I'm an adopter AMA

[HammerToFall]

I have two adopted children who have both been diagnosed with attachment. There are so many misconceptions about adoption and the way it affects children - feel free to ask anything

Socialanx, thank you! It means a lot to hear someone say that. I often feel like I'm a complete failure so thanks

I appreciate this question isn't directly related to your experience as a parent with adopted children, and understand if you might want to skip answering it as a result. But With your knowledge of attachment disorders, can they happen if a mother has moderate pnd, lacks an initial bond with their child ? Or are they the result of much more disruptive circumstances?

Endodtether, absolutely! I run a support group and have a lady with the same issues you describe. Feel free to PM me for more info

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences OP - as someone who's a long time member of the infertility boards (and who's reached the end of the road with treatment), this is a perfect example of the glib comments thrown at infertile couples of 'why don't you just adopt' are so unhelpful. Because there's nothing 'just' about it.

A friend did concurrent parenting / foster to adopt - a baby boy came to her aged 5 weeks. He was returned to his BM at 10 months: she was the only BM they had ever had who had got it together to take a baby back, so whilst my friend was aware it was a possibility the adoption might not be possible, they were assured it was very very unlikely. She was devastated when he left her. She now has two beautiful girls, but as she said to me once 'You battle so hard to get them. Breathe a huge sigh of relief when you finally have them in your home, then the hard work starts.'

I am writing a book about real women's stories of infertility, that don't all end with a miracle baby - and am hoping to include stories of adoption after infertility. If you'd be willing to share any of your thoughts (anonymously of course) that would be very very much appreciated - happy to pm with more info.

Regardless am so grateful for your insight on this thread, and think you are clearly an amazing woman, and are doing a fantastic job in incredibly challenging circumstances. I'm sad that your DC have been through the start they have, but am so glad they've come to parents as wonderful as you

Hammer - you know you're not a failure don't you?

We did not cause our children's problems, we do the best we can in difficult circumstances.
You are the best mum your kids could have . Remember that x

Thanks for your informative posts, OP.

Why do girls seem to be more in demand than boys, almost everywhere in the world, where adoption is concerned?

Should it be made easier or harder to adopt, in your opinion?

Kokeshi, I have no clue! We certainly didn't express a preference for a girl hence we adopted our son first. As far as the adoption process, I think every prospective adopter should go on a therapeutic parenting course and should meet with an experienced adopter before they are approved. After adoption support needs to be drastically approved in my option. It took a year from placement to the adoption order going through and we saw a social three times in that year both times

It's almost as though once the children are placed it's another one of the social workers books. But then social worker case loads is a whole other thread!!

Thanks for your reply :)

I wonder if things have moved on a bit since your kids were placed or if there’s a national/regional difference in post adoption support? I know for us we saw a social worker (either ours or the DC social worker) initially once a week, moving to fortnightly and slowly tapering off to monthly. We stopped booking regular meetings with SW about 8 months post placement - 4 months after the adoption order was granted but can still contact the adoption team if need be.

I’m in Scotland and that pattern of contact seems consistent across the Scottish adopters I know unless they’ve reduced contact themselves.

Thank you for starting this. I've found it really interesting. I listened to a podcast last year called 'the adoption' where they followed the journeys of the children, birth family and adopted parents. I shed several tears over it especially when they interviewed the grandparents who wanted to help but had already taken on one (or two) of the children already. Do you know whether any of the birth family wanted to care for your children?
The sister of a work colleague had been accepted as an adopter of an 18 month old but at the last minute a non blood relative (auntie) came forward which dragged the process out by months. And she was unsuccessful. My friends family are just about to have the adoption finalised.

Also I know someone whose son was taken from birth parents at birth but he was almost two by the time he was adopted by his parents. Do you think they spend too much time and emphasis on getting them back with their birth parents? Surely after three or four children are taken away there's very little chance that things can be sorted out?
I'm not wording thus very well, sorry.
X

Also do you think there's anything you could do now if they had given you some indication about detachment disorders?
Obviously it's not something you can control when you are told it's not possible but what would you say to yourself back then?
I loved hearing about the attachment parenting posted by someone else. It seems like a really good idea.
Thank you again, and whilst your son may not see it now he's incredibly lucky to have you and his sister.
You are his safe place and he can react like that with you probably because he knows you love him. X

Do you think there might be an argument for removing some children earlier (or even at birth) from a known unstable home environment? Do you think that this might help the children as they could be placed in adoptive homes earlier & potentially lessen some of the attachment issues?

I appreciate I’m not the OP, but thought I’d give the recent questions a go.

I wonder if things have moved on a bit since your kids were placed or if there’s a national/regional difference in post adoption support? I know for us we saw a social worker (either ours or the DC social worker) initially once a week, moving to fortnightly and slowly tapering off to monthly. We stopped booking regular meetings with SW about 8 months post placement - 4 months after the adoption order was granted but can still contact the adoption team if need be.

We saw social workers about 5-6 times post placement. Their’s 2 or 3 times, ours 2 or 3 times. That was it. We’re in England.

Do you think they spend too much time and emphasis on getting them back with their birth parents? Surely after three or four children are taken away there's very little chance that things can be sorted out?

I can only speak to my children’s experience. My natural reaction is to say yes, too much time was spent before removing my children. Their child protection report is a litany of events over 2 years which any birth parent would be horrified by. Measure after measure was put in place to support birth mum but she couldn’t accept help. The report of events of concern was 20 pages long, but no single event triggered removal as it didn’t fall below the threshold... until a non accidental fracture was recorded.

However... future birth children have been removed under ‘the risk of future harm’ measure which many people disagree with. For me, birth mum has never taken any responsibility, therefore cannot change, therefore removal of children before actual harm is the right course of action. Others may disagree.

Peter...maybe that’s answers your question too?

Just to add in a positive story about subsequent children: our DC's birth mother has had two further children and has been able to keep both of them with her, because she has addressed the issues (primarily her choice of partner) that led to her oldest two children being taken into care.