Page 7 | Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

TablePlan26 · 2026-10-22T18:19:50+00:00

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time. I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say. I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped. DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here. Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it. Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

BeardySchnauzer · 22/10/2026 21:08

We have our set places at the table - DS and DH one side and DD and I the other. When my parents come I buy them at the two heads of the table (iyswim) but my mum doesn’t like it so I make DH give up his spot so we end up with two men at the heads but they aren’t considered the premium places!

agree it’s odd your mil moved the setting as it doesn’t make sense to have him at the head and then non matching numbers on the long sides

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 21:08

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:06

No, that wouldn’t be OK, a child needs to know its place and is never seated at the head of the table. Children also need to be taught basic table manners and voice volume, also sadly lacking nowadays.

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Oh, OK. This is like reading one of those 'How to be a good wife' books from the 1950s. It's a long time since anyone seriously talked like this in the UK, I guess you are American?

PollyBell · 22/10/2026 21:08

I just see each place as somewhere to sit i don't see it as head of a table as i am not living back in the 1950s it may have been at one time but an end of a table not head these days

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 21:09

Hundslappadrifa · 22/10/2026 21:06

Well that’s just bloody stupid, sorry!

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Why? Who is stupid?

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:09

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 21:05

Oh ffs, what makes you think things were any different then?

It was materialistic, selfish and self indulgent. What's family orientated about children being seen and not heard, of women being trapped in a loveless, abusive marriage with no access to money apart from what your husband "allows you"? As for technology - like the automatic washing machine? The vacuum cleaner? Or that wonderful modern invention, the dishwasher (wouldn't be without one even if I lived alone).

If women's lives were so much better then why did they campaign to change them? You have the CHOICE to live as you like now, women then didn't, they rarely had access to higher education and were frequently fired when they got married and/or pregnant. They were utterly screwed if their husbands left them and poverty awaited them if their husbands got sick (you know men get sick sometimes?) It was a vile, sexist, misogynistic time when women were utterly "less than". My grandmother was thrilled that I got to live a better life, with access to university and my own bank account and a husband that treats me like an equal and not someone he is in charge of?

You might be, but I'm not "less than" anyone.

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Another brainwashed modern woman who completely misunderstands that men and women operating distinct, complimentary roles, which are of equal importance, allows both to thrive.

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:10

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:38

This.

What is the head of the table anyway?

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Yeah I wondered this. Don't all tables have 2 'ends?' And if they're square, they'll have 4 'ends?'

I honestly couldn't be bothered to give this any headspace.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:11

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 21:08

Oh, OK. This is like reading one of those 'How to be a good wife' books from the 1950s. It's a long time since anyone seriously talked like this in the UK, I guess you are American?

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Nope, I’m English 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 Teaching children basic table manners shouldn’t even be up for debate. iPads at the table/in restaurants is diabolical!

Hundslappadrifa · 22/10/2026 21:11

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 21:09

Why? Who is stupid?

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Well, why would you want to be sat side-by-side on the two sides of the table when you could be one person at each side, including the two ends and have so much more room

LindaJonesJustCantLiveMYLifeNSoul · 22/10/2026 21:11

Tootsurly · 22/10/2026 21:05

I know it was years ago, but it was the 60th anniversary yesterday.

I'm not sure what you want me to verify? Yes, the NCB dismissed concerns about the spoil tips - that's well known - but that's not what I'm talking about. I mean things like women from the village being addressed using patronising terms like "my dear" and so on by various bigwigs from the coal board, etc.

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Yes the attitudes used towards the women.
I was aware of the 60th anniversary.
You've verified the condescending attitudes from that period.
Such a heartbreaking event.
I was born that year even now that tragedy makes sad reading

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 21:12

Hundslappadrifa · 22/10/2026 21:11

Well, why would you want to be sat side-by-side on the two sides of the table when you could be one person at each side, including the two ends and have so much more room

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If it is a long narrow table there will be more room on the sides than the ends. Also you might have the table legs at the ends which gives less leg room

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 21:12

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:09

Another brainwashed modern woman who completely misunderstands that men and women operating distinct, complimentary roles, which are of equal importance, allows both to thrive.

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You absolutely must be a troll.

I'm not interacting anymore.

ChiliFiend · 22/10/2026 21:13

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2026 19:28

It's sexist wallpaper, a habit that subtly encourages your dc to internalise that men are superior.

You're right to stop it, I would too!

That's a great phrase.

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:14

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:58

Some women respect and know how to spoil their husbands, deal with it.

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😂 you’re hilarious

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:16

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:14

😂 you’re hilarious

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We’ll see whose marriage lasts longer…😘

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:19

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 21:12

You absolutely must be a troll.

I'm not interacting anymore.

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Nope, I’m a traditional housewife, and very proud of it. Plenty of us still exist! 😘

I actually know plenty who are more militant than me…one criticised me on the school run for doing my weekly shop on the wrong week day!!! But I’ve since discovered she doesn’t iron, she looked quite put out that I iron all my husband’s work clothes and rushed to say her husband’s don’t need ironing, hmm. We are both super competitive, so the war continues…

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:21

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:19

Nope, I’m a traditional housewife, and very proud of it. Plenty of us still exist! 😘

I actually know plenty who are more militant than me…one criticised me on the school run for doing my weekly shop on the wrong week day!!! But I’ve since discovered she doesn’t iron, she looked quite put out that I iron all my husband’s work clothes and rushed to say her husband’s don’t need ironing, hmm. We are both super competitive, so the war continues…

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I’m intrigued, what’s the right day to do your shop? I’m an Ocado girl myself

Comtesse · 22/10/2026 21:21

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:53

That’s not all you said. You insulted her by saying she can do it in her own house but not at yours, like she was doing something bad.

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That is not an insult, it’s a factual statement.

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 21:23

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:11

Nope, I’m English 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 Teaching children basic table manners shouldn’t even be up for debate. iPads at the table/in restaurants is diabolical!

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Fair enough about teaching children table manners, but it's very unusual now to think that a man should sit at the head of the table or that his wife should serve him even in someone else's home. In fact I have never heard the second one.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:26

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:21

I’m intrigued, what’s the right day to do your shop? I’m an Ocado girl myself

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So, if you are genuinely interested, my friend/frenemy always does her weekly shop from Tesco on a Friday morning, and says that’s the best day so everything is fresh and ready for her husband and children at the start of the weekend. My day varies more, but she still turned her nose up at me going in a Thursday, which is only 1 day before hers! She also questions why I garden so much as my husband should be doing that, which I object to as gardening is integrative to homemaking, a really important part of our home to me…we regularly debate these things.

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:27

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:26

So, if you are genuinely interested, my friend/frenemy always does her weekly shop from Tesco on a Friday morning, and says that’s the best day so everything is fresh and ready for her husband and children at the start of the weekend. My day varies more, but she still turned her nose up at me going in a Thursday, which is only 1 day before hers! She also questions why I garden so much as my husband should be doing that, which I object to as gardening is integrative to homemaking, a really important part of our home to me…we regularly debate these things.

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Your life sounds really interesting

LindaJonesJustCantLiveMYLifeNSoul · 22/10/2026 21:29

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:27

Your life sounds really interesting

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Oh I so wish I knew how to put up YouTube link.
Irn bru advert..I used to be a man.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/10/2026 21:34

The only men I've ever known that went on about being at the Head of the Table or being the Head of the Family were useless fucking dickheads. I suppose they were attached to the idea because they were so inadequate by their own measures in everything else.

fifthinline · 22/10/2026 21:38

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

I agree

Booomerrranger · 22/10/2026 21:39

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:56

So by this logic, no man in your family ever cooks? Very modern.

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You’ve drawn the wrong conclusion. I cook in my house. I’m the only one who lives here.

My sons are the cooks in their families but they don’t sit at the head of the table.

whatanuglythingtosay · 22/10/2026 21:44

I don't think it's that big of a deal, honestly. My dad always sat at the head of the table, but DH doesn't. Neither of us really care one way or the other where we sit. I certainly don't think women are inferior or should be subservient to men because of where my father sat at the table.

I don't think you should have made a fuss over it, but she should have gone along with whatever you normally do while visiting your home, rather than pushing back. Both of you seem to take this more seriously than it deserves.