I am child-free by choice AMA

[MikeCheck12]

Ask away...

'Also, I've always wondered whether it feels very annoying or even hurtful to child free people when say colleagues make pregnancy / birth announcements and quite openly show their excitement, send photos around and so on? '

For me, yes it can be hurtful and upsetting. I was ambivalent about babies for a long time and went through phases of desperately wanting one. I have had to hide and cry in the toilets when colleagues brought babies in. Babies are celebrated way more than anything else in adult life and that can feel really excluding and isolating.

I would say fine to announce pregnancy and birth, but no to sharing scans, photos, etc and definitely no baby showers at work!

I think for me it's not even about whether having kids would be a good or bad thing. It's just not a me thing.

I can quite happily appreciate that other people love being parents. I just can't identify with it & the talk about the good bits leaves me just as cold as the talk about the bad bits. I do like most of the kids I know, I just have no desire at all to have any of my own.

I also don't like it when women have babies and from then on talk only about babies. Beyond dull.

I think if I'd made the decision based purely on logic, I wouldn't have had children. But I felt a strong instinctive urge to have them (and I do enjoy many aspects of parenthood). Have you ever felt a biological/ hormonal urge to get pregnant?

No

@NameChangedAgain18 this is me. Not a great childhood. No kids if my own, it didn't seem to be enjoyable for anyone so why would I?

I don't have any issue with anyone else getting pregnant or having babies at all. But equally don't expect me to gush over scams or babies In the workplace. It's just not very interesting.

And I do agree with @Blackbirdblue30 that some people can become utter bores with a single track interest.

I've been at more than one professional event and heard women, who are explicitly attending in their work roles, make networking introductions by stating motherhood first. Who cares?

I also have no problem being motivated enough to brush my teeth twice a day, so no worries there either.

Hi OP. I hope you don't mind me hijacking the thread but I've been reading with interest and thinking through some of my own answers to questions so I thought I would note them here:

1. Have you always felt this way

Yes, for as long as I can remember, I had no interest in being a parent but it was only a relatively recent revelation to me that this is a choice I can make and stick to!

2. Are you married

Yes, and yes, the pressure is enormous. There were times in the first two years of marriage where I wished we hadn’t done it. I loved my wedding day and I loved the fact that we were officially a family of two with a legal commitment but the pressure and criticism on our lifestyle started as soon as the honeymoon ended. Realistically though, if we had remained co-habiting partners, we would just have had double the pressure to both get married and have children so you can’t win really.

3. Do you often feel glad that you don’t have children or do you not think about it much

A difficult question to answer. There are definitely times when I feel glad but I wouldn’t say this happens often. I don’t go around scowling at mothers and babies and thanking the heavens that I have a different life. There are also times when I feel sad about things on which I know I’m missing out. More often than not, however, it’s not really something that’s in my thoughts. It just “is” as a part of me and my life. I do find it somewhat perplexing that something that is very much not a big deal to me is such a huge deal to others and used to define me, but then I guess the same could be said for women who are mothers. It’s all just a bit “women, know your place!”

4. How old are you?

38

5. Do you have any pets?

No. I would love a dog. I always grew up with dogs in the family but it’s just not feasible – DH and I both work long hours and my job is particularly demanding with a long commute. Pets are definitely in the plan for retirement!

6. Why on Mumsnet?

I’ve been here for a very long time. I remember seeing quotes from David Cameron’s webchat and thinking how articulate and wise everyone seemed to be so I lurked for a while and then the tripadvisor threads really drew me in so I joined up. Prior to this I had been looking for an intelligent, female-centred, space online. I found this here. I have received, and hopefully provided, excellent advice on healthcare – contraception, weight management, depression and anxiety; coping with my elderly and terminally ill parents; employment issues; what to wear to a wedding; how to overhaul my skincare routine as well as joining in truly powerful debates on feminism, Brexit and more. And then there is the entertainment; I don’t think I’ve ever snort-laughed on a daily basis as I have since starting to read MN. There are some bloody funny posters out there! I understand that this site is predominantly frequented by women with children but I don’t think my status without children precludes me from any of these discussions, nor from learning from and sharing knowledge with women who have different life experiences from me.

7. Do you accept that paying taxes for things like schools, child benefit etc is a good and worthwhile use of public money considering the alternative or are you one of those "child free" people who resents the idea that other people have children as well?

Absolutely, I’m happy for taxes to contribute towards society as a whole. Interestingly, my BiL and SiL have two kids at a very posh fee-paying school and fully resent the fact that their taxes go towards state education as they are effectively paying twice and constantly moan about looking for a rebate on this portion of their payments.

8. How do you feel about (not super upmarket) cafes and restaurants having children in attendance etc?

I think all sections of society should be able to go to eat, spend time with family etc but the onus should be on the parents to ensure that behaviour is appropriate. 9 times out of 10, I will have no problem with children being present and most of the time won’t even notice them. I’d like to think I would be more focused on my own company, food etc than spending the duration of a meal out looking at other people. If a child is constantly bothering me or shrieking to the extent that my conversation is drowned out and neither the staff nor parents are doing anything to alleviate the situation then yes, I will start to feel irate but to be honest, I’ve experienced the same reactions from friends who are parents anyway so I don’t think this is a parent/non-parent divide.

9. Do you get many rude comments?

Yes, lots. Which is why I can sometimes appear defensive about this subject. My own sister, with whom I used to be so close, barely speaks to me these days other than to tell me I am immature, selfish, missing out, not a real woman etc. Other family members have said the same. My dad constantly talks about changing his will as there is no point in leaving me anything. I’ve had people say things like “Wow, I thought you were a nice person” which really hurts. I genuinely don’t see this as a personality thing but (some) others want to categorise me in a way that says more about their attitudes then mine.

10. Are there any parts of having children you like the idea of? Eg. for me the thought of having lots of children and their partners all come round for a Sunday dinner is a lovely image for me for the future, however idealised that is...

Yes. This is what I mean when I say above that I do sometimes feel sad about my decision. I do know that there are lots of lovely things on which I am missing out and I think that it is healthy to acknowledge this and move on. Weighed up against the rest of my opinions and the way I feel, these moments are not enough to change my mind. I have used this kind of thing as an analogy to a friend who had a go at me once when I came back from a holiday. Apparently, I shouldn’t have posted pictures of my travels because it made her feel bad that she can’t afford holidays. I pointed out that many of her lovely family moments give me pangs of sadness and pause for thought but ultimately I know that I can’t have it all so have prioritised other things, as has she.

What would you do if you had a contraception failure and fell pregnant. No judgement either way just interested

Jesus Fish, they are seriously nasty comments. What on earth is wrong with people?! My dad told me that not having children would make me very selfish - right, coz all parents are such paragons of empathy and sensitivity! But he hasnt threatened to cut me out of the will so far

Quite. Nothing quite like that for making me feel my existence is entirely pointless!

A few more:

1. Did you ever doubt that you would never have children or did you always think that it would never happen 100%? What about now? You are still of child baring age-do you think you may change your mind or are you dead certain you won't have children even if it means having an abortion?

I’ve never felt comfortable with the idea, even as a child. However I thought it was something I would have to end up doing and that always made me feel sad and anxious. I can’t remember the exact moment that I came to the realisation that being a parent is not mandatory, it was a gradual realisation throughout my early twenties, I think. Over the past decade, I’ve also been diagnosed with several issues which may well affect my fertility – endometriosis, PCOS, and then early peri-menopause symptoms from age 34. Although difficult to manage in their own way, I have also seen these as a bit of a relief that the decision may be out of my hands (apologies, this is obviously personal experience and is no way intended to upset anyone going through infertility issues). Although I’ve been pretty much 100% set in my decision, I always think it helps to keep doors slightly ajar, if not fully open, so I check in with myself and my husband regularly to see if anything has changed deep down. Right now, if I were to become pregnant, I am certain I would seek a termination but it is difficult to say for sure when I haven’t been in that position.

2. What was your childhood like?

It may have affected the decision. I had a happy childhood but I was aware that I seemed to be a burden to my parents and it was made clear that they couldn’t afford things they would like or didn’t have full freedom because of the cost of raising children. So perhaps that has skewed my views. Hard to tell really as my sister has gone the other way and was determined to start a family early and ensure they are the centre of her universe.

3. How do you feel about spending time with friends who have children when their children are present?

I’m very much with the OP on this one. I genuinely love seeing my friends’ kids from time to time but adult time is much more appealing to me and it does get galling when you think you have made clear arrangements for a good catch up but you end up spending a couple of hours as a third wheel. Obviously I don’t grudge friends with very young babies and/or no childcare for this kind of thing.

4. Do you enjoy interacting with other people’s children?

Some of them. Children tend to have differing personalities just like adults and I enjoy being with some of them but for others I have to grit my teeth and count the hours until I can leave.

5. Do you work high up in a business role where you think it would be hard to take time off for pregnancy and birth? What I mean is, would children disrupt your career path?

Yes and no. I do hold a senior position and currently work very long hours and find the job very demanding. Most people therefore assume that I have chosen career over children. It is, however, a very family friendly company (I kind of wish they would afford the same views and opportunities for work-life balance to everyone) so I don’t think my career would be disrupted. I would be encouraged to take maximum maternity leave and then they would pull out the stops to arrange job/shares, reduce my remit, allow flexible working, full refresher training etc on return. To be honest, the fact that I have observed colleagues with children getting an “easier” time in my organisation would be a reason to have a child of my own! In this respect I could have my cake and eat it but it still comes down to that fundamental part of me that doesn’t want this. I would say that women in similarity senior positions to me in this organisation are 50/50 in terms of parenthood/childfree

6. Do you ever worry about being lonely when you are older?
   Yes I do. I worry that DH will die young and I’ll have years alone but I don’t see having a child as a means of counteracting this. I live on a different continent to my own parents and I know many older people who are never visited by their children. If I did have a child, I’d want them to be off enjoying life and not worrying about me. So although I worry for my future, I see this as a completely separate discussion to the motherhood thing.

7. Also, I've always wondered whether it feels very annoying or even hurtful to child free people when say colleagues make pregnancy / birth announcements and quite openly show their excitement, send photos around and so on? Thanks.
   It’s not annoying in the slightest and I will happily celebrate pregnancy and birth announcements with colleagues who are clearly delighted to be embarking on this phase in their life. At the same time, however, these announcements make me feel sad. Not because I want to be in that position but because it is another reminder that I am different from the majority of women. I couldn’t imagine celebrating a pregnancy announcement of my own and that must make me some kind on un-woman. I guess the nasty comments do tend to get to me so big celebrations of pregnancy do tend to make me sad in this way. I’d never expect anyone to tone it down on my part though.

I'm finding this quite cathartic!

Have to say this thread has been far nicer than the sub on reddit with it's comments about "breeders" and "crotch fruit".

When you say you've always thought why would anyone ever have children. What's so bad about them that made you think that?
I just never ever imagined my life with children in it. I just look at the whole process of having/raising children and think "why on earth would you do that?" I do find children quite boring, tedious, annoying and dirty but that's not really the "reason" behind me being child-free

Also, I've always wondered whether it feels very annoying or even hurtful to child free people when say colleagues make pregnancy / birth announcements and quite openly show their excitement, send photos around and so on?
Not hurtful or annoying at all. I'm pleased that they're pleased but I'm always quite baffled as to why on earth they've chosen to do it

Could you ever imagine youself getting into a relationship with someone who has children, either small or adult children? I didnt want children untill I became a step mum.
Do you have child relatives?
Nope, I would never be in a relationship with someone with children (married anyway so no chance!). I don't want children in my life at all.
My DP has nieces and nephews but we very, very rarely see them..

Have you ever felt a biological/ hormonal urge to get pregnant?
Not at all. I fell pregnant a few years ago and hated every second of it.

Me too! Never had them, never want them and will never understand anyone who does. The thought of someone needing me that much and taking over my life could drive me to tears.

Have you ever felt a biological/ hormonal urge to get pregnant?
Not at all. I fell pregnant a few years ago and hated every second of it.

I'm expecting to hit perimenopause soon & I've seen a lot of women about my age talk about suddenly getting that really strong "last chance" urge.

I tried a sort of experiment on the bus the other day. I kept saying to myself "If I don't have kids soon I'll never have them", "This is my very last chance to be a mum", "If I'm not quick I'll never know how it feels to be pregnant & give birth".

And my responses were: "Nope,", "Yes, and...?" and "Fine. Oh, it's my stop."

I'm meeting my cousin's new baby at the weekend, that will be very nice & I'll have a cuddle if offered, but I'm more than happy to leave it at that.

Wow, I am happily child free but I am shocked by some comments others have made to you. I have fielded a few questions about whether I’d have children, not long after I got married, but I don’t think anyone has ever made a nasty comment to me about it. I am 37 now so the window is closing and hopefully there’ll be no more questions coming in my direction. Sorry to hear that hasn’t been the same for you!

Have to say this thread has been far nicer than the sub on reddit with it's comments about "breeders" and "crotch fruit"
I agree. I hate those kind of comments and thread which pit parents and non-parents as opposites, them and us. We're all just adults trying to live the best life we can. For some of us that will involve children, for some of us it won't. There's no objectively "right" choice, just the choice which is right for you. Some people will live their best life with weekends full of adrenaline rush sports while some will spend their weekends with Radio 4 and a brew. Neither is "right" or "better", it's just whatever you're into.
I think calling the children themselves names is horrible and downright childish. I don't particularly like children and never want to have any but I recognise they're humans and deserve some level of respect. I see parallels between the way some child-free by choice people talk about children/parents and the way men talk about women

think calling the children themselves names is horrible and downright childish. I don't particularly like children and never want to have any but I recognise they're humans and deserve some level of respect. I see parallels between the way some child-free by choice people talk about children/parents and the way men talk about women

Absolutely, OP. Threads on this theme often turn really nasty. I respect anyone’s choice not to have children - as the parent of two much-wanted DC I don’t necessarily understand that decision but I respect it and I would expect the same treatment vice versa. It’s horrid when the threads descend into one conspiratorial pack pitted against the other.

I have a AMA question - op what would happen now if you became pregnant by accident?

I have a AMA question - op what would happen now if you became pregnant by accident?
I would opt for an abortion. I had a contraceptive failure a few years ago and opted for an abortion then.

I agree about some of the childfree forums and sub-reddits out there. I understand the need to vent frustrations but I don't like the way women and being pitted against women over this issue and some of the terminology used elsewhere on the internet doesn't help this cause at all. I mentioned upthread about the attitudes some of my family members have about me being childfree and it is very much based on the media construct of a child-hating monster. As I said, I was going to start this AMA myself but was scared off because I was worried it would turn nasty, having experienced so much of this personally. This has actually been a really pleasant thread and I'm grateful to the OP for starting it.

FWIW, I often like to phrase my choice as "not wanting to be a parent" rather than "not wanting children", which, I think, makes it about me and the choice I have made for myself rather than being against children so to speak.

Also with you OP. I don't think my biological clock ever got wound up, and now I'm beyond the menopause I really don't regret it.

I had quite a dysfunctional childhood and I always knew I didn't want to have children of my own.

I was a step parent for nine years, but I always knew I wasn't a "natural" at it and so I didn't attempt to be a mummy figure as I thought the kids would see through it. They survived me though, and they're fairly reasonable young adults now.

The only thing that I was ever curious about was whether a child would inherit whatever genes I have that make me musical, but obviously I never found out the answer to that question.

Do you ever question yourself as a person by your " revulsion" to small children?