I am child-free by choice AMA

[MikeCheck12]

Ask away...

Hi, don't want to hijack your thread but as another childfree woman I am finding this interesting.

Funnily enough I always said I wanted children. Up to the age of about 18 I said I wanted at least 4 but preferably 6! I do really like babies and young children - not keen after about 8 years old. I always want to hold young babies for a cuddle.

I met DH and he said he wasn't sure he wanted children because of his upbringing. He was worried he would be as awful a parent as his were. We discussed it at long length and for a number of reasons we decided against having any.

He actually would have made a very good dad. We have looked after our nieces and nephews and had them stay with us for long weekends (even took a couple of them on holiday) and he has always been great with them. We have though always been quite happy giving them back!

We have never regretted our choice and we are both in our 60's now. A couple of times I have fleetingly thought "what if" but it really was fleetingly. When we look at the state of the world, all the crime, the overpopulation etc we often say to each other "so glad we didn't have children".

I have had some really nasty things said to me (DH never has!). I have been told I am not normal, not a real woman, asked why I bothered getting married if I didn't want children, told more times than I could count that I was selfish and that I would regret it and also told quite a few times that I will end up alone and lonely!

Even now I get asked quite often if I have grandchildren and when I say no get asked how many children I have. That starts the whole thing over again and I have had people say "Oh I'm sorry" to the fact I don't have children!

Do you ever question yourself as a person by your " revulsion" to small children?
I'm not sure I fully understand the question so forgive me if I haven't answered properly!
No, I don't question myself because I find lots of things about small child quite grim. It's just a quirk- I don't like being around small children who are eating because it turns my stomach but things which other people might find "disgusting" don't particularly bother me. I don't think it makes me any less of a "person".

FWIW, I often like to phrase my choice as "not wanting to be a parent" rather than "not wanting children", which, I think, makes it about me and the choice I have made for myself rather than being against children so to speak

That's really interesting, thanks for that. I hadn't really thought about it like that before. I'm always quite keen to shared some of the "blame" with DP too so to say we don't want to be parents/have children. I think so often the focus is put on women (the questions, the comments, the assumptions about being child-free) and men get away with it pretty easy. Grr!

That's very true OP - I get all the questions about why I don't want them - DH doesn't!

I’m interested in what you say about finding it patronising if people say “You might change your mind”. I remember saying this to someone a few years ago but I meant it quite neutrally - not as a “You think you don’t want children but you do really.” The person concerned was in their early twenties and very dogmatic about it. I just thought it was a shame to be quite so certain of anything at that age, and not open to possibilities. In a similar vein I was quite certain I didn’t want to work in Finance at that age, and i’m now an accountant!

If it was you I said it too, then apologies! But I hope you can see that it wasn’t intended to be patronising. If anything, quite the opposite.

Treats The thing is I knew I didn't want children in my teens. That never wavered and now heading towards my 50s I can honestly say I am glad I am at that age when I don't keep hearing 'you will change your mind' as I do think it is patronising. Not sure why I would need to be open to 'having children' as it's not like you can simple drop into parenthood and then go nah don't really think it's for me after all.

'But I hope you can see that it wasn’t intended to be patronising. If anything, quite the opposite.'

The thing is though, no one ever says 'you might change your mind' to people who do want to be parents. Anyone might change their mind about all sorts of things but it's not very nice to hear it. It does suggest that you don't really know what you're talking about, and it's not a neutral comment at all

@Treats I think it's because it's a loaded question.

You don't get people saying "ah well you'll probably change your mind" if someone comments that they're planning to have children. It's only used this way round.

Or people saying "you'll regret it" or stuff like that.

Only ever to people who have given it quite a lot of thought and careful consideration (in my experience those who are child free have always thought about it quite a lot, because it takes some effort to go against the perceived "normal" and all the bother you get for it)

Cross post Shots! Totally agree about childfree people giving the matter lots of thought and consideration. It's never just a 'nah, can't be bothered'

I understand. I think the context was it was said to somebody who was very young, and very much in the vein of “Don’t rule anything out at this time of your life” and also I definitely said “might” and not “will” or “probably”.

I get the point that I wouldn’t have said it to somebody who said they definitely did want children, but equally if a woman in their early twenties said that they only wanted to be a mother and not do anything else, wouldn’t you be tempted to suggest that they might want to do something outside the home one day? To me, that’s kind of the equivalent- not shutting yourself off from possibilities at an early stage of your life.

I can’t imagine I would say it now (I’ve lived a lot more of life since then and take a much less black and white view of the world than I once did) and certainly not to someone who was evidently living a very fulfilling life without children as the OP clearly is.

I understand. I think the context was it was said to somebody who was very young, and very much in the vein of “Don’t rule anything out at this time of your life”

It's one of those comments that is never meant offensively but does come up a lot. A bit like the number of people who comment on me being short.

You do, at some point, stop just laughing them off & come up with some rather more pointed responses.

What do you think you would be like as a parent if you became a parent unexpectedly? (And termination/ adoption wasn't an option for some reason in this thought experiment).

I know a child free by choice couple who basically treat their pets like babies. I find that quite odd. If I was going to choose someone to baby I would choose an actual baby. Can you shed any light?

Totally agree about childfree people giving the matter lots of thought and consideration. It's never just a 'nah, can't be bothered'

So true. I've had to point out to people that I'm approaching 40, have been married for 12 years and been with my DH for 18 years in total so do they really, honestly think that the subject of parenthood has never come up in our considerations or conversations. So many people seem to think they are bestowing some kind of enlightenment on us by suggesting we might want to think about having children.

It would depend a lot on the age of the children in that case. I personally could not physically look after tinies properly, due to the strong disgust I have re their feeding and leaking and unpredictable explosions. Also, screaming hurts me and my tolerance for it is about 20 minutes. I'd have to have serious help. Older ones maybe I could deal with but I would really resent the loss of being able to be spontaneous, have loud sex, my free time, etc etc. Again, I'd need a lot of help in order not to go completely mad.
I like what someone upthread said about 'not wanting to be a parent' as opposed to 'not liking kids'. I've just never ever wanted a child hanging off me, and consequently there's no way that's fair to the potential child.

Not a question but just to comment honestly, before I had a child, I used to believe that people who decided not to parent (I like that description too) must have had some dysfunctional background and that there was just something wrong there. (Although I'd never say that - how awful some of the comments some of you have received). Having had a child and experienced it, I see it as a completely rational and valid life choice not to do so, and believe that these people have seen having children more realistically than I ever did. This doesn't mean for a minute I wish I hadn't had kids, but it has in many ways been the hardest thing I have ever done and my life has changed immensely. There are many highs that I'd hate to miss out on personally, but I respect you all in making a sensible decision regarding the lifestyle you want. You meet many mums who will tell you about the constant undying love for their child and how much they love it all - it all feels a bit forced to me. I find it hard to believe there are many parents who find it this wonderful all the time and now find the need to profess that you do a bit dysfunctional.

Yes. I've had to justify being childfree over and over and over again. My sister though who 'fell pregnant' received nothing but congratulations even though she hadn't thought through some very basic things about parenting.

I think I'd be an adequate parent. I have no doubt I would love my child(ren) and I would give them the best upbringing that I could, doing lots of fun things. But I also think that I would be internally resentful of what I was sacrificing and I can imagine losing my temper at times and probably locking myself away to cry. I'm not sure that I could contain the resentment. Kids are perceptive to that kind of thing and I hate the idea of potentially screwing up a child's life like that.

Pressed send too soon.

When I think about the prospect of having children, I feel fear, dread and stress. I immediately picture myself feeling unhappy but putting a brave face on and making the most of it. I do truly believe there will be many moments of happiness and magic but for me they are outweighed by the negative. I've felt this way since I was a child.

It seems that most women feel the opposite, they think of future parenthood as a happy time even if they are realistic to the fact that there will be stressful and difficult times involved.

That, to me, sums up the fundamental difference between me and my sister, my best friend, and most other women I meet. I don't think either of us are wrong. It's just a difference in opinion.

Another childfree woman here! Whenever maternal instincts were being handed out, I must have missed the memo. Never wanted any, and now I am reaching the age where it would no longer be possible, I’m more relieved than anything else. And yet I’m good with kids and can deal with spit up and nappy changes no problem. I just never wanted the unrelenting responsibility, the perpetual noise and mess, and definitely not pregnancy.

Do you have more sympathy than the average woman with men who become fathers against their will and then decide not to have any relationship with their child, or are involved but a poor parent?

How would you view a potential boyfriend who chose to not see his kids by his ex, or who saw them but was a bad father to them? (as in he was selfish/ obviously disinterested in them, rather than beating them or something)

Revulsion I feel might be a denial thing /lack of confidence . I worked with someone who hated children with a passion. In the end she had a baby aged 43, with her partner she'd been with for 20 years. We were so surprised and she was a completely different person with her daughter (but wasn't a braggy over proud mum.)

Dogs and toddlers very similar

I’m convinced my baby was swapped for a puppy when he was about 8 months old and has not been swapped back personally. I mean he’s talking now but I’m pretty sure some dogs can talk right?

Oh I'd really recommend an old book called childless by marriage by Sue Lick ( you can get it on kindle ) It is old but a really thought provoking look at not having your own child/children.

Interesting thread. I have never wanted children, or felt remotely maternal. I managed to get to the age of 39 before being faced with an unplanned pregnancy. I had considered an abortion, but my DP is a decade older than me, has no other children, and was really excited as he had resigned himself to not having any (he has always wanted children, I have given him several opportunities to leave but he never has) so I thought "what the hell". I'm gradually warming to the idea now and I'm pretty sure that he will be more than happy to do his fair share (if not more) of the childcare. I've already told him that if I don't like it I'm running away with the dog

Just googled the book, give. About a woman who "always wanted to be a mother" but never had the chance? How do you think that applies to those of us who've said we just never felt the urge?