Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

I think what's worrying is that both children have threatened to go nc , so that alone is a 🚩flag,

To to your question, if both were saying this, then yes I would , of course getting more information from them as to why they feel this,

Your DC are adults they can't really dictate your relationship choices yet for both to go no contact with you because of him indicates he's done something unfavourable and unforgivable. If they feel you agree with whatever he did they probably don't feel they can now trust you either. It takes a lot for kids to go no contact with a parent. I know as I have no contact with either of my parents due to them both being untrustworthy and I don't want my kids around them. Without any context you're not really going to get much straight replies of advice on here

Agree with this @DangerMouse33

I think your confusion over who is in the right already cost you your children. Clearly you came on here to get sympathy for your DH . You refusing to actually say what happened proves that as well.

Based on the fact that the OP refuses to explain exactly what her P did, that's my conclusion as well.

The incident is the very point of the thread. It's the catalyst for the whole thing, but it's the one thing the OP's not telling us. There can only be one reason for that - it reflects very badly on her P.

If the P shoved her DD - it sounds like this could be a plausible thing - then that's pretty serious.

This with bells on. They would rather you be completely on your own while they live full lives. My older dc is like this too and it stems from entitlement and control,

Yes. I've just reread the OP's comments back to back. It's pretty obviously skewed towards wanting her DC to be blamed. And it's working for many posters, so the OP will get what she's looking for, I guess.

Still no explanation of what actually happened, which is the most telling thing, imo.

It's one of those threads where it's screamingly obvious that there are several sides to every story, and we only have the OPs, who plainly doesn't want to ditch her partner, no matter what he's done, and would rather have her DC demonised by posters here instead.

I am the adult child in my situation. I no longer speak to my mums boundary crossing dh (she has had 3 of them) I have not had an apology. I still let mum visit, if she does not try fight his battles for him...you need to accept it is what it is. Try and keep contact going with your kids (adult)

OP, can I just ask were you a single mother to both daughters, ie, neither one of them has ever had a father living with you as a family?

If that's not the case, how long is it since you / their father separated?

In my experience, kids, young or adult, always have a problem with parents taking up with a new partner. However, to me the difference is what age the kids are when it happens. For example, if the kids are maybe toddler to 10 then I think they're more likely to accept their parent having a new partner. However, if they are late teens or even in their 20's or older, then I think that they just have to accept that their parent won't necessarily want to live a celibate life, and should accept, with as good a grace as they can muster, their parent's choice of new partner. The extremely difficult time for parents to split and then introduce a new parter into the lives of their kids, is I think when the kids are aged 11 to school leaving age, and I think it's only at that point that I would be prepared for my kids to have a say in any relationship that I might want to have, and only then, until the point that they have grown up and gone off to lead their own lives.

This is why I would like to know the answer to my initial question.

These are adult children, who don’t live with you, trying to dictate who you have in your life. Nope. They have their own lives, even if they choose to be in yours no doubt they won’t be around all the time, especially now there is bad blood. What happens with the next partner they don’t like? If you honestly think he did nothing to warrant the reaction and you are happy with him then you live your life. You can’t be dictated to by your adult children or by your partner.

Still her children... There has to be something there make them react this way.

The lengths some women will go to to hold on to a man, even one who will put hands on her children, is boggling.

Your lack of detail has been designed to give as little overview of what your partner actually did as you can get away with whilst skewing things against your child.

You came on here to get support for putting your DP first and you’ve had plenty so it’s unlikely you’ll come back but I imagine your daughters would tell a very different story. Especially the one who was there and been supportive until now. She is not throwing a relationship with her mother away over a minor incident.

To be honest, even if my kids were twats and my boyfriend was a saint, I'd still choose them. They're my children. They will never completely stop being my responsibility.

No at some point adults have to accept responsibility. Even adult children.

he is always right and can do no wrong

Have you considered a less shitty OH?

This doesn't explain why both DDs are threatening NC. DD1 might have an issue with OP taking a lover, but DD2 hasn't, yet is also now reacting strongly.

OP isn't telling us everything.

"Just that. I’m not saying I would, but would like some views"

Sounds like you have

@ThatCyanCat

it wouldn’t be helpful to them if you did that. It would just feed into their entitlement

Responsible for what? He was the one who laid his hands on one of them

A super simplistic approach that makes a lot of assumptions about how an adult might not have grown into a great person, but I don't care. They're my children and they're always going to come before a boyfriend. I have a lifelong duty to them that I don't have to a boyfriend. No decent person would want me to choose him over my children anyway. Doing whatever you want, cutting off your kids and then congratulating yourself for teaching them this wonderful life lesson now, at this stage, is just an attempt to valorise abandoning your children.

I haven't read the thread but my thoughts are some people are assholes and sometimes those assholes are your AC - like it or not.
If my AC were assholes - controlling and horrible (someone has to be their parent) I might. I might choose happiness with another human but I'd make it clear my door was always open. I don't think I'd sacrifice my life to live in servitude to my AC - there has to be a point where I'd put myself first.

@ThatCyanCat

But what if it was the case that your children just didn’t you want you to be in a relationship with anyone else other than their father? Would you just go along with that?

agree

is it the straw that broke the camels back maybe?

@Calliopespa

even in that scenario? ⬆️