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AMA
Original poster

I'm an adopter AMA

114 replies

HammerToFall · 03/07/2018 13:19

I have two adopted children who have both been diagnosed with attachment. There are so many misconceptions about adoption and the way it affects children - feel free to ask anything

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Urbanbeetler · 03/07/2018 13:24

Is it harder than you thought or were you well prepared and supported to receive your children?

Original poster
HammerToFall · 03/07/2018 13:25

@urbanbeetler, far harder. We were in no way prepared for attachment issues, and were told with the children being under two there would be no issues. The reality is far from this.

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Jellycatspyjamas · 03/07/2018 13:49

I’m also an adopter and can’t believe any professional would say that an adopted child wouldn’t have attachment issues regardless of age at placement. Attachment issues are central to all adopted children because key attachment figures have been removed from their lives. Unless you adopted some time ago, but in the last 10 years or so it’s all been about attachment.

Parkrunner25 · 03/07/2018 13:51

How do you politely tell people to "eff off" when they ask about you child's "story".

SuperSuperSuper · 03/07/2018 13:56

Do you have bio children and if so, how do they feel about their siblings?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 03/07/2018 13:57

Congratulations! That’s all Flowers

kitchenrollinrollinrollin · 03/07/2018 14:10

How long was it from first making contact with social services about adopting to being approved? And then from being approved to meeting your child?

Salmonpinkcords · 03/07/2018 14:19

Do you worry that when the children are older they will blame you for their adoption? I mean if the biological parents fought to keep them but social services removed despite this. I’m not at all saying there is any blame but I’m thinking how cruel and ungrateful children can be to their parents especially as teenagers.

Original poster
HammerToFall · 03/07/2018 14:24

Jelly, it was 13 years ago when we first when through our home study so attachment disorder and developmental trauma wasn't as widely accepted. I'm self taught in PACE and DDP but I do believe if I'd have had the knowledge and the tools earlier our house would be a much better place.

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Original poster
HammerToFall · 03/07/2018 14:24

Parkrunner25 they don't tend to ask me any more, but my stock answer used to be it's not my story to tell!

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Original poster
HammerToFall · 03/07/2018 14:25

Super, No, we don't have any bio children

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Original poster
HammerToFall · 03/07/2018 14:29

Salmonpink, I don't think they will
Blame me for the face they were adopted as they already had a placement order before we were approved, however my son at this minute in time certainly thinks he would have had a better with birth parents

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Salmonpinkcords · 03/07/2018 14:30

How does attachment disorder manifest itself?

Original poster
HammerToFall · 03/07/2018 14:30

Kitchen, around a year and a half from first visit to approval panel, we were approved in the December just before Christmas and met our son the following may

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littlemisscomper · 03/07/2018 14:32

What made you think 'Those are the children for us!' when you first read/heard about them?

Salmonpinkcords · 03/07/2018 14:32

Why does your son think he would have had a better life with birth parents?

My brother is in process of adopting so this is very interesting for me!

Original poster
HammerToFall · 03/07/2018 15:58

Salmon, attachment disorder manifests in that a baby that has been removed from parents had had its first attachment broken, couple with birth mum coming and going while in foster care, then leaving care so attachment number two is broken, along side and instinct that the child isn't where they are supposed to be results in an inability to be able to trust adults, and my two spend most of their life in flight or fight survival mode, the logical brain just can't engage.

He believes his birth parents would be better as he could go on his PlayStation/tablet/phone 24 hours a day, would be able to stay up really late, eat what he wants etc. He believes that he is the person to make choices for himself and we only adopted him so we could be mean!

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Original poster
HammerToFall · 03/07/2018 15:59

Littlemisscomper, we had seen the profiles of a few children, we went for a drink that night to mull it over. As we walked into the pub a song by an artist with the same of our son (obviously he was just a name then) was playing and it seemed like fate. We both said at the same time 'I want to adopt ** '

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Thirtyrock39 · 03/07/2018 16:07

What age did you tell your children about their birth parents ?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 03/07/2018 16:12

Do you find that you judge the birth parents for not being there to take care of their child?

Original poster
HammerToFall · 03/07/2018 16:14

Thirtyrock, they have known from day one that they were adopted, we share age related information as to why they couldn't stay with birth parents, we do life story work as and when the need arises.

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Original poster
HammerToFall · 03/07/2018 16:16

Wellfuckmeinbothears, no I don't judge birth parents for not being able to take care of them. They are a product of their own childhood and caught Ina viscous circle. I may be slightly more judge about the fact that birth mum continues to have another baby every two years knowing full well they will be taken into care and then adopted. I've seen how much it has affected my two and wouldn't wish it on anyone ever mind a child

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A0001 · 03/07/2018 16:16

I’m also an adopter and can’t believe any professional would say that an adopted child wouldn’t have attachment issues regardless of age at placement.

To be fair, I had a paediatrician tell me my adopted DC can’t have attachment issues because they were removed before they were 3.

That was last year...

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Original poster
HammerToFall · 03/07/2018 16:19

A001, It's appalling isn't it. The amount of 'professionals' who have said to me well they were under two they won't remember!

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Giovanna75 · 03/07/2018 17:15

Do you regret it OP ? Hard question I know!