Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

To be honest, I don't really believe that is very often the case, at least not as simply stated as that is.

When I have seen dc object to further relationships, there has usually been a reason - the new partner rocks dynamic boat, the dc has reason to feel bad for the other parent etc.

I know it is often presented as being as simple as that - usually by the parent pursuing the relationship, their partner or friends - but ime people tend to have motivations that make them more than cardboard characters.

The breaking down of a family can cause really complicated loyalty issues for dc.

I've literally never seen this in adult children. Even ones with mental health problems or who are ND or anything that might cause it. I've never ever known an adult child who just wanted to sabotage their parent's relationship just because. I've certainly seen parents paint it that way, and then use that to valorise doing what they want as some great moral lesson, but it's never been true.

Would you not ask any questions if an adult had such a completely childish response to their parent having a partner? You would just accept it as face value and assume the child was just a dickhead and it was as simple as that?

@ThatCyanCat

unfortunately it can happen, usually with mothers rather than fathers.

I think it is easy to misinterpret protectiveness as well.

How many dads hate their DD bringing boys home! It isn't designed to sabotage their happiness.

The inconvenient reality is that bringing people into the bosom of a family can very, very hard for those family members who aren't wearing the love goggles. More so if that person shakes up the dynamics in a position of "authority" rather than the respect being expected to flow in the other direction.

ETA I know lots of people would find it convenient if these things were natural and easy for everyone round them, but the truth is very often they just aren't. I don't think blaming or name-calling the dc is fair.

Never, ever seen it. Although I've seen mothers claim it. They were all wrong. I knew the kids. I knew what was upsetting them. It was never some childish "just don't want mum with someone else" or the very fashionable "entitlement". Tbh if you've raised your kids to be one dimensional entitled pantomime villains at the age of 30 then I don't know how much moral high ground you can claim when you decide now is the time not to feed their "entitlement".

the very fashionable "entitlement"

I agree the term "entitlement" gets way-overused on MN as a way to railroad over the concerns or choices of dc.

This is confusing

The whole thread is asking the wrong question anyway, it wouldnt be OP choosing anything, it would be her children choosing and while thats very sad, the responsbility is not on OP, its on them.