I'm an adopter AMA

[HammerToFall]

I have two adopted children who have both been diagnosed with attachment. There are so many misconceptions about adoption and the way it affects children - feel free to ask anything

Giovanni, I don't know if regret is the right word. I love them to bits but it is certainly not the life I envisaged, maybe to put it a different way if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have done it but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Hammer, thanks for your honesty

My DM is adopted, happened as a newborn, but has grown into a very damaged adult. I've read that traits like narcissism are very common amongst adoptees as they are obsessed with creating a sense of control for themselves; my DM certainly has it in spades. Do things like that worry you?

What would you change about the system as it is?

donut, it worries me massively. My sons control is unreal. He is very avoidant, doesn't show any empathy, and genuinely believes that he never does anything wrong. his therapist has said she has seen that level of control descend into domestic violence in adulthood. It is a very big concern.

As far as changing things, you will never completely eradicate the attachment issues, and children that have spent time with birth parents who were abusjve or neglectful will be severely traumatised. I really don't know the answer

How much do you get told about how the children came to be up for adoption?

Dragons, ours was pretty comprhensive. Our son wasn't the first child of birth parents to be taken into care so we had a history of start to finish, my daughter is his full sibling so when we were approached about adopting her we already knew the history.

My dd was removed from BM at 2 hrs old, was with the same foster family until I adopted her at 22 months old, so on the face of it she had the best start an adopted child could have. She’s just been diagnosed with attachement disorder at 6. I was told at the time that she didnt have attachement issues .

OP how old are your dc? (Dont answer this if you’d rather not)

How do you know the mother is having babies every 3 years? Are you in contact with her? Does she know that her child was adopted by you?

Thebluedog, I think it's pretty much expected that any child that has been removed from birth parents will have some level of attachment disorder. I can definitely recommend DDP therapy and the NATP. I run support groups and listening circles for people who are parenting an attachment disordered child, and sometimes just being to say something without people looking at you like you're crazy can be empowering. Feel free to message me if I can help at all

Socialanx, we are informed every time a new sibling is born. These my children's half siblings and one day will want to know. Also we are usually approached to see if we like to be considered to adopt them.

Thebluedog, they are 12 and 10

Thank you hammer I’ve just been offered DDP so waiting for the sessions to start

Do you think your ds will will ‘recover’ (sorry if this is the wrong word) from attachement disorder, or do you just learn how to cope better and help him manage his emotions and actions?

Can a child "request" to meet their birth parents? Or do they have to wait till they're older if they want.

thebluedog, There is hope. My daughter is doing very well with DDP. Two years ago she was excluded from school, only option was PRU. I homeschooled for a while whilst fighting to get her into a specialist pod for emotional issues, she is now back in mainstream doing well.

Ds unfortunately is proving more difficult. He functions well at school and masks, his behaviour is all aimed at me (the sins of the birth mother apparently!) I am in blocked care at the minute with him so am not finding empathy and compassion very easy. I'm in therapy myself to try and look past the behaviour and see the frightened little boy he is inside. It's just not proving easy at the minute

Socialanx, not until they're 18. I guess we could approach social services and discuss with them before they were 18 but I don't think it would be recommended

You've described my mother there. She is never wrong, she lies and doesn't know she's doing it. She adores the role of martyr and will say whatever she needs to to keep that role.

She is incredibly controlling and was very violent to us as children. I think the damage that is done to adopted children has, and remains vastly under recognized.

To give this thread some balance. We adopted DD from foster care aged 12 months. Never had any attachment problems, she had been so well cared for by foster family that she knew she could trust us and was able to form secure attachment to DH and me.

She's 14 now and continues to be an absolute dream. Clever, sporty, sociable but happy in her own company too. She loves us and we adore her. Don't under estimate the resilience of adopted children - they aren't all 'damaged' or come with 'issues'.

they aren't all 'damaged' or come with 'issues'.

(Anecdotally) I’m told 20% of adopted children have few to no issues, 60% have moderate issues and 20% have severe issues

I know a significant number of adopters and that ratio, broadly speaking, seems right amongst my cohort.

This is a very naive question I'm sure but with attachment disorder why do you think we hear about it so much now in relation to adopted children? Is it that it takes longer for children to be removed from birth parents these days or that the systems aren't in place etc or just more of an awareness of it?
I've a few friends from childhood who are now adults who were adopted who haven't experienced any attachment issues and are really well rounded - why is it so different for this generation?

I think, certainly, that there is much more awareness of attachment disorder/developmental trauma. I also think that adoptions 30 years ago were usually newborn babies who were relinquished at birth. They were placed early with their adoptive families and attachment followed a more typical path - baby being rocked/bonding during bottle feeds/eye to eye contact. Most children now spend time with at least one foster carer before being placed with adoptive families and this is after possibly suffering neglect/abuse with birth family or spending time in hosp withdrawing following birth mum drug misuse. Sometimes these our kids have had 3 or 4 moves before they are placed with us. Not having your needs consistently met in the early days has such a big impact.

"dregs" and "Damaged goods"??? These are our children you're talking about. The most vulnerable in society.