I did make one wonderful friend at the school gates though when I'd recently moved to the nicer area. She was the grandmother of one of the other children. She was a retired lecturer, very posh and arty. She really made an effort to chat with me and I always remember her advice "take no notice of these fucking Marks and Spencer arseholes" [grinn]

Really interesting to hear your thoughts Vauxhall and fwiw, I've done young(ish) parenting and older parenting and it's pretty much all muddling through as far as I can see
I've been really surprised when my colleagues and friends (in their 30s) are having babies and seem to be as clueless as I was at 15. I guess I'd always assumed that if you had children older, you'd magically know what you're doing.

I haven’t got a question but I wanted to say I had my children in my late 30s and early 40s and I’m fucking exhausted, really exhausted. A big part of me wants to say to my DD to get it all done and dusted by 25 then by the time you’re 40, you’ll have your life back.

What would you do if DD found out she was pregnant? Would you be angry? Would you let her live with you or push her to be independent?

It is quite tiring having them as a teenager, you know

@theshittyendofthestick whilst I agree with you about consent and responsibility, the op’s life at that age sounds just like my life in mid teens. The law wasn’t something we worried about, we thought the age of consent being 16 was far too old! Lots of casual law breaking, drink, drugs etc. I had a 16yo boyfriend at 14 as did many friends.

Fascinating thread op, thanks for posting.

It is tiring having them as a teenager because babies are tiring anyway. But I just generally have so much less energy now than I used to. When the lifts were broken in the flats, I used to carry the buggy, DD and shopping up nine flights of stairs. Nowadays if I go upstairs empty handed, halfway up the stairs I'm looking forward to a wee for the sit down.

If DD became pregnant I'd be gutted for her. I wouldn't be angry (I don't think), just really disappointed that she'd have to pause her life for a couple of years and that she'd have to put someone else ahead of herself for a while. I really love seeing DD being incredibly care-free in a way I've never been able to be. I'd hate that to be curtailed.

I would let her live with us but I'd encourage her to be independent too (i.e. don't just see it as a three-way parenting thing with me and DP- she'd be the parent and if she wanted our help (like with babysitting) she'd have to ask). I'd ideally get her to put her name down for a property but you never know what you'll end up with from the council so this could backfire. I'd encourage her to make sure the father steps up and is very present so although I'd like her to be independent, she'd still have the support of the dad.

Putting yourself in your mother’s shoes for a moment but remaining who you are, what could your mother or father have done to protect you more?
Could they have prevented this by being more careful with you?
Could they have stopped what happened by being more present/supportive/closer to the teen you?

I too, was left to whatever awaited me at 13 and now I am incredulous that a) I am still alive given the danger I was regularly in without realising it and b) how the hell did my parents sleep at night...

What could we all do differently to discourage sex and drug use at 13/14 years?

Do you feel sad for yourself for the years you missed out just being young and free? I have a lot of professional experience of teenage parents and mostly I really admired their courage and determination to be good parents but I did feel regret for them that they were missing those carefree years of life ( education etc pressures notwithstanding).

My dad wasn't really on the scene. He'd show up every now and then with gifts and promises but he wasn't involved in the day-to-day during my childhood.

I think my mum could've been a bit less naive about what was going on around her. Every day she'd walk through the estate and come back complaining about the gangs or whatever. She'd recognise a lot of the troublemakers as people I went to school with yet was still adamant that I was not remotely involved and that I actually knew absolutely nothing about things that were going on.
She was also very keen to present her best "face" to the world and so never gave us the space to discuss things because her reaction would always be what will Mrs P from church say about this?

@ShakingInTheHighCourt
Yes and no.

I see the care-free life my DD is living now and I feel sad that I never got to experience that.
But, then, on the other hand, though DD is living a care-free life now, if she chooses to have children in her late 20s or early 30s, she'll be quite constrained then whereas I feel like I have quite a care-free life now in my early 30s compared to other people who are just having children now.

At the time though I didn't really think like that because my friends were all still at school and then almost all of them had children soon after leaving school so I didn't really see them as being particularly care-free.
At the time pregnancy and having a baby was, in some ways, quite liberating for me because it gave me an excuse to not hang around with troublemakers, going out until late at night etc.

I wasn’t suggesting it wasn’t exhausting have her when you were young. I just meant that having a toddler in my late 40s and peri menopausal is no picnic.

I guess it’s swings and roundabouts; we were financially secure but if DD doesn’t have children until the age I had her then I’ll be late 80s if I’m still around so probably too old for support.

I think extremes at both ends of the spectrum are perhaps not the ideal.

Dh and I met at uni so could have done it early 20s. Instead spent 20s&30s saving every penny to ensure that we’d be financially secure first. No partying or amazing holidays etc. Having grown up in poverty I refused to have a baby until there was enough money in the bank. I kind of feel now that we’ve missed out both ends as we didn’t enjoy ourselves then and obv can’t now with young children.

The op’s situation may not have been ideal but she sounds as though she’s done a great job and is now young enough to enjoy adult life with her DP. I’ve come to the conclusion that doing it young (early 20s) when you can have family support (my parents and ILs are dead) is probably best.

Did you continue to go to school throughout your pregnancy and if so what was that like? DId you tell people at school or did they just guess, and what were people's reactions? Was it fairly common to be pregnant in year 10/11 or did you feel like the only one?

What a sad story OP.

I wish you well.

I was terrified but I also lacked to confidence or know-how to express what I was concerned about and what I wanted. I just kind of lay there and let it happen to me.
Do you think this was your experience of sex as well op?
I feel sad for you, to be honest. Not because you've let yourself down in life, you've done amazing. But 13 is a child, it really is. I'm sorry you had that start and applaud you for what you have achieved x

I like your thread op. Whilst not ideal to have a baby so young, you sound lovely and very intelligent.
Sounds like you have made the situation work well and can now appreciate the positives.

I grew up in, not on an estate, but in a rural village where it was fairly standard for 14 and 15 year olds to drink a lot and have sex. It was our normal. I don't exactly regret it, I enjoyed most of it, but wouldn't want the same for my kids now. I think we live in a different world now. But I think too many people are hung up on the being 16 or older. If my daughters know their own minds and are safe then I wouldn't have a huge problem w them having sex at the age of 15 and a half, for example, as opposed to waiting til they're older for the sake of it.
I also had kids quite old and am really bloody tired and grumpy!
Sorry you didn't get more support at the time, must have been hard. And the midwives sound horrible!

Its not for anyone else here to say that op was raped or otherwise. What an unhelpful thing to say. Ffs.

OP it sounds like you have done an amazing job and made the most of non-ideal circumstances.

"marks and spencer arseholes"

@speakout The OP was referring to labour rather than sex!

OP, I had my daughter at 21. Not comparable but I am now 41 and able to enjoy my life with my DP knowing I have 'done' my parenting. We did discuss having another (DP is not daughter's dad and is younger than me) but I am too selfish to start over again.

@speakout the OP was referring to giving birth, not having sex! That's what she meant by " I just kind of lay there and let it happen to me.", she meant giving birth.