Is it ever right to choose a partner over kids?

Just seen your update. I would consider family therapy with your girls (not DP). And see where that gets you. Be explicit with the DC that you are putting your relationship with them first by choosing therapy to get to the bottom of this, but that you won’t be manipulated into ending your relationship when you’re not ready/I love with him/settled, etc. Whatever choice you make here could have very serious consequences for your life OP.

I also think there is no way your kids have the right to say you can’t have a boyfriend. They don’t even live with you, he doesn’t live with you, they don't need to see him. But they have no right to tell you what to do with the rest of your life now they are grown up, leaving you to build their own lives. presumably they would not like you to tell them who to go out with! You need to build your own life without them too, not in a nc way, in an empty nester kind of way.

You would ruin your relationship with your kids forever because of your boyfriend?

Why don't you tell us what happened? Where were you, what was going on and what did he actually say to her?

I’m firmly in the camp that adult DC do not get to run your life nor do they get to decide who you date.

However, the fact you won’t give more than incredibly vague info paired with the fact it’s both DC leads me to believe there is far more the the story than you’re letting on.

This is such an astute comment. And explains my upbringing a lot. Although only my dd has diagnoses, I now see I am very likely from a ND family. My dd acts very much like my mother used to with me if I brought up anything she’d done to me. It didn’t occur to her I’d need comfort when my dad died when I was mid teens, because I’d learned not to lean on her emotionally and had been emotionally parentified.

I would definitely choose your partner.

Your kids will have their own lives and will not be at your beck and call. Your partner will.

What if they don't like your next partner?

You can't keep letting them rule your life. You are already letting them dictate whether he can live with you.

You don’t live together with DP @DangerMouse33 because “they don’t want you to”

they? Your DC?

Your adult, no longer living at home kids are telling you that you can’t live with your DP?

Am I understanding correctly?

Personally I would tell your kids to grow the fuck up. They don't have to see him as none of you live together. So there is no reason for you to be single unless you want that. It's not putting a partner first it's putting yourself first and we are allowed to do that.

Children EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Unless your dc has a long history of being abusive and manipulative, no, it’s never okay to choose your partner over a child, even an adult one.

I am NC with my mum and she has chosen her partner over us. The story she would tell is very different than the truth about what happened. She would say that her partner made a mistake and wasn’t a good parent, but his ex wife is crazy and his (adult) children were alienated from him and have told all sorts of tales that are sort of true, but what happened didn’t really mean what they thought it did and it was no big deal and I’m overreacting like I always have.

What actually happened is that her partner sexually abused one of his teen daughters after giving her alcohol on a number of occasions. The case went to trial and he pled guilty. He has also committed other sexual offences in the intervening years, which she told me about, but he was never arrested for those.

I gave her the choice to leave him and we would support her in any way she needed. I was prepared for her to come live with us if he threw her out. She hasn’t and we’ve never seen her again. That was 6 years ago. His children are also NC. Between them, they have no relationship with any of their 3 children or 5 grandchildren.

My guess is, you are seeing this as an isolated incident and your dc are seeing this as part of a broader pattern of troubling behaviour that just looks normal to you because you’re too far in it.

In other circumstances I think DD1 would be deemed to be controlling and abusive. You have offered to have separate relationships with your children and your partner, this is a completely reasonable position on your part, given that the catalyst sounds more like a mis-read on your DP's side rather than a deliberate hostile act. It is completely unreasonable of your DD to expect you to cut off someone she doesn't have to have any contact with, when neither of them live with you.

Sounds to me like your kids are using this to split you up.
If they’ve never been happy for you to be in a relationship they have seen this as the perfect opportunity to get rid of him. Over dramatising the situation.
I can see how it’s difficult for you as they are your children but you are entitled to happiness.
If he’s been a genuinely good partner to you then I wouldn’t finish it.
Do they want you to stay single for the rest of your life?

If they don’t live with you it’s got nothing to do with them who you spend your spare time with.

I agree with this. It's very unlikely that this is isolated. Think back very carefully about whether there is a pattern. The stand out point for me is they're both saying this, and they're both feeling very strongly about it. I highly doubt it's come out of the blue and there's a broader picture to consider here.

How old are the DC?
How long have you been with DP?

And what exactly was said?
There’s a big difference between - “come on now Sarah that’s enough haha” and “stop acting like a fucking brat”

I have an awful feeling that you're seriously underplaying this, sadly.

Given the update I think it is more past resentments as to then who her new partner is. It is a nightmare when you have choose.

Yes you can choose your partner over your adult kids if you want to. You need to put DC first when they are children, but that is no longer the case.

You are right if you leave your dp to maintain a relationship with your children, your relationship with them will not be the same.

The latter is out of order. But it's a reason not to want to see the partner again, not to insist your mum breaks up with him or you will go no contact.

Me too.

In my experience, children are far more likely to kowtow to get a parent's approval than cut them off. Where a child cuts off their parent, there's usually an excellent reason. And I can't see many adult children, whose mother's boyfriend is a decent person who makes their mother happy and treats the family well, cutting their mother off because he made a single silly remark. (Obviously there will now be a torrent of posts about saintly mothers whose evil children did just that when the saintly boyfriend squeezed toothpaste from the middle of the tube... whatever.) OP is refusing to give us any pertinent details and that's telling in itself.

Tbh I can't see any decent person sticking around if their presence was severing kids from their mother. I'd just end it myself if I could see a family falling to bits over me even if I truly hadn't done anything wrong.

So a touch on the shoulder instead of a tap. That wasn't me minimising.

How are you able to ‘know’ so much about this situation?

I think some people are jumping to conclusions here and that’s not fair to the OP.

Since I can’t ‘know’ any different I am taking OP’s post at face value and am not extrapolating her words into something sinister with no evidence.

Her adult children could be awful and I don’t see why they get to dictate a grown woman’s life.

I hate saying this but not always there is a lot of cut off parent culture. There is not always a cut dry answer and parents are often blamed for something they have no power over. There are cases were itis required for safety etc. But those are very few. Anyway Im sure I will be attacked for saying that .

They absolutely do go NC over next to nothing. We have it in our family. sibs are NC with their father over the most ridiculously tiny thing ever.

Some adult children think the world revolves around them. It's got to the point where if they were to grovel to the father, he wouldn't see them as he is totally ashamed of what they have grown into.

Its hideous. Its also embarrassing. There is mental illness as part of ours and honestly you can't fight the lies. Ive lost family friends and my whole life based on a dangerous lie that I have been criminally cleared of. But I still have to live with the consequences of the lie.

You know more than anyone if the issue was serious to explain there reaction. However if you end your relationship, does this mean they will decide all your future choices. Are we sure it’s due to the incident or more to their wishes for you. I would say it’s your choice who lives in your home