Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

You're right that I wouldn't be able to infer someone else's feelings, but you're wrong that I wouldn't report what was actually said as best as I could remember it.

Leaving out detail makes no sense when asking someone to help you solve a problem. The first rule of raising a support ticket is to include all the information you can. Applying that kind of logic is very much an autistic trait.

This is the problem. Theres people on this thread claiming that they’d leave their husband or long term partner without a backward glance if their adult child wanted them to. Someone who is raised knowing this is of course likely to be incredibly self centred and believe the world revolves around them.

This is a horrible situation for you. Do you mind me asking if the NC has come about because your Mum has refused to have a relationship with you and your family separate to her partner?

Do you mind me asking if the NC has come about because your Mum has refused to have a relationship with you and your family separate to her partner?

That's a better way of describing what I was trying to describe above: situations where the parent compels the dc to have a relationship with the partner because they are having one, and not allowing for an independent relationship with their dc because they "come as a package."

I think that is the correct approach for a parent with dc to say to a partner that the dc come as a package, but I don't think it remains appropriate in the reverse.

I am NC with my mother.

My mother thinks it was because I got a bf who led me astray and was controlling and turned me against her

The nearly 2 decades of abuse and putting her family (I wasn’t considered family) and anyone else she met above me.
There are too many things she did or didn’t do that added to the reasons I went NC. But these over the years when brought up were dismissed as nothing.

Eventually there is that final act, those final words. It all might seem very minor but it’s the build up that came before and it’s that final tap that becomes too
much to bear

Could be valid. Maybe it was a last straw thing. Could be an angry person with an agenda. Going NC seems to be very trendy atm, especially among young adults.
Only you really know, as it is very unlikely to be about this one incident and you are not very clear on what actually happened.

DC1 was being very obnoxious towards me and present family, but in that jokey way that can be laughed off to a degree. She didn’t stop when I asked her to.

OK, so your DP told a young adult to stop being obnoxious to her mother and other family members?

I'm assuming that your DD was making insulting/sarcastic remarks, perhaps in a jokey way, but designed to hurt people? This suggests that she walks all over you and is possibly a bully. Is this the case?

I agree with @WhyWouldSomeoneDoThat that family therapy with your DD's would be a good step. They shouldn't be rude to you and other family members and you need to talk this through.

Sadly, I do have a few friends IRL (I'm 51) whose young adult children are rude and unkind to them, despite their parents bending over backwards for them. In fact, it tends to be the most amenable parents who get treated in this way, because their children know that they can get away with it with no consequences.

Given your update, I think this is less about your DP and more about about how your DD's view you and possibly a lack of respect for you.

Edit to say that if either of our children (21 and 17) are rude to us, the other parent does tell them to stop doing it. But it's easier when it's a parent, of course.

DC1 was being very obnoxious towards me and present family

What do the other "present family" think? They would have a much better handle on the situation than we do.

I think that is the correct approach for a parent with dc to say to a partner that the dc come as a package, but I don't think it remains appropriate in the reverse.

I completely agree with you, it's such a pity when a parent can't see what they are missing out on when all they have to do is maintain separate relationships.

Note the use of I in your first paragraph. No one is saying that you (specifically) would or wouldn't do those things. The issue is that you cannot say whether or not say that all autistic people would do the same thing - which is what you tried to do.

I think the pressure often comes from the partner, and the parent gets guilt-tripped. But there really is no need for adult dc to have a relationship with their parent's subsequent partner.

My friend's mum sadly passed away when her dc were babies and her dad found a new partner. At first it worked ok, but gradually the partner became more demanding about the family routines and traditions, geared everything more towards her own adult dc and gdc and my friend felt the interactions as an extended family were detrimental to her dc, so she tried to pursue a relationship with her df /their dgf separately, eg pop round for breakfast on Christmas Day then head away to your partner's family thing, but the new partner was determined it was her way or the highway. So the highway it was ...

ETA but I do think it was wrong of her Dad not to have more backbone and say "It is important to me to pursue the relationship with my dc and their dc." The relationship with the partner ought to be able to make space for that.

Not all autistic people do this. My OH would leave out detail that didnt make any logical sense to him, he wouldnt see it as relevant, he also wouldnt remember a lot of it, he would also try to paint himself in the best light - because he is always right and can do no wrong, so would leave out any detail that contradicts this.

Yup. If your boyfriend is trying to make you dump your kids the answer is - dump him.

To answer your question, yes sometimes it is okay to put your partner first. It all depends on the circumstances, the ages of the children and the whole backstory.

So even though you've added a hazy bit that your daughter was being disrespectful to you, it doesn't change the fact that your partner put his hands on her and spoke to her in such a way she's cut contact with you and her sibling is going to also unless your partner is gone.

I still think you're minimizing and drip feeding to get some kind of support for hanging onto your partner even though it costs you your kids.

You're free to choose. Will people judge you for picking partner over kids? Some will, some won't. But when partner manhandled one of your kids in front of you, come on. Once that physical boundary is crossed, it becomes easier to cross in the future. Their no contact is self protection.

Where I am, kindergartners are taught to keep their hands to themselves.

It’s a tricky one. If you were all living in the same house then you choose the kids. But in this scenario you could continue to see your partner and keep it separate from the kids. It’s like they are testing your loyalty to them.

im not sure what I would do you could say I’m going to keep seeing him but I respect that you don’t want to so I will keep the two relationships separate but you risk them going nc with you.

Pointless post. We can’t say without knowing what he did. Saying it’s nothing awful tells us nothing. How are we to know what you consider awful or acceptable?

Way to little information to properly understand and determine.

‘It’s me facing losing my kids over this’ along with being so vague on the details and context says everything. Why not ‘it’s me facing losing my partner over this’ because it’s a given that your kids are non negotiable? I expect that might have something to do with the reaction of your children. They already know where your priority lies and are calling you out on it.

if you said you’d dumped him but actually kept on seeing him OP, how would they know…?

@ByPinkOP

is it that bad for them not to be their mothers number one priority at their age?

Does your DP ever encourage you to spend money living your life to the fullest rather than squirrelling it away for the next generation to inherit?

Our kids doesn't matter how old they are , will always be a priority always

To the point of telling you how to live your live and whom to see?
Good luck with that.

@Omgblueskys

Ok…. So if your adult son/daughter got it into their head that they wanted you to dump your husband/partner because they preferred you being alone would you do it and stay single forever more?