I'm an adopter AMA

[HammerToFall]

I have two adopted children who have both been diagnosed with attachment. There are so many misconceptions about adoption and the way it affects children - feel free to ask anything

I'm an adopter too, Dd was taken at birth, she has no attachment disorder and came to us at 6 months from a very attached foster Mum.
Now a normal teen who can be a pain in the arse, but just like other the teens.
I was a foster Mum, and looked after the new born babies taken at birth, I made sure to try and use attachment parenting to try and prevent them from developing attachment disorders when they moved on to their new adoptive family, or to relatives of the birth Mum.
Best way to spend my days ever!

MonsterChopz
And kids become adults

MonsterChopz I just ignored those comments I figure she was looking for an argument. Don't feed the trolls.

True Growls, I'll just scroll on by...

*Troels - auto correct is the curse of my life

HammerToFall Do you think adoptive parents should be told every time a new baby is born to the biological mother? I ask because we have an adopted child in our wider family, the birth mother has had further children that have stayed with her, but none of the adoptive parents of her older children have been informed.

I just wondered if Social Services keep track of births to mothers whose older children have been removed.

Do you think that you need special skills to adopt or do you think anyone could do it?I

What measures do you take to stop your dc from being tracked down by their birth family.

I’m guessing the government don’t abort because the woman has autonomy over her own body, pregnancy is a personal issue and we don’t force people to abort against their will.

There are very complex reasons for women continuing to have children even after having one or more children removed - frustrating as it may be and as hard as it may be for the kids, birth parents usually have their own trauma history and challenges to cope with which gets in the way of decision making about birth control and pregnancy.

Just to make a point as a adoptee. Not everyone who is adopted does not have attachment disorder and i was adopted young as well. It does happen but not to all adoptees and feel this needs to be highlited on this post.

Greencoffee, these are MY CHILDREN you are referring to. Dregs of society?? Maybe a closer look at home is needed

Gran22, yes I believe adoptive parents should be told. At the end of the day the subsequent children born are my children's siblings. My kids have a right to know about them as they may want to seek them out when they are older. also to take into consideration is the fact the we adopted from the same city we live in, there is a chance these kids could meet each other as teens/young adults. If we weren't aware of the siblings that had been born it could end up in a tricky situation in the future.

Giving your baby up for adoption is also heavily stigmatised.

Elliejjtiny, I don't think you need special skills. I would recommend that anyone going for adoption does a therapeutic parenting course as it really does make a big difference. I wish I had parented with PACE from day one but I just didn't know about it. Bucketfuls of patience and ability to see beyond behaviour is very helpful.

Social media and access to the internet is limited. Facebook or instagram isn't allowed in our house. We are lucky as there isn't much risk of birth parents trying to track them down. My daughter has an unusual name which would make it easier for them to find her. However when they turn eighteen I would be happy to go with them to meet birth parents if that's what they wished to do

Jelly, my children's birth mum has quite severe learning difficulties. I don't think she links the act of getting pregnant to the pain that's caused when eventually baby is removed. It's a really sad situation, and I'm sure if she thought like we did she would take steps to prevent pregnancy, but then if she were able to think like that she probably would have been able to care for the children.

GreenCoffee what a vile thing to say.

My adopted son is currently cuddled up to me, has wrapped my arms around him and is pulling my face to his for kisses. He is beautiful and kind and loving. He is not a dreg of society.

How many children has the birth motjer now had in total?

I get what greencoffee is saying, just in a rather hideous way. It's a shame that these people are allowed to continue to have children they can't or won't care for.
But all that means is that you have done an even more amazing thing OP, and doing it twice to keep 2 siblings together is even more special.
Thanks to all the women on here who have adopted, it makes our society a better place and gives some of the most vulnerable a better chance in life.

My goodness I don't know where to start with greencoffee's posts!

My kids are amazing and certainly not the dregs of society. My DS is 12 and is top of many of his classes at his grammar school. He has won a gold medal in a national maths competition and got to the final of the schools national general knowledge quiz when he was at primary school. I could go on listing all the things he is brilliant at - he is one of those annoying kids who gets picked for everything.

DD 10 finds school tough but she works really hard and is really sporty and is an excellent actress. She is desperate to be a police officer when she grows up and knowing her determination she will get there.

And yet green coffee believes they should both have been aborted. That is a right kick in the guts.

To all the adopters upset by greencoffee's 'dregs' comment. It must be so hurtful to hear your children spoken about like that, but this is someone who thinks women in abusive relationships, women with substance abuse problems, women with learning difficulties should be taken and FORCED to have an abortion. That's some next level bullshit right there. Please, please don't pay an notice to their opinions. They're clearly morally reprehensible.

Discotits, she is currently pregnant with baby number 13

Do you think the 20/60/20 ratio you mentioned is more prevalent now because (most) children now in the system are there due to neglect and abuse? When it was the done thing for unmarried women to have to (be forced) into giving up children, I’d imagine that was a different scenario. Now. Most children are forcibly removed from abusive situations, from mother with abuse issues. Do you think the system has changed enough to support adopters through this? Are they open about the fact you and your child will most probably face moderate to severe issues emotionally, and potentially with a diagnosis of some issue? Are they honest with families looking to adopt about this?

darksideofbuttonmoon Thanks for that. It's sad to hear someone thinks such awful things about innocent children.
Great things are expected of my adopted youngster. I'm pretty sure many adopted children go on to wonderful work, chances are she has met some. You just don't know who is adopted and why, they tend to blend into society for the most part.

Neither of mine have attachment issues but both were removed from birth mother at the hospital a few after after their birth. They then went to fantastic foster caters until we adopted them at 10 months old.

DS does have some issues which we can link back to the way the move from foster carer to our home was handled. Three years later when we adopted DD the process had been changed ( for the better I think) and DD has suffered none of the issues DS has. That could just be explained by their very different personalities though.

The new method of concurrent planning or foster to adopt where the new born is cared for by the potential adopters would have been much better for my DS.

What are your views on nature vs nurture?
And did you ever get close to thinking you couldn't carry on.